Is today the day I completely surrender to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? I do not know... there is a part of me that wants to go home right this instant, dump out the remaining Vodka from last night, throw away the pizza (long story) and go to a meeting. Problem is, life don't work that way. You see, I have to work till about 5:00 today... so it's like, I don't feel like working, or doing anything right now, because I feel bad about the fact I drank last night. I am not even hung over. But the guilt persists... I know in my soul that I am a drunk. And I keep drinking!!! What the heck! I don't know what to do about it! Yet I do know what to do! I have the tools sitting right in front of me, yet I don't use them.
This is so frustrating. I do not want to look at my mom because I feel like she can see right through me... although the chances are she does not know I have been drinking. I need to stop this nonsense... I need to stay sober for my mom, for my sister, for my brother, but most importantly, for me damn it!! I should go home and throw that shit away the second I get a chance today... lunch time. Maybe I should get a freaking tatoo or something to remind me daily who I am. I need to immerse my self into this program asap.
God help me stop drinking... just for one day.
"God, help."
ReplyDeleteRemember those words. Say them often. What starts out as a prayer of desparation may just turn into a miracle in your life.
I'm still praying for you buddy.
Brad :-)
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