Here are some shots from my trip!
My brother, grand ma, and I...
My self portrait in front of the USS Constellation...
Me in front of the USS Torsk...
Friday, December 29, 2006
I am back!
Well I am back from Baltimore! All went well, I am sooo still sober! And tired too, it is 12:30 in the morning, so I must be off to bed.
Here are some shots from my trip!
My brother, grand ma, and I...
My self portrait in front of the USS Constellation...
Me in front of the USS Torsk...
Here are some shots from my trip!
My brother, grand ma, and I...
My self portrait in front of the USS Constellation...
Me in front of the USS Torsk...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Day 109, oh yea!
I am going to be out of town from the 22nd to the 29th. I don't think I will have internet access. So everyone have a merry x-mas, and take care. I will be thinking about you!
Good news!
The oral doctor guy said I don't have a dry socket and that the pain is normal.
Any how, I am not going to be lazy anymore, slowly but surely I am getting back into the swing of things. I think today is the first day at work that my jaw isn't preoccupying my brain.
It's funny how in the past, I use to think I was not like you people, with my scattered thoughts and anxieties. Today I am grateful that I am learning to be happy with me as I am. For the longest time, I was a basket case, always thinking way to much. Because of AA, I don't think to much, and I am beginning to enjoy life. This Christmas will be the first sober christmas in a long time. Thank you for that!
I leave you with a poem from my favorite American pimp... ok not really a pimp.
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Eveningby Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Good news!
The oral doctor guy said I don't have a dry socket and that the pain is normal.
Any how, I am not going to be lazy anymore, slowly but surely I am getting back into the swing of things. I think today is the first day at work that my jaw isn't preoccupying my brain.
It's funny how in the past, I use to think I was not like you people, with my scattered thoughts and anxieties. Today I am grateful that I am learning to be happy with me as I am. For the longest time, I was a basket case, always thinking way to much. Because of AA, I don't think to much, and I am beginning to enjoy life. This Christmas will be the first sober christmas in a long time. Thank you for that!
I leave you with a poem from my favorite American pimp... ok not really a pimp.
Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Eveningby Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Day 108 baby!
My lord, my mom just called and is talking to me about her ass-hole exhusband. It is very hard to listen to this. It is all about her and how her ex doesn't want her and only wants to hurt her. But, big surprise here, she has to go have dinner with him! Ha, to listen to him tell her how much he hates and despises her. To basically make her feel like shit. Um, hello, your getting a divorce, he hates you, why agree to meet him? She is hopeless.
Any how, through her whole schpeel, I basically say, "I am sure you will be ok" and "I am sure you will make the right choices".. and maybe one "If it were me, I would not have dinner with my ex."
Any how...
Today I am grateful:
That I don't have to drink today,
Or ever.
That I have a kick-ass job.
For my family
and friends
and kitty cats
and that damn pain in my jaw.
My kitty cat Hoshi got "tagged" by another kitty cat out there named Boots. Here is Hoshi's list, she typed it earlier this morning :)
1) I am long... my tail flops over my back and hangs in front of my head. I am a Maine Coon cat... hence my long body and tail.
2) I head-butt my human slave in the morning to get him out of bed... he just loves that!
3) I like to chase this little red dot that occasionally appears on the floor, walls, and ceiling. It's like it's really there but when I lunge at it, it disappears or moves real fast out of my way. Sometimes I wonder if it were just an illusion... Maybe this could be the mysterious laser creature the humans talk about?
4) I like to tackle my friend Keiko, she is twice my age, but I am twice her weight! She growls, hisses, and swipes her paw at me; I am sure because she loves me so much.
5) I think I am a dog, trapped in a cat's body, I will run to wherever my pet human goes just to be next to him.
6) I am the most softest, cutest, prettiest kitty cat alive!
Well, Hoshi typed that up, I swear... she's such a miss prissy. Any who, life is good. I am still struggling with the pain in my jaw, luckily tomorrow morning I get to go to the doctor for a follow up visit, and she will surely let me know if the pain is normal or not.
I need to get my ass to a meeting tonight, and try to get back into my normal routine as best I can. I am leaving on Friday to go to Baltimore for a week. I don't know if I am going to bring my laptop or not, but if you don't hear from me for a week, that is where I am. Not to worry, my family are not drinkers, and I think i am spiritually in a good place, so I do look forward to it.
