Wednesday, January 31, 2007

5 months sober! 150 Days

Yea me!

I still hate my job. Today is worse than ever... not sure what's going on in my head, it feels like total lack of enthusiasm, no desire, no passion, fuck you kind of attitude...

Well, that is how I feel. You know what it is? I have been trying to get an other job, and am not making any head way, so that really makes me feel crappy. How do you turn that over to my HP? Well, every time I post, I feel better immediately after, because I realize what I need to do... ask my HP to help.

I am starting to feel weird shit, like despair and hopelessness, while at the office. What the hell is up with that? Depression perhaps? I don't think so, as my evenings are usually positive. I think it just boils down to the job.

Well, that's all she wrote.

I do not have the desire to drink today. Thank God for that! For that seems to be the most important thing.

Peace...

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

DAy 149!

Wow, almost 5 months sober! Coolio.

Went to a great meeting yesterday, and heard exactly what I needed to hear. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems...

Well, today, I don't really feel much like working, and quite honestly, I haven't done shit for work since I got here this morning.

My boss keeps asking me to do things for him, like setup a meeting here, or look at this property there, or some bullshit that get's me off of all the other things I am "supposed" to be doing. So I basically shut down. I don't like being told to do things, and when I resent the company and entire industry to begin with, it's like just asking for disaster. I have hated this industry for the last 2 years...

Ah well. I shall try to ask God to help me be of use to him, and to give me some guidance if it be his will. Lord knows my will ain't working... I will pray, and try to get some work done.

Today I am grateful to be sober. If anything, being sober today is by far my greatest accomplishment, and I will hold on to that truth.

Peace

Monday, January 29, 2007

Day 148

Well today is a good day. Friday I was losing it, and today I thought I was again too... I called my sponsor last night and made a commitment to call him every day, as I have been neglecting that aspect of my sobriety. I will also call him whenever I get into these shitty moments!

Any how, today, I still hate my job!! And funny thing, a prospect job popped up, and I spent 3 hours thinking about wether or not to send them my resume... it's like when it comes down to it, I am scared to make any changes...

Oh well, I have to be off, as 5:00 nears, and I have coffee commitment tonight!

Enjoy the light of the day!!!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Half way through the day here...

My head is about to explode, I fear my ego is getting in the way here today.... I feel like I want to lash out at everyone and everything. It is getting hard to contain myself... So I type. My boss told me one thing, his boss expects something, I read too much into it all, then R. wants something to go to someone (why don't you just f#$%ing send it yourself?), and "What the f$#@ are those easement papers doing on my desk?" (not my job either)

So yea, that's what kind of day I am having today. It is hard to put my ego aside when things start not making sense and bosses ask for stupid shit and try to hard to control crap... Here's an idea... let me do my fucking job!

On top of all of that, I did not get to enjoy my lunch. Selfish? Probably... not letting shit go... most likely. I am pissed, not much else to report. Oh yea, regardless, I don't have to drink over it, and I don't feel like drinking either. So thank God for that. Now, let go of the fucking ego Jonathan...

Day 145

Day 145!

And still counting, yes indeed it is true; I am still sober. After hearing Sandy B. share on Tuesday night about our egos and how our ego keeps us from our "HP", I have been trying on a daily basis to ask my HP to remove my ego and allow me to be of service to others. Like constantly while I am at work, I am kinda sorta talking to myself, it's kind of comical.

And it has worked to an extent. I have had a few busy days and have gotten some good work done. I still don't like my job, and I still want to do something different. Beside just changing jobs, I have ideas for my own business... nothing new there, and nothing worth dwelling on here. Just want to write it down.;

I saw my cousin Brian last night, drove out to pick him up for dinner, and took him out to eat some sushi. We shot the shit for a bit (rhymes!) and then I took him back to the hotel. Brian has a couple ideas of what he wants to do. He is passionate about "green" technologies and environmental tech... very smart guy, and I hope he really follows his passions. He seems to be the one person in my family who thinks of what he wants to do, and then goes and does it. I think of things and never do it, well, have not without alcohol that is.

