Yea me!
I still hate my job. Today is worse than ever... not sure what's going on in my head, it feels like total lack of enthusiasm, no desire, no passion, fuck you kind of attitude...
Well, that is how I feel. You know what it is? I have been trying to get an other job, and am not making any head way, so that really makes me feel crappy. How do you turn that over to my HP? Well, every time I post, I feel better immediately after, because I realize what I need to do... ask my HP to help.
I am starting to feel weird shit, like despair and hopelessness, while at the office. What the hell is up with that? Depression perhaps? I don't think so, as my evenings are usually positive. I think it just boils down to the job.
Well, that's all she wrote.
I do not have the desire to drink today. Thank God for that! For that seems to be the most important thing.
Peace...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
DAy 149!
Wow, almost 5 months sober! Coolio.
Went to a great meeting yesterday, and heard exactly what I needed to hear. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems...
Well, today, I don't really feel much like working, and quite honestly, I haven't done shit for work since I got here this morning.
My boss keeps asking me to do things for him, like setup a meeting here, or look at this property there, or some bullshit that get's me off of all the other things I am "supposed" to be doing. So I basically shut down. I don't like being told to do things, and when I resent the company and entire industry to begin with, it's like just asking for disaster. I have hated this industry for the last 2 years...
Ah well. I shall try to ask God to help me be of use to him, and to give me some guidance if it be his will. Lord knows my will ain't working... I will pray, and try to get some work done.
Today I am grateful to be sober. If anything, being sober today is by far my greatest accomplishment, and I will hold on to that truth.
Peace
Went to a great meeting yesterday, and heard exactly what I needed to hear. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems...
Well, today, I don't really feel much like working, and quite honestly, I haven't done shit for work since I got here this morning.
My boss keeps asking me to do things for him, like setup a meeting here, or look at this property there, or some bullshit that get's me off of all the other things I am "supposed" to be doing. So I basically shut down. I don't like being told to do things, and when I resent the company and entire industry to begin with, it's like just asking for disaster. I have hated this industry for the last 2 years...
Ah well. I shall try to ask God to help me be of use to him, and to give me some guidance if it be his will. Lord knows my will ain't working... I will pray, and try to get some work done.
Today I am grateful to be sober. If anything, being sober today is by far my greatest accomplishment, and I will hold on to that truth.
Peace
Monday, January 29, 2007
Day 148
Well today is a good day. Friday I was losing it, and today I thought I was again too... I called my sponsor last night and made a commitment to call him every day, as I have been neglecting that aspect of my sobriety. I will also call him whenever I get into these shitty moments!
Any how, today, I still hate my job!! And funny thing, a prospect job popped up, and I spent 3 hours thinking about wether or not to send them my resume... it's like when it comes down to it, I am scared to make any changes...
Oh well, I have to be off, as 5:00 nears, and I have coffee commitment tonight!
Enjoy the light of the day!!!!
Any how, today, I still hate my job!! And funny thing, a prospect job popped up, and I spent 3 hours thinking about wether or not to send them my resume... it's like when it comes down to it, I am scared to make any changes...
Oh well, I have to be off, as 5:00 nears, and I have coffee commitment tonight!
Enjoy the light of the day!!!!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Half way through the day here...
My head is about to explode, I fear my ego is getting in the way here today.... I feel like I want to lash out at everyone and everything. It is getting hard to contain myself... So I type. My boss told me one thing, his boss expects something, I read too much into it all, then R. wants something to go to someone (why don't you just f#$%ing send it yourself?), and "What the f$#@ are those easement papers doing on my desk?" (not my job either)
So yea, that's what kind of day I am having today. It is hard to put my ego aside when things start not making sense and bosses ask for stupid shit and try to hard to control crap... Here's an idea... let me do my fucking job!
On top of all of that, I did not get to enjoy my lunch. Selfish? Probably... not letting shit go... most likely. I am pissed, not much else to report. Oh yea, regardless, I don't have to drink over it, and I don't feel like drinking either. So thank God for that. Now, let go of the fucking ego Jonathan...
So yea, that's what kind of day I am having today. It is hard to put my ego aside when things start not making sense and bosses ask for stupid shit and try to hard to control crap... Here's an idea... let me do my fucking job!
On top of all of that, I did not get to enjoy my lunch. Selfish? Probably... not letting shit go... most likely. I am pissed, not much else to report. Oh yea, regardless, I don't have to drink over it, and I don't feel like drinking either. So thank God for that. Now, let go of the fucking ego Jonathan...
Day 145
Day 145!
And still counting, yes indeed it is true; I am still sober. After hearing Sandy B. share on Tuesday night about our egos and how our ego keeps us from our "HP", I have been trying on a daily basis to ask my HP to remove my ego and allow me to be of service to others. Like constantly while I am at work, I am kinda sorta talking to myself, it's kind of comical.
