Day number 134

As more and more time goes by, it seems I am definetly seeing some of those traits which kept me drinking for so long. I believe somewhere around my early college years, I started to depend on drinking to escape from all of those inner workings. Specifically, loneliness was a big one. I started isolating and actually learned to enjoy isolating by drinking. Well, that went on for a while, and after college I hung out with even less people... I thought it was because that was what happens after college, you work and it is harder to make friends.

Well, I realize now I just wasn't making an effort to have any meaningful relationships in my life. Even today, I want to isolate, because old habits die hard. 7 years of drinking and striving to be alone is tuff to change. My friend Matt invited me to hang out with him Sunday, I did, and it was fun. I have all of these people I know, yet never really attempt to go hang out with them, unless it is dinner or starbucks after a meeting. That needs to change.

I remember in High School, I was lonely and afraid, in my Softmore Year. I felt like I had no friends, and was tired of hanging around at my house. My only real life was Ice Hockey practice and games. I made a decision that night to jump in my car and go see what was out there. Funny thing, I went to the ice rink. Safe bet I thought, and there I met that night the two guys who would later become my best friends in high school. We were inseperateble all through school. We had a huge group of friends and I remember actually looking forward to hanging out with them, and not drinking. I remember longing to just be around people, and doing things for fun. I hope to get back to that point, where I no longer obsess about isolating.

I think I made a mistake to go to Alabama for school, leaving my friends behind, and beginning my isolation... although, I have been told that I probably was already an alcoholic before hand, and that I should not have any regrets. Let it go, live in the moment, and move on. My friends did, why can't I?

I am working the fourth step this week, my sponsor says we should see some defects or something or other and soon take care of alot of these feelings, thoughts, and defects which are hampering my happiness. I am happy today. Why do I have "the grass is greener" syndrom? I am always thinking about old friends from High School, my home town, my relatives in Baltimore, my Dad in California, all of these places and things I think may be better than the one I am in right now.

I know Tampa is a great place, I have lots of friends, a job, a home, and people who love me. Anyhow, the point is, lately I have been thinking to much, and not living in the now. Today is better, I am in a good place. By talking with my sponsor, and my friends, I continue to find peace and hope. That's really all I want, serenity and peace of mind.

Well, that's all she wrote!

Enjoy the light of the day!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My family
My cats
My home
My car
This earth we walk on
Fire
Ice
The sunshine
Ebay
My friends
My friends
And the opportunity to make meaningful relationships!