Had some pretty interesting swings in my mood lately... a few days ago, it was pure fear. Like pure fear. Really messed up. I was terrified of other people around the office. And I suddenly came to the realization, that I work for my boss, noone else, and that it didn't matter what any one else thinks. Not the president, not the division president, none of the other managers.... especially this one girl who really irks me.
So, today, I feal great. I leave for Mexico on Monday, and finally feel confident that all is going to be well. Just need to put a little list together for my boss this after noon, and everything is kosher. I handled myself quite well in the meeting this morning with the Regional President... the one I REALLLY FEAR, and it went so well! So well in fact, it scares the shit out of me!
Ha! So, I am what, 5 days sober?? Maybe 6... and we are right at the point where I need to really kick some ass and do the AA thing. It always happens to me on the weekend... relapse. And I don't want it. So, tonight, I will do what I need to do. Shit, I need to call my sponsor like right now... er maybe after our 2:00 meeting. Any how, I will go for now, and update this after our 2:00 meeting.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Fear at work
I seem to have a real bad fear of people... especially at work. It seems I fear calling people, talking to people, asking people for stuff... and on and on. I need to talk to my sponsor about this, and keep praying for God to give me the strength to face my fears rather than avoid them. Avoiding them only seems to make matters worse. I need to pick up that damn phone and make those damn phone calls. DO IT NOW!
It is so hard for me... please God help me.
Peace...
It is so hard for me... please God help me.
Peace...
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Hola!
Before I forget! My new "date" is now Sunday, June 18th of 2006. Today is my 3rd day! I am a bit more excited this time! I really need to pray, so I can not type long. Plus, I have responsibilities I need to take care of at work.
What do 2 Private eyes and my sister screaming "Bitch" at the top of her lungs have in common? Wrecking my serenity, that's what.
Peace
What do 2 Private eyes and my sister screaming "Bitch" at the top of her lungs have in common? Wrecking my serenity, that's what.
Peace
Thursday, June 15, 2006
More BLAH!
I don't know why, but more or less, it seems to me that writing down how I am feeling, day to day, really helps. Today I am going to be honest. I feel sooooo blah. Not even funny blah. Is it stress? I don't know. Maybe I need to stay away from the coffee... bought three cups a day. I work out like crazy too, not sure if I am feeling fatigued from that... maybe tonight I will skip my bike ride. Yes, that's the ticket!!! My body deserves a rest.
Well, as you know, my mother and sister now live with me. And that is stressing the hell out of me. Also I am going to Cabo in like a week and a half, and that is kinda stressful too, but man, when I get there, it's going to just wind the f*ck down. Sweet... I wonder if I can sell everything and move to Mexico. That would be a cool life. Learn to speak spanish real well, and marry a hot mexican chick. Then again, that is probably just my ego wanting to play the hero to some poor mexican girl.
Oh me. I am a bit crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out of this alcohol thing. I am pretty sure I have an issue. I drank again on... what Monday night was it? My sobriety date is now June 13th. How hard will it be to remain sober in Mexico with a week and a half? Pretty freaking hard I bet. But, it is the off season, right? Ok, maybe it's not, or maybe I really have no freaking clue. I think christmas time down there is king, with the summer getting realllllly hot. We shall see. Well regardless of what happens today or tomorrow. I believe that I will feel better about my life, simply by pressing the submit botton.
I bought two of those 12 step prayer books, to help me out. I really enjoy them! I have one sitting in my drawer to my right at the moment, and read it often for inspiration. Also, I have one at home, along with the Big Blue Book.
Another issue I have, is the whole loneliness thing. I really need a woman man. Enough said. I need to start dating again, although having two crazy women in my home probably prevents me from dating anyone normal.
Will see how that goes. Ya right, I am such a doubter. As I write this I am thinking "sha right dude! You, a girl? Ya right!" I wonder what mom is making for dinner, ten bucks says nothing, and I am eating at sub-way.
Peace
Well, as you know, my mother and sister now live with me. And that is stressing the hell out of me. Also I am going to Cabo in like a week and a half, and that is kinda stressful too, but man, when I get there, it's going to just wind the f*ck down. Sweet... I wonder if I can sell everything and move to Mexico. That would be a cool life. Learn to speak spanish real well, and marry a hot mexican chick. Then again, that is probably just my ego wanting to play the hero to some poor mexican girl.
