Day 137
My lord, where does the time go? One of these days I need to stop counting the days.... although I am scared to do so. Is that an OCD thing? Oh well, not a big deal.
Today is a good day at work. I still don't like my job and want to do something different. Big surprise there. I am here, and doing the best that I can with what God gave me. Oh yea! I woke up at freaking 6:00 am this morning and went to Panera for some coffee and the paper. That was nice, but not as uber cool as I had imagined in my dreams... you know, waking up early and going for coffee... it has always been something I dreamed about.... since in the past, getting up early was such a positive experience.
On my way in, I thought about how I felt, and heard things in my head like "the early bird gets the worm" and "Wow, I am not going to be 'waking up' at the office this morning". Well, it has had some effect... although I don't know what. I have accomplished things today, more than usual, but I don't "feel" all that different. Anywhoooo, point is that waking up early is good, it means going to bed earlier... hopefully. Atleast, that is my dream. Although, I have my doubts, as I have gone to bed late ever since like 16 years ago... even minus the alcohol.
Well, now that I am rambling about stuff, it is clear that today is indeed a good day. Did I mention I am looking for a job? That would be nice, a new job that I enjoy, and one that is meaningful. I am willing to take a cut in salary... I am certified to teach math grades 6-12... although I am scared of trying that, as I don't know how well I'd do on that platform in front of a class. Probably fairly well, but still terrified of the prospect. Hence, why I am still here looking for other jobs first. Wow, now I am really rambling. I didn't mean to make this a journal entry, although isn't that what this is all about?? Speaking of, I bought a journal, and have been writing in it at night. I find it fairly relaxing , although I should learn to turn off The Daily Show, before I write in it.
Today I am content, and grateful....
Peace...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Day 135
Today is day number 135. Yesterday evening I made the mistake of skipping my usual Monday meeting. It was one of those "Geeze I'm tired and I just wanna watch 24, kinda evenings." Well, half way through 24 I realized how bad I felt for missing the meeting, and also realized how I was being a bit of a negative self-beatin-up ass. I think I need to stay away from my home and purposely seek out other people in recovery right after work and in to the evening. If not that, stay busy, work out, do something, anything except sitting around my house from 5 - 9 at night. That just sucks, and will lead me to only one place... depression and isolation.
I also think that I need to learn to be happy with my self. Alot of times I will catch myself saying "you can't do that" or "you aren't capable" or just plain negative thoughts. That needs to stop. Perhaps some positive affirmations and stuff like that would help? I don't know. I have a painting I am working on that should help when I hang it on the wall... very "Enjoy the light of the day" oriented.
Well, regardless, today is a good day.
I also think that I need to learn to be happy with my self. Alot of times I will catch myself saying "you can't do that" or "you aren't capable" or just plain negative thoughts. That needs to stop. Perhaps some positive affirmations and stuff like that would help? I don't know. I have a painting I am working on that should help when I hang it on the wall... very "Enjoy the light of the day" oriented.
Well, regardless, today is a good day.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Day number 134
As more and more time goes by, it seems I am definetly seeing some of those traits which kept me drinking for so long. I believe somewhere around my early college years, I started to depend on drinking to escape from all of those inner workings. Specifically, loneliness was a big one. I started isolating and actually learned to enjoy isolating by drinking. Well, that went on for a while, and after college I hung out with even less people... I thought it was because that was what happens after college, you work and it is harder to make friends.
Well, I realize now I just wasn't making an effort to have any meaningful relationships in my life. Even today, I want to isolate, because old habits die hard. 7 years of drinking and striving to be alone is tuff to change. My friend Matt invited me to hang out with him Sunday, I did, and it was fun. I have all of these people I know, yet never really attempt to go hang out with them, unless it is dinner or starbucks after a meeting. That needs to change.