And it has worked to an extent. I have had a few busy days and have gotten some good work done. I still don't like my job, and I still want to do something different. Beside just changing jobs, I have ideas for my own business... nothing new there, and nothing worth dwelling on here. Just want to write it down.;
I saw my cousin Brian last night, drove out to pick him up for dinner, and took him out to eat some sushi. We shot the shit for a bit (rhymes!) and then I took him back to the hotel. Brian has a couple ideas of what he wants to do. He is passionate about "green" technologies and environmental tech... very smart guy, and I hope he really follows his passions. He seems to be the one person in my family who thinks of what he wants to do, and then goes and does it. I think of things and never do it, well, have not without alcohol that is.
Pretty much it's just me an my insecurities! No surprise there. Regardless, I have ideas and plans to make a change soon, within the next 4 months I hope... maybe I am being too wishful, but we shall see.
Today I am grateful for
My job
My kitty cats
My house
My mom...
My brother
My family
My sister
My dad
My friends
My life
Sandy B. for just being there
And still counting, yes indeed it is true; I am still sober. After hearing Sandy B. share on Tuesday night about our egos and how our ego keeps us from our "HP", I have been trying on a daily basis to ask my HP to remove my ego and allow me to be of service to others. Like constantly while I am at work, I am kinda sorta talking to myself, it's kind of comical.
And it has worked to an extent. I have had a few busy days and have gotten some good work done. I still don't like my job, and I still want to do something different. Beside just changing jobs, I have ideas for my own business... nothing new there, and nothing worth dwelling on here. Just want to write it down.;
I saw my cousin Brian last night, drove out to pick him up for dinner, and took him out to eat some sushi. We shot the shit for a bit (rhymes!) and then I took him back to the hotel. Brian has a couple ideas of what he wants to do. He is passionate about "green" technologies and environmental tech... very smart guy, and I hope he really follows his passions. He seems to be the one person in my family who thinks of what he wants to do, and then goes and does it. I think of things and never do it, well, have not without alcohol that is.
Pretty much it's just me an my insecurities! No surprise there. Regardless, I have ideas and plans to make a change soon, within the next 4 months I hope... maybe I am being too wishful, but we shall see.
Today I am grateful for
My job
My kitty cats
My house
My mom...
My brother
My family
My sister
My dad
My friends
My life
Sandy B. for just being there
Monday, January 22, 2007
Day 141... and still sober
Getting sober is easy. It's staying sober that is hard... just so you know.
Today has been another one of those "Fuck it" kinda days. We were in a meeting and I made the suggestion, or point rather, that we should get an attorney involved in every deal we do... everyone in the meeting agreed except for the VP. Then he had the nerve to say "Oh they're young yet...", basically implying that he knows all and myself and this other gal know nothing.
That kinda pissed me off, especially because everyone, even the project engineers know that it is common knowledge in this industry to get a freaking attorney involved from the get go. My boss prefers to not do that, because he thinks he knows everything, and in the long run, we all get screwed.
End rant.
Really, though, it's not a big deal, I have gotten a good bit done today; put a few jobs out to bid, made a few calls, made some emails and wheeled and dealed so to speak. I still would like to switch it up as far as the job goes; quit and get back into computer programming for which my degree is in... I am searching for a job people!
As for life in general... this last weekend I felt the urge and obsession to drink return to me, as if it had not gone any where. Very odd feeling. I found myself dreaming of getting toasted and getting sloshed... you know, that happy go-lucky feeling we chased after time and time again? I thought about that warm fuzzy feeling you get in your stomach and romantized it, even massaged it a bit. Man, scary shit.
Then I thought about how I would feel, the consequences, the hang-over, and the potential to get into trouble... oh yes, I liked to party when I drank. "I think I will just stay sober one more day!" I told myself ;) But I digress, it was not that easy. I did not feel like picking up the phone, nor really doing anything. I forced myself to help out at a meeting. I dragged my ass to my car and forced myself to turn it on, even though I did not want to see you people. I cringed when the phone range, yet answered it, only because I knew that was what I had to do... I went out to dinner Friday and Saturday night with sober friends, watch the game on Sunday with more sober friends, and by Sunday evening I was back on track and feeling golden. How cool is that? Just hanging out and checking in helped keep me sober, one day at a time... How about that? ;)
I really don't want to drink guys, and I today I am glad I have the tools to deal with those feelings, and sober friends to call, and sober friends to shoot the shit with and watch football with.... GO COLTS!!! I really am grateful for all of this stuff.
Today has been another one of those "Fuck it" kinda days. We were in a meeting and I made the suggestion, or point rather, that we should get an attorney involved in every deal we do... everyone in the meeting agreed except for the VP. Then he had the nerve to say "Oh they're young yet...", basically implying that he knows all and myself and this other gal know nothing.
That kinda pissed me off, especially because everyone, even the project engineers know that it is common knowledge in this industry to get a freaking attorney involved from the get go. My boss prefers to not do that, because he thinks he knows everything, and in the long run, we all get screwed.
End rant.
