Friends and things

Was reading a book and came across this qoute... I think it is good advice for folks like me with certain character defects:

"If you are miserly by nature, associate with the generous, and they will infect you, opening up everything that is tight and restricted in you. If you are gloomy, gravitate to the cheerful. If you are prone to isolation, force yourself to befriend the gregarious. Never associate with those who share your defects-- they will reinforce everything that holds you back. Only create associations with positive affinities. Make this a rule of life and you will benefit more than from all the therapy in the world."

Now on the "never associate with those who share your defects" part, I am not sure I agree with that statement entirely, but I do see how if I am say... angry all the time, and hang out with my best bud who is also angry all the time, and neither of us want to change, then that is a bad combo... So wait, maybe I do agree with the qoute.

Basically what I like about it and what I should remember, is that if I associate with more people who have positive attitudes and have traits I look up to, then maybe they will rub off on me!

Jonathan

New groups!

I am so grateful for this program!

Lately I found my self going to the same meetings every day... not once changing it up. My sponsor thinks I should be out there looking for new comers to help out and possibly sponsor, so he suggested I start going to some new comer meetings! (Most of the meetings I was going to do not have high volumes of new comers coming in)

At first I was in fear and stuborn, but then I realized that I wasn't stepping out of my comfort zone by going to the same ol' meetings every week. At that point, I suddenly became the one who wanted to seek out these new meetings! My sponsor pointed out a character defect, which I my self could not see... but with the help of others I now see it and very much want to take some action!

So yea, that's AA working in my life today!

Jonathan

The weekend

What an eventful weekend!

I am slowly getting use to this socializing thing... We had this drunk, totally plastered guy come up to starbucks and make a huge scene on Saturday evening. At first we were all amused, but he was being hostile and rude to people, and a fight almost broke out as he touched a few nervese.

I must admit that at one point I thought I was going to hit him myself... but my friend Mark seemed calm and collected... so I quickly toned it down a notch. Better to just let it go and get the store owner involved rather than do something rash.

On another note, I did quite a bit this weekend with different folks in the program, and boy, what a blessing that is!

Today I am grateful!

"You are looking at the face of the only one responsible for your happiness today."

Just wanted to say thank you to DG for the cool qoute:

"You are looking at the face of the only one responsible for your happiness today."

Very nice, made me smile. And as for the cold, I feel better today... I called my sponsor and shit all over him like a good pigeon and then flew away, leaving him with all my crap! Lol, that is funny... the pigeon thing, is that why my sponsor calls me his pigeon? Ah, I just figured that out! Ha!

Funny... learned something new!

Today I am grateful for:

Our Saturday Night Meeting!
Starbucks
Chris for hanging out
Matt for the same
and Heidi
and Carry
and John
and Maura
AA
And of course my sobriety
And my HP! He is the bomb dig-it-ty!


Jonathan

Second Cousin!

Interesting 12 step work yesterday...

My Aunt called me from Baltimore Maryland, and shared with me that my Second Cousin called his mom, (my Aunt's Cousin), and said that he couldn't stop doing the drugs and needed help!

He is 20 years old and in College right now.

So yea, this is the first time that someone else in my family, has come out with their disease and admitted they needed help! I was so happy, yet sad too, cause I didn't know he had a problem. But doesn't that sound familiar to some of us?!

So I called him up and encouraged him to go to some meetings, and shared with him what works for me. I also said that I'd love to hit a few meetings with him when I get up there in a few weeks for Christmas!

On another note, I am sick... not flu sick, more like cold sick. And that sucks, but I think I am almost through it. It has me down though, kinda depressed, cause I just feel sick, and that is no fun! So I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard, cause I just feel like sleeping all day.

That's what people told me I should do to get better, but it makes me feel lazy and worthless!! Just sharing how I feel... any how, I think I should probably call my sponsor and complain to him, I am sure he will put me in my place! ;)

Today I am grateful!

J

Enjoy these new experiences!

Thanks for that, Daave... That statement makes so much sense to me today.

I have been running around with family, doing what they generally want to do. It has not been my way or my plan most of the time. I am merely a servent in this case, taking my Dad around, or my cousin today.

I am happy to do so, at one point in my life, this would have been a major stress on me and my drinking ways! I would have been anxious the whole time, and drunk for sure in the evenings after the family stuff.

Today I am grateful!

Jonathan

Dad in town this week!

My Dad recently came into town this week and visited. He was here because my brother had a baby and he wanted to see her! We basically hung out all weekend.

For me this was a very rewarding experiance, as I got to enjoy everyone's company without drinking or drugging! It use to be that I was always anxious and annoyed that I had to socialize with the family... but today I can be thankful that I have a family and make the best of every time we can get together.

Any how, good times and I am happy to be home. My cousin is coming in on Wednesday, so I am going to have to rest up for him as well... since it looks like he will want to see the baby as well! So back up to my brothers on Wednesday!

Today I am grateful for:

My family
My home
My friends
My Country
Our veterans

Page 40 - A New Pair of Glasses

Found another qoute I think is relavent to my sobriety. (I hope I am not breaking any copyright laws by posting this stuff!!)

From Page 40 in "A New Pair of Glasses" by Chuck C.

"But how do I know whether it's my will or His will? And that's a good question, and I have the simplest answer in the world for that, for me: If it's important to me personally, it's my will. If it is important to me personally, it is an ego satisfaction. If I am praying alright it is not something for me. It's that I might be of some value to you."

You know, it seems often in my sobriety I find myself asking this question... how do I know if what I am doing is God's will or my own? Generally, if I even have to ask this question, I probably already know the answer, usually it's my will because I think when I ask this I am doing something or going in a direction and want to know if it is ok... if this is my purpose. But I ask God for selfish reasons... therefor asking him for direction is actually the selfish act!

Mostly, it has to do with work or school... asking "Hey God, is this what you want me to do, or should I try something else out, go a different direction?" That statement in itself is selfish, and self seeking. As I am asking God wether this is job is ok for ME or if this class is right for ME. I I I I what is best for ME? If the question isn't "hey, what can I do for others that you would have me do?" then I am just living in my own self will.

So yea, hope that makes ome sorta sense. The point is that I am trying more and more to get out of my own will, and do the next right thing. This means not asking for what is best for me, but what is best for others and what I can do to pack more good into the stream of life.

J

Working step 8

From Page 79 in the 12 and 12 (Step 8):

"Some of us, though, tripped over a very different snag. We clung to the claim that when drinking we never hurt anybody but ourselves. Our families didn't suffer, because we always paid the bills and seldom drank at home. Our busines asociates didn't suffer, because we were usually on the job. Our reputations hadn't suffered, because we were certain few knew of our drinking. Those who did would sometimes asure us that, after all, a lively bender was only a good man's fault. What real harm, therefore, had we done? No more, surely, than we could easily mend with a few casual apologies."

Earlier on in sobriety, I believed that I had hurt virtually nobody with my drinking... because I felt that I was a functioning alcoholic. I drank alone, and generally showed for work everyday. That is how I justified my reasoning, I was different than you all, I was a good responsible drunk!

Ha ha! How wrong I was! Even today I must watch out for this trap... thinking I didn't hurt too many people or act as bad or whatever... basically justifying a shorter list of persons I have harmed.

Today I am grateful for:

My kitty cats
My home
My AA friends
My family
Life
God
Sobriety

From "A new pair of glasses"

Page 25 from A New Pair of Glass by Chuck C.

"So I want us to have a lot of fun this weekend. Don't be too serious. You know, Rule 62. Some people put it on their license plates. Rule 62. It's a good rule. There's a litle green book, and on the front cover it says, "Rule 62". And you open it up, and every page in the book is naked, except the double-truck in the middle. And it says, "don't take yourself so goddamned seriously!" And that's what we want to do here this weekend; have a lot of fun, not get too serious, but realize the problem that we have that we cannot handle on our own. And to come to see totally before this weekend is over that what I can't do, we can do, with the Grace of God."

I love that one... especially the last few words.

I am off to a meeting, going to go get the "we" part.

Peace

Jonathan.

wholly molly

If you can believe it, I am typing this from my blackberry... Totally cool.

Today I am grateful for;

The beautiful weather
My family
My friends
AA
The meetings from this weekend
Sobriety
Being a sober alcoholic.
My cats
My home
My friends
The colts...

Today I am grateful for...

1) Tampa AA

2) My sponsor

3) Friends in AA

4) Florida weather

5) My family

6) My cats

7) Life... I am so alive!