Pretty much it's just me an my insecurities! No surprise there. Regardless, I have ideas and plans to make a change soon, within the next 4 months I hope... maybe I am being too wishful, but we shall see.

Today I am grateful for

My job
My kitty cats
My house
My mom...
My brother
My family
My sister
My dad
My friends
My life
Sandy B. for just being there

Monday, January 22, 2007

Day 141... and still sober

Getting sober is easy. It's staying sober that is hard... just so you know.

Today has been another one of those "Fuck it" kinda days. We were in a meeting and I made the suggestion, or point rather, that we should get an attorney involved in every deal we do... everyone in the meeting agreed except for the VP. Then he had the nerve to say "Oh they're young yet...", basically implying that he knows all and myself and this other gal know nothing.

That kinda pissed me off, especially because everyone, even the project engineers know that it is common knowledge in this industry to get a freaking attorney involved from the get go. My boss prefers to not do that, because he thinks he knows everything, and in the long run, we all get screwed.

End rant.

Really, though, it's not a big deal, I have gotten a good bit done today; put a few jobs out to bid, made a few calls, made some emails and wheeled and dealed so to speak. I still would like to switch it up as far as the job goes; quit and get back into computer programming for which my degree is in... I am searching for a job people!

As for life in general... this last weekend I felt the urge and obsession to drink return to me, as if it had not gone any where. Very odd feeling. I found myself dreaming of getting toasted and getting sloshed... you know, that happy go-lucky feeling we chased after time and time again? I thought about that warm fuzzy feeling you get in your stomach and romantized it, even massaged it a bit. Man, scary shit.

Then I thought about how I would feel, the consequences, the hang-over, and the potential to get into trouble... oh yes, I liked to party when I drank. "I think I will just stay sober one more day!" I told myself ;) But I digress, it was not that easy. I did not feel like picking up the phone, nor really doing anything. I forced myself to help out at a meeting. I dragged my ass to my car and forced myself to turn it on, even though I did not want to see you people. I cringed when the phone range, yet answered it, only because I knew that was what I had to do... I went out to dinner Friday and Saturday night with sober friends, watch the game on Sunday with more sober friends, and by Sunday evening I was back on track and feeling golden. How cool is that? Just hanging out and checking in helped keep me sober, one day at a time... How about that? ;)

I really don't want to drink guys, and I today I am glad I have the tools to deal with those feelings, and sober friends to call, and sober friends to shoot the shit with and watch football with.... GO COLTS!!! I really am grateful for all of this stuff.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Ramblings... day 137 :)

Day 137

My lord, where does the time go? One of these days I need to stop counting the days.... although I am scared to do so. Is that an OCD thing? Oh well, not a big deal.

Today is a good day at work. I still don't like my job and want to do something different. Big surprise there. I am here, and doing the best that I can with what God gave me. Oh yea! I woke up at freaking 6:00 am this morning and went to Panera for some coffee and the paper. That was nice, but not as uber cool as I had imagined in my dreams... you know, waking up early and going for coffee... it has always been something I dreamed about.... since in the past, getting up early was such a positive experience.

On my way in, I thought about how I felt, and heard things in my head like "the early bird gets the worm" and "Wow, I am not going to be 'waking up' at the office this morning". Well, it has had some effect... although I don't know what. I have accomplished things today, more than usual, but I don't "feel" all that different. Anywhoooo, point is that waking up early is good, it means going to bed earlier... hopefully. Atleast, that is my dream. Although, I have my doubts, as I have gone to bed late ever since like 16 years ago... even minus the alcohol.

Well, now that I am rambling about stuff, it is clear that today is indeed a good day. Did I mention I am looking for a job? That would be nice, a new job that I enjoy, and one that is meaningful. I am willing to take a cut in salary... I am certified to teach math grades 6-12... although I am scared of trying that, as I don't know how well I'd do on that platform in front of a class. Probably fairly well, but still terrified of the prospect. Hence, why I am still here looking for other jobs first. Wow, now I am really rambling. I didn't mean to make this a journal entry, although isn't that what this is all about?? Speaking of, I bought a journal, and have been writing in it at night. I find it fairly relaxing , although I should learn to turn off The Daily Show, before I write in it.