Oh me. I am a bit crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get out of this alcohol thing. I am pretty sure I have an issue. I drank again on... what Monday night was it? My sobriety date is now June 13th. How hard will it be to remain sober in Mexico with a week and a half? Pretty freaking hard I bet. But, it is the off season, right? Ok, maybe it's not, or maybe I really have no freaking clue. I think christmas time down there is king, with the summer getting realllllly hot. We shall see. Well regardless of what happens today or tomorrow. I believe that I will feel better about my life, simply by pressing the submit botton.
I bought two of those 12 step prayer books, to help me out. I really enjoy them! I have one sitting in my drawer to my right at the moment, and read it often for inspiration. Also, I have one at home, along with the Big Blue Book.
Another issue I have, is the whole loneliness thing. I really need a woman man. Enough said. I need to start dating again, although having two crazy women in my home probably prevents me from dating anyone normal.
Will see how that goes. Ya right, I am such a doubter. As I write this I am thinking "sha right dude! You, a girl? Ya right!" I wonder what mom is making for dinner, ten bucks says nothing, and I am eating at sub-way.
Peace
Wowoweee
Ok, so I am fealing a bit stir crazy. I did not get the chance to workout last night, and now it is raing cats and dogs. So I don't think riding a bike is going to be good idea for this evening... unless.... can I ride in the rain? What does that do to the gears? I wonder.... maybe I should call the bike folkls? If I can ride in the rain, then it will not be a big deal. It would actually be kinda cool. Maybe I will check that out right now on google. BRB. Ok, so now I am back, actually, it is the next day... but funny how I never finished writing this. It is now ten in the AM... and yes I did end up riding my bike last night. Then, I went to the Monday night meeting at Bayshore, where I got a bunch of people's phone numbers. Then, I called a friend to talk, and went home. It was at home where I started to obsess. Then, I went and acted on that obsession. This has been the first time in a long time, that I have had a drink the evening before I had to work the next day. I woke up late, and feel like complete shit.
Some thing is not working in my recovery. I need to do something about this. I need to change.
Well what the hell do I do? It's funny that this happens, but it's not. It's more sad then anything. I feel like I want to crawl into my bed, and not come out for a week or two. Staying sober would be so easy if I just had a few weeks under my belt. I will make a freaking commitment to stay sober. Fuck alcohol. Easier said then done. But fuck it none the less. My new sobriety date is now June 13th, 2006. Sobriety, here I come!
Some thing is not working in my recovery. I need to do something about this. I need to change.
Well what the hell do I do? It's funny that this happens, but it's not. It's more sad then anything. I feel like I want to crawl into my bed, and not come out for a week or two. Staying sober would be so easy if I just had a few weeks under my belt. I will make a freaking commitment to stay sober. Fuck alcohol. Easier said then done. But fuck it none the less. My new sobriety date is now June 13th, 2006. Sobriety, here I come!
Monday, June 5, 2006
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Well, perhaps it is time to add to my blog, another story in my happy stress free life. Notice that those last 3 words are any thing but the truth! LOL, God, I really need to pray, go to a meeting, and read the big book. My sister is at my house now, my mom is crazier then ever. She has talked me into letting her buy me a car, or atleast pay half. I have settled in on a Lexus. I feel really bad about it, but she is insisting.
I am worried about mom and her money.
I am pissed about Katie and her hippy personality.
I am under stress at work.
I fear work.
I fear lack of work.
I fear sobriety or the lack thereof.
I fear for my sanity.
I feel inadaquate.
I love my cats.
I have a shitload of money compared to others.
I have a nice job.
I will not get fired.
My boss likes me.
My mom loves me.
My dad loves me.
All these people love me.
Why am I so crazy?
I have to do my fourth step.
Peace
I am worried about mom and her money.
I am pissed about Katie and her hippy personality.
I am under stress at work.
I fear work.
I fear lack of work.
I fear sobriety or the lack thereof.
I fear for my sanity.
I feel inadaquate.
I love my cats.
I have a shitload of money compared to others.
I have a nice job.
I will not get fired.
My boss likes me.
My mom loves me.
My dad loves me.
All these people love me.
Why am I so crazy?
I have to do my fourth step.
Peace
Thursday, June 1, 2006
Way blah
Well,
Interesting thing happened. I went to Indiana, and it seems that everyone I use to know has slowly begun to change. Jack's friends all look about the same. A bunch of mine, however, got fat. Or, got fat, and stayed stupid. Chad ways more than me and still lives at home. No doubt now that he is just one of those people who will never do anything.... of course there is still hope for him yet. I don't think he will move out of his house until his parents die. Literally. No way no how is he ever going to leave that house. I had mentioned something to him, along the lines of "Hey Chad, what are you going to do when they tear Mohawk Trails down?" He said "Well, they are supposed to do it in 5 years, but you know, they may never get the permits!" Yea right dude, I am a developer, no way they aint not going to develop.