8) Did I mention AA?

9) The opportunity to go back to school!

10) This gift of sobriety!

Step eight - Big Book

In the book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says on page 76 (in my 4th edition version):

"Now we need more action, without which we find that "Faith without works is dead". Lets look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We atempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."

This is the step I am on... and I must admit I am resting on my laurels. My sponsor wants me to make a list of all the people I have harmed in the past, yet I seem to notbe finding the time to do so in all of my unemployed glory.

I go to meetings, sometimes 2 a day, generally 5 - 7 a week. This has been the case from the very beginning, and am very happy going to meetings. For me, going to meetings, hanging out with AA people, having dinner with sober friends, and service work are all the corner stone of my sobriety.

Working the steps is and has been important to my sobriety, as it should be. I have been told that the real growth comes from working these steps, every day of our lives. I believe that, and try my very best to apply the steps to my real world problems. So when it comes to working them with my sponsor and getting through the initial 12 steps for the first time, I seem to get hung up on the big ones, steps 4 and 5, and steps 8 and 9.

Fear, sloth, self importance... I think these character defects are hampering my progress. So... I should probably work step 7 harder, as I go through these next few steps:

"I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulnes to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding."

So there we have it. I shall also pray for the willingness to be willing, and get off my butt and work these steps!

My sobriety depends on it.

Jonathan

1 Year and 2 Months!

Hey folks!

Yes, I am still sober!

So what is new with me? Nothing much... seems to be a common thing lately. So let's catch up... here is what's happening with me.. or happened anyways. I'd like to get back into blogging. So here goes my story since my last post:

I quit the job 3 months ago, and allowed my self to be pulled into another job, helping a friend with his lawn care service..Unfortunately, I agreed to help out this person for 40 hours a week for many weeks, with minimal pay. I say that, because it seems like I get the thought in my head that I am going to do something (go to school) and then I feel bad about letting someone down (my friend who relied on me for his lawn care service, and only asked me because he tends to be in fear about hiring people he doesn't know), and I end up not doing what I wanted to do because I get preoccupied doing the other thing.

KK, long paragraph and probably confusing... but the gist of it is that I missed the school sign up deadlines for this fall, and the lawn care thing started to taper off as the season turned to winter... so now I am back to unemployed, and no school.

Don't get me wrong. I am totally grateful for the lawn care experience, I had fun, it was a great workout, and I now have a huge respect for the type of work my friend does... hell I could even do my own lawn care business if I wanted to... maybe when I retire, today I have some dreams I'd like to try out first!

That dream, which still hasn't changed, was to go back to school! So, I signed up yesterday, and today I am going in to talk to a councilor about the classes and all that jazz. Funny thing, it seems I keep getting side tracked by people asking me to help them out in this business or that, my friend J. called this morning and wanted me to help him with his business... the answer for him is no, because this Alcoholic is done doing other people's will.

I think I am a bit codependent... it seems I want to please everyone, but forget about what it is I want....

And that brings me to another topic, how do I know when what I want is what god wants?

That is my question for you today, and any thoughts would be appreciated... I have the chance to go to school again, yet am scared to take the plunge and worried one day I will wake up and God will say "Wrong again!".

LOL!

Fun stuff.

Jonathan

Heya Folks!

Ok, so I quit the job.

I was sitting there at my desk and was reflecting on things, and just made the decision to get up and walk out. The boss was not there, so I sent him an email telling him thanks for the opportunity but it wasn't the right fit for me. And that's that.

I have looked at my finances and everything is kosher there, no worries or anything. My mom has offered to help me through the next few months or years even if need be, but I will strive, to the best of my ability, to pay my way.

I have talked to some friends who are in the social work field, and will be applying to various rehab centers to do some volunteer work or even a part time job, while also taking classes at a local university to help find my way.

I initially got into the real estate world due to my inate ability to do what others wanted me to do. I am striking out on my own now, and I am going to find something I feel is more in tune with my life and what I want out of my life. I don't think this is so much me taking control, but more like aligning my will to God's will.

I think my HP wants me to be of service to others at this time in my life. I think that I am happiest when I am helping others or doing service work, so my search begins there. I will initially focus on social work, and helping other addicts and alcoholics..in recovery... and from there, who knows. Life is to short to not take chances, so here I go!

I will let you all know how this new experiment goes. First step, sign up for courses and apply to a local Acohol and Drug rehab facility!

Jonathan

1.5 months to a year!

Almost there folks!!

Anyhow, straight to what's bugging me. I have this job, they work 11 hour days... mostly what I like to call face time. I go in at 8 in the morn and leave at 7 at night. I do not like that. I also have always pretty much resented the business we are in... real estate development.

So I have those two things I am grappling with. The resentment thing isn't too big a deal, I can get through that... but it amplifies in my mind when I am forced to sit in an office almost 12 hours a day. I don't like working crazy hours like that... I just don't think it is nessaccary. Another thing, from the get go, I was kinda luke warm on even taking this job to begin with.

I just fear that the hours are getting to me and I want to quit. Last Friday I nearly lost my cool after work... totally just spent, and very stressed. Not too serene. Any how, I feel like I keep taking these jobs I hate because I am in fear of financial security. I think I should quit and try to do something else... I know this sounds like I am giving up... but come on! The freaking hours alone make my hourly wage equal to my previous job, one I almost kinda like!

So work long hours in a job I already resent, or take the plung and try to do something new??? I am going to work tomorrow, and we shall see what happens. Fear is keeping me there at the moment, also I am trying to make this work, but I don't think I can take much more of working 24/7.

Wish me luck, I am just throwing out what's been on my mind. I have been talking with my sponsor and every other person I come across in the program. The answer seems to be leaning toward "go back to school".

My sobriety alone is at risk here, I feel like I am about to melt down with regard to the job choice I made... feel like I took it for the same damn reason I have chided myself in the past for: Big job, big money, ego, and fear of letting OTHER people down...

Man, anyhow, we will let you know what happens!

Peace

New Job

So yea, I got the job I interviewed for last week!

Crazy shit man, any how, this is a grande opportunity and I feel a bit overwhelmed. My friends are telling me to just give it a shot, but I feel a bit out of sorts, the firm is all in to financial modeling and analysis, basically something I want to try. Problem is, I am not a financial wiz.

They have been helpful, and I will try my best to do a good job.

Lately my thoughts have been all over the place, sell the house, go back to school, move to Alaska, crazy stuff. I went to two meetings today, and hung out with friends all day, had coffee at the buck and basically came home. It seems that I am just in fear with the new job, but I also can't help but think that the business world is not for me... you know, the corporate sit behing the desk type of jobs... ya know what I mean??? I have never been happy in any office job, and I am wondering if I should go back to schoool and study for something I am interested in... science.

Pretty broad topic, but I was thinking psychology or something like that... maybe I am crazy, but I was thinking that if this job doesn't work out, I am going to go back to school for a year and study all of the med-school prereqs. Perhaps this is just another crazy alcoholic thought, perhaps not... I have the means to go do this thing, I know my mom would support me, why not just do it???

Thoughts folks?

Peace...

2 months and 10 days to a year!

Coming up on a year folks! My sponsor still tells me I am insane... lol, we are working step 8 at the moment.

Tonight I have a girl coming over... a hot Brazilian chick! She is a normy, so it should be interesting to see how she reacts to me not drinking. I am not concerned about me personally picking up or anything, but we are going out to dinner, and I told her I don't drink at all, so I am interested to see if she pushes the issue. It will be with some of her friends at Chili's, so it should be fun. I will let you all know how it goes.

On the work front, my mom offered me a job, and I have an interview on Monday with some Wallstreet investment group... so yea, I have options and my life is good today. I decided that the call center job was a dead end, and was holding me back, so I quit. (i talked to my sponsor first! and his sponsor!) So yea, I left that job, and am focusing on something that will bring me more security in the future, something I enjoy doing. I basically settled for a job I was over qualified for and it was hampering my search for the job I really wanted.

Now that I quit, I have way more time for AA meetings and am back on my regular schedule! I am so excited for that! So yea, everything is good and I shall keep you all up to date!

Peace

Jonathan

Today

Today was a grande day, went to work, hung out with a friend at starbucks afterwards, and then came home.

Really not much to report... ;(

I do wish my life was a bit more exciting!

On the sobriety. front, I felt a bit disconnected today, not really in the dumps or anything, just no socialable. So I called a friend and asked him if he'd meet me at starbucks after work to gab a bit. I am very grateful he did so, because he has to work early in the morning, and I got off work at 10pm.

