AA past!

This should be interesting, what follows is my AOL journal... regarding Alcoholism, paxil, and all sorts of crazy stuff.


Monday, April 3, 2006

3:06:21 PM EDT Feeling Loopy
woooo fucking vertigo...
So, let's talk a little bit about my experiance this weekend in sobriety. On Thursday, I went to the home group meeting, went out to dinner for a little bit and then came home! Great! Now, on the Wednesday prior, I took my last 10 mgs of Paxil... today is Monday, and I feel way virtago!! Very dizzy and fuzzy, almost like I want to just fall asleep... all the time. On Friday, I did not go to an AA meeting, although I said I was going to go, I did not. Played some Eve-online I think, and went to bed. On Saturday, I got up, did my Tang-Soo-do, went to lunch, went to see Ice Age 2 and then went home. I rode the motorcycle around, and went to the 7:00 saturday night speakers meeting, then I went to star bucks and hung out for a few hours, experiance a shit-load of vertigo and an uneazy stomach from all the coffee. Thinking I was going to go home to sleep, and having a bit of an inkling to ride the bike over to the beach, I go home and call Greg ... further informed me of everyone meeting up in St. Pete and going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show thingy, very cool. After speeding over there in a nervous frenzy, I arrive and proceed to hang out and have a blast. Low and behold, tonight is the night that we spring forward! Sooo, I get home at freaking 4:30ish in the morning.
Sleep till 11:00am the next day. (don't want to sleep too late or ya wont fall a sleep tomorrow!) Well, I wanted to go to a meeting in the afternoon on Sunday, but the house meeting was over in St. Pete somewheres... and I felt really aweful. Loopy to the nth degree... way vertigo and way tired. I go home around 7ish. I proceed to watch TV, and attempt to read a little. My mind races, my thoughts go to stinky thinking, then I get hysterical and start crying while watching Greg's Anatomy. Now that I cried I find a bit of relief, and decide to hit the sack around 10:15. My mind is still vertigoy, and I actually ponder if I may throw up. Realllly weird. That night I have even weirder dreams. I wake to myself thinking I relapsed. But luckily I had not. I am still comitted to this thing called recovery. Tonight, I need a meeting very badly. I may even run to the meeting to de-stressify. I read an article in men's health that made me consider running as an other option... I feel like shit today, almost like a zombie. I may try some of that nauzia medication i read about... perhaps this afternoon. Am at work right now, everything is good. Been a slightly busy day, shit, forgot to mention my flat tire. I need new tires... will look into that.

Peace

Friday, March 31, 2006
10:55:21 AM EST Feeling Loopy Hearing Nadda

Just morning, minding my own mind, which is not a good thing!
Sooo today I feel ok. I decided to not take my paxil again! I have it in my mind that if I take it, it will "cure" the withdrawal symptoms for that day, but then I believe I will experiance the withdrawal symptoms again the next time i don't take it. So, today, I will not take the paxil. I will lay off the caffeine as well... because I believe that really fucks with my head. So far, so good. I don't feel to bad. A little light headed, but it is morning yet. We will see what happens in the afternoon. I will keep you up to date. One thing I have going through my head is how much I love eating lunch by my lonesome. My boss wants to eat lunch with me today, which is cool, cause he will pay for it... and the conversation is excellent. Plus, let's not forget how important networking is for my future!! I am an idiot! Or wait, maybe I am not an idiot! Just a loner. Hey, so, Cindy is coming down next weekend. My sponsor wanted me to go do the jail thing for AA, but I told him Saturday was the only day i get to see aunty cindy. We got two kayaks reserved at Weeki Wachi for that morning, and that would be really fun! Sooo, I feel semi good about that decision... besides.. I will have like 2 weeks of sobriety, which is by no means that much for going into prisons and taking meetings in there. One thing I just thought of, shit, I haven't told Cindy about my relapse and time in the program. Oh well.
Last night I had dinner with the YPG folks, err... sorta, I kinda left early because I felt so "weird" do to paxil withdrawal, and I couldn't breath out of my freaking nose! Sinus bull shit I imagine. Tonight, I think I am going to call Jesse, and figure out where this St. Pete young peoples meeting is! I really enjoy the meetings and stuff, and hope and prey i can stay sober. Today is officially a week for me.

Thursday, March 30, 2006
4:25:16 PM EST Feeling Anxious Hearing nadda

Paxil Withdrawal

I wanted to add to today's journal regarding my paxil withdrawal symptoms. Now, quitting alcohol and paxil seems like it would be a hard thing to do, but funny thing is that because of my sever with drawal symptoms i experiance while coming off of paxil, i have no time to even think about alcohol!! Reallly weird stuff to. It's like, in the morning I am fine, for the most part tired, probably from lack of sleep do to being a bit over active in AA... which is fine because it is important for my sobriety. Now, let's talk about what exactly I am experiancing at the moment. Dry mouth, dizzyness, nervousness, and I may even be coming down with something. Really though, it's the whole vertigo feeling. While at Tang Soo Do on Tuesday, I felt like I was going to pass out, now that was probably from the Sever Vertigo I was feeling at the time, and of course the increase of my anxiety which is directly related to the Vertigo. See what I mean? Vertigo equals anxiety = more freaking vertigo and more freaking anxiety... I actually saw little stars at Tang Soo Do, floating in front of me. I immediatly sat my butt down. Well. That is all for now, I should probably go find some chocolat or something!!


