Ok, but I am not depressed about it... or wanting to shoot myself, or anything like that. Today is a good day, and I am simply going to enjoy the day.
I am going to enjoy the fact that I have a job and a pay check...
But... yes, always a but... I talked to my sponsor, and he told me "If you are suffering enough, you will change" or more to the point, basically that if my job is killing me, that I will change it when it gets bad enough. But my job doesn't really suck, I mean I think it's more me not being a good fit in the job... like I don't belong, no meaning...
That threw me off, cause he use to ask me to find my part in all this, and see where I can possibly work on me... since I was usually the problem... now I am confused. I have people telling me to work the program more, work on me, but also look for a job, and put myself out there more.
So, my thoughts are... maybe I do need to work on me, I do need to work the program like crazy, but also look for a job?? Ah well, I confuse the situation to all hell. Fact is I have a job, it's a good job, I don't like it so much, maybe I can find something I enjoy... end of story.
There are things I would like to try... teaching being one. A good way to start is substitute teaching, and then on to certification and a full time job. Problem with that is the money... I think I fear the change in salary. That is something that is really holding me back. I have a mortgage to pay that requires a certain amount per month, to pay it, and to take a cut in salary would require getting a roommate or moving. Plus teaching jobs don't really open up until the end of the school year... about 2 months away... so that is going to have to wait regardless of what I do.
So I guess I am in fear about it... fear of change... fear of losing prestige, fear of what people think or expect in me... damn fear!
A job is such a huge part of our week, should we not enjoy what we do? Why stay in a job just for money?? I know I can live on half of what I make, but that requires a big change. How do I know if I should make the change or not... am I just hoping others will make up my mind for me??? Is this more co-dependent behavior I so despise?! Ha! Can you tell I am an alcoholic?
Regardless, if you have read this far... I feel very serene today. Not much going on in the office, it is Monday, and people seem to not be busy, or not here. I hope I feel this good throughout the day... I heard alot of good stuff this weekend in meetings, and really want to apply some to my daily routine...
Just gotta stay in the now and be grateful... today is a great day. Enjoy today!
Peace...
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Day 175!
Since my last post on Friday, I am feeling better. Later in the afternoon on Friday, I ended up getting some work done and actually kinda sorta felt better by the end of the day...
I think the big issue here is fear. I fear my bobb's boss, responsibility, putting my self out there, and people in general. I fear accountability big time.. All these fears tend to just explode when I get to the office... some days are better than others. I basically drive my self nuts! I am starting to realize that it is all me... perhaps I am not working the program as well as I could be...
I wonder if I should get a new sponsor, I called him Friday morning, left a message explaining my dire depressive feelings, and he didn't call me back till Saturday! That was nothing new, he has been distant recently, he use to be more available... Plus, he doesn't really kick my butt into gear like he use to.. (he got a girlfriend) and everyone else in my area has been telling me to get a new sponsor... Some of my friends are worried that my sponsor is letting me down, but then I think: well what's my part, and am I not trying hard enough?
I think I may need someone who is a bit more active in AA, rather than his girl...
Hmmm... anywhoo, today is a good day... I need to reach out to some other alcoholics today, as I did yesterday... it feels so much better when I talk with others...
Thank you guys and gals, you are all wonderful!
I think the big issue here is fear. I fear my bobb's boss, responsibility, putting my self out there, and people in general. I fear accountability big time.. All these fears tend to just explode when I get to the office... some days are better than others. I basically drive my self nuts! I am starting to realize that it is all me... perhaps I am not working the program as well as I could be...
I wonder if I should get a new sponsor, I called him Friday morning, left a message explaining my dire depressive feelings, and he didn't call me back till Saturday! That was nothing new, he has been distant recently, he use to be more available... Plus, he doesn't really kick my butt into gear like he use to.. (he got a girlfriend) and everyone else in my area has been telling me to get a new sponsor... Some of my friends are worried that my sponsor is letting me down, but then I think: well what's my part, and am I not trying hard enough?
I think I may need someone who is a bit more active in AA, rather than his girl...
Hmmm... anywhoo, today is a good day... I need to reach out to some other alcoholics today, as I did yesterday... it feels so much better when I talk with others...
Thank you guys and gals, you are all wonderful!
Friday, February 23, 2007
Day 173! Despair and Depression!
Well, today marks a week before I pick up my 6 month chip! Yea me!
On to a serious matter, and I would love some input, although I realize you may not have all of the facts in the matter. Usually when I get to the office, the despair and depression doesn't hit till later in the day around 3:00ish... today, it hit like the second I got in, or even before when I was drinking coffee at panerra, reading the paper.
