The super bowl is this weekend!!!! I am excited! I think I am having people over on Sunday!
Jonathan
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Is happy...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageble.
For me, I understood that I was powerless over alcohol. It had a grip over me like nothing else. It was an obsession of the mind. Clearly, the first part of step one was obvious to me on some small level, even if I was in denial.
It was the second part of the first step that I found diffulcult to accept, and to this day have to be wary of thinking my life is somehow manageable by me on my own. When I first got sober, I thought maybe self medicating would help. Specifically, I turned to tabacco products and had a doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressents. This was me saying to the world "My life is manageble, see look at me manage! I know what is best for me!". But low and behold... I know not. I am an alcoholic. I look back on it, and realize that me trying to handle things, me looking to doctors to cure my anxiety, looking to tabaco to ease my nerves, looking to nyquil to help me sleep... all these things were huge glaring signs of my life being unmanageble.
People sometimes can't sleep. People get anxious. People have nerves. We have feelings. No drug can fix that. No alcoholic bevarage will change it. I needed to accept this. I had to be completely ready to live with myself as I am and completely accepting of who I was to get by this step. I needed a sponsor to point me in the right direction. Stop looking for the solution and accept that a spiritual life is the answer.
So I got one. I got a sponsor I hate to take direction from. I can't stand calling him. I still can't stand calling him. You know why? He calls me out on my shit... ALL the time. 3 years later and he still finds all the little things I miss. I miss shit because I am an alcoholic. I stick with my sponsor because he takes me through the steps and advises me on spiritual matters. He is sober, and I respect him for who he is. Very geniune.
Anyhow, I am off on a tangent I guess... but, point is that I am powerless and my life is generally unmanageble if I am trying to run the show. I know this. I know it still can be unmanageble. I know I need help. Nothing has changed. I still go to the same number of meetings weekly. I still have the same sponsor. I call him. I call others. Stick with the winners. Try to help someone.
Peace
Jonathan
For me, I understood that I was powerless over alcohol. It had a grip over me like nothing else. It was an obsession of the mind. Clearly, the first part of step one was obvious to me on some small level, even if I was in denial.
It was the second part of the first step that I found diffulcult to accept, and to this day have to be wary of thinking my life is somehow manageable by me on my own. When I first got sober, I thought maybe self medicating would help. Specifically, I turned to tabacco products and had a doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressents. This was me saying to the world "My life is manageble, see look at me manage! I know what is best for me!". But low and behold... I know not. I am an alcoholic. I look back on it, and realize that me trying to handle things, me looking to doctors to cure my anxiety, looking to tabaco to ease my nerves, looking to nyquil to help me sleep... all these things were huge glaring signs of my life being unmanageble.
People sometimes can't sleep. People get anxious. People have nerves. We have feelings. No drug can fix that. No alcoholic bevarage will change it. I needed to accept this. I had to be completely ready to live with myself as I am and completely accepting of who I was to get by this step. I needed a sponsor to point me in the right direction. Stop looking for the solution and accept that a spiritual life is the answer.
So I got one. I got a sponsor I hate to take direction from. I can't stand calling him. I still can't stand calling him. You know why? He calls me out on my shit... ALL the time. 3 years later and he still finds all the little things I miss. I miss shit because I am an alcoholic. I stick with my sponsor because he takes me through the steps and advises me on spiritual matters. He is sober, and I respect him for who he is. Very geniune.
Anyhow, I am off on a tangent I guess... but, point is that I am powerless and my life is generally unmanageble if I am trying to run the show. I know this. I know it still can be unmanageble. I know I need help. Nothing has changed. I still go to the same number of meetings weekly. I still have the same sponsor. I call him. I call others. Stick with the winners. Try to help someone.
Peace
Jonathan
Tacos...
Random.
So I was just thinking about what in the world to write about. Hmm.. How about what is going on with me. I like school, alot. Enough in fact, to think perhaps I should go for a PhD instead of MD, or both. Any how, it is on my mind. Not stressing over it, just an idea which may or may not unfold.
Yea... at a lost for things to write. I am sorry. No drama in my life. Shit.. even crazy thinking is not present. Well. I am off to class. There are some things bugging me when it comes to other people's behavior. I need alanon for that. Anywhoo... life is good. There are no drugs giving me false serenity today!
Jonathan
So I was just thinking about what in the world to write about. Hmm.. How about what is going on with me. I like school, alot. Enough in fact, to think perhaps I should go for a PhD instead of MD, or both. Any how, it is on my mind. Not stressing over it, just an idea which may or may not unfold.
