Today is day number 204!
You know, lately it seems like I have driven myself mad, with all of the "possibilities" regarding what to do with my life after I get fired... I realized today that I have a bunch of options, but totally forgot about the one thing I had been planning on this whole year.
Teaching
Scary, but something I want to try to do. So today, I am going to take the final steps in becoming a sub, and sign up for the class which is needed. The beauty of this is that I can work part time as a sub if I go to school. I can also get a month's experience and then apply for full time teaching positions at the end of the year. So yea, this subbing thing is something that I want to, have to try. Regardless of whether or not I go to school in August, or take another job this summer, or don't get hired as a full time teacher. I NEED TO TRY SUBBING! I am terrified, but man, something is just screaming at me to try it. But fear is keeping me from taking action.
So yea, it seems that I have had many ideas and tons of opportunities... So many so, that I forget what it is I'd like to try to do first! Duh! Well, the school district was closed last week for spring break... that may have had something to do with my crazy job searching this week. Now I think I should just focus on the teaching thing for now, and see what happens... ya know? Perhaps, maybe so?
Well, that is how I feel for now. We'll see how things go!
Peace out,
J
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Sharing in meetings
201 Days of continuous sobriety.!!
Oh yea!
And to mark that 199th day, I did something extrordinary! Yes that's right, I shared at a meeting!! I did it without anyone telling me "hey you should share more" or anything like that. I remember my first sponsor kinda sorta tried that with me, and I revolted at it. However, today, I recognize that I need to share if I want to take this thing called sobriety to the next level!
So I was nervous, but shared, and the fear went away! Well, not completely away, but I was so excited about it, that I called my sponsor to tell him, and then I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to share the next time. I did it again tonight! Both times on topic, and I tried my best to have a coherent line of thought... very cool. And people came up to talk to me afterword! Wow!
I love this program. ;)
Peace...
Jonathan
Oh yea!
And to mark that 199th day, I did something extrordinary! Yes that's right, I shared at a meeting!! I did it without anyone telling me "hey you should share more" or anything like that. I remember my first sponsor kinda sorta tried that with me, and I revolted at it. However, today, I recognize that I need to share if I want to take this thing called sobriety to the next level!
So I was nervous, but shared, and the fear went away! Well, not completely away, but I was so excited about it, that I called my sponsor to tell him, and then I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to share the next time. I did it again tonight! Both times on topic, and I tried my best to have a coherent line of thought... very cool. And people came up to talk to me afterword! Wow!
I love this program. ;)
Peace...
Jonathan
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Dragging ass...
Day 198 of continuous sobriety!!! ;)
I am so happy about that! Man, just hanging out at the office... and I mean barely hanging on... it is so hard to be here knowing that my boss is giving me my two weeks notice on Friday!
I feel depressed, despondant, and just feel like a failure! Yea, so that's how I feel. So what did I do about; I called my sponsor, I called another friend, I posted here, and I am reading out of one of my books.
But I still feel pretty shitty! I know that in the evening, when I can get to a meeting, I feel great. But every second of being here is just plain aweful. So yea, that's how I feel about that. It's like every day I feel wonderful when I finally get home... but when I am here... oh it sucks big time!
Ok, besides all that, more applying to jobs, and talking to people about me and my life. New idea - What about going back to school for my MBA?? I could focus in on Finance and International Business... two subjects I am interested in... My mom said she would put me through school... and I can work part time while doing it, and get it done in 2 years. Just a thought, my friend Ted is going back in the fall. I think that is where I got the idea.
I think in terms of jobs it would allow me to work towards something I enjoy, but I'd have to really go all out if I do it.
Any how.. just talked to my Dad, and wanted to make a note of it. He told me to check out his company's website and use him as a reference! Never thought of that! So I did, and even found a position "gasp!" I am qualified for! Who knows! Just another lead... time to turn it all over!
So peace folks, and thanks for listening to my ranting and raving!
Jonathan
I am so happy about that! Man, just hanging out at the office... and I mean barely hanging on... it is so hard to be here knowing that my boss is giving me my two weeks notice on Friday!
I feel depressed, despondant, and just feel like a failure! Yea, so that's how I feel. So what did I do about; I called my sponsor, I called another friend, I posted here, and I am reading out of one of my books.
But I still feel pretty shitty! I know that in the evening, when I can get to a meeting, I feel great. But every second of being here is just plain aweful. So yea, that's how I feel about that. It's like every day I feel wonderful when I finally get home... but when I am here... oh it sucks big time!