I feel like this: I am depressed. I hate my job. I feel like I do not belong here. I do not enjoy what I do. I feel like my boss has me doing two things, neither of which I get done... mostly because I lack any motivation. I do not like the industry I work in, I actualy kinda sorta despise it, and have for over 2 years... I feel despair, almost like crying, right now, sitting at my desk. This is how I feel, daily.
I get paid good enough that anything new that I do would probably mean a 25% - 50% cut in salary....
Just wanted to put that out there, I feel like I am about to self destruct, and would prefer not to. Everyday I dream of putting in my 2 weeks notice... but don't, because I would have no job to go to..
Any whoo, feels good just putting that out there.
Thanks for reading.
Jonathan
On to a serious matter, and I would love some input, although I realize you may not have all of the facts in the matter. Usually when I get to the office, the despair and depression doesn't hit till later in the day around 3:00ish... today, it hit like the second I got in, or even before when I was drinking coffee at panerra, reading the paper.
I feel like this: I am depressed. I hate my job. I feel like I do not belong here. I do not enjoy what I do. I feel like my boss has me doing two things, neither of which I get done... mostly because I lack any motivation. I do not like the industry I work in, I actualy kinda sorta despise it, and have for over 2 years... I feel despair, almost like crying, right now, sitting at my desk. This is how I feel, daily.
I get paid good enough that anything new that I do would probably mean a 25% - 50% cut in salary....
Just wanted to put that out there, I feel like I am about to self destruct, and would prefer not to. Everyday I dream of putting in my 2 weeks notice... but don't, because I would have no job to go to..
Any whoo, feels good just putting that out there.
Thanks for reading.
Jonathan
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Day 171! People going out and stuff...
Man,
Do you guys ever like get excited about people not showing up at meetings, or not posting to their blogs??? Like, kinda wonder "What's going on with so-and-so, I haven't seen her in a week or two..." and things like that? I kinda do, and I don't know really why, but I was just doing that two seconds ago... like two blogs I follow daily, and always have... the persons writing the blogs just kinda "dropped" off the planet... no posts in like 3 weeks. No warnings, just gone.... makes me wonder where they went!!!! And I do care, I want to make sure they are A.O.K!
I can't help but wonder...
And, when it's in the rooms, or someone I know personally... it's even more like wanna know, gotta find out what's going on with that person... weird. It's like if you know someone is on shaky ground, and they disappear, I want to know why they went out, and if they did, sometimes I feel good that I haven't gone out or what not....
I am rambling... (have a sugar/coffee buzz from starbucks... ;)
My point is, I like talking to people, checking in, wondering about people, basically being a social being. Sometimes I feel bad for taking an interest in how people are doing if they relapsed, or even talking about those folks with others... but isn't that our nature? To talk, to connect with others, and try to help?
When people go back out, I try to give my two cents in the most non-direct way... most of the times, the people listening who relapsed are like "Yea I know, but I am different" or "Yea I see what your saying but...". It is kinda fun to hear how people think and stuff, I am probably the same way, cause we all know I am different and you don't know anything about me. LOL, that is a joke, but you get the point right?
Any whoooo, I am so glad to be sober, and can't believe I am almost up to 6 months!!! SO cool.
Today I am grateful...
For Ted inviting me out to dinner tonight, to celebrate his divorce... sober.
For my friends
Family
kitty cats
And AA
Do you guys ever like get excited about people not showing up at meetings, or not posting to their blogs??? Like, kinda wonder "What's going on with so-and-so, I haven't seen her in a week or two..." and things like that? I kinda do, and I don't know really why, but I was just doing that two seconds ago... like two blogs I follow daily, and always have... the persons writing the blogs just kinda "dropped" off the planet... no posts in like 3 weeks. No warnings, just gone.... makes me wonder where they went!!!! And I do care, I want to make sure they are A.O.K!
I can't help but wonder...
And, when it's in the rooms, or someone I know personally... it's even more like wanna know, gotta find out what's going on with that person... weird. It's like if you know someone is on shaky ground, and they disappear, I want to know why they went out, and if they did, sometimes I feel good that I haven't gone out or what not....
I am rambling... (have a sugar/coffee buzz from starbucks... ;)
My point is, I like talking to people, checking in, wondering about people, basically being a social being. Sometimes I feel bad for taking an interest in how people are doing if they relapsed, or even talking about those folks with others... but isn't that our nature? To talk, to connect with others, and try to help?