Yea... at a lost for things to write. I am sorry. No drama in my life. Shit.. even crazy thinking is not present. Well. I am off to class. There are some things bugging me when it comes to other people's behavior. I need alanon for that. Anywhoo... life is good. There are no drugs giving me false serenity today!
Jonathan
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Good evening!
Two Years and almost 5 months sober! Hurray!
Today I am grateful, thankful, and my mind is at ease. Such is my daily routine... free of worry and remorse. Free from stinky thinking and obsessions of the mind and body. I don't need any drugs today to calm my nerves or get me through the day. I am ok just the way I am. Not even tobacco has a hold on me anymore. Life is good. We live, we die. Life goes on. Try to stop and smell the flowers sometime... I just ran 3 miles... randomly in the middle of the night. It was awesome. I am grateful I can get my ass off the couch daily to exercise.
Jonathan
Random post tonight...
Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.
Dear Madam,--
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln
Today I am grateful, thankful, and my mind is at ease. Such is my daily routine... free of worry and remorse. Free from stinky thinking and obsessions of the mind and body. I don't need any drugs today to calm my nerves or get me through the day. I am ok just the way I am. Not even tobacco has a hold on me anymore. Life is good. We live, we die. Life goes on. Try to stop and smell the flowers sometime... I just ran 3 miles... randomly in the middle of the night. It was awesome. I am grateful I can get my ass off the couch daily to exercise.
Jonathan
Random post tonight...
Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.
Dear Madam,--
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Fudge it...
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Leatherhead, Surrey England
I am in England at the moment! Not sure I have much time to type much but I shall try! Lets see here.,.
My mom left yesterday. The whole time she was here, every night, she drank at least 4 if not more glasses of wine. I am sure she is one of us, but naturally it is for her to decide and not me. I had fun regardless. It was annoying to see her personality go from nerotic in the day time to happy go lucky in the evening. At one point she was convinced that I was going to make millions doing the rubiks cube with my feet.
Anywhoo... like a good alchi, she left early on Wednesday to "take care of stuff" back home. Which basically means she was uncomfortable being away from home. I know that feeling. Today however, I can enjoy being in the moment and being in new settings like you wouldn't believe. I am happy regardless it seems... from Honduras, to Belize, to Tampa, and then to London. It all is the same... All new places but the same person experiencing it all.
I think I appreciate home the more time I spend away from it. I love it here. The family I am staying with is beyond sincere and in to the realm of saints. I feel nothing but graciousness for their hospitality. They have treated me like I am a cousin coming home for a visit. Very cool. Every night I have enjoyed. Furthermore, the whole family is really enjoying my company. I thought it would just be Bill and I having the fun, but no... his son and wife both really seem to be enjoying my stay. Its gotten to the point now where his son wants to stay up late, play on the ps3, get on facebook, or go out with us out on the town... past his bed time, to hangout with the silly american.
Anywhooo, I saw my friend Kristine,, from Indiana... she is great. Actually knew more about London than Bill did. She played the part of tour guide. Today I am off to see Mimi in London... she is cool, and I look forward to spending another day in the City... experiencing it on my own and with a friend. It seems life is all about our social relationships and being apart of rather than apart from. I see that more and more as I go from place to place and meet new people, at home and abroad.
School starts in a few days. I look forward to it. I was thinking of delaying taking the mcat for two months so I don't self destruct this semester... The more I think about it, the better the idea sounds.... The path to Medical School is there, just need to take it at a good pace so I don't over do it. Take it easy so I can experience life instead of obsess over success. Anyway... I think that is a good idea... relax a bit. Well... relax is a relative word... school is ALOT of work... 80 hours a week atleast. Adding the MCAT on top of that is nearly impossible...
It is a beautiful cloudy, windy, slightly wet day here in England! I believe it is almost time to go to the train station, so I am off!
Life aint too bad today. I still have no complaints. I have met many good people here, and plan to return soon!
Today I am grateful and thankful
Jonathan
My mom left yesterday. The whole time she was here, every night, she drank at least 4 if not more glasses of wine. I am sure she is one of us, but naturally it is for her to decide and not me. I had fun regardless. It was annoying to see her personality go from nerotic in the day time to happy go lucky in the evening. At one point she was convinced that I was going to make millions doing the rubiks cube with my feet.
