Day number 58 people!
Well, this morning started in typical Monday morning fashion... me negative and pissed cause my boss asked me to, god forbid, actually do something! Well, turns out that the whole day was extremely busy! That turned into a total blessing! It is now 5:00 pm, and I actually feel like I did something today! Well, I hope that feeling stays, and pray that tomorrow I will do equal amounts of good work. It actually feels good to be busy, you know?
Not much else to report, over the weekend I kinda sorta missed my Sunday meeting, so tonight, I am looking forward to my home group. I saw Laura on Friday night and again last night, I still don't know how I feel about her. She is kinda like that librarian type, very quite, reserved, and maybe even too reserved... which is different, and I am not sure if my ego is too big, if her reservedness turns me off, or if I am actually attracted to her... well, I know I am attracted to her physically, but mentally, I am having trouble connecting, it's almost like we are both quiet types, and not quite clicking. I don't want to write her off, because she is pretty, nice, reserved, smart... everything you look for, but sometimes my ego jumps in and I feel resentments... Hmmm... I am confused.... and rambling, well thats all for now.
Laters!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Day 55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GRAATEFUL!
Today be day number 55 I believe!
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Day number 53!
I am supposed to meet up with my sponsor to work the 2nd step today. Hopefully he won't cancel on me. I think I will ride my bike up there since I enjoyed myself oh so much on Monday doing the same. Today, I had 2 meetings at work that kinda sorta threw me off, and I have not gotten much done besides staring at the ol' computer.
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Nice weather and grAAteful! Day 52!
I just had a thought. I am going to skip my Tang So Do class tonight, and go to a meeting, and then I am going to go to Barnes and Nobles and study the big book! I have been resting on my laurels... time to take some action, even though I feel like a bizzillion million million dollars.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Day number 51!
My Lord, day number 51! That indeed is an accomplishment!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Day number 48
Howdy ladies and felllas,
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Thursday, October 19, 2006
On the God Box: Day 47
I just typed a long post, and it totally got erased. I was goin to say that these posts seem like some sort of God Box, where we type to let something go and give it over to God. I love that.
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)