When people go back out, I try to give my two cents in the most non-direct way... most of the times, the people listening who relapsed are like "Yea I know, but I am different" or "Yea I see what your saying but...". It is kinda fun to hear how people think and stuff, I am probably the same way, cause we all know I am different and you don't know anything about me. LOL, that is a joke, but you get the point right?
Any whoooo, I am so glad to be sober, and can't believe I am almost up to 6 months!!! SO cool.
Today I am grateful...
For Ted inviting me out to dinner tonight, to celebrate his divorce... sober.
For my friends
Family
kitty cats
And AA
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Day 170!!!
Day 170!!
Interesting, I was just surfing around on the internet, and found tons of people just like me! Specifically, I was looking for more guidance on my work situation, depression, motivation, and those sorts of things. So I find it not too surprising that out there, people, non-alcoholic or alcoholic, seem to experience the exact same things I do when it relates to my career...
Lol, that is funny... like I actually expected to be alone and different?
So anywhoooo, I am at the office and not doing too much work at the moment. Earlier in the day I was trudging, and I mean trudging through a stack of bills. I read an article about motivation, and it said you need to just do it... cause otherwise you'd just sit there and tell your self all those "Why can't I..." questions. Once you start doing, you can actually then look back at what you did and feel good about it, or objectively say "that sucks"... or what ever. Point is, you gotta do, you can't just sit around like I do sometimes and be a slothful ass... cause that is a downward spiraling scenerio if you let it happen...
So I did, and felt pretty good. Unfortunetly, that stack of bills is now gone, and finished. I had a few phone calls to make a second ago, but now am kinda sorta idle. My boss is in a meeting, but even if he were out and about, I'd probably still not have much to do....
At lunch, OMG, I was sitting down at a table, and 3 people came and sat down next to me. All three of them, turns out, were training to be substitute teachers. Can you believe that? Is that God talking, saying "Hey you! Yea you! Go try it out, and see if you like it!" That's kinda what I got out of it any way. I talked to them a bit and listened... I think now more than ever I'd like to give it a shot. The problem is my high paying job pays the bills, and substitue teaching wouldn't even pay half of my bills... oh well. Not like tenure would pay much more... hmmm. Any whoo, I am trying not to take too much control, but seriously, work takes up half of my life, and I am not happy. Should I not try to find something else? I have never been much for corporate office environments....
Ok, end rant.
Today I am grateful for:
My house
My cats
My family
My brother and his soon to be child
My friends
AA
My AA friends for hanging out with me...
My sponsor
My kitty cats are so cute
My journal at home
My health
Being single... ok, that one kinda sucks, but I can see how I should be grateful and not dwell on it.
My life
Interesting, I was just surfing around on the internet, and found tons of people just like me! Specifically, I was looking for more guidance on my work situation, depression, motivation, and those sorts of things. So I find it not too surprising that out there, people, non-alcoholic or alcoholic, seem to experience the exact same things I do when it relates to my career...
Lol, that is funny... like I actually expected to be alone and different?
So anywhoooo, I am at the office and not doing too much work at the moment. Earlier in the day I was trudging, and I mean trudging through a stack of bills. I read an article about motivation, and it said you need to just do it... cause otherwise you'd just sit there and tell your self all those "Why can't I..." questions. Once you start doing, you can actually then look back at what you did and feel good about it, or objectively say "that sucks"... or what ever. Point is, you gotta do, you can't just sit around like I do sometimes and be a slothful ass... cause that is a downward spiraling scenerio if you let it happen...
So I did, and felt pretty good. Unfortunetly, that stack of bills is now gone, and finished. I had a few phone calls to make a second ago, but now am kinda sorta idle. My boss is in a meeting, but even if he were out and about, I'd probably still not have much to do....
At lunch, OMG, I was sitting down at a table, and 3 people came and sat down next to me. All three of them, turns out, were training to be substitute teachers. Can you believe that? Is that God talking, saying "Hey you! Yea you! Go try it out, and see if you like it!" That's kinda what I got out of it any way. I talked to them a bit and listened... I think now more than ever I'd like to give it a shot. The problem is my high paying job pays the bills, and substitue teaching wouldn't even pay half of my bills... oh well. Not like tenure would pay much more... hmmm. Any whoo, I am trying not to take too much control, but seriously, work takes up half of my life, and I am not happy. Should I not try to find something else? I have never been much for corporate office environments....
Ok, end rant.