3:04:12 PM EST Feeling Loopy Hearing Oldies... all the time at work
Working or hardly workin, one of the two
Day 9 - 3 = 6 or 9 days minus about 24 hours of debutary and shakes.... lol. I can smile as I look back, now that I have about 6 days since my last little excursion into the wilderness of a drunken haze and the ensuing shame and guilt felt the next day. I am at work typing this into my corporate email browser, as too not raise suspicion from any wondering eyes. So, how do I feel? Perty good. I have been forcing my self to got to more meetings and also forcing my self to hang out and talk to people sociably. Tonight, is Thursday's 7:30 meeting which I love. I will go home, pick up the old motobike, and then fire it up and head on over to, no doubt, inflate my much needed self confidence. Or... am I doing that to look cool? Probably both... it's quite appearent that I have low self esteem, and huge ego... so why not ride the bike? If not for either of the above, why not do it for the ladies? Lord knows the ladies like the bike, and if i get there early, i can park it in front of the entrance!! YEA! My brother keeps sending me IMs while I type this, so I am losing my train of thought. I am hopeful that the obsession to drink has been lifted. Although, I am all too aware of the perils of think about the length of sobriety and how long i have and how long i want to have. It needs to be a daily thing. I need to prey like a motha, and get humble all the time. Mostly, in my car!! My brain goes nuts when I am driving, I think that, and at home are the worst places. The last two obsessions hit me at home... one maybe in my car after work on a Friday.... that one sucked. But really, I need to just not pickup, and prey, and call peoplee and stay active. I know I can do it. Shit, I WILL DO IT!!!
Peace


Tuesday, March 28, 2006
10:50:45 PM EST Feeling Loopy Hearing NAda
Sobriety
Wow, just finished watching the last episode of season two for BATTLE STAR GALACTICA!!! WOWWEE! I really want sobriety now!! I feel anxious also, do to the paxil withdrawal symptoms I am also experiancing. I decided to get off the paxil, because I think it may contribute to my obsession to drink. Maybe I am wrong, but what the hay. May as well play it safe. I felt loopy yesterday and today, hopefully those feelings will subside in the coming days, as I can not do my Tang Soo Do!!
I am buying a house in a few weeks. I am a little nervous about that, do to the substantial increase in my housing expense! 800 bucks! Oh well, I think I am going to ask Paul from AA, to room with me.. If not hime, someone else in sobriety will do, because they will help to remind me daily, of my disease. Although I still experiance the obsession, and emotions that come with it, I pray to God, that I can come through this thing alive and sober. Hopefully I will keep this journal up to date and keep you up to date with it.
Thank you, and God bless.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
8:26:35 PM EST

pissed off

So,
I made the mistake of not reviewing a contract, gave it to "X" to review, they ok'd it, "Y" signed it, and now we are getting threatened by the ass hole with whom we signed with... I made an honest mistake and now the seller is acting as if "our company" is gonna get screwed. Well FUCK THAT YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE! If my boss gets canned because of you I will be fucking pissed! Although I probably won't do anything about it, I will send you a very stern letter and multiple letters every day this year until you repent for being an fucking scum bag.

FuCKERS!

Wednesday, February 8, 2006
7:02:50 PM EST Feeling Hopeful Hearing Millions of peaches, peaches for me
LOL
Wow! So lets talk about alcoholism! Aproximitaly 6 months ago, I decided to try out drinking again. Well, in short, it did not work. What follows is what happened:
Early August, my resentment for my ex- Kim, drove me to drink. I did not like her telling me how to stay sober, so I drank. I have lied to my peers and even myself. A few months went by, and increasingly I became unhappy at my job. This would have happened even if I was sober!! My boss was an ass, so I quit. Now I choose to stay away from him and for good reason, he is psycho! During my unemployment days, I drank every day, learned to smoke pot, and even tried some coke as well.
Read below, an alchy? Fuck yes and alchy. I was drinking a smoking, driving and fucking... not very responsible on my part. But any how, things got better. I got a better job, slowed down on the drinking. And still realized I was an alchoholic because it effected a few work days each week.
Now. I am quitting drinking, and paxil. All in one fell swoop. February 5th is my sobriety date. As far as pot goes... that can stay for now, but not for at least a few days on my new paxil dose. This journal will hopefully keep you up to date on my paxil withdrawal symptoms, so far, day one has been good. A little bit of squirrily feelings, but nothing I can't handle. This first week should be the biggest test of my current life. No alcohol, pot, nyquil, well maybe a shot of nyquil to sleep, and less paxil!!! Also, I want to get a tattoo reflecting my deep disconnect with my spirit.
Gonna play some eve!