Anywhoo... like a good alchi, she left early on Wednesday to "take care of stuff" back home. Which basically means she was uncomfortable being away from home. I know that feeling. Today however, I can enjoy being in the moment and being in new settings like you wouldn't believe. I am happy regardless it seems... from Honduras, to Belize, to Tampa, and then to London. It all is the same... All new places but the same person experiencing it all.
I think I appreciate home the more time I spend away from it. I love it here. The family I am staying with is beyond sincere and in to the realm of saints. I feel nothing but graciousness for their hospitality. They have treated me like I am a cousin coming home for a visit. Very cool. Every night I have enjoyed. Furthermore, the whole family is really enjoying my company. I thought it would just be Bill and I having the fun, but no... his son and wife both really seem to be enjoying my stay. Its gotten to the point now where his son wants to stay up late, play on the ps3, get on facebook, or go out with us out on the town... past his bed time, to hangout with the silly american.
Anywhooo, I saw my friend Kristine,, from Indiana... she is great. Actually knew more about London than Bill did. She played the part of tour guide. Today I am off to see Mimi in London... she is cool, and I look forward to spending another day in the City... experiencing it on my own and with a friend. It seems life is all about our social relationships and being apart of rather than apart from. I see that more and more as I go from place to place and meet new people, at home and abroad.
School starts in a few days. I look forward to it. I was thinking of delaying taking the mcat for two months so I don't self destruct this semester... The more I think about it, the better the idea sounds.... The path to Medical School is there, just need to take it at a good pace so I don't over do it. Take it easy so I can experience life instead of obsess over success. Anyway... I think that is a good idea... relax a bit. Well... relax is a relative word... school is ALOT of work... 80 hours a week atleast. Adding the MCAT on top of that is nearly impossible...
It is a beautiful cloudy, windy, slightly wet day here in England! I believe it is almost time to go to the train station, so I am off!
Life aint too bad today. I still have no complaints. I have met many good people here, and plan to return soon!
Today I am grateful and thankful
Jonathan
Thursday, January 8, 2009
What What!
I need to pack!
I have 2 and a half hours until my friend Barry is picking my ass up and taking me to the airport! At which point, I will board a boeing 777 plane headed for London, Gatwick International Airport! Uber!
I have never been to England and it has always been on my list of "I gotta go there" places! My mom is going, so she will help take the entertaining pressure off of me. She tends to be a spotlight hog... so no worries there. We are staying in Surrey, South of London, in the country-side! Appearently on Saturday, I am going hunting with Bill. He asked if I had mole-skin trousers... not sure if he was serious or what... Also twead hats... hmm, no I don't have any. But I will bring my american ass over and see if we can't experience the English culture.
I can't wait... I am nervous, but I think the good times will out weigh any crazy thinking on my part. I have two friends who live in Europe, both of which will be in London this weekend. Mimi, and Kristine... I am gonna bug Mimi to come hang out for sure. She will be there all week, so maybe she's up for showing me around... we shallll see!
Yesterday I watched 3 movies! I know, crazy... but it was a lot of fun, and am happy to be experiencing life. School starts in about two weeks... I am kinda stoked for that too. Busy busy busy! I need to pack... seriously, 2 hours and twenty minutes now... hmmm.
Peace out
Jonathan
I have 2 and a half hours until my friend Barry is picking my ass up and taking me to the airport! At which point, I will board a boeing 777 plane headed for London, Gatwick International Airport! Uber!
I have never been to England and it has always been on my list of "I gotta go there" places! My mom is going, so she will help take the entertaining pressure off of me. She tends to be a spotlight hog... so no worries there. We are staying in Surrey, South of London, in the country-side! Appearently on Saturday, I am going hunting with Bill. He asked if I had mole-skin trousers... not sure if he was serious or what... Also twead hats... hmm, no I don't have any. But I will bring my american ass over and see if we can't experience the English culture.
I can't wait... I am nervous, but I think the good times will out weigh any crazy thinking on my part. I have two friends who live in Europe, both of which will be in London this weekend. Mimi, and Kristine... I am gonna bug Mimi to come hang out for sure. She will be there all week, so maybe she's up for showing me around... we shallll see!
Yesterday I watched 3 movies! I know, crazy... but it was a lot of fun, and am happy to be experiencing life. School starts in about two weeks... I am kinda stoked for that too. Busy busy busy! I need to pack... seriously, 2 hours and twenty minutes now... hmmm.