After thanking him for the nice long talk, we parted ways and I expressed my gratitude for him being there for me!

This is what staying sober is to me. Staying connected, reaching out, and like my friend did, being there for one and other.

Jonathan

LOL

Well Dave,

Picture to come shortly ;)

Life is good today, not much to report... sleepy. I will try and post an update on the morrow!

Peace...

Today I am grateful!!

Jonathan

Day number... 280!

So I went to work today, fun stuff let me tell you. I accepted a job that pays less than half of what I use to make, just so I can pay the bills... I feel out of sorts doing this type of work, as it is humbling if ya know what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit this job and look full time for a higher paying job... more along the lines of what I like to do... but ya know, I actually enjoy this job, so I don't mind staying here for as long as it takes... the hours and work days suck the though, so that is why I really want to find an 8-5er...

Anyhow, life is fairly good today, just wish I could get back to a normal schedule soon... I don't like working till 10pm! Plus my meeting schedule is miffed up, tomorrow I shall try to get to my first noon meeting before work. I will let you know how that goes!

Wish me luck, I really need to get off my ass and go to early meetings!

Peace...

Today I am grateful.for:

My roommate
My kitty cats
My mom, dad
My bro, sis, sis-inlaw
My job
My damn kick ass sexy body, yes it has gotten sexier!! (working out a ton!)

Funny thing when you get sober you lose wait, or atleast i did... guess it depends on what your habits were...

Anywhoooo...

Peace...

9 Months and counting!

I picked up my 9 month chip last week folks! Yea ME!!!! Ok, so what's new... been working this job lately, 1-10pm hours, Wed, and Fri off... and it's driving me nuts, but I need to pay the bills if you know what I mean!

I have been interviewing lately and have a couple really good prospects at a couple really good companies! So we shall keep our fingers crossed!

My older brother got married a few weeks ago, and I stayed sober through the wedding, pat on the back for me! Not much else is new. Lately, to be honest, my meetings have slipped a bit do to the hours, although it is probably more my fault because I am scared to go to different meetings! So I am going to make a commitment here to go to more meetings, I still have my coffee commitments and have been staying connected to all of my friends in AA, real life is a bitch since I have been so busy with interviews, jobs, and family.

Sobriety.comes first though, so I am going to get back on track and make more meetings, 2 a week is not cutting it and I have no excuse. I have you guys and AA to thank for my sobriety today, and I am so very grateful for that. I actually have been functioning quite well out there in the real world, you guys would be so proud!

I am going to try to get back into this blogging again. So stay posted, I shall keep you up to date! Wish me luck on the job hunt, I want my normal schedule back, more for my AA meetings and friends then anything.

Jonathan

Day 247! Yes, I am still here! New Job and stuff

So yes, I am still alive and sober!

I have started a new job as a Customer Service Rep, basically the hours are 1-10pm, and I have been neglecting my online time.

I continue to interview with other companies, as this job barely pays the bills.

I have not had the chance to try teaching ;( as I am too busy. These new hours are really messing with my schedule, so I am trying to adjust and taking care not to stress out so much.

Recovery is still going great. I am hitting different meetings now and making new friends. I will try to keep yall up to date, but honestly I don't know how often that will be. Today I am grateful. and thankful!

Best regards!

Jonathan

Day 228... Chilling

Just hanging out today in South Tampa, not much to report. Next week I will probably substitute teach for the first time. I am scared shitless of the thought of me actually doing this, but I think it will be good for me. It would atleast help me understand if teaching is for me.

I have a couple great meetings lined up for tonight and tomorrow, I love the weekends as that's when I hang out with other alchi's the most. We all go out to dinner and meet up at starbucks. It is so much more fun being sober, I am very grateful for that.

The weather is absolutely stunning today, so I am off to go for a quick jog, and perhaps head on over to the pool. Life is pretty great! ;)

Peace out...

Jonathan

Day 226! Enjoying Unemployment

.Well, it has been a while since my last post! Sorry about that, I find that I have been spending less time on the computer lately.

My job search has been extensive, and kept me extremely busy. Let's see, I have gotten a job offer from a company, as a customer service rep. The pay is less than half of my previous job, but I need something, and need to start my life anew, so I accepted it. That starts on April 30th. In the mean time, I continue to look for other options, but am content and ready to go with the new job.

I am also 2 days from being qualified to substitute teach. This will allow me to do this part time, and see if I like being a teacher! Plus, I can interview in June for teaching positions, if I want to go that route! Very cool.

So all and all, everything is good. Job is lined up... I will probably have to cut spending drastically to make ends meet, but I have a roommate now, and that helps. AA has been a solid rock throughout all of this. I get grounded on a daily basis, and have been very straight forward about asking for emotional support.

Life is good, I am just loving unemployment for now. It is busier than you'd imagine, I have been busy interviewing and taking the substitute teacher training.

I will try to keep yall up to date, but my posts will be fewer, as I no longer have a job where I sit at the computer all day.

Today I am so very grateful for:

Losing my job
AA .
My friends
Family
My two cats
My health
All the opportunities before me
Getting a job offer
And being sober

Sobriety rocks! I love my life today!

Jonathan

Day 214! Last day of work

Today is my last day at the office, er was anyhow. I am home now, and just settling in. Over the last two weeks, not much is new. I had two phone interviews and more job prospects, but I am kinda tired of looking, so I think this week I will take it easy. My new roommate moved in, things are working out pretty good there.

I have been trying to meditate and find that has helped some. I am at peace today.

I have just been so busy in AA and with life in general, I have not had the time to post. I have been journaling however, and that is really good for me too.

Had a friend or two relapse recently, and pray that they get the willingness... I imagine I won't hear from either of them until they do figure out they are powerless.

Well, that's all I've got today.

Peace...

Jonathan

Totally forgot about subbing!!!

Today is day number 204!

You know, lately it seems like I have driven myself mad, with all of the "possibilities" regarding what to do with my life after I get fired... I realized today that I have a bunch of options, but totally forgot about the one thing I had been planning on this whole year.

Teaching

Scary, but something I want to try to do. So today, I am going to take the final steps in becoming a sub, and sign up for the class which is needed. The beauty of this is that I can work part time as a sub if I go to school. I can also get a month's experience and then apply for full time teaching positions at the end of the year. So yea, this subbing thing is something that I want to, have to try. Regardless of whether or not I go to school in August, or take another job this summer, or don't get hired as a full time teacher. I NEED TO TRY SUBBING! I am terrified, but man, something is just screaming at me to try it. But fear is keeping me from taking action.

So yea, it seems that I have had many ideas and tons of opportunities... So many so, that I forget what it is I'd like to try to do first! Duh! Well, the school district was closed last week for spring break... that may have had something to do with my crazy job searching this week. Now I think I should just focus on the teaching thing for now, and see what happens... ya know? Perhaps, maybe so?

Well, that is how I feel for now. We'll see how things go!

Peace out,

J

Sharing in meetings

201 Days of continuous sobriety.!!

Oh yea!

And to mark that 199th day, I did something extrordinary! Yes that's right, I shared at a meeting!! I did it without anyone telling me "hey you should share more" or anything like that. I remember my first sponsor kinda sorta tried that with me, and I revolted at it. However, today, I recognize that I need to share if I want to take this thing called sobriety to the next level!

So I was nervous, but shared, and the fear went away! Well, not completely away, but I was so excited about it, that I called my sponsor to tell him, and then I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to share the next time. I did it again tonight! Both times on topic, and I tried my best to have a coherent line of thought... very cool. And people came up to talk to me afterword! Wow!

I love this program. ;)

Peace...

Jonathan

Dragging ass...

Day 198 of continuous sobriety!!! ;)

I am so happy about that! Man, just hanging out at the office... and I mean barely hanging on... it is so hard to be here knowing that my boss is giving me my two weeks notice on Friday!

I feel depressed, despondant, and just feel like a failure! Yea, so that's how I feel. So what did I do about; I called my sponsor, I called another friend, I posted here, and I am reading out of one of my books.

But I still feel pretty shitty! I know that in the evening, when I can get to a meeting, I feel great. But every second of being here is just plain aweful. So yea, that's how I feel about that. It's like every day I feel wonderful when I finally get home... but when I am here... oh it sucks big time!

Ok, besides all that, more applying to jobs, and talking to people about me and my life. New idea - What about going back to school for my MBA?? I could focus in on Finance and International Business... two subjects I am interested in... My mom said she would put me through school... and I can work part time while doing it, and get it done in 2 years. Just a thought, my friend Ted is going back in the fall. I think that is where I got the idea.

I think in terms of jobs it would allow me to work towards something I enjoy, but I'd have to really go all out if I do it.

Any how.. just talked to my Dad, and wanted to make a note of it. He told me to check out his company's website and use him as a reference! Never thought of that! So I did, and even found a position "gasp!" I am qualified for! Who knows! Just another lead... time to turn it all over!

So peace folks, and thanks for listening to my ranting and raving!

Jonathan

Decisions, decisions!!!

Day 193!

Made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of...

I have been trying my darnedest to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I have all these jobs I am looking at, 99% of which I won't even get an interview... I also have two job paths that I am seriously contemplating, each for completely different reasons, and each pretty easily attainable...

My mom suggested selling high end cars... she can hook me up at a dealership in the area. That idea has never occured to me, but now that I think about it, I really think it may be a good path to take, as I usually bitch and complain about sitting in an office all day. Talking to people, and staying out of my head is a must. So I imagine selling cars could be like that. Also, I imagine that having to sell another car to put food on the table, will be plenty motivation to go to work and get stuff done. On the other hand, I am terrified by the prospect of having to sell stuff to make a living... just never thought I could be a "salesman"... Maybe there is something to it... maybe... I won't know unless I try it out. Which brings me to the other career path: Teaching.

Teaching would mean less money than even the sales job... but I would be doing something I imagine I would enjoy... even though I am terrified by the prospect of standing in front of kids and instructing them in the ways of the world... terrified even more than the car-sales thing... But, the idea, and the challenge, and the nature of the work appeals to me...

So yea, two very different options I really think I am considering...

You know what? I won't figure this out unless I make a few phone calls to some dealerships, and schools, and talk to people in the field. I already have talked to some teachers and took the tests, so I know a bit about that... but the car sales thing, I need to atleast go talk to someone, and see if it might be a fit.

That would be leg-work... I think if I do the work, God will take care of me in the end...

PS -- It's funny, when I read what I just wrote... my situation doesn't seem so bad!

Aghh... work + losing job = What a drag!

Day number 190.

Just reporting in for the day. As far as my day goes, it's a bit depressing... motivation is at an ultra low... I mean, I am losing my job, but still have to try to work. It's even harder than before to go through the motions!

On a much brighter note, I go home in 30 minutes! Also, I had a girl in the program call me last night, which was interesting. She is new, with less than 30 days. It seems she is latching on to me... not in any sexual way either! She came to a meeting about 2 weeks ago, where I was making coffee, and was there early. It was just her and me. I introduced myself, and she her self. I found out she was new, and never been to AA before. My initial thoughts were: ok, get her to meet people, and women in the program... while telling her my story.

So I did my best, introducing her to people and trying to get her to connect with others. It actually drew me out of my shell: "He John, you know so-and-so yet?" She thought I was a social butterfly, when in fact, I am not, and am only trying to help her out!

I could sense her uneasiness around others, but kept on trying, and finally she actually asked a girl to be her sponsor! I was all excited... I gave her my number and told her to call any time.

Well, this is the first time a new comer has actually listened and/or connected with anything I was saying. So that is cool, I feel kinda good about it. I don't try to tell her what to do or anything, I just tell her how it is/was for me. Maybe she will make it, I hope so, it's nice to expand our little group of friends, ya know? But so sad when one leaves.

That's all I got for now folks!

So glad to be sober today!

Peace

Day 187, it's Friday, and it's beautiful!

Well, today is day numero 187.

I feel pretty darn good today, and I think you would too if you lived in Florida. I mean, the weather is absolutely beautiful today! I should probably leave the office early and go for a bike ride!

With regards to the job thing... I will turn it over after I do the leg work. I did do some leg work earlier this week, so today, I am turning it all over. No worries! Oh yea, well, at the meeting tonight and this weekend, I will naturally tell everyone about my job search, you never know who may be listening, right?

Besides that, nothing else is new! I am just in such a good mood right now!

So yes, I love being sober. I just absolutely love the fact that I can call sober people, stay sober, and get some serenity in my life!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
Losing my job
Being depressed yesterday
Calling my friends and sponsor
My friends
AA
Coffee
My Kitty Cats
My family
Today

Day 186! Depressed...

Ok, so I have a roomy moving in soon... so that is good. Um, yea, I still need a job. I am starting to feel a little depressed and anxious about it now... as I have really been putting my resume out there, as nobody calls me, or I get no response... yea, that sucks. Or, I get an idea like "Oh, I would be perfect for that!" and then it doesn't pan out... or whatever. Yea, I know, I haven't been searching for more than a week, and these things take time.

Bottom line: fear, insecurities, doubt, self loathing...

I don't like those feelings!

So, I shall pray about it, and call some other alcoholics.

I think I am starting to understand why we have those phone numbers!!!

Today I am grateful for:

My family
My friends
My job
My kitty cats
My savings!!!
My life
My sobriety

Day 184 - Some qoutes and ramblings

Well, today I have hope! And I shall face my fears and walk through them, and let them pass by me... or as one of my favorite Authors liked to say:

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (1965 - Frank Herbert, "Dune", on the bottom of page 225.)

I finished reading his second novel, the sequal to the first, and he used the quote again, only a different character said it. Very interesting, I am reading the third book now.

Basically, I am losing my job and I need to find a roommate. One of those could already be taken care of. I was telling a girl in the office about needing a roomy, and it turns out that she needed to find a place to stay! On top of that, no bitching or moaning about the rent/rate. Plus, I trust her, since I have worked with her for a year and a half... I kind of know what to expect. So, she came and checked it out, and told me she will move in, in three weeks!

Cool.

One down, one to go.

The job search continues. Two open positions came up at the County, that I am qualified for, and would pay right at my minimum requirement for paying the mortgage/bills/expenses... I have applied, and called my friend who works there and asked for his advice/help. He is very cool in a non-commital way. So I was glad to atleast tell him, and yes, I am trying not to having expectations, and just let God take it from here. I did the footwork, now let's see what happens.

I also called another friend in AA, who is in the IT industry, and told him I needed help... he is helping with the IT search. I also, told a whole slew of other people just to get the word out there, and to get support. I am in fear a tiny bit, but not too bad. I am financially good for a long time if need be, and I do my taxes with my Accountant today, so finding out what I owe the government will be one less thing off my plate, and a HUGE relief once I write that huge check over to "The Man".

Today I feel so darn good... except of course being at work, knowing they are letting me go. It's kinda like the person you love tells you "Hey, I want to break up with you" and then turns around and says, "But how about we be friends with benefits for oh... about 3 weeks??"

Ya know? Kinda like, I am getting the ax, but I still have to play the part and act like I still hope there is a job here, but there soon won't be? So I wear the mask... or like Paul Laurence Dunbar said... "We wear the mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes" (1896 - Dunbar).

Well that's all I have today.

I also think I need to either get a new sponsor, or force my sponsor to meet me on a weekly basis... I don't think I want what he has anymore..(girl friend, and less AA) I don't see him weekly, and he doesn't have a "requirement" to call him every day... I think I need that, ya know?

Any who,

Peace - Gotta get back to work!

What do I want to do???!

Officially - Day 180!

Yea!

Ok, so now I need to think really hard about what I want to do. BTW, I am going to be interviewing potential roommates... I have one guy who is my age and an airline pilot. I figure that's a good start, but you never know, I will be calling him this weekend to see if we are a good fit.

What do I want to do? Good question. My friend Matt is a social worker, and has given me some sort of test to take, that he says he gives his clients/patients. I will probably get around to doing that tonight, as I am really struggling to figure out what I actually want to do. I don't think I have ever really been too happy, because I always took jobs, just to have a job... never really thought about what it was I wanted to do Please, any advice is welcome, I feel a bit lost. (thanks to those who have responded so far)

The options are pretty wide open, and I am willing to do about anything... I know I want to try teaching, so I am signed up to be a substitute teacher, and should have that ready to go by the time I am laid off. Other than that, I have no idea. Possibly some part time work somewhere? But that begs to ask, what kind of part time job? Where would I want to work? Geeze. I don't think I have ever really thought about it and gone after something. I guess the teaching thing is what I am focusing on. Yea, I am going to try for teaching. On the side, I may do some part time work, and maybe some entrapreneurial stuff. I like being my own boss... perhaps my own business is an option...