Today I am content, and grateful....

Peace...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Day 135

Today is day number 135. Yesterday evening I made the mistake of skipping my usual Monday meeting. It was one of those "Geeze I'm tired and I just wanna watch 24, kinda evenings." Well, half way through 24 I realized how bad I felt for missing the meeting, and also realized how I was being a bit of a negative self-beatin-up ass. I think I need to stay away from my home and purposely seek out other people in recovery right after work and in to the evening. If not that, stay busy, work out, do something, anything except sitting around my house from 5 - 9 at night. That just sucks, and will lead me to only one place... depression and isolation.

I also think that I need to learn to be happy with my self. Alot of times I will catch myself saying "you can't do that" or "you aren't capable" or just plain negative thoughts. That needs to stop. Perhaps some positive affirmations and stuff like that would help? I don't know. I have a painting I am working on that should help when I hang it on the wall... very "Enjoy the light of the day" oriented.

Well, regardless, today is a good day.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Day number 134

As more and more time goes by, it seems I am definetly seeing some of those traits which kept me drinking for so long. I believe somewhere around my early college years, I started to depend on drinking to escape from all of those inner workings. Specifically, loneliness was a big one. I started isolating and actually learned to enjoy isolating by drinking. Well, that went on for a while, and after college I hung out with even less people... I thought it was because that was what happens after college, you work and it is harder to make friends.

Well, I realize now I just wasn't making an effort to have any meaningful relationships in my life. Even today, I want to isolate, because old habits die hard. 7 years of drinking and striving to be alone is tuff to change. My friend Matt invited me to hang out with him Sunday, I did, and it was fun. I have all of these people I know, yet never really attempt to go hang out with them, unless it is dinner or starbucks after a meeting. That needs to change.

I remember in High School, I was lonely and afraid, in my Softmore Year. I felt like I had no friends, and was tired of hanging around at my house. My only real life was Ice Hockey practice and games. I made a decision that night to jump in my car and go see what was out there. Funny thing, I went to the ice rink. Safe bet I thought, and there I met that night the two guys who would later become my best friends in high school. We were inseperateble all through school. We had a huge group of friends and I remember actually looking forward to hanging out with them, and not drinking. I remember longing to just be around people, and doing things for fun. I hope to get back to that point, where I no longer obsess about isolating.

I think I made a mistake to go to Alabama for school, leaving my friends behind, and beginning my isolation... although, I have been told that I probably was already an alcoholic before hand, and that I should not have any regrets. Let it go, live in the moment, and move on. My friends did, why can't I?

I am working the fourth step this week, my sponsor says we should see some defects or something or other and soon take care of alot of these feelings, thoughts, and defects which are hampering my happiness. I am happy today. Why do I have "the grass is greener" syndrom? I am always thinking about old friends from High School, my home town, my relatives in Baltimore, my Dad in California, all of these places and things I think may be better than the one I am in right now.

I know Tampa is a great place, I have lots of friends, a job, a home, and people who love me. Anyhow, the point is, lately I have been thinking to much, and not living in the now. Today is better, I am in a good place. By talking with my sponsor, and my friends, I continue to find peace and hope. That's really all I want, serenity and peace of mind.

Well, that's all she wrote!

Enjoy the light of the day!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My family
My cats
My home
My car
This earth we walk on
Fire
Ice
The sunshine
Ebay
My friends
My friends
And the opportunity to make meaningful relationships!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Day 131!

Day 131!

I don't believe I have any great insites or any great quotes to reveal to you all. I had a wonderful day yesterday, and a pretty darn good day today. My mind is at ease. That is funny too, because at 4:00, my boss and I have a meeting with the Regional President, and usually that sort of thing terrifies me, exspecially when we no she is going to be sorely dissapointed in some of the news we may bring.

Today, I am in this weird state of happiness where my thoughts are happy even though there is some sense of foreboding in that future meeting. Kind of like I know it could suck but really isn't that big of a deal. Ya know??