Thursday night we have a big book study group meeting over at Jeff's house, so that will be essential, reporting in with all those guys before I leave. Jeff called yesterday, and that was a blessing, he just wanted to talk to get rid of some fear before doing part of his fourth step. That made me feel pretty darn good. Jeff has 19 years sober and is very spiritual, so when he calls to look for some inspiration from someone like me, that makes me feel good, ya know?
Well folks. That's all I got for today.
Peace...
Any how, through her whole schpeel, I basically say, "I am sure you will be ok" and "I am sure you will make the right choices".. and maybe one "If it were me, I would not have dinner with my ex."
Any how...
Today I am grateful:
That I don't have to drink today,
Or ever.
That I have a kick-ass job.
For my family
and friends
and kitty cats
and that damn pain in my jaw.
My kitty cat Hoshi got "tagged" by another kitty cat out there named Boots. Here is Hoshi's list, she typed it earlier this morning :)
1) I am long... my tail flops over my back and hangs in front of my head. I am a Maine Coon cat... hence my long body and tail.
2) I head-butt my human slave in the morning to get him out of bed... he just loves that!
3) I like to chase this little red dot that occasionally appears on the floor, walls, and ceiling. It's like it's really there but when I lunge at it, it disappears or moves real fast out of my way. Sometimes I wonder if it were just an illusion... Maybe this could be the mysterious laser creature the humans talk about?
4) I like to tackle my friend Keiko, she is twice my age, but I am twice her weight! She growls, hisses, and swipes her paw at me; I am sure because she loves me so much.
5) I think I am a dog, trapped in a cat's body, I will run to wherever my pet human goes just to be next to him.
6) I am the most softest, cutest, prettiest kitty cat alive!
Well, Hoshi typed that up, I swear... she's such a miss prissy. Any who, life is good. I am still struggling with the pain in my jaw, luckily tomorrow morning I get to go to the doctor for a follow up visit, and she will surely let me know if the pain is normal or not.
I need to get my ass to a meeting tonight, and try to get back into my normal routine as best I can. I am leaving on Friday to go to Baltimore for a week. I don't know if I am going to bring my laptop or not, but if you don't hear from me for a week, that is where I am. Not to worry, my family are not drinkers, and I think i am spiritually in a good place, so I do look forward to it.
Thursday night we have a big book study group meeting over at Jeff's house, so that will be essential, reporting in with all those guys before I leave. Jeff called yesterday, and that was a blessing, he just wanted to talk to get rid of some fear before doing part of his fourth step. That made me feel pretty darn good. Jeff has 19 years sober and is very spiritual, so when he calls to look for some inspiration from someone like me, that makes me feel good, ya know?
Well folks. That's all I got for today.
Peace...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Day 107
My wisdom tooth extraction has taken a bit of a toll on me over the last few days. Yesterday I tried to come in to the office, but left after an hour, went home, and slept all day per doctor's orders. The pain was so great...
The pain has gotten a little less, but it's still there today. It's kinda like a constant ache... plus my cheek is still poofed up a bit, but looks like it could be coming down. Work was not so bad today, so I am hopeful that tomorrow my pain will subside even more, and by this weekend hopefully I will be back to normal.
This thing has really thrown a wrench into "my plans". Originally, missing all of my AA meetings, Tang So Do, and work was disconcerting and made me feel like I was letting someone down. Really, the only person I was letting down was myself, by being negative about the pain in my jaw. Today, I am fine with it. I am happy with me as I am, and I am a good person. Sitting at home, nursing my jaw, is not fun, but I can enjoy it by reading, painting, and watching the boob tube. Most importantly, I will not let myself get me down.
Letting go pain... is that possible? Maybe I will try that today and turn one more thing over...
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My home
My cats
My family
My friends
AA
getting my wisdom tooth out
The pain has gotten a little less, but it's still there today. It's kinda like a constant ache... plus my cheek is still poofed up a bit, but looks like it could be coming down. Work was not so bad today, so I am hopeful that tomorrow my pain will subside even more, and by this weekend hopefully I will be back to normal.
This thing has really thrown a wrench into "my plans". Originally, missing all of my AA meetings, Tang So Do, and work was disconcerting and made me feel like I was letting someone down. Really, the only person I was letting down was myself, by being negative about the pain in my jaw. Today, I am fine with it. I am happy with me as I am, and I am a good person. Sitting at home, nursing my jaw, