Day 176, still hate my job!

Ok, but I am not depressed about it... or wanting to shoot myself, or anything like that. Today is a good day, and I am simply going to enjoy the day.

I am going to enjoy the fact that I have a job and a pay check...

But... yes, always a but... I talked to my sponsor, and he told me "If you are suffering enough, you will change" or more to the point, basically that if my job is killing me, that I will change it when it gets bad enough. But my job doesn't really suck, I mean I think it's more me not being a good fit in the job... like I don't belong, no meaning...

That threw me off, cause he use to ask me to find my part in all this, and see where I can possibly work on me... since I was usually the problem... now I am confused. I have people telling me to work the program more, work on me, but also look for a job, and put myself out there more.

So, my thoughts are... maybe I do need to work on me, I do need to work the program like crazy, but also look for a job?? Ah well, I confuse the situation to all hell. Fact is I have a job, it's a good job, I don't like it so much, maybe I can find something I enjoy... end of story.

There are things I would like to try... teaching being one. A good way to start is substitute teaching, and then on to certification and a full time job. Problem with that is the money... I think I fear the change in salary. That is something that is really holding me back. I have a mortgage to pay that requires a certain amount per month, to pay it, and to take a cut in salary would require getting a roommate or moving. Plus teaching jobs don't really open up until the end of the school year... about 2 months away... so that is going to have to wait regardless of what I do.

So I guess I am in fear about it... fear of change... fear of losing prestige, fear of what people think or expect in me... damn fear!

A job is such a huge part of our week, should we not enjoy what we do? Why stay in a job just for money?? I know I can live on half of what I make, but that requires a big change. How do I know if I should make the change or not... am I just hoping others will make up my mind for me??? Is this more co-dependent behavior I so despise?! Ha! Can you tell I am an alcoholic?

Regardless, if you have read this far... I feel very serene today. Not much going on in the office, it is Monday, and people seem to not be busy, or not here. I hope I feel this good throughout the day... I heard alot of good stuff this weekend in meetings, and really want to apply some to my daily routine...

Just gotta stay in the now and be grateful... today is a great day. Enjoy today!

Peace...