Any who, that is all for now. Thanks for the love, support, and suggestions. I will keep it simple regardless of what I do!

Peace..

Day 179! I am getting the boot!

Be careful what you wish for! I just got the notice from my boss, yes he does not feel I am right for the job, and will be letting me go in about 4 weeks. He was giving me a "warning" but basically said "Your not happy here, your not a right fit for the job we have you doing, and your original job pretty much does not exist"... so go get another job. Usually they don't tell people, they just fire 'em... but he likes me so I think he is giving me this time to find something else.

So... first: Get roommate to help pay the mortgage.
Second: Sign up for substitute teaching (already done)
Third: Keep on looking for jobs!

At first I was a bit devastated, I did not really expect that to happen... plus I almost busted out crying in his office... but it did, or is happening, and I feel a sense of relief... however, I also sense fear and wowness... like it hasn't sunk in yet... a little overwhelming with all the things I now, really have to do...

So, I went to a meeting last night, that was my first priority... and even though I only had 158 days, I picked up the 6 month chip cause my sponsor was at the meeting. So, I am celebrating 6 months, and the job loss.

Good stuff.

I don't really feel like drinking about it, even though I am scared and in some fear. This program seems to be working, and I realize that this is really just a blessing in disquise. We all know I have not been happy with my job. Today, I get the opportunity to find a new job in a new field, and new beginnings.

I think I will stay sober one more day at a time.

Peace...

Today I am grateful:

For my job
My family
My friends
My boss
My AA
My sobriety
My kitty cats
Tampa Florida
You guys

Day 176, still hate my job!

Ok, but I am not depressed about it... or wanting to shoot myself, or anything like that. Today is a good day, and I am simply going to enjoy the day.

I am going to enjoy the fact that I have a job and a pay check...

But... yes, always a but... I talked to my sponsor, and he told me "If you are suffering enough, you will change" or more to the point, basically that if my job is killing me, that I will change it when it gets bad enough. But my job doesn't really suck, I mean I think it's more me not being a good fit in the job... like I don't belong, no meaning...

That threw me off, cause he use to ask me to find my part in all this, and see where I can possibly work on me... since I was usually the problem... now I am confused. I have people telling me to work the program more, work on me, but also look for a job, and put myself out there more.

So, my thoughts are... maybe I do need to work on me, I do need to work the program like crazy, but also look for a job?? Ah well, I confuse the situation to all hell. Fact is I have a job, it's a good job, I don't like it so much, maybe I can find something I enjoy... end of story.

There are things I would like to try... teaching being one. A good way to start is substitute teaching, and then on to certification and a full time job. Problem with that is the money... I think I fear the change in salary. That is something that is really holding me back. I have a mortgage to pay that requires a certain amount per month, to pay it, and to take a cut in salary would require getting a roommate or moving. Plus teaching jobs don't really open up until the end of the school year... about 2 months away... so that is going to have to wait regardless of what I do.

So I guess I am in fear about it... fear of change... fear of losing prestige, fear of what people think or expect in me... damn fear!

A job is such a huge part of our week, should we not enjoy what we do? Why stay in a job just for money?? I know I can live on half of what I make, but that requires a big change. How do I know if I should make the change or not... am I just hoping others will make up my mind for me??? Is this more co-dependent behavior I so despise?! Ha! Can you tell I am an alcoholic?

Regardless, if you have read this far... I feel very serene today. Not much going on in the office, it is Monday, and people seem to not be busy, or not here. I hope I feel this good throughout the day... I heard alot of good stuff this weekend in meetings, and really want to apply some to my daily routine...

Just gotta stay in the now and be grateful... today is a great day. Enjoy today!

Peace...

Day 175!

Since my last post on Friday, I am feeling better. Later in the afternoon on Friday, I ended up getting some work done and actually kinda sorta felt better by the end of the day...

I think the big issue here is fear. I fear my bobb's boss, responsibility, putting my self out there, and people in general. I fear accountability big time.. All these fears tend to just explode when I get to the office... some days are better than others. I basically drive my self nuts! I am starting to realize that it is all me... perhaps I am not working the program as well as I could be...

I wonder if I should get a new sponsor, I called him Friday morning, left a message explaining my dire depressive feelings, and he didn't call me back till Saturday! That was nothing new, he has been distant recently, he use to be more available... Plus, he doesn't really kick my butt into gear like he use to.. (he got a girlfriend) and everyone else in my area has been telling me to get a new sponsor... Some of my friends are worried that my sponsor is letting me down, but then I think: well what's my part, and am I not trying hard enough?

I think I may need someone who is a bit more active in AA, rather than his girl...

Hmmm... anywhoo, today is a good day... I need to reach out to some other alcoholics today, as I did yesterday... it feels so much better when I talk with others...

Thank you guys and gals, you are all wonderful!

Day 173! Despair and Depression!

Well, today marks a week before I pick up my 6 month chip! Yea me!

On to a serious matter, and I would love some input, although I realize you may not have all of the facts in the matter. Usually when I get to the office, the despair and depression doesn't hit till later in the day around 3:00ish... today, it hit like the second I got in, or even before when I was drinking coffee at panerra, reading the paper.

I feel like this: I am depressed. I hate my job. I feel like I do not belong here. I do not enjoy what I do. I feel like my boss has me doing two things, neither of which I get done... mostly because I lack any motivation. I do not like the industry I work in, I actualy kinda sorta despise it, and have for over 2 years... I feel despair, almost like crying, right now, sitting at my desk. This is how I feel, daily.

I get paid good enough that anything new that I do would probably mean a 25% - 50% cut in salary....

Just wanted to put that out there, I feel like I am about to self destruct, and would prefer not to. Everyday I dream of putting in my 2 weeks notice... but don't, because I would have no job to go to..

Any whoo, feels good just putting that out there.

Thanks for reading.

Jonathan

Day 171! People going out and stuff...

Man,

Do you guys ever like get excited about people not showing up at meetings, or not posting to their blogs??? Like, kinda wonder "What's going on with so-and-so, I haven't seen her in a week or two..." and things like that? I kinda do, and I don't know really why, but I was just doing that two seconds ago... like two blogs I follow daily, and always have... the persons writing the blogs just kinda "dropped" off the planet... no posts in like 3 weeks. No warnings, just gone.... makes me wonder where they went!!!! And I do care, I want to make sure they are A.O.K!

I can't help but wonder...

And, when it's in the rooms, or someone I know personally... it's even more like wanna know, gotta find out what's going on with that person... weird. It's like if you know someone is on shaky ground, and they disappear, I want to know why they went out, and if they did, sometimes I feel good that I haven't gone out or what not....

I am rambling... (have a sugar/coffee buzz from starbucks... ;)

My point is, I like talking to people, checking in, wondering about people, basically being a social being. Sometimes I feel bad for taking an interest in how people are doing if they relapsed, or even talking about those folks with others... but isn't that our nature? To talk, to connect with others, and try to help?

When people go back out, I try to give my two cents in the most non-direct way... most of the times, the people listening who relapsed are like "Yea I know, but I am different" or "Yea I see what your saying but...". It is kinda fun to hear how people think and stuff, I am probably the same way, cause we all know I am different and you don't know anything about me. LOL, that is a joke, but you get the point right?

Any whoooo, I am so glad to be sober, and can't believe I am almost up to 6 months!!! SO cool.

Today I am grateful...
For Ted inviting me out to dinner tonight, to celebrate his divorce... sober.
For my friends
Family
kitty cats
And AA

Day 170!!!

Day 170!!

Interesting, I was just surfing around on the internet, and found tons of people just like me! Specifically, I was looking for more guidance on my work situation, depression, motivation, and those sorts of things. So I find it not too surprising that out there, people, non-alcoholic or alcoholic, seem to experience the exact same things I do when it relates to my career...

Lol, that is funny... like I actually expected to be alone and different?

So anywhoooo, I am at the office and not doing too much work at the moment. Earlier in the day I was trudging, and I mean trudging through a stack of bills. I read an article about motivation, and it said you need to just do it... cause otherwise you'd just sit there and tell your self all those "Why can't I..." questions. Once you start doing, you can actually then look back at what you did and feel good about it, or objectively say "that sucks"... or what ever. Point is, you gotta do, you can't just sit around like I do sometimes and be a slothful ass... cause that is a downward spiraling scenerio if you let it happen...

So I did, and felt pretty good. Unfortunetly, that stack of bills is now gone, and finished. I had a few phone calls to make a second ago, but now am kinda sorta idle. My boss is in a meeting, but even if he were out and about, I'd probably still not have much to do....