Ok, besides all that, more applying to jobs, and talking to people about me and my life. New idea - What about going back to school for my MBA?? I could focus in on Finance and International Business... two subjects I am interested in... My mom said she would put me through school... and I can work part time while doing it, and get it done in 2 years. Just a thought, my friend Ted is going back in the fall. I think that is where I got the idea.
I think in terms of jobs it would allow me to work towards something I enjoy, but I'd have to really go all out if I do it.
Any how.. just talked to my Dad, and wanted to make a note of it. He told me to check out his company's website and use him as a reference! Never thought of that! So I did, and even found a position "gasp!" I am qualified for! Who knows! Just another lead... time to turn it all over!
So peace folks, and thanks for listening to my ranting and raving!
Jonathan
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Decisions, decisions!!!
Day 193!
Made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of...
I have been trying my darnedest to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I have all these jobs I am looking at, 99% of which I won't even get an interview... I also have two job paths that I am seriously contemplating, each for completely different reasons, and each pretty easily attainable...
My mom suggested selling high end cars... she can hook me up at a dealership in the area. That idea has never occured to me, but now that I think about it, I really think it may be a good path to take, as I usually bitch and complain about sitting in an office all day. Talking to people, and staying out of my head is a must. So I imagine selling cars could be like that. Also, I imagine that having to sell another car to put food on the table, will be plenty motivation to go to work and get stuff done. On the other hand, I am terrified by the prospect of having to sell stuff to make a living... just never thought I could be a "salesman"... Maybe there is something to it... maybe... I won't know unless I try it out. Which brings me to the other career path: Teaching.
Teaching would mean less money than even the sales job... but I would be doing something I imagine I would enjoy... even though I am terrified by the prospect of standing in front of kids and instructing them in the ways of the world... terrified even more than the car-sales thing... But, the idea, and the challenge, and the nature of the work appeals to me...
So yea, two very different options I really think I am considering...
You know what? I won't figure this out unless I make a few phone calls to some dealerships, and schools, and talk to people in the field. I already have talked to some teachers and took the tests, so I know a bit about that... but the car sales thing, I need to atleast go talk to someone, and see if it might be a fit.
That would be leg-work... I think if I do the work, God will take care of me in the end...
PS -- It's funny, when I read what I just wrote... my situation doesn't seem so bad!
Made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of...
I have been trying my darnedest to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I have all these jobs I am looking at, 99% of which I won't even get an interview... I also have two job paths that I am seriously contemplating, each for completely different reasons, and each pretty easily attainable...
My mom suggested selling high end cars... she can hook me up at a dealership in the area. That idea has never occured to me, but now that I think about it, I really think it may be a good path to take, as I usually bitch and complain about sitting in an office all day. Talking to people, and staying out of my head is a must. So I imagine selling cars could be like that. Also, I imagine that having to sell another car to put food on the table, will be plenty motivation to go to work and get stuff done. On the other hand, I am terrified by the prospect of having to sell stuff to make a living... just never thought I could be a "salesman"... Maybe there is something to it... maybe... I won't know unless I try it out. Which brings me to the other career path: Teaching.
Teaching would mean less money than even the sales job... but I would be doing something I imagine I would enjoy... even though I am terrified by the prospect of standing in front of kids and instructing them in the ways of the world... terrified even more than the car-sales thing... But, the idea, and the challenge, and the nature of the work appeals to me...
So yea, two very different options I really think I am considering...
You know what? I won't figure this out unless I make a few phone calls to some dealerships, and schools, and talk to people in the field. I already have talked to some teachers and took the tests, so I know a bit about that... but the car sales thing, I need to atleast go talk to someone, and see if it might be a fit.
That would be leg-work... I think if I do the work, God will take care of me in the end...
PS -- It's funny, when I read what I just wrote... my situation doesn't seem so bad!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Aghh... work + losing job = What a drag!
Day number 190.
Just reporting in for the day. As far as my day goes, it's a bit depressing... motivation is at an ultra low... I mean, I am losing my job, but still have to try to work. It's even harder than before to go through the motions!
On a much brighter note, I go home in 30 minutes! Also, I had a girl in the program call me last night, which was interesting. She is new, with less than 30 days. It seems she is latching on to me... not in any sexual way either! She came to a meeting about 2 weeks ago, where I was making coffee, and was there early. It was just her and me. I introduced myself, and she her self. I found out she was new, and never been to AA before. My initial thoughts were: ok, get her to meet people, and women in the program... while telling her my story.
So I did my best, introducing her to people and trying to get her to connect with others. It actually drew me out of my shell: "He John, you know so-and-so yet?" She thought I was a social butterfly, when in fact, I am not, and am only trying to help her out!
