Wtf brain

 Funny how the brain works. I mean, a week ago I was worried about one thing.And now I can't get the other thing out of my head.  One week i'm obsessing about one person who I think is obviously thinking about me when clearly they are not nor do they care.  And then the next week I have all brand new person.That's ruined my day.  And yet is most likely not thinking about me again.

It's insanity really.  In these cases, I need to think of absurdism... like seriously none of this matters.  I will die one day and this lady wont be on my mind... and how fucking sad if she were!

On missing home

I do miss home I think... this cruise is about 6 days too long for us.  

The kids are ready... 

Im ready...

Lets go home.

I think we did good though... kids had a good experience overall overcoming noro virus, learning to be in room by themselves, being more independent, just travel is good for them too.

So not all is lost... 

 What is it with the brain, I don't know... feeling weird.  Kids are good,vacation going slightly better, still cooped up, kinda angry about this damn cruise, we won't do this again.  2 days at port for 4 at sea and 2 travel days, like WTAF bruh were you even thinking?

Yea ok, end rant.

Hopefully I can get some motivation back to train when I get home.

cant shake that feeling

Still on a cruise... cant shake the feeling.  Shoe is gonna drop. 

Stupid.

Kids are way more active today.  Im thinking the noro virus was really the problem last few days.  It really ruined things for us half the cruise!  

Also couldn't port today due to wind... but maybe that was a blessing in disguise as kids are on the pool deck finally having fun.

Maybe I think it is work politics that has me down which is interesting.

Feel out of control not being home I think.

How to dispense with that?

Need to practice relaxing 😌 

One year later

 I am happy to report life is good.

Today we are on a cruise and I cant get that feeling of worry out of my head.  I really cant pinpoint the reason... is it because 3 of us have noro virus and are cooped on a ship in the middle of the gulf of Mexico?

Perhaps.

Is it because im just worried im doing it all wrong?  

Probably.

Am I worried about work stuff even though that is all out of my control and really have nothing to worry about?

Yeup.

Am I just a worry wort?

Yeup.

I have three beautiful children... a great wife.. a great job... I have it all. Really... I even have an interesting hobby people love to talk to me about.  So what the heck?  Yea just not great on ships when everyone is sick and the kids are tough to please...

Feels good to write this down.  I really wish I brought my journal but this will do just fine.

I wish I could learn how to let go of things easier... none of the worries really matter. I pretty much won at life and here im what... its not unhappiness... its more of a dread feeling.  Like waiting for the damn shoe to drop.  The one that hangs above my head constantly which im not 100 percent sure wasn't because my mom and dad had the emotional intelligence of tweens.

Well those be my thoughts for the day.

Peace

Baby almost here!

 So a month has gone by, feeling better, about a week or two ago, I restarted my lexapro.  The truth of the matter, I am an anxious person and worry a lot, modern life and me just don't get along, so for the near future I will be on my SSRI.  I have already started feeling better.  Maybe it is placebo, but basically my brain worries less when on the meds, and worry was/is killing me.  I want to be happy for my kids and family's and my sake.

Construction on the back deck starts this week, so that is exciting, FINALLY!  Relief from the damn rain and the leak.

Also, need to finish taxes.

Mom is coming today, omg not looking forward to that, she comes and makes it all about herself.  Selfish.  

My sister is milking my mom to the tune of 5k per month, I try not to think about that, no comfort to be had there.

Wife is giving birth next week - wow things are going to change around our house!  I think she will enjoy the 6 weeks off though... and a baby is cute to snuggle.

Work is interesting, interesting I've done this now for almost 7 years... is this what my life is?  Yes it is, I talk to people each day, read books, play video games, go home work out, hang with kids, go to sleep rinse repeat.  Life is interesting, monotonous, but my life is better than my parents and grandparents could ever be.

I dream of retirement. But now feeling better about it and no longer depressed, progress not perfection.

 Had a pretty good weekend considering.

I keep wondering about happiness and everything going on in my life, what makes me feel negative or have bad feelings.  It is weird ya know, I think a lot of parental guilt... just thinking of the kids and beating myself up thinking I am not doing this parenting thing perfectly... when rationally that is insane, I really do tons for the kids and with the kids, my wife even tells me so, so I know compared to other parents I am pretty dang involved.... but its weird.  If I see a picture of them, I miss them, I miss their younger selves... those memories...

Reading an interesting book, something about how to have courage to let people dislike you or something, very eastern philosphy sort of Adlerian. 

Any who, it's a slog.  I prefer the Art of Happiness to be honest, easier to digest.  But I will keep trying.

I'm in a weird spot, feel weird.  Not sure if its because I quit my lexapro... I think it is, but fuck that I'm not going back.  Let's see if this weirdness improves.  

Been sober for 18 years, so that is great.

Kids are doing amazeballs.

Wife is doing great.

3rd baby is coming in a month.

Work is pretty good.

Worse case scenarios are all manageable... Donald Trump is president (that sucks) like seriously wtf is this shit show of the Country thinking to elect that man again?  Who knows... I worry about the world, he could really ruin things for everyone on the planet!!

Ah, anyhow, back to reading the Art of Happiness!