At lunch, OMG, I was sitting down at a table, and 3 people came and sat down next to me. All three of them, turns out, were training to be substitute teachers. Can you believe that? Is that God talking, saying "Hey you! Yea you! Go try it out, and see if you like it!" That's kinda what I got out of it any way. I talked to them a bit and listened... I think now more than ever I'd like to give it a shot. The problem is my high paying job pays the bills, and substitue teaching wouldn't even pay half of my bills... oh well. Not like tenure would pay much more... hmmm. Any whoo, I am trying not to take too much control, but seriously, work takes up half of my life, and I am not happy. Should I not try to find something else? I have never been much for corporate office environments....

Ok, end rant.

Today I am grateful for:

My house
My cats
My family
My brother and his soon to be child
My friends
AA
My AA friends for hanging out with me...
My sponsor
My kitty cats are so cute
My journal at home
My health
Being single... ok, that one kinda sucks, but I can see how I should be grateful and not dwell on it.
My life

Day 169!

Only 11 days to my 6 month chip!!!! OH YEA!

Well, this weekend was simply fabulous! I went to the State Fair and saw all the perty animals and did some white trash watching, and fat folks watching too. I almost had to try out the deep fried snickers bars, but opted instead for a piece of beef jerky.

I didn't really go for the food or rides, I just wanted to go walk around, and am glad I did. I also pretty much did what I usually do on the weekends, did my coffee commitments and went to meetings... I also hung out with a few AA's last night after our 7:30 meeting... that was cool.

Hmmm... not much to really say. I still can't get motivated at work. It seems I have some bills stacking up right next to me as I type this, and don't feel much like doing anything with them. Seems today is just over. I should probably wrap it up and just head home... but I won't, I will stay till 5:00 and "act" like I am really doing something. I probably shouldn't type this sort of info on here, what if my boss were to come across it? LOL, that would be funny. Maybe I'll try googling me and see if anything pops up from this blog.

I have a meeting tonight at 7:00. I look forward to it, I think I may jump on the ol' bicycle and run on over to the gym before, and get a good work out in. I need to start doing more weights, as I feel like I am gettig skinnier...

Well, that's all she wrote folks! Nothing new with me! I am still sober, and that is what counts! Just trying to figure out my work situation... ya know? I'd really like for a Math Teacher position to open up, so I can try that career field out.

Peace to you all!

Day 165

Today has been a great day!

This morning, I talked to my boss about what I do here. He basically said that he thinks I should manage my time better. Hmmm... well, I kinda sorta got a good idea of what he expects. So now I can go do my job right? Right, I think.

Bottom line, is that it felt good to tell my boss what I was thinking and how I was feeling. Someone last night said "What's the worst that could happen?" If you ask that question, in almost all of the real world issues that I obsess about, the answer usually is... not much.

Nothing much bad can happen over most, if not everything I worry about. So why worry?

Well, today I am trying to get motivated to do some good work. This morning I was kicking butt, but now, after lunch... starting to wane a bit.

Today i am grateful... for:

My two pretty kitty cats
My Town Home
My car
My bike
My tang so do
My friends
AA
My family
My brother
You guys

Day 164!

Day 164!

Last night my ex-girlfriend called me up, and asked that I be her date to some golf-function-fund-raiser-thingy. Apparently, she couldn't find anyone else, so she called me! I haven't seen her since sobering up, so it was a good experience. We danced, or she danced and I kinda sorta shook my head, we ate food, and I dropped $300 on a Payne Stewart momento plaque thinga-ma-jig.

Plus, my feet were just killing me by the end of the night. I was glad to go home and go to sleep.

So, yea, we are still friends, she is still the same as am I to a point... Sometimes I wonder if we could have another go at it, but I kinda feel like I am not ready for that, as I know she would be pretty serious. Anyhow, we will stay friends for now, and I won't even try to make it any more than that. I am so fortunate to still be friends with her! Such a nice person she is!

Today is Valentine's Day. I am not too excited about it, but the weather outside is simply fabulous... so I am going to have to enjoy it once I get out this hellish labyrinth also known as "my office". Can you tell I still don't like the job? I bring it up more for me than you... to remember how I feel and write it down. Yesterday my boss was trying to explain how I can better do my job, and he actually said "I am not supposed to work, I don't do anything... you should do all my work for me and read my mind." Seriously, he said he wasn't supposed to actually do any work. He asked me for some utility fee numbers, which I gave him... then proceeded to tell me how he actually wanted me to count up the numbers and do some simple math, and then send it to him. Oh well, sorry guy, my fault mista masta! Geeze, what an ass, if you want the numbers added, cause your too lazy to do it, just ask please!

Furthermore, I think I may need to sit down with him and discuss my role here. I feel like they are asking me to do two separate jobs, which really prevents me from doing a good job at either. Not sure how to broach that subject... but I think it may help to actually sit down and talk with my boss about what he wants me to do... it seems like he wants a bazillion things, but changes goals and deadlines all the time. Driving me nuts... and driving my motivation into the muck.

One problem with that is, they may view it as me not wanting to work, and proceed to firing me. That would be simply be icing on the cake. Oh well, I really want to feel motivated, I pray all the time about it, and actually this morning felt pretty good in a meeting. I spoke up and acted the part. But, my motivation hit the rocks soon after. Hmm, interesting, very hard to live in the moment...

Regardless, today is a beautiful day!

Peace!!

Day 162!

Day 162!

Still can't believe I am sober for almost 6 months! That is amazing!

Has it been all a bed of roses? No, I have things that need dealing with while abstaining from alcohol: I have thoughts and feelings, I have friends I hang out with, I have to wake up without a hang over (ok, that's easy sober!), I have commitments I have to keep.

Sometimes I get depressed, happy, sad, agitated, angry, or just plain silly. Sometimes I am a complete ass, other times I am a nice out-going person. It seems to get better with time, but I can't tell, and sometimes I don't do the things I should be doing, but all and all I stay sober. Isn't that the point?

Basically I have to learn to love myself, and live with my self as I am. It can be hard at times, but I am learning... sometimes faster, sometimes slower.

If there is one thing I have learned, one thing that I would suggest to someone who really wants to stay sober, I would tell them my secret: Commitments.

Coffee commitments, meeting commitments, setup commitments, friend commitments. Get off your ass, volunteer for something. Anyone at any meeting has something for you to do on a weekly basis. That has kept me sober more than anything else. Today I got a call from someone, asking that I make the coffee for them tonight, because they couldn't make it. I don't really feel like it, but when I thought about getting to the meeting early, and preparing the coffee, setting up the chairs, and silently waiting for everyone to show, I realized how blessed I truly am! People call me to take care of things for them in their absence. It makes me feel wonderful, important almost! *Jonathan's ego swells to epic proportions *

Yea, that's cool. I am responsible... but who am I kidding? I don't do it for them, I do it because I know it will keep me sober; just one more day at a time.

One word: Commitment

Enjoy the light of the day!

Day 159!

Day 159! 3 Weeks to 180 days! Woot woot!

I can't believe it. Surely God is working in my life, because if I had it my way, I'd probably be drinking...

Well, today is a good day. I feel like lately I have been beating myself up a bit too much and not living in the moment, enjoying the light of the day.

Today I feel good. As frustrating as work can be, I shall not let it get the best of me, and I will do a good job. With my HP beside me I can do anything, and enjoy life to the fullest.

Tonight, I have my coffee comittment, which I swear to God has been huge in keeping me sober. Saturday as well, I help setup at a meeting. Having a commitment on Friday and Saturday night has kept me out of my head, and hanging out with people. I love it, and every weekend, I look forward to having dinner with alchoholics... so much fun.

Any whooooo, I feel good today. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

Enjoying the light of the day, from Tampa....

Jonathan

Day 158!

Ugh! Sloth at work!!!

Today, I feel totally lazy. I don't really feel much like doing anything. I have answered the phone a couple times, called a few people, sent a few emails, and functioned for the most part.... but it's killing me!!! Lol. Just need to post how I feel... My boss came in and was like "You busy or what?" I was like "yea"... He senses me being quite and withdrawn....

Besides that!!!

Not much else new.

Still sober!

I am grateful for:

My job... not... ok, maybe a little
My family
My health
My finances
My sobriety
My security
This Country we live in
My friends
My health
My friends
AA
My sobriety!

Day 151!

Well,

Today I feel better. Although, I feel like it is because I got something I wanted, and not because I surrendered, although I was about to surrender, I swear!