I could sense her uneasiness around others, but kept on trying, and finally she actually asked a girl to be her sponsor! I was all excited... I gave her my number and told her to call any time.
Well, this is the first time a new comer has actually listened and/or connected with anything I was saying. So that is cool, I feel kinda good about it. I don't try to tell her what to do or anything, I just tell her how it is/was for me. Maybe she will make it, I hope so, it's nice to expand our little group of friends, ya know? But so sad when one leaves.
That's all I got for now folks!
So glad to be sober today!
Peace
Just reporting in for the day. As far as my day goes, it's a bit depressing... motivation is at an ultra low... I mean, I am losing my job, but still have to try to work. It's even harder than before to go through the motions!
On a much brighter note, I go home in 30 minutes! Also, I had a girl in the program call me last night, which was interesting. She is new, with less than 30 days. It seems she is latching on to me... not in any sexual way either! She came to a meeting about 2 weeks ago, where I was making coffee, and was there early. It was just her and me. I introduced myself, and she her self. I found out she was new, and never been to AA before. My initial thoughts were: ok, get her to meet people, and women in the program... while telling her my story.
So I did my best, introducing her to people and trying to get her to connect with others. It actually drew me out of my shell: "He John, you know so-and-so yet?" She thought I was a social butterfly, when in fact, I am not, and am only trying to help her out!
I could sense her uneasiness around others, but kept on trying, and finally she actually asked a girl to be her sponsor! I was all excited... I gave her my number and told her to call any time.
Well, this is the first time a new comer has actually listened and/or connected with anything I was saying. So that is cool, I feel kinda good about it. I don't try to tell her what to do or anything, I just tell her how it is/was for me. Maybe she will make it, I hope so, it's nice to expand our little group of friends, ya know? But so sad when one leaves.
That's all I got for now folks!
So glad to be sober today!
Peace
Friday, March 9, 2007
Day 187, it's Friday, and it's beautiful!
Well, today is day numero 187.
I feel pretty darn good today, and I think you would too if you lived in Florida. I mean, the weather is absolutely beautiful today! I should probably leave the office early and go for a bike ride!
With regards to the job thing... I will turn it over after I do the leg work. I did do some leg work earlier this week, so today, I am turning it all over. No worries! Oh yea, well, at the meeting tonight and this weekend, I will naturally tell everyone about my job search, you never know who may be listening, right?
Besides that, nothing else is new! I am just in such a good mood right now!
So yes, I love being sober. I just absolutely love the fact that I can call sober people, stay sober, and get some serenity in my life!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
Losing my job
Being depressed yesterday
Calling my friends and sponsor
My friends
AA
Coffee
My Kitty Cats
My family
Today
I feel pretty darn good today, and I think you would too if you lived in Florida. I mean, the weather is absolutely beautiful today! I should probably leave the office early and go for a bike ride!
With regards to the job thing... I will turn it over after I do the leg work. I did do some leg work earlier this week, so today, I am turning it all over. No worries! Oh yea, well, at the meeting tonight and this weekend, I will naturally tell everyone about my job search, you never know who may be listening, right?
Besides that, nothing else is new! I am just in such a good mood right now!
So yes, I love being sober. I just absolutely love the fact that I can call sober people, stay sober, and get some serenity in my life!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
Losing my job
Being depressed yesterday
Calling my friends and sponsor
My friends
AA
Coffee
My Kitty Cats
My family
Today
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Day 186! Depressed...
Ok, so I have a roomy moving in soon... so that is good. Um, yea, I still need a job. I am starting to feel a little depressed and anxious about it now... as I have really been putting my resume out there, as nobody calls me, or I get no response... yea, that sucks. Or, I get an idea like "Oh, I would be perfect for that!" and then it doesn't pan out... or whatever. Yea, I know, I haven't been searching for more than a week, and these things take time.
Bottom line: fear, insecurities, doubt, self loathing...
I don't like those feelings!
So, I shall pray about it, and call some other alcoholics.
I think I am starting to understand why we have those phone numbers!!!
Today I am grateful for:
My family
My friends
My job
My kitty cats
My savings!!!
My life
My sobriety
Bottom line: fear, insecurities, doubt, self loathing...
I don't like those feelings!
So, I shall pray about it, and call some other alcoholics.
I think I am starting to understand why we have those phone numbers!!!
Today I am grateful for:
My family
My friends
My job
My kitty cats
My savings!!!
My life
My sobriety
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Day 184 - Some qoutes and ramblings
Well, today I have hope! And I shall face my fears and walk through them, and let them pass by me... or as one of my favorite Authors liked to say:
"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (1965 - Frank Herbert, "Dune", on the bottom of page 225.)
