Wtf brain

 Funny how the brain works. I mean, a week ago I was worried about one thing.And now I can't get the other thing out of my head.  One week i'm obsessing about one person who I think is obviously thinking about me when clearly they are not nor do they care.  And then the next week I have all brand new person.That's ruined my day.  And yet is most likely not thinking about me again.

It's insanity really.  In these cases, I need to think of absurdism... like seriously none of this matters.  I will die one day and this lady wont be on my mind... and how fucking sad if she were!

On missing home

I do miss home I think... this cruise is about 6 days too long for us.  

The kids are ready... 

Im ready...

Lets go home.

I think we did good though... kids had a good experience overall overcoming noro virus, learning to be in room by themselves, being more independent, just travel is good for them too.

So not all is lost... 

 What is it with the brain, I don't know... feeling weird.  Kids are good,vacation going slightly better, still cooped up, kinda angry about this damn cruise, we won't do this again.  2 days at port for 4 at sea and 2 travel days, like WTAF bruh were you even thinking?

Yea ok, end rant.

Hopefully I can get some motivation back to train when I get home.

cant shake that feeling

Still on a cruise... cant shake the feeling.  Shoe is gonna drop. 

Stupid.

Kids are way more active today.  Im thinking the noro virus was really the problem last few days.  It really ruined things for us half the cruise!  

Also couldn't port today due to wind... but maybe that was a blessing in disguise as kids are on the pool deck finally having fun.

Maybe I think it is work politics that has me down which is interesting.

Feel out of control not being home I think.

How to dispense with that?

Need to practice relaxing 😌 

One year later

 I am happy to report life is good.

Today we are on a cruise and I cant get that feeling of worry out of my head.  I really cant pinpoint the reason... is it because 3 of us have noro virus and are cooped on a ship in the middle of the gulf of Mexico?

Perhaps.

Is it because im just worried im doing it all wrong?  

Probably.

Am I worried about work stuff even though that is all out of my control and really have nothing to worry about?

Yeup.

Am I just a worry wort?

Yeup.

I have three beautiful children... a great wife.. a great job... I have it all. Really... I even have an interesting hobby people love to talk to me about.  So what the heck?  Yea just not great on ships when everyone is sick and the kids are tough to please...

Feels good to write this down.  I really wish I brought my journal but this will do just fine.

I wish I could learn how to let go of things easier... none of the worries really matter. I pretty much won at life and here im what... its not unhappiness... its more of a dread feeling.  Like waiting for the damn shoe to drop.  The one that hangs above my head constantly which im not 100 percent sure wasn't because my mom and dad had the emotional intelligence of tweens.

Well those be my thoughts for the day.

Peace

Baby almost here!

 So a month has gone by, feeling better, about a week or two ago, I restarted my lexapro.  The truth of the matter, I am an anxious person and worry a lot, modern life and me just don't get along, so for the near future I will be on my SSRI.  I have already started feeling better.  Maybe it is placebo, but basically my brain worries less when on the meds, and worry was/is killing me.  I want to be happy for my kids and family's and my sake.

Construction on the back deck starts this week, so that is exciting, FINALLY!  Relief from the damn rain and the leak.

Also, need to finish taxes.

Mom is coming today, omg not looking forward to that, she comes and makes it all about herself.  Selfish.  

My sister is milking my mom to the tune of 5k per month, I try not to think about that, no comfort to be had there.

Wife is giving birth next week - wow things are going to change around our house!  I think she will enjoy the 6 weeks off though... and a baby is cute to snuggle.

Work is interesting, interesting I've done this now for almost 7 years... is this what my life is?  Yes it is, I talk to people each day, read books, play video games, go home work out, hang with kids, go to sleep rinse repeat.  Life is interesting, monotonous, but my life is better than my parents and grandparents could ever be.

I dream of retirement. But now feeling better about it and no longer depressed, progress not perfection.

 Had a pretty good weekend considering.

I keep wondering about happiness and everything going on in my life, what makes me feel negative or have bad feelings.  It is weird ya know, I think a lot of parental guilt... just thinking of the kids and beating myself up thinking I am not doing this parenting thing perfectly... when rationally that is insane, I really do tons for the kids and with the kids, my wife even tells me so, so I know compared to other parents I am pretty dang involved.... but its weird.  If I see a picture of them, I miss them, I miss their younger selves... those memories...

Reading an interesting book, something about how to have courage to let people dislike you or something, very eastern philosphy sort of Adlerian. 

Any who, it's a slog.  I prefer the Art of Happiness to be honest, easier to digest.  But I will keep trying.

I'm in a weird spot, feel weird.  Not sure if its because I quit my lexapro... I think it is, but fuck that I'm not going back.  Let's see if this weirdness improves.  

Been sober for 18 years, so that is great.

Kids are doing amazeballs.

Wife is doing great.

3rd baby is coming in a month.

Work is pretty good.