Really, though, it's not a big deal, I have gotten a good bit done today; put a few jobs out to bid, made a few calls, made some emails and wheeled and dealed so to speak. I still would like to switch it up as far as the job goes; quit and get back into computer programming for which my degree is in... I am searching for a job people!
As for life in general... this last weekend I felt the urge and obsession to drink return to me, as if it had not gone any where. Very odd feeling. I found myself dreaming of getting toasted and getting sloshed... you know, that happy go-lucky feeling we chased after time and time again? I thought about that warm fuzzy feeling you get in your stomach and romantized it, even massaged it a bit. Man, scary shit.
Then I thought about how I would feel, the consequences, the hang-over, and the potential to get into trouble... oh yes, I liked to party when I drank. "I think I will just stay sober one more day!" I told myself ;) But I digress, it was not that easy. I did not feel like picking up the phone, nor really doing anything. I forced myself to help out at a meeting. I dragged my ass to my car and forced myself to turn it on, even though I did not want to see you people. I cringed when the phone range, yet answered it, only because I knew that was what I had to do... I went out to dinner Friday and Saturday night with sober friends, watch the game on Sunday with more sober friends, and by Sunday evening I was back on track and feeling golden. How cool is that? Just hanging out and checking in helped keep me sober, one day at a time... How about that? ;)
I really don't want to drink guys, and I today I am glad I have the tools to deal with those feelings, and sober friends to call, and sober friends to shoot the shit with and watch football with.... GO COLTS!!! I really am grateful for all of this stuff.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Ramblings... day 137 :)
Day 137
My lord, where does the time go? One of these days I need to stop counting the days.... although I am scared to do so. Is that an OCD thing? Oh well, not a big deal.
Today is a good day at work. I still don't like my job and want to do something different. Big surprise there. I am here, and doing the best that I can with what God gave me. Oh yea! I woke up at freaking 6:00 am this morning and went to Panera for some coffee and the paper. That was nice, but not as uber cool as I had imagined in my dreams... you know, waking up early and going for coffee... it has always been something I dreamed about.... since in the past, getting up early was such a positive experience.
On my way in, I thought about how I felt, and heard things in my head like "the early bird gets the worm" and "Wow, I am not going to be 'waking up' at the office this morning". Well, it has had some effect... although I don't know what. I have accomplished things today, more than usual, but I don't "feel" all that different. Anywhoooo, point is that waking up early is good, it means going to bed earlier... hopefully. Atleast, that is my dream. Although, I have my doubts, as I have gone to bed late ever since like 16 years ago... even minus the alcohol.
Well, now that I am rambling about stuff, it is clear that today is indeed a good day. Did I mention I am looking for a job? That would be nice, a new job that I enjoy, and one that is meaningful. I am willing to take a cut in salary... I am certified to teach math grades 6-12... although I am scared of trying that, as I don't know how well I'd do on that platform in front of a class. Probably fairly well, but still terrified of the prospect. Hence, why I am still here looking for other jobs first. Wow, now I am really rambling. I didn't mean to make this a journal entry, although isn't that what this is all about?? Speaking of, I bought a journal, and have been writing in it at night. I find it fairly relaxing , although I should learn to turn off The Daily Show, before I write in it.
Today I am content, and grateful....
Peace...
My lord, where does the time go? One of these days I need to stop counting the days.... although I am scared to do so. Is that an OCD thing? Oh well, not a big deal.
Today is a good day at work. I still don't like my job and want to do something different. Big surprise there. I am here, and doing the best that I can with what God gave me. Oh yea! I woke up at freaking 6:00 am this morning and went to Panera for some coffee and the paper. That was nice, but not as uber cool as I had imagined in my dreams... you know, waking up early and going for coffee... it has always been something I dreamed about.... since in the past, getting up early was such a positive experience.
On my way in, I thought about how I felt, and heard things in my head like "the early bird gets the worm" and "Wow, I am not going to be 'waking up' at the office this morning". Well, it has had some effect... although I don't know what. I have accomplished things today, more than usual, but I don't "feel" all that different. Anywhoooo, point is that waking up early is good, it means going to bed earlier... hopefully. Atleast, that is my dream. Although, I have my doubts, as I have gone to bed late ever since like 16 years ago... even minus the alcohol.
Well, now that I am rambling about stuff, it is clear that today is indeed a good day. Did I mention I am looking for a job? That would be nice, a new job that I enjoy, and one that is meaningful. I am willing to take a cut in salary... I am certified to teach math grades 6-12... although I am scared of trying that, as I don't know how well I'd do on that platform in front of a class. Probably fairly well, but still terrified of the prospect. Hence, why I am still here looking for other jobs first. Wow, now I am really rambling. I didn't mean to make this a journal entry, although isn't that what this is all about?? Speaking of, I bought a journal, and have been writing in it at night. I find it fairly relaxing , although I should learn to turn off The Daily Show, before I write in it.
Today I am content, and grateful....
Peace...
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