I finished reading his second novel, the sequal to the first, and he used the quote again, only a different character said it. Very interesting, I am reading the third book now.
Basically, I am losing my job and I need to find a roommate. One of those could already be taken care of. I was telling a girl in the office about needing a roomy, and it turns out that she needed to find a place to stay! On top of that, no bitching or moaning about the rent/rate. Plus, I trust her, since I have worked with her for a year and a half... I kind of know what to expect. So, she came and checked it out, and told me she will move in, in three weeks!
Cool.
One down, one to go.
The job search continues. Two open positions came up at the County, that I am qualified for, and would pay right at my minimum requirement for paying the mortgage/bills/expenses... I have applied, and called my friend who works there and asked for his advice/help. He is very cool in a non-commital way. So I was glad to atleast tell him, and yes, I am trying not to having expectations, and just let God take it from here. I did the footwork, now let's see what happens.
I also called another friend in AA, who is in the IT industry, and told him I needed help... he is helping with the IT search. I also, told a whole slew of other people just to get the word out there, and to get support. I am in fear a tiny bit, but not too bad. I am financially good for a long time if need be, and I do my taxes with my Accountant today, so finding out what I owe the government will be one less thing off my plate, and a HUGE relief once I write that huge check over to "The Man".
Today I feel so darn good... except of course being at work, knowing they are letting me go. It's kinda like the person you love tells you "Hey, I want to break up with you" and then turns around and says, "But how about we be friends with benefits for oh... about 3 weeks??"
Ya know? Kinda like, I am getting the ax, but I still have to play the part and act like I still hope there is a job here, but there soon won't be? So I wear the mask... or like Paul Laurence Dunbar said... "We wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes" (1896 - Dunbar).
Well that's all I have today.
I also think I need to either get a new sponsor, or force my sponsor to meet me on a weekly basis... I don't think I want what he has anymore..(girl friend, and less AA) I don't see him weekly, and he doesn't have a "requirement" to call him every day... I think I need that, ya know?
Any who,
Peace - Gotta get back to work!
"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (1965 - Frank Herbert, "Dune", on the bottom of page 225.)
I finished reading his second novel, the sequal to the first, and he used the quote again, only a different character said it. Very interesting, I am reading the third book now.
Basically, I am losing my job and I need to find a roommate. One of those could already be taken care of. I was telling a girl in the office about needing a roomy, and it turns out that she needed to find a place to stay! On top of that, no bitching or moaning about the rent/rate. Plus, I trust her, since I have worked with her for a year and a half... I kind of know what to expect. So, she came and checked it out, and told me she will move in, in three weeks!
Cool.
One down, one to go.
The job search continues. Two open positions came up at the County, that I am qualified for, and would pay right at my minimum requirement for paying the mortgage/bills/expenses... I have applied, and called my friend who works there and asked for his advice/help. He is very cool in a non-commital way. So I was glad to atleast tell him, and yes, I am trying not to having expectations, and just let God take it from here. I did the footwork, now let's see what happens.
I also called another friend in AA, who is in the IT industry, and told him I needed help... he is helping with the IT search. I also, told a whole slew of other people just to get the word out there, and to get support. I am in fear a tiny bit, but not too bad. I am financially good for a long time if need be, and I do my taxes with my Accountant today, so finding out what I owe the government will be one less thing off my plate, and a HUGE relief once I write that huge check over to "The Man".
Today I feel so darn good... except of course being at work, knowing they are letting me go. It's kinda like the person you love tells you "Hey, I want to break up with you" and then turns around and says, "But how about we be friends with benefits for oh... about 3 weeks??"
Ya know? Kinda like, I am getting the ax, but I still have to play the part and act like I still hope there is a job here, but there soon won't be? So I wear the mask... or like Paul Laurence Dunbar said... "We wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes" (1896 - Dunbar).
Well that's all I have today.
I also think I need to either get a new sponsor, or force my sponsor to meet me on a weekly basis... I don't think I want what he has anymore..(girl friend, and less AA) I don't see him weekly, and he doesn't have a "requirement" to call him every day... I think I need that, ya know?
Any who,
Peace - Gotta get back to work!
Friday, March 2, 2007
What do I want to do???!
Officially - Day 180!
Yea!
Ok, so now I need to think really hard about what I want to do. BTW, I am going to be interviewing potential roommates... I have one guy who is my age and an airline pilot. I figure that's a good start, but you never know, I will be calling him this weekend to see if we are a good fit.