Peace out
Jonathan
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Comments
I appreciate your comments Dave, you are a true blogger friend! I have a few people in the Tampa Bay area who read my blog as well, but most of them don't ever leave any comments, and I have no idea who they are except for maybe a general location from where they came from. I love looking at the map to see where people are from who check out my site! Sometimes I wonder who these Tampa folks are and if they know me.
Anywhoo, my mom wants to go with me to London, I am unsure about it though... I actually think she would help make the trip better since she drinks and the folks I am visiting drink as well. That takes the spotlight off of my not drinking! If I recall correctly, on the cruise to Turkey she and these folks got along quite well. Anyway, I am looking for a ticket for her online at the moment and waiting to hear back from the folks in London to make sure they are ok with an additional guest.
I am leaving tomorrow... yippee! I have dreamt of going to London before, and never actually done it or anything remotely like it. Staying in the English country-side... in the dead of winter no less! I appearently am going hunting on Saturday?! Haha, yea, this is gonna rock. The guy I am visiting is really something else...
Not much else to report at the moment. I am at Panerra and need to get going back on home to do some laundry.
Jonathan
Anywhoo, my mom wants to go with me to London, I am unsure about it though... I actually think she would help make the trip better since she drinks and the folks I am visiting drink as well. That takes the spotlight off of my not drinking! If I recall correctly, on the cruise to Turkey she and these folks got along quite well. Anyway, I am looking for a ticket for her online at the moment and waiting to hear back from the folks in London to make sure they are ok with an additional guest.
I am leaving tomorrow... yippee! I have dreamt of going to London before, and never actually done it or anything remotely like it. Staying in the English country-side... in the dead of winter no less! I appearently am going hunting on Saturday?! Haha, yea, this is gonna rock. The guy I am visiting is really something else...
Not much else to report at the moment. I am at Panerra and need to get going back on home to do some laundry.
Jonathan
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
2 days until London!
So last night instead of seeing a movie I found myself loitering around Borders bookstore. I saw a fellow AA and chatting for a bit. Then I started talking/flirting with the baristas as is usually the case since I tend to go up there allll the time to study.
Around this time, a girl came up to the counter dressed in Hooters sweat pants and tatoos all over, and asked if a lot of people study up here. I said yes... "all the cool people", meaning me of course! She laughed and said she was studying too because she is a Doctor! Haha, I was like really? The Hooters pants and barbie doll looks had me fooled. I guess looks can be decieving. And shame on me for judging. We ended up talking quite a bit and she insisted we study together in the future. I look forward to having a new study buddy. Plus... what an awesome resource. I think she has lots of Medical School hookups, and is really trying to genuinly help me out. Very positive person... wow. Crazy how people are put in my path huh?
So today, I really want to go see a movie. I think regardless of what happens to day. I will be going to the movies at some point! There is one I really want to see, and since it may not be in the theatre for long I have to go see it this week!
I also ran into another AA person who disappeared from the meetings, she was at the Bayshore group last night. I was glad she is back. I am not sure if she was "out" or what, but it's nice to see familiar people coming back in.
I officially can solve the 7x7x7 rubiks cube and 6x6x6, 5x5x5, 4x4x4, and 3x3x3! Yea me. I solved the 7x7x7 last night after a good hour. Random...
Anywhooo, today I am thankful and grateful
Jonathan
Around this time, a girl came up to the counter dressed in Hooters sweat pants and tatoos all over, and asked if a lot of people study up here. I said yes... "all the cool people", meaning me of course! She laughed and said she was studying too because she is a Doctor! Haha, I was like really? The Hooters pants and barbie doll looks had me fooled. I guess looks can be decieving. And shame on me for judging. We ended up talking quite a bit and she insisted we study together in the future. I look forward to having a new study buddy. Plus... what an awesome resource. I think she has lots of Medical School hookups, and is really trying to genuinly help me out. Very positive person... wow. Crazy how people are put in my path huh?
So today, I really want to go see a movie. I think regardless of what happens to day. I will be going to the movies at some point! There is one I really want to see, and since it may not be in the theatre for long I have to go see it this week!
I also ran into another AA person who disappeared from the meetings, she was at the Bayshore group last night. I was glad she is back. I am not sure if she was "out" or what, but it's nice to see familiar people coming back in.
I officially can solve the 7x7x7 rubiks cube and 6x6x6, 5x5x5, 4x4x4, and 3x3x3! Yea me. I solved the 7x7x7 last night after a good hour. Random...