I remember in High School, I was lonely and afraid, in my Softmore Year. I felt like I had no friends, and was tired of hanging around at my house. My only real life was Ice Hockey practice and games. I made a decision that night to jump in my car and go see what was out there. Funny thing, I went to the ice rink. Safe bet I thought, and there I met that night the two guys who would later become my best friends in high school. We were inseperateble all through school. We had a huge group of friends and I remember actually looking forward to hanging out with them, and not drinking. I remember longing to just be around people, and doing things for fun. I hope to get back to that point, where I no longer obsess about isolating.
I think I made a mistake to go to Alabama for school, leaving my friends behind, and beginning my isolation... although, I have been told that I probably was already an alcoholic before hand, and that I should not have any regrets. Let it go, live in the moment, and move on. My friends did, why can't I?
I am working the fourth step this week, my sponsor says we should see some defects or something or other and soon take care of alot of these feelings, thoughts, and defects which are hampering my happiness. I am happy today. Why do I have "the grass is greener" syndrom? I am always thinking about old friends from High School, my home town, my relatives in Baltimore, my Dad in California, all of these places and things I think may be better than the one I am in right now.
I know Tampa is a great place, I have lots of friends, a job, a home, and people who love me. Anyhow, the point is, lately I have been thinking to much, and not living in the now. Today is better, I am in a good place. By talking with my sponsor, and my friends, I continue to find peace and hope. That's really all I want, serenity and peace of mind.
Well, that's all she wrote!
Enjoy the light of the day!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My family
My cats
My home
My car
This earth we walk on
Fire
Ice
The sunshine
Ebay
My friends
My friends
And the opportunity to make meaningful relationships!
Well, I realize now I just wasn't making an effort to have any meaningful relationships in my life. Even today, I want to isolate, because old habits die hard. 7 years of drinking and striving to be alone is tuff to change. My friend Matt invited me to hang out with him Sunday, I did, and it was fun. I have all of these people I know, yet never really attempt to go hang out with them, unless it is dinner or starbucks after a meeting. That needs to change.
I remember in High School, I was lonely and afraid, in my Softmore Year. I felt like I had no friends, and was tired of hanging around at my house. My only real life was Ice Hockey practice and games. I made a decision that night to jump in my car and go see what was out there. Funny thing, I went to the ice rink. Safe bet I thought, and there I met that night the two guys who would later become my best friends in high school. We were inseperateble all through school. We had a huge group of friends and I remember actually looking forward to hanging out with them, and not drinking. I remember longing to just be around people, and doing things for fun. I hope to get back to that point, where I no longer obsess about isolating.
I think I made a mistake to go to Alabama for school, leaving my friends behind, and beginning my isolation... although, I have been told that I probably was already an alcoholic before hand, and that I should not have any regrets. Let it go, live in the moment, and move on. My friends did, why can't I?
I am working the fourth step this week, my sponsor says we should see some defects or something or other and soon take care of alot of these feelings, thoughts, and defects which are hampering my happiness. I am happy today. Why do I have "the grass is greener" syndrom? I am always thinking about old friends from High School, my home town, my relatives in Baltimore, my Dad in California, all of these places and things I think may be better than the one I am in right now.
I know Tampa is a great place, I have lots of friends, a job, a home, and people who love me. Anyhow, the point is, lately I have been thinking to much, and not living in the now. Today is better, I am in a good place. By talking with my sponsor, and my friends, I continue to find peace and hope. That's really all I want, serenity and peace of mind.
Well, that's all she wrote!
Enjoy the light of the day!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My family
My cats
My home
My car
This earth we walk on
Fire
Ice
The sunshine
Ebay
My friends
My friends
And the opportunity to make meaningful relationships!
Friday, January 12, 2007
Day 131!
Day 131!
I don't believe I have any great insites or any great quotes to reveal to you all. I had a wonderful day yesterday, and a pretty darn good day today. My mind is at ease. That is funny too, because at 4:00, my boss and I have a meeting with the Regional President, and usually that sort of thing terrifies me, exspecially when we no she is going to be sorely dissapointed in some of the news we may bring.
