Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageble.

For me, I understood that I was powerless over alcohol. It had a grip over me like nothing else. It was an obsession of the mind. Clearly, the first part of step one was obvious to me on some small level, even if I was in denial.

It was the second part of the first step that I found diffulcult to accept, and to this day have to be wary of thinking my life is somehow manageable by me on my own. When I first got sober, I thought maybe self medicating would help. Specifically, I turned to tabacco products and had a doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressents. This was me saying to the world "My life is manageble, see look at me manage! I know what is best for me!". But low and behold... I know not. I am an alcoholic. I look back on it, and realize that me trying to handle things, me looking to doctors to cure my anxiety, looking to tabaco to ease my nerves, looking to nyquil to help me sleep... all these things were huge glaring signs of my life being unmanageble.

People sometimes can't sleep. People get anxious. People have nerves. We have feelings. No drug can fix that. No alcoholic bevarage will change it. I needed to accept this. I had to be completely ready to live with myself as I am and completely accepting of who I was to get by this step. I needed a sponsor to point me in the right direction. Stop looking for the solution and accept that a spiritual life is the answer.

So I got one. I got a sponsor I hate to take direction from. I can't stand calling him. I still can't stand calling him. You know why? He calls me out on my shit... ALL the time. 3 years later and he still finds all the little things I miss. I miss shit because I am an alcoholic. I stick with my sponsor because he takes me through the steps and advises me on spiritual matters. He is sober, and I respect him for who he is. Very geniune.

Anyhow, I am off on a tangent I guess... but, point is that I am powerless and my life is generally unmanageble if I am trying to run the show. I know this. I know it still can be unmanageble. I know I need help. Nothing has changed. I still go to the same number of meetings weekly. I still have the same sponsor. I call him. I call others. Stick with the winners. Try to help someone.

Peace

Jonathan