Worse case scenarios are all manageable... Donald Trump is president (that sucks) like seriously wtf is this shit show of the Country thinking to elect that man again?  Who knows... I worry about the world, he could really ruin things for everyone on the planet!!

Ah, anyhow, back to reading the Art of Happiness!

So was thinking I should get back into journaling online, I like it because you can get more of your thoughts out on the PC instead of writing by hand, which I also do, but those journal entries are really short and not too insightful into my thinking at the time.

Lately I have been struggling with a depressed mood, which is really interesting as I have never identified that emotion as being a problem for me.

Sure, anxiety, panic, social anxiety, ocpd, those things I always knew about myself, but starting this last year, depression?!!    I kept telling my wife "I think I'm depressed", and of course she would say "you don't get depressed" or in her own way let me know it is odd for me to feel that way, which I agree, it is weird. 

I can't really pin why I feel this way.  We moved to a new neighborhood, we had problems with the neighbors where you get that nightmare neighbor who reports you to the HOA etc, I think we have the squashed, but they are still are neighbors and really the wife is a terrible person.  But hey, trying to come at it from Compassion as The Dalai Lama says in "The Art of Happiness" by Howard C. Cutler, MD.

What else, well, we are pregnant, I am calling that my mid life crisis baby.  We decided to do it last august, and she is due soon-ish.  

The kids are doing really good, but parental guilt is a thing and my wife tells me or reminds me that I really am a good father compared to most people my age.  

In the midst of this depressed mood, one other thing I did was I stopped my Lexapro, which I took for anxiety, so perhaps this depression is actually an SSRI discontinuation depression?  I was on it for over a decade!  I think I would like to stay off of it... I hope this is not due to the SSRI, but if it is, screw that!  

I have decided recently to stop with my running habit and work out in the gym, a bit more low key and more open schedule so I can help the kids out, play with them, go bike riding etc.

What else... I have a headache today, am at work, work has been ok, no complaints there really.  I do think now more about a future retirement. 

In an effort to combat this depressed mood, I am committing to reading tons of books on happiness, starting with the one mentioned above.  Gonna fill up a book case shelf of self help books this month and knock this mood thing out of the water.  To hell with depression.

COVID-19. 

I hear I'm supposed to write about my experience.  What to say honestly.  Videos and pictures should cover most of our experience.  We have plenty of that to go around, mostly of the kiddos.

The kids seem to be taking it well.

I have not yet lost my job.

Income is decreased now by about a quarter. 

Also, I got a new job working in the Crisis Stabilization Unit in a local hospital ER.

The kids are ok.  Both are out of school/daycare.

I fear for their social development.  I worry that somehow this is all going to go sideways and the kids will be social awkward or some such thing.

Work is ok.  Clinic life is killing me a little with all this Zoom bull shit. 

Not too happy about Zoom, I miss seeing people in person. 

Having to stand 6 feet from people and wear a mask is difficult.  People scowl at you if you get too close.  It's kind of funny.

South Beach

Well,

I have been accepted to the --- School of Medicine!  So since my last post, I have moved to the beach! My cats are adjusting, I think well enough. I'm a little worried about Kieksters, cause she was always looking out the window at the squirrels in Tampa. Now there are no squirrels for her to look at.

Otherwise, I suppose it will all go well.  Thinking of living in South Beach... Although I'd prefer going to Kings Beach in Tahoe!

J

You know, living out here in the midwest, I sometimes wonder what it might be like to travel to Lake Tahoe!

It has been on my bucket list a while now, and me thinks we may go out there for a ski trip, or even for summer vacation. 

I've been looking into airbnb as an option...

J

Finally, nice weather

It's Funny how nice weather can really turn Your attitude around. I Was in a bad mood last week, and now I'm super happy. Granted, it could just be that I am no longer working nights.  Regardless, i am looking Forward to doing some Serious yard work in the cooler weather.

On the other hand I am super excited to return to the land of the living and never in my life will I work nights again... good riddens!

Peace...

Pink Eye

Seriously, the day care thing is killing me.  Both my wife and I work and we have no family in the area, so we have to take our kid to day care. Well half the time he seems to catch something at the daycare and then they send him home.

So not only do we spend half our time at home, not working... we pay for the full month of the day care.

I don't like this arrangement one bit.

Plus they throw a fit when he is just mildly sick.  I struggle to not roll my eyes at them when I pick him up.  Yea ok, pink eye... oh whats that?  Its going around your entire daycare?  Good, congrats, you're the problem.  Let all the kids get it and be over it... seriously, not a big deal.

Ok, end rant.

On another note my kid is being super cute and smiling at the doggies... awe.  Makes it worth it I suppose.  Work sucks anyway no?

I'd love to work for myself and not "the man".

Peace...

You can't handle the truth

Wow, every time I see this movie I think to myself, hey you've already seen it... Boring.

Then I start watching it, and damn what a good movie!!

Can't get over it, just love the story and the acting.

Today I am grateful...