Today, I am in this weird state of happiness where my thoughts are happy even though there is some sense of foreboding in that future meeting. Kind of like I know it could suck but really isn't that big of a deal. Ya know??
However, I must admit I was in a shitty mood most of the week. Generally because I get in my head, and think about the future, the past and the inbetween. It is sooo hard folks, I have been a pretty negative, pessimistic person since highschool. I am not sure how to reverse that. Turn it all over to my HP? I mean, maybe I am not praying as much as I should. Maybe I need to think more on that plane of existance with my HP more often.
Well, regardless, today is a good day, and even if it was a crappy day, I am grateful to be alive today, and sober.
I feel like I am getting a little more connected in with friends and such, which is new to me. I have been invited to hang out this weekend with a fellow AA, so that is kind of cool. My fearful self tells me not to reach out, but I do anyhow, and because of that, things will and do get better. I look forward to a fun filled weekend of hanging out with friends and doing service work.
Today I am grateful for:
My family
My job
My life
My kittie cats
My friends
My stuff
My health
Being sober
Not drinking for 131 days!
Cool!
Being Sober!
Still breaking my personal sobriety records!
Ok, ok, I need to get excited about every now and then or I will forget.
I am grateful...
I don't believe I have any great insites or any great quotes to reveal to you all. I had a wonderful day yesterday, and a pretty darn good day today. My mind is at ease. That is funny too, because at 4:00, my boss and I have a meeting with the Regional President, and usually that sort of thing terrifies me, exspecially when we no she is going to be sorely dissapointed in some of the news we may bring.
Today, I am in this weird state of happiness where my thoughts are happy even though there is some sense of foreboding in that future meeting. Kind of like I know it could suck but really isn't that big of a deal. Ya know??
However, I must admit I was in a shitty mood most of the week. Generally because I get in my head, and think about the future, the past and the inbetween. It is sooo hard folks, I have been a pretty negative, pessimistic person since highschool. I am not sure how to reverse that. Turn it all over to my HP? I mean, maybe I am not praying as much as I should. Maybe I need to think more on that plane of existance with my HP more often.
Well, regardless, today is a good day, and even if it was a crappy day, I am grateful to be alive today, and sober.
I feel like I am getting a little more connected in with friends and such, which is new to me. I have been invited to hang out this weekend with a fellow AA, so that is kind of cool. My fearful self tells me not to reach out, but I do anyhow, and because of that, things will and do get better. I look forward to a fun filled weekend of hanging out with friends and doing service work.
Today I am grateful for:
My family
My job
My life
My kittie cats
My friends
My stuff
My health
Being sober
Not drinking for 131 days!
Cool!
Being Sober!
Still breaking my personal sobriety records!
Ok, ok, I need to get excited about every now and then or I will forget.
I am grateful...
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Found a qoute!
Fear is the root of a whole lot of the depression I occassionally feel, I fear for work, I fear where I may go or what I may do with my career, I fear what my bosses think of me, I fear for what my friends think, I fear I am destined to be single the rest of my life... all irrational fears that plague my daily routine when I am not living in the spirit of the program.
Generally, today I felt pretty good, except tonight I was internalizing as I sent out the old resume for computer programming type work and other related jobs. Hence, fear raised it's ugly head, just before bed time, and I don't like that! So I shall pray about it and try to live in the moment.
I never thought I would find an AA related qoute in a famous Sci-fi book. From Frank Herbert's "Dune" written in 1965, on the bottom of page 225:
"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Isn't that so damn cool!
I feel better already.
Enjoy the light of the day...
Generally, today I felt pretty good, except tonight I was internalizing as I sent out the old resume for computer programming type work and other related jobs. Hence, fear raised it's ugly head, just before bed time, and I don't like that! So I shall pray about it and try to live in the moment.
I never thought I would find an AA related qoute in a famous Sci-fi book. From Frank Herbert's "Dune" written in 1965, on the bottom of page 225:
"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Isn't that so damn cool!