Today I am grateful for:
My house
My cats
My family
My brother and his soon to be child
My friends
AA
My AA friends for hanging out with me...
My sponsor
My kitty cats are so cute
My journal at home
My health
Being single... ok, that one kinda sucks, but I can see how I should be grateful and not dwell on it.
My life
Monday, February 19, 2007
Day 169!
Only 11 days to my 6 month chip!!!! OH YEA!
Well, this weekend was simply fabulous! I went to the State Fair and saw all the perty animals and did some white trash watching, and fat folks watching too. I almost had to try out the deep fried snickers bars, but opted instead for a piece of beef jerky.
I didn't really go for the food or rides, I just wanted to go walk around, and am glad I did. I also pretty much did what I usually do on the weekends, did my coffee commitments and went to meetings... I also hung out with a few AA's last night after our 7:30 meeting... that was cool.
Hmmm... not much to really say. I still can't get motivated at work. It seems I have some bills stacking up right next to me as I type this, and don't feel much like doing anything with them. Seems today is just over. I should probably wrap it up and just head home... but I won't, I will stay till 5:00 and "act" like I am really doing something. I probably shouldn't type this sort of info on here, what if my boss were to come across it? LOL, that would be funny. Maybe I'll try googling me and see if anything pops up from this blog.
I have a meeting tonight at 7:00. I look forward to it, I think I may jump on the ol' bicycle and run on over to the gym before, and get a good work out in. I need to start doing more weights, as I feel like I am gettig skinnier...
Well, that's all she wrote folks! Nothing new with me! I am still sober, and that is what counts! Just trying to figure out my work situation... ya know? I'd really like for a Math Teacher position to open up, so I can try that career field out.
Peace to you all!
Well, this weekend was simply fabulous! I went to the State Fair and saw all the perty animals and did some white trash watching, and fat folks watching too. I almost had to try out the deep fried snickers bars, but opted instead for a piece of beef jerky.
I didn't really go for the food or rides, I just wanted to go walk around, and am glad I did. I also pretty much did what I usually do on the weekends, did my coffee commitments and went to meetings... I also hung out with a few AA's last night after our 7:30 meeting... that was cool.
Hmmm... not much to really say. I still can't get motivated at work. It seems I have some bills stacking up right next to me as I type this, and don't feel much like doing anything with them. Seems today is just over. I should probably wrap it up and just head home... but I won't, I will stay till 5:00 and "act" like I am really doing something. I probably shouldn't type this sort of info on here, what if my boss were to come across it? LOL, that would be funny. Maybe I'll try googling me and see if anything pops up from this blog.
I have a meeting tonight at 7:00. I look forward to it, I think I may jump on the ol' bicycle and run on over to the gym before, and get a good work out in. I need to start doing more weights, as I feel like I am gettig skinnier...
Well, that's all she wrote folks! Nothing new with me! I am still sober, and that is what counts! Just trying to figure out my work situation... ya know? I'd really like for a Math Teacher position to open up, so I can try that career field out.
Peace to you all!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Day 165
Today has been a great day!
This morning, I talked to my boss about what I do here. He basically said that he thinks I should manage my time better. Hmmm... well, I kinda sorta got a good idea of what he expects. So now I can go do my job right? Right, I think.
Bottom line, is that it felt good to tell my boss what I was thinking and how I was feeling. Someone last night said "What's the worst that could happen?" If you ask that question, in almost all of the real world issues that I obsess about, the answer usually is... not much.
Nothing much bad can happen over most, if not everything I worry about. So why worry?
Well, today I am trying to get motivated to do some good work. This morning I was kicking butt, but now, after lunch... starting to wane a bit.
Today i am grateful... for:
My two pretty kitty cats
My Town Home
My car
My bike
My tang so do
My friends
AA
My family
My brother
You guys
This morning, I talked to my boss about what I do here. He basically said that he thinks I should manage my time better. Hmmm... well, I kinda sorta got a good idea of what he expects. So now I can go do my job right? Right, I think.
Bottom line, is that it felt good to tell my boss what I was thinking and how I was feeling. Someone last night said "What's the worst that could happen?" If you ask that question, in almost all of the real world issues that I obsess about, the answer usually is... not much.
Nothing much bad can happen over most, if not everything I worry about. So why worry?
Well, today I am trying to get motivated to do some good work. This morning I was kicking butt, but now, after lunch... starting to wane a bit.
Today i am grateful... for:
My two pretty kitty cats
My Town Home
My car
My bike
My tang so do
My friends
AA
My family
My brother
You guys
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