For stuff...

Damn dogs

I have no idea how, but my dog is an acrobat.

She can jump over a fence that is 5 feet tall.  I thought I made it high enough that she'd not be able to get over it.

So she climbed under it.

I then blocked the bottom so she couldn't get under it.

So she figured out how to climb the fence.

That's right.  She climbed the freaking fence, skillfully using a bush next to it as a foot stool.

I'm headed back to home depot.  Time to get more wood, and a saw to cut down that bush.

Today I am grateful...

For my dogs, for keeping me on my toes, and successfully getting me out of the house!




Peace...

Suicide is legal in California

Just found out today that suicide is now legal in California and a doctor may prescribe life ending drugs in patients who have less than 6 months to live, as long as they are essentially not insane.

Wow, slippery slope there.  Could you imagine being a doctor and doing that?  That would be so hard emotionally, I don't know if I could do it personally.

Where I was going with this though, I think suicide should be legal... and this is somewhat sarcastic, but imagine if suicide were legal.  All of the people that show up in the ER claiming they are suicidal when in fact they are not, would now have to change their story.

"I'm sorry sir, suicide is legal... what would you like me to do about that?  Admit you?  No can do, but I can help you with that suicide if you want!"

OMG we would have homeless crack heads running from the hospital instead of running to it.

Insensitive?

Maybe.

But come do my job for a day or two and you will see what I mean.

Peace...

Grass is Greener

Why do I always feel the grass is greener over there?

I mean, at this point in my life, could the grass not be any greener in the spot I am standing now?

I am an M.D. for God's sake.  I mean, how cool is that?  Who the hell wouldn't want to be a doctor?

I've got tons to be thankful for... which I won't list off, but I do, I know I do.

I think I've pretty much decided that I am a pessimist.  That's the problem.  I'm always looking at the down side of things instead of the up.  Always the worse stuff instead of the cool stuff.

I need to figure out how to change my outlook on life to being more positive.

Hmmm... I suppose I just need to keep on trucking.

There was a time in my life when I knew some seriously true happiness.  I was unemployed, out of school, out of work, and single.  Those were some seriously serene days.  Not that I wan't to be single or unemployed again!

Just saying.  It's all about perspective and stuff.

Trump on Syria

I was just thinking about this...

Wait, so the Russians are willing to get involved in the messy business of the middle east?

This is absolutely brilliant.

Let them.  That's right.  Pull out of the middle east completely.  Just do it.  Why are we even there?  To protect out Allies in Saudi Arabia?

Screw that I say.

We should protect Israel, that's it... it is literally the only democratic government in the region.  Ok, simple enough.  Plus Russia seems willing to play nice with the Israelis.

Furthermore... if we leave, the russians will then get the brunt of all the blame that the US has had in the last 20 years messing around in the middle east.

What, oil prices may rise?  Possible, but not a big deal.  If anything, that helps us as our crude costs a lot to extract.  Oil prices stay low?  Awesome, the Russians suffer as do all the middle eastern thugs.

The point is... there is no real good reason to be in the middle east.

It just seems stupid to waste our resources on this area.

Ugh.  Just disappointed with the world.  What a mess.

Syria and the Middle East

So the Russians enter Syria and start bombing the people the US is supporting.

So now we have russian airforce in the same airspace, bombing targets that the US is protecting while the US bombs targets the russians are essentially pledged to protect.

At first I thought maybe this was just muscle flexing on the russian's part, I mean they did release some videos that show their bombing campaign, which is interesting, because I'm so use to seeing our videos.

Now we see the other side, they are saying: hey we got bombs too, we are powerful too.

But then I thought, damn... this could get messy.

I wish I didn't live in a big city, with the state of the world as it is, I'd really love to move to Utah in the middle of a mountain valley in a small town... just doesn't feel safe watching the news.

Financial Markets and CNBC

I was just watching CNBC this morning and thought how silly the stock market seems.  If anything, it is a giant casino.  One large, sanctioned, legal, world-wide Indian Casino.

Do you have some money, well I have a high yield bond for you!  What's a high yield bond you say?  Oh don't worry your little head!  It pays 8% dear sir!  Well sign me up!  Don't mind that high yield bonds are essentially junk bonds and based on crap financials to begin with.

What really makes me smile is Kramer or Cramer, however you spell it... this guy is wrong all the time and is essentially a clown.  Everyone on CNBC is a clown.  Come on, I mean it is what it is, the stock market sucks.  I have stock, I own stock, I've been up and down.  I don't spend any time on it to be honest.  I don't have much money to spend on it.

It is all a joke.

I've been thinking about taking all my money out and investing it in my life, like say in my own personal business.  Problem with that is I don't have any grand ideas to spend it on, but I think my money may be safer with me and spent on my own free will and mind.

Perhaps my mind has been warped by shark tank, but there are people on there all the time like you and me, and they make money spending their own hard owned money and time on their ideas.

So what's your idea?

What's my idea?