Anywhooo, today I am thankful and grateful
Jonathan
Monday, January 5, 2009
Back from the cruise and read for London
I just got back from the cruise yesterday, and am starting to get back into the usual routine. It is interesting, I think, to go away for a week and come back, leave again... come back again. It kinda puts everything into perspective.
I have gone on three trips so far this winter break, and each is like a little adventure. I come home and appreciate things a little more.
On the cruise, we went down to Grand Caymen, Cozumel, Belize, and Honduras. It was freaking hot down there... I got plenty of sun to get me through the trip to London though. My experience on the cruise ship was a good one. Those ships can get boring after the 4th day if you start missing home. I kinda stayed out of my mind, so I did not suffer to bad from home-sickness. I stayed in the moment and experienced new things.
I went dancing with the family almost every night. I did so well in-fact that I managed to make a few new "facebook" friends who are excited to see some pictures and video of themselves. On new years eve we danced the night away on the Lito deck under the stars until 2 in the morning. The ball dropped and everyone was wasted except for a select few. Even the crew was allowed on deck (I think) and were partying it up with the guests. The shows were great in the evening. Every night I was sure to watch the productions with a new appreciation for this thing called life. The last big cruise ship we went on, I was drunk and pretty much stayed drunk the whole cruise. This time was different... it was real and will be remembered.
We had the whole family on board, so there were a ton of typical family memories and moments. I laid out almost every day and went through an entire bottle of sun tan lotion. In Honduras I gave a local tour guide a twenty dollar tip, the abject poverty in that Country is just crazy... worse I think than Mexico. In Belize we went snorkling... it was fun. I swam with the fishes and then on the boat ride back talked with a man who recently lost his wife to cancer. He was traveling with his daughter and they were basically starting out the new year remembering their loved one.
I met two girls from Baltimore, who were accountants. I met a family from Chicago with a son who was dubbed "Barby Girl" from his performance on stage the first night! I also attended an AA meeting and met a british woman who lived in the Yukon territory. Her husband and her said that they live an hour from Yellowknife and that AA meetings up there are few and far between. Regardless, they are still sober, and once again it is shown that you can get sober anywhere!
Well, today I am studying and working out. Yesterday I got off the boat and had dinner over at my house. Not much time to relax before the next trip, but I shall try. I think tonight I will go to the Monday night meeting over on Bayshore... then maybe a movie up at the Veterans... There are a few I need to watch!
Thats it for now, today I am grateful
Jonathan
I have gone on three trips so far this winter break, and each is like a little adventure. I come home and appreciate things a little more.
On the cruise, we went down to Grand Caymen, Cozumel, Belize, and Honduras. It was freaking hot down there... I got plenty of sun to get me through the trip to London though. My experience on the cruise ship was a good one. Those ships can get boring after the 4th day if you start missing home. I kinda stayed out of my mind, so I did not suffer to bad from home-sickness. I stayed in the moment and experienced new things.
I went dancing with the family almost every night. I did so well in-fact that I managed to make a few new "facebook" friends who are excited to see some pictures and video of themselves. On new years eve we danced the night away on the Lito deck under the stars until 2 in the morning. The ball dropped and everyone was wasted except for a select few. Even the crew was allowed on deck (I think) and were partying it up with the guests. The shows were great in the evening. Every night I was sure to watch the productions with a new appreciation for this thing called life. The last big cruise ship we went on, I was drunk and pretty much stayed drunk the whole cruise. This time was different... it was real and will be remembered.
We had the whole family on board, so there were a ton of typical family memories and moments. I laid out almost every day and went through an entire bottle of sun tan lotion. In Honduras I gave a local tour guide a twenty dollar tip, the abject poverty in that Country is just crazy... worse I think than Mexico. In Belize we went snorkling... it was fun. I swam with the fishes and then on the boat ride back talked with a man who recently lost his wife to cancer. He was traveling with his daughter and they were basically starting out the new year remembering their loved one.
I met two girls from Baltimore, who were accountants. I met a family from Chicago with a son who was dubbed "Barby Girl" from his performance on stage the first night! I also attended an AA meeting and met a british woman who lived in the Yukon territory. Her husband and her said that they live an hour from Yellowknife and that AA meetings up there are few and far between. Regardless, they are still sober, and once again it is shown that you can get sober anywhere!
Well, today I am studying and working out. Yesterday I got off the boat and had dinner over at my house. Not much time to relax before the next trip, but I shall try. I think tonight I will go to the Monday night meeting over on Bayshore... then maybe a movie up at the Veterans... There are a few I need to watch!
Thats it for now, today I am grateful
Jonathan
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