However, I must admit I was in a shitty mood most of the week. Generally because I get in my head, and think about the future, the past and the inbetween. It is sooo hard folks, I have been a pretty negative, pessimistic person since highschool. I am not sure how to reverse that. Turn it all over to my HP? I mean, maybe I am not praying as much as I should. Maybe I need to think more on that plane of existance with my HP more often.

Well, regardless, today is a good day, and even if it was a crappy day, I am grateful to be alive today, and sober.

I feel like I am getting a little more connected in with friends and such, which is new to me. I have been invited to hang out this weekend with a fellow AA, so that is kind of cool. My fearful self tells me not to reach out, but I do anyhow, and because of that, things will and do get better. I look forward to a fun filled weekend of hanging out with friends and doing service work.

Today I am grateful for:

My family
My job
My life
My kittie cats
My friends
My stuff
My health
Being sober
Not drinking for 131 days!
Cool!
Being Sober!
Still breaking my personal sobriety records!
Ok, ok, I need to get excited about every now and then or I will forget.

I am grateful...

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Found a qoute!

Fear is the root of a whole lot of the depression I occassionally feel, I fear for work, I fear where I may go or what I may do with my career, I fear what my bosses think of me, I fear for what my friends think, I fear I am destined to be single the rest of my life... all irrational fears that plague my daily routine when I am not living in the spirit of the program.

Generally, today I felt pretty good, except tonight I was internalizing as I sent out the old resume for computer programming type work and other related jobs. Hence, fear raised it's ugly head, just before bed time, and I don't like that! So I shall pray about it and try to live in the moment.

I never thought I would find an AA related qoute in a famous Sci-fi book. From Frank Herbert's "Dune" written in 1965, on the bottom of page 225:

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Isn't that so damn cool!

I feel better already.

Enjoy the light of the day...

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Day 121... Friends in Denial

I had a friend recently ask me to tell them about why I was going to AA and why I thought I was an alcoholic. They initially told me that they had given up drinking and wanted to quit, unsure if they "really" had a problem. Unfortunately, I think that this person probably was a bit turned off by what I had to say.... which was the truth, that if they thought they had a problem, as they described it to me, that they most likely were an alcoholic. However, I emphasized that only they could determine if they really were an alcoholic. I think this person was wanting me to come out and decide for them that they had a problem... but I didn't say so. I just told them my story and related it to their drinking... I found it very hard to say things in such a way that they wouldn't scoff. So I think they scoffed, and that was that. I wanted to tell them how their drinking was worst than mine, and that they in fact were not special, and were among millions of people who have a problem... but I only thought it and did not voice my opinion, leaving them to find their own way.

Seeing someone in such a clear state of denial is very interesting to me, yet sooooo frustrating. I mean, admitting that you are an alcoholic, for me, was almost kind of liberating and I almost felt like I finally figured out at least in one instance, where I belonged in the world.

I play many different roles, work in different jobs, play different sports, and hang out with different people... all roles of which I am not sure if I belong, but I finally discovered one group of people I could totally relate to and feel that I belong: Alcoholics seeking sobriety. Simple isn't it? Not too scary is it? In some aspects in my life, like work, I sometimes wonder what my destiny is and where I am headed, terrified that I may be making or will make the wrong decision. But at least I know I have one thing right. That each day I wake up sober, and clearly understand that I am an alcoholic.

That is so cool!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
My friends
My kitty cats
My material possessions
My health
My sexy body
Did I just say that?

Monday, January 1, 2007

Day 120 ;) Happy New Year!

Day 120! Wow!

Today, it is a rainy, dreary day. Yesterday I felt irritable, restless and discontent. I imagine it could have something to do with it being new years and all of the fun I perceived "normal" people to be having... drinking and all. I maybe even entertained the thought for a moment, and then realized how insane my thinking was.

I said out loud... "I am irritable, restless, and discontent!" I almost had to laugh that I realized that I was in a bad mood! In the past, those feelings would probably have led me to the liquor store. Last night it led me safely back to the comfort of my bed... where I went to sleep to start a new day, today, sober, one more day at a time. Life is so simple, I hate it when my own brain get's in the way.

Any how, that's all I've got.