Coming into the office today, I fully intended to get right down to business and get a whole lot of good work accomplished. I have, for the most part, and feel wonderful. However, a big part of it is because I just got a response from the most promising computer programming jobs yet. The said I was selected out of 100 resumes to take the process further. So, I got way ahead of myself and started fantasizing about it as I sent them the additional info they were looking for...

So I am happy about that. I really need to be turning this one over asap, because if anything doesn't go "my way" I am sure to loose it. HP, if this is what you want of me, then so be it. If this is not what you want for me, so be it. I shall live in the moment, and try to be of service today, as best as I can be. Amen.

Last night I went and bought a new PS2 video game... SOCOM Combined Assault. Yea, I know, an opportunity to isolate... but maybe not. I can't neglect the video game lover in me any more.

Tonight I have TangSooDo and my big book study afterwords, a very full evening. Lord knows I need to get out of my head, so this should be a fabulous evening.

Today I am grateful...

5 months sober! 150 Days

Yea me!

I still hate my job. Today is worse than ever... not sure what's going on in my head, it feels like total lack of enthusiasm, no desire, no passion, fuck you kind of attitude...

Well, that is how I feel. You know what it is? I have been trying to get an other job, and am not making any head way, so that really makes me feel crappy. How do you turn that over to my HP? Well, every time I post, I feel better immediately after, because I realize what I need to do... ask my HP to help.

I am starting to feel weird shit, like despair and hopelessness, while at the office. What the hell is up with that? Depression perhaps? I don't think so, as my evenings are usually positive. I think it just boils down to the job.

Well, that's all she wrote.

I do not have the desire to drink today. Thank God for that! For that seems to be the most important thing.

Peace...

DAy 149!

Wow, almost 5 months sober! Coolio.

Went to a great meeting yesterday, and heard exactly what I needed to hear. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems...

Well, today, I don't really feel much like working, and quite honestly, I haven't done shit for work since I got here this morning.

My boss keeps asking me to do things for him, like setup a meeting here, or look at this property there, or some bullshit that get's me off of all the other things I am "supposed" to be doing. So I basically shut down. I don't like being told to do things, and when I resent the company and entire industry to begin with, it's like just asking for disaster. I have hated this industry for the last 2 years...

Ah well. I shall try to ask God to help me be of use to him, and to give me some guidance if it be his will. Lord knows my will ain't working... I will pray, and try to get some work done.

Today I am grateful to be sober. If anything, being sober today is by far my greatest accomplishment, and I will hold on to that truth.

Peace

Day 148

Well today is a good day. Friday I was losing it, and today I thought I was again too... I called my sponsor last night and made a commitment to call him every day, as I have been neglecting that aspect of my sobriety. I will also call him whenever I get into these shitty moments!

Any how, today, I still hate my job!! And funny thing, a prospect job popped up, and I spent 3 hours thinking about wether or not to send them my resume... it's like when it comes down to it, I am scared to make any changes...

Oh well, I have to be off, as 5:00 nears, and I have coffee commitment tonight!

Enjoy the light of the day!!!!

Half way through the day here...

My head is about to explode, I fear my ego is getting in the way here today.... I feel like I want to lash out at everyone and everything. It is getting hard to contain myself... So I type. My boss told me one thing, his boss expects something, I read too much into it all, then R. wants something to go to someone (why don't you just f#$%ing send it yourself?), and "What the f$#@ are those easement papers doing on my desk?" (not my job either)

So yea, that's what kind of day I am having today. It is hard to put my ego aside when things start not making sense and bosses ask for stupid shit and try to hard to control crap... Here's an idea... let me do my fucking job!

On top of all of that, I did not get to enjoy my lunch. Selfish? Probably... not letting shit go... most likely. I am pissed, not much else to report. Oh yea, regardless, I don't have to drink over it, and I don't feel like drinking either. So thank God for that. Now, let go of the fucking ego Jonathan...

Day 145

Day 145!

And still counting, yes indeed it is true; I am still sober. After hearing Sandy B. share on Tuesday night about our egos and how our ego keeps us from our "HP", I have been trying on a daily basis to ask my HP to remove my ego and allow me to be of service to others. Like constantly while I am at work, I am kinda sorta talking to myself, it's kind of comical.

And it has worked to an extent. I have had a few busy days and have gotten some good work done. I still don't like my job, and I still want to do something different. Beside just changing jobs, I have ideas for my own business... nothing new there, and nothing worth dwelling on here. Just want to write it down.;

I saw my cousin Brian last night, drove out to pick him up for dinner, and took him out to eat some sushi. We shot the shit for a bit (rhymes!) and then I took him back to the hotel. Brian has a couple ideas of what he wants to do. He is passionate about "green" technologies and environmental tech... very smart guy, and I hope he really follows his passions. He seems to be the one person in my family who thinks of what he wants to do, and then goes and does it. I think of things and never do it, well, have not without alcohol that is.

Pretty much it's just me an my insecurities! No surprise there. Regardless, I have ideas and plans to make a change soon, within the next 4 months I hope... maybe I am being too wishful, but we shall see.

Today I am grateful for

My job
My kitty cats
My house
My mom...
My brother
My family
My sister
My dad
My friends
My life
Sandy B. for just being there

Day 141... and still sober

Getting sober is easy. It's staying sober that is hard... just so you know.

Today has been another one of those "Fuck it" kinda days. We were in a meeting and I made the suggestion, or point rather, that we should get an attorney involved in every deal we do... everyone in the meeting agreed except for the VP. Then he had the nerve to say "Oh they're young yet...", basically implying that he knows all and myself and this other gal know nothing.

That kinda pissed me off, especially because everyone, even the project engineers know that it is common knowledge in this industry to get a freaking attorney involved from the get go. My boss prefers to not do that, because he thinks he knows everything, and in the long run, we all get screwed.

End rant.

Really, though, it's not a big deal, I have gotten a good bit done today; put a few jobs out to bid, made a few calls, made some emails and wheeled and dealed so to speak. I still would like to switch it up as far as the job goes; quit and get back into computer programming for which my degree is in... I am searching for a job people!

As for life in general... this last weekend I felt the urge and obsession to drink return to me, as if it had not gone any where. Very odd feeling. I found myself dreaming of getting toasted and getting sloshed... you know, that happy go-lucky feeling we chased after time and time again? I thought about that warm fuzzy feeling you get in your stomach and romantized it, even massaged it a bit. Man, scary shit.

Then I thought about how I would feel, the consequences, the hang-over, and the potential to get into trouble... oh yes, I liked to party when I drank. "I think I will just stay sober one more day!" I told myself ;) But I digress, it was not that easy. I did not feel like picking up the phone, nor really doing anything. I forced myself to help out at a meeting. I dragged my ass to my car and forced myself to turn it on, even though I did not want to see you people. I cringed when the phone range, yet answered it, only because I knew that was what I had to do... I went out to dinner Friday and Saturday night with sober friends, watch the game on Sunday with more sober friends, and by Sunday evening I was back on track and feeling golden. How cool is that? Just hanging out and checking in helped keep me sober, one day at a time... How about that? ;)

I really don't want to drink guys, and I today I am glad I have the tools to deal with those feelings, and sober friends to call, and sober friends to shoot the shit with and watch football with.... GO COLTS!!! I really am grateful for all of this stuff.

Ramblings... day 137 :)

Day 137

My lord, where does the time go? One of these days I need to stop counting the days.... although I am scared to do so. Is that an OCD thing? Oh well, not a big deal.

Today is a good day at work. I still don't like my job and want to do something different. Big surprise there. I am here, and doing the best that I can with what God gave me. Oh yea! I woke up at freaking 6:00 am this morning and went to Panera for some coffee and the paper. That was nice, but not as uber cool as I had imagined in my dreams... you know, waking up early and going for coffee... it has always been something I dreamed about.... since in the past, getting up early was such a positive experience.

On my way in, I thought about how I felt, and heard things in my head like "the early bird gets the worm" and "Wow, I am not going to be 'waking up' at the office this morning". Well, it has had some effect... although I don't know what. I have accomplished things today, more than usual, but I don't "feel" all that different. Anywhoooo, point is that waking up early is good, it means going to bed earlier... hopefully. Atleast, that is my dream. Although, I have my doubts, as I have gone to bed late ever since like 16 years ago... even minus the alcohol.