Monday, August 15, 2005
3:08:50 PM EDT Well today is August 15th

Monday, August 1, 2005
8:15:18 PM EDT Feeling Happy Hearing nadda
Not drinking
Howdy there.
So it is around 8:00pm and I am not drinking. So what does this say about me? Clearly I drink too much when I do drink. But if I am able to willingly not drink, then am I not an alcoholic? I really think I may be on to something. Limited drinking at the most twice a month. That's once every two weeks... and on special occassions with people. Well, I don't think I will be drinking for quite some time. I think I need to go to a couple meetings and see where that takes me... I really am questioning whether or not I am alcohol dependant. Well now I need to go play some sim city.



9:30:27 AM EDT Feeling Quiet Hearing nadda
Morning
Howdy there,
So, I am definetly an alci.... why? Well, I totally got on my motorcycle, drunk, bought some more whiskey, drank half of that bottle, and then I "went out".... which was quite interesting. I awoke in the morning partially drunk, I still feel a bit tipsy, and totally dragged my ass to the office.
Now, am I an alcoholic? I don't know, I just want to sleep, and never drink again... What if I drink in a month when I visit my rents? I don't know, for now, I need to sleep and get over the alci in my blood.

Diet and Whiskey
This should be interesting. I have decided to test the AA theory. If you question whether or not you are powerless over alcohol, then go ahead and drink. I must remember not to feel too bad about this in the morning. I am going to drink tonight, just because I want to get drunk... I am not going to make this a habbit. I am thinking once a month a good drink is in order. I will surely keep this journal as a record of my feelings and my moods.
As you can see, earlier today and building to today I have felt in control, yet also just bored.... I think a bit of drinkin will make me feel like shit initially but better in the long run...
chears!

Sunday, July 31, 20051:27:00 PM EDT Feeling Worried Hearing Country!
92 Days of Sobriety
I invited my ex-girlfriend to come down and visit me this weekend. Her name is Kim and she use to be cute. Any how, I really thought we had something going on back in the day, but the second she got here, I immediatly started to regret inviting her down. If you check out the attached picture you will most definetly see what I mean.
How could anybody with any sense do that to their hair? It's not the hair that bugs me, or the makeup, it's the fact that she thinks she looks good like this... totally not cool. I mean, she was pretty without all this shit on her face, and then she piles it on and makes herself look like crap... and then she get's all "I am beautiful" and all this shit. I know your beautiful, but take off the god damn makeup and please for the love of god, get rid of that aweful hair color! So any ways, that hair turned me off from the get go... it just grossed me out, and if I am shallow then so be it. I would rather be shallow than lie.
So, I have 90 + days of not drinking. I feel weird today, and also I feel that I have been rationalizing the thought of going and buying a small bottle of whiskey. I don't know what to do. I really want to just get drunk for an evening, or as those in AA say, do some controled drinking. I guess I would have failed in my endeavors if I do pick up again... not sure what would happen. I feel as though all these AA folks are just complete incompetant fools. I feel like I could drink tonight, go to a meeting tomorrow and each day next week, and not pickup until I want to... say another month or two from now.
Does this make me an alci? The urge to drink? I know what it feels like to be drunk, and I like that feeling. I really do... is that so bad? What if I drink tonight and not again? I would probably feel so crappy about it tomorrow that I would swear to never do it again, and then I would totally be at the meetings again.... although I feel like my problem was not alcohol, it was to me, anti-social behavior that always lead to drinking. Hmmmmm.... well, I am not sure if I will pickup a drink, but if I do I will let you know. It's not like I ever drank more than a pint....

Monday, July 25, 20054:48:00 PM EDT Feeling Happy Hearing None
Working
I am coming up on my 90 days of sobriety!!! Now, what have I accomplished? Well, besides not drinking shit, I don't know. I feel ok, and life is pretty much up and down... more depressing than not... I am working on my 4th step, and I am supposed to work on my 5th step with my sponsor soon... everyone says this step is very enlightening, but I frankly think it's all hogwash, and for the feeble minded. Why do I feel so negatively about this? Not sure, lately I have been having trouble waking up... maybe I am drinking too much tea... lost interest in most everything, except for reading occasionally.. I have been working out... is life so pointless?
Any how, I am having a great day! I really am! Lol, gotta go.

Friday, July 8, 20051:30:00 PM EDT Feeling Loopy Hearing Good point
Blah blah
Today is the 8th of July or right around 70 days of sobriety for me! So seventy freaking days eh? Wow, not much to report... I am feeling a bit blahhhh.... papers are piling up on my desk and I badly need to attend to them. Also, Bob has put the pressure on me to find another piece of land... hard to do in a market like todays.... oh well just wanted to give yall an update.