What do I want to do? Good question. My friend Matt is a social worker, and has given me some sort of test to take, that he says he gives his clients/patients. I will probably get around to doing that tonight, as I am really struggling to figure out what I actually want to do. I don't think I have ever really been too happy, because I always took jobs, just to have a job... never really thought about what it was I wanted to do Please, any advice is welcome, I feel a bit lost. (thanks to those who have responded so far)
The options are pretty wide open, and I am willing to do about anything... I know I want to try teaching, so I am signed up to be a substitute teacher, and should have that ready to go by the time I am laid off. Other than that, I have no idea. Possibly some part time work somewhere? But that begs to ask, what kind of part time job? Where would I want to work? Geeze. I don't think I have ever really thought about it and gone after something. I guess the teaching thing is what I am focusing on. Yea, I am going to try for teaching. On the side, I may do some part time work, and maybe some entrapreneurial stuff. I like being my own boss... perhaps my own business is an option...
Any who, that is all for now. Thanks for the love, support, and suggestions. I will keep it simple regardless of what I do!
Peace..
Yea!
Ok, so now I need to think really hard about what I want to do. BTW, I am going to be interviewing potential roommates... I have one guy who is my age and an airline pilot. I figure that's a good start, but you never know, I will be calling him this weekend to see if we are a good fit.
What do I want to do? Good question. My friend Matt is a social worker, and has given me some sort of test to take, that he says he gives his clients/patients. I will probably get around to doing that tonight, as I am really struggling to figure out what I actually want to do. I don't think I have ever really been too happy, because I always took jobs, just to have a job... never really thought about what it was I wanted to do Please, any advice is welcome, I feel a bit lost. (thanks to those who have responded so far)
The options are pretty wide open, and I am willing to do about anything... I know I want to try teaching, so I am signed up to be a substitute teacher, and should have that ready to go by the time I am laid off. Other than that, I have no idea. Possibly some part time work somewhere? But that begs to ask, what kind of part time job? Where would I want to work? Geeze. I don't think I have ever really thought about it and gone after something. I guess the teaching thing is what I am focusing on. Yea, I am going to try for teaching. On the side, I may do some part time work, and maybe some entrapreneurial stuff. I like being my own boss... perhaps my own business is an option...
Any who, that is all for now. Thanks for the love, support, and suggestions. I will keep it simple regardless of what I do!
Peace..
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Day 179! I am getting the boot!
Be careful what you wish for! I just got the notice from my boss, yes he does not feel I am right for the job, and will be letting me go in about 4 weeks. He was giving me a "warning" but basically said "Your not happy here, your not a right fit for the job we have you doing, and your original job pretty much does not exist"... so go get another job. Usually they don't tell people, they just fire 'em... but he likes me so I think he is giving me this time to find something else.
So... first: Get roommate to help pay the mortgage.
Second: Sign up for substitute teaching (already done)
Third: Keep on looking for jobs!
At first I was a bit devastated, I did not really expect that to happen... plus I almost busted out crying in his office... but it did, or is happening, and I feel a sense of relief... however, I also sense fear and wowness... like it hasn't sunk in yet... a little overwhelming with all the things I now, really have to do...
So, I went to a meeting last night, that was my first priority... and even though I only had 158 days, I picked up the 6 month chip cause my sponsor was at the meeting. So, I am celebrating 6 months, and the job loss.
Good stuff.
I don't really feel like drinking about it, even though I am scared and in some fear. This program seems to be working, and I realize that this is really just a blessing in disquise. We all know I have not been happy with my job. Today, I get the opportunity to find a new job in a new field, and new beginnings.
I think I will stay sober one more day at a time.
Peace...
Today I am grateful:
For my job
My family
My friends
My boss
My AA
My sobriety
My kitty cats
Tampa Florida
You guys
So... first: Get roommate to help pay the mortgage.
Second: Sign up for substitute teaching (already done)
Third: Keep on looking for jobs!
At first I was a bit devastated, I did not really expect that to happen... plus I almost busted out crying in his office... but it did, or is happening, and I feel a sense of relief... however, I also sense fear and wowness... like it hasn't sunk in yet... a little overwhelming with all the things I now, really have to do...
So, I went to a meeting last night, that was my first priority... and even though I only had 158 days, I picked up the 6 month chip cause my sponsor was at the meeting. So, I am celebrating 6 months, and the job loss.
Good stuff.
I don't really feel like drinking about it, even though I am scared and in some fear. This program seems to be working, and I realize that this is really just a blessing in disquise. We all know I have not been happy with my job. Today, I get the opportunity to find a new job in a new field, and new beginnings.
I think I will stay sober one more day at a time.
Peace...
Today I am grateful:
For my job
My family
My friends
My boss
My AA
My sobriety
My kitty cats
Tampa Florida
You guys
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