Well, besides that, I had a good time. Friday night we went to a strip club, and then out to Broodripple on Saturday, plus we hung out at Brad Quicks house as well. Very cool. Let me not forgot the Mustange I rented... very cool car, makes me want to buy something new myself... and now I am thinking about getting a Jaquar or Mercedes. Those Jaguars look sweet and are surprisingly affordable.
I'd like to sell the motorcycle, and may just list it and see what happens... although it would be sweet to roll a Jaguar as well as a motorcycle. How cool would I be? Very. I think the prospect of an early death on a motorcycle scares me... hence the thought of getting rid of it. I am not sure I really enjoy it besides puttsing around town... I am not into the long haul stuff. Maybe I should get a smaller bike... hmmm. Not sure what to do. I do think I need to get rid of it sooner so I can get more for it... $9,000 minimum! I believe I bought bikes when I was drinking, and now that I am not, really have lost some interest in it. Same thing goes with eve-online. Maybe it's time to reassess my priorities, eh?
My little sister Katie is moving down to Florida tonight. My mom has her staying with me, along with her two cats. This has been keeping me awake at night. I know I am probably being overly anal about the whole situation, but still, I am a bit pissed. I feel like her cats are a huge problem. First off, I don't want my two cats to have to stress through meeting two more cats. Also, they are outside cats... meaning flees, lice, FIV, and all sorts of other stuff... I feel like this is a huge problem, with one solution, that I am to scared to really choose because my mom will pour on the guilt. I think I am going to make a rules list or something, so they each know exactly what is wrong as far as the treatment of my animals and things of that nature... Oh well, besides that, I feel good. I need to fall asleep earlier and get tired sooner... not sure how to do it, but tonight I will try.
Peace
Interesting thing happened. I went to Indiana, and it seems that everyone I use to know has slowly begun to change. Jack's friends all look about the same. A bunch of mine, however, got fat. Or, got fat, and stayed stupid. Chad ways more than me and still lives at home. No doubt now that he is just one of those people who will never do anything.... of course there is still hope for him yet. I don't think he will move out of his house until his parents die. Literally. No way no how is he ever going to leave that house. I had mentioned something to him, along the lines of "Hey Chad, what are you going to do when they tear Mohawk Trails down?" He said "Well, they are supposed to do it in 5 years, but you know, they may never get the permits!" Yea right dude, I am a developer, no way they aint not going to develop.
Well, besides that, I had a good time. Friday night we went to a strip club, and then out to Broodripple on Saturday, plus we hung out at Brad Quicks house as well. Very cool. Let me not forgot the Mustange I rented... very cool car, makes me want to buy something new myself... and now I am thinking about getting a Jaquar or Mercedes. Those Jaguars look sweet and are surprisingly affordable.
I'd like to sell the motorcycle, and may just list it and see what happens... although it would be sweet to roll a Jaguar as well as a motorcycle. How cool would I be? Very. I think the prospect of an early death on a motorcycle scares me... hence the thought of getting rid of it. I am not sure I really enjoy it besides puttsing around town... I am not into the long haul stuff. Maybe I should get a smaller bike... hmmm. Not sure what to do. I do think I need to get rid of it sooner so I can get more for it... $9,000 minimum! I believe I bought bikes when I was drinking, and now that I am not, really have lost some interest in it. Same thing goes with eve-online. Maybe it's time to reassess my priorities, eh?
My little sister Katie is moving down to Florida tonight. My mom has her staying with me, along with her two cats. This has been keeping me awake at night. I know I am probably being overly anal about the whole situation, but still, I am a bit pissed. I feel like her cats are a huge problem. First off, I don't want my two cats to have to stress through meeting two more cats. Also, they are outside cats... meaning flees, lice, FIV, and all sorts of other stuff... I feel like this is a huge problem, with one solution, that I am to scared to really choose because my mom will pour on the guilt. I think I am going to make a rules list or something, so they each know exactly what is wrong as far as the treatment of my animals and things of that nature... Oh well, besides that, I feel good. I need to fall asleep earlier and get tired sooner... not sure how to do it, but tonight I will try.
Peace
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