Well, now that I am rambling about stuff, it is clear that today is indeed a good day. Did I mention I am looking for a job? That would be nice, a new job that I enjoy, and one that is meaningful. I am willing to take a cut in salary... I am certified to teach math grades 6-12... although I am scared of trying that, as I don't know how well I'd do on that platform in front of a class. Probably fairly well, but still terrified of the prospect. Hence, why I am still here looking for other jobs first. Wow, now I am really rambling. I didn't mean to make this a journal entry, although isn't that what this is all about?? Speaking of, I bought a journal, and have been writing in it at night. I find it fairly relaxing , although I should learn to turn off The Daily Show, before I write in it.

Today I am content, and grateful....

Peace...

Day 135

Today is day number 135. Yesterday evening I made the mistake of skipping my usual Monday meeting. It was one of those "Geeze I'm tired and I just wanna watch 24, kinda evenings." Well, half way through 24 I realized how bad I felt for missing the meeting, and also realized how I was being a bit of a negative self-beatin-up ass. I think I need to stay away from my home and purposely seek out other people in recovery right after work and in to the evening. If not that, stay busy, work out, do something, anything except sitting around my house from 5 - 9 at night. That just sucks, and will lead me to only one place... depression and isolation.

I also think that I need to learn to be happy with my self. Alot of times I will catch myself saying "you can't do that" or "you aren't capable" or just plain negative thoughts. That needs to stop. Perhaps some positive affirmations and stuff like that would help? I don't know. I have a painting I am working on that should help when I hang it on the wall... very "Enjoy the light of the day" oriented.

Well, regardless, today is a good day.

Day number 134

As more and more time goes by, it seems I am definetly seeing some of those traits which kept me drinking for so long. I believe somewhere around my early college years, I started to depend on drinking to escape from all of those inner workings. Specifically, loneliness was a big one. I started isolating and actually learned to enjoy isolating by drinking. Well, that went on for a while, and after college I hung out with even less people... I thought it was because that was what happens after college, you work and it is harder to make friends.

Well, I realize now I just wasn't making an effort to have any meaningful relationships in my life. Even today, I want to isolate, because old habits die hard. 7 years of drinking and striving to be alone is tuff to change. My friend Matt invited me to hang out with him Sunday, I did, and it was fun. I have all of these people I know, yet never really attempt to go hang out with them, unless it is dinner or starbucks after a meeting. That needs to change.

I remember in High School, I was lonely and afraid, in my Softmore Year. I felt like I had no friends, and was tired of hanging around at my house. My only real life was Ice Hockey practice and games. I made a decision that night to jump in my car and go see what was out there. Funny thing, I went to the ice rink. Safe bet I thought, and there I met that night the two guys who would later become my best friends in high school. We were inseperateble all through school. We had a huge group of friends and I remember actually looking forward to hanging out with them, and not drinking. I remember longing to just be around people, and doing things for fun. I hope to get back to that point, where I no longer obsess about isolating.

I think I made a mistake to go to Alabama for school, leaving my friends behind, and beginning my isolation... although, I have been told that I probably was already an alcoholic before hand, and that I should not have any regrets. Let it go, live in the moment, and move on. My friends did, why can't I?

I am working the fourth step this week, my sponsor says we should see some defects or something or other and soon take care of alot of these feelings, thoughts, and defects which are hampering my happiness. I am happy today. Why do I have "the grass is greener" syndrom? I am always thinking about old friends from High School, my home town, my relatives in Baltimore, my Dad in California, all of these places and things I think may be better than the one I am in right now.

I know Tampa is a great place, I have lots of friends, a job, a home, and people who love me. Anyhow, the point is, lately I have been thinking to much, and not living in the now. Today is better, I am in a good place. By talking with my sponsor, and my friends, I continue to find peace and hope. That's really all I want, serenity and peace of mind.

Well, that's all she wrote!

Enjoy the light of the day!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My family
My cats
My home
My car
This earth we walk on
Fire
Ice
The sunshine
Ebay
My friends
My friends
And the opportunity to make meaningful relationships!

Day 131!

Day 131!

I don't believe I have any great insites or any great quotes to reveal to you all. I had a wonderful day yesterday, and a pretty darn good day today. My mind is at ease. That is funny too, because at 4:00, my boss and I have a meeting with the Regional President, and usually that sort of thing terrifies me, exspecially when we no she is going to be sorely dissapointed in some of the news we may bring.

Today, I am in this weird state of happiness where my thoughts are happy even though there is some sense of foreboding in that future meeting. Kind of like I know it could suck but really isn't that big of a deal. Ya know??

However, I must admit I was in a shitty mood most of the week. Generally because I get in my head, and think about the future, the past and the inbetween. It is sooo hard folks, I have been a pretty negative, pessimistic person since highschool. I am not sure how to reverse that. Turn it all over to my HP? I mean, maybe I am not praying as much as I should. Maybe I need to think more on that plane of existance with my HP more often.

Well, regardless, today is a good day, and even if it was a crappy day, I am grateful to be alive today, and sober.

I feel like I am getting a little more connected in with friends and such, which is new to me. I have been invited to hang out this weekend with a fellow AA, so that is kind of cool. My fearful self tells me not to reach out, but I do anyhow, and because of that, things will and do get better. I look forward to a fun filled weekend of hanging out with friends and doing service work.

Today I am grateful for:

My family
My job
My life
My kittie cats
My friends
My stuff
My health
Being sober
Not drinking for 131 days!
Cool!
Being Sober!
Still breaking my personal sobriety records!
Ok, ok, I need to get excited about every now and then or I will forget.

I am grateful...

Found a qoute!

Fear is the root of a whole lot of the depression I occassionally feel, I fear for work, I fear where I may go or what I may do with my career, I fear what my bosses think of me, I fear for what my friends think, I fear I am destined to be single the rest of my life... all irrational fears that plague my daily routine when I am not living in the spirit of the program.

Generally, today I felt pretty good, except tonight I was internalizing as I sent out the old resume for computer programming type work and other related jobs. Hence, fear raised it's ugly head, just before bed time, and I don't like that! So I shall pray about it and try to live in the moment.

I never thought I would find an AA related qoute in a famous Sci-fi book. From Frank Herbert's "Dune" written in 1965, on the bottom of page 225:

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Isn't that so damn cool!

I feel better already.

Enjoy the light of the day...

Day 121... Friends in Denial

I had a friend recently ask me to tell them about why I was going to AA and why I thought I was an alcoholic. They initially told me that they had given up drinking and wanted to quit, unsure if they "really" had a problem. Unfortunately, I think that this person probably was a bit turned off by what I had to say.... which was the truth, that if they thought they had a problem, as they described it to me, that they most likely were an alcoholic. However, I emphasized that only they could determine if they really were an alcoholic. I think this person was wanting me to come out and decide for them that they had a problem... but I didn't say so. I just told them my story and related it to their drinking... I found it very hard to say things in such a way that they wouldn't scoff. So I think they scoffed, and that was that. I wanted to tell them how their drinking was worst than mine, and that they in fact were not special, and were among millions of people who have a problem... but I only thought it and did not voice my opinion, leaving them to find their own way.

Seeing someone in such a clear state of denial is very interesting to me, yet sooooo frustrating. I mean, admitting that you are an alcoholic, for me, was almost kind of liberating and I almost felt like I finally figured out at least in one instance, where I belonged in the world.

I play many different roles, work in different jobs, play different sports, and hang out with different people... all roles of which I am not sure if I belong, but I finally discovered one group of people I could totally relate to and feel that I belong: Alcoholics seeking sobriety. Simple isn't it? Not too scary is it? In some aspects in my life, like work, I sometimes wonder what my destiny is and where I am headed, terrified that I may be making or will make the wrong decision. But at least I know I have one thing right. That each day I wake up sober, and clearly understand that I am an alcoholic.

That is so cool!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
My friends
My kitty cats
My material possessions
My health
My sexy body
Did I just say that?

Day 120 ;) Happy New Year!

Day 120! Wow!

Today, it is a rainy, dreary day. Yesterday I felt irritable, restless and discontent. I imagine it could have something to do with it being new years and all of the fun I perceived "normal" people to be having... drinking and all. I maybe even entertained the thought for a moment, and then realized how insane my thinking was.

I said out loud... "I am irritable, restless, and discontent!" I almost had to laugh that I realized that I was in a bad mood! In the past, those feelings would probably have led me to the liquor store. Last night it led me safely back to the comfort of my bed... where I went to sleep to start a new day, today, sober, one more day at a time. Life is so simple, I hate it when my own brain get's in the way.

Any how, that's all I've got.