I feel better already.
Enjoy the light of the day...
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Day 121... Friends in Denial
I had a friend recently ask me to tell them about why I was going to AA and why I thought I was an alcoholic. They initially told me that they had given up drinking and wanted to quit, unsure if they "really" had a problem. Unfortunately, I think that this person probably was a bit turned off by what I had to say.... which was the truth, that if they thought they had a problem, as they described it to me, that they most likely were an alcoholic. However, I emphasized that only they could determine if they really were an alcoholic. I think this person was wanting me to come out and decide for them that they had a problem... but I didn't say so. I just told them my story and related it to their drinking... I found it very hard to say things in such a way that they wouldn't scoff. So I think they scoffed, and that was that. I wanted to tell them how their drinking was worst than mine, and that they in fact were not special, and were among millions of people who have a problem... but I only thought it and did not voice my opinion, leaving them to find their own way.
Seeing someone in such a clear state of denial is very interesting to me, yet sooooo frustrating. I mean, admitting that you are an alcoholic, for me, was almost kind of liberating and I almost felt like I finally figured out at least in one instance, where I belonged in the world.
I play many different roles, work in different jobs, play different sports, and hang out with different people... all roles of which I am not sure if I belong, but I finally discovered one group of people I could totally relate to and feel that I belong: Alcoholics seeking sobriety. Simple isn't it? Not too scary is it? In some aspects in my life, like work, I sometimes wonder what my destiny is and where I am headed, terrified that I may be making or will make the wrong decision. But at least I know I have one thing right. That each day I wake up sober, and clearly understand that I am an alcoholic.
That is so cool!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
My friends
My kitty cats
My material possessions
My health
My sexy body
Did I just say that?
Seeing someone in such a clear state of denial is very interesting to me, yet sooooo frustrating. I mean, admitting that you are an alcoholic, for me, was almost kind of liberating and I almost felt like I finally figured out at least in one instance, where I belonged in the world.
I play many different roles, work in different jobs, play different sports, and hang out with different people... all roles of which I am not sure if I belong, but I finally discovered one group of people I could totally relate to and feel that I belong: Alcoholics seeking sobriety. Simple isn't it? Not too scary is it? In some aspects in my life, like work, I sometimes wonder what my destiny is and where I am headed, terrified that I may be making or will make the wrong decision. But at least I know I have one thing right. That each day I wake up sober, and clearly understand that I am an alcoholic.
That is so cool!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
My friends
My kitty cats
My material possessions
My health
My sexy body
Did I just say that?
Monday, January 1, 2007
Day 120 ;) Happy New Year!
Day 120! Wow!
Today, it is a rainy, dreary day. Yesterday I felt irritable, restless and discontent. I imagine it could have something to do with it being new years and all of the fun I perceived "normal" people to be having... drinking and all. I maybe even entertained the thought for a moment, and then realized how insane my thinking was.
I said out loud... "I am irritable, restless, and discontent!" I almost had to laugh that I realized that I was in a bad mood! In the past, those feelings would probably have led me to the liquor store. Last night it led me safely back to the comfort of my bed... where I went to sleep to start a new day, today, sober, one more day at a time. Life is so simple, I hate it when my own brain get's in the way.
Any how, that's all I've got.
Today, it is a rainy, dreary day. Yesterday I felt irritable, restless and discontent. I imagine it could have something to do with it being new years and all of the fun I perceived "normal" people to be having... drinking and all. I maybe even entertained the thought for a moment, and then realized how insane my thinking was.
I said out loud... "I am irritable, restless, and discontent!" I almost had to laugh that I realized that I was in a bad mood! In the past, those feelings would probably have led me to the liquor store. Last night it led me safely back to the comfort of my bed... where I went to sleep to start a new day, today, sober, one more day at a time. Life is so simple, I hate it when my own brain get's in the way.
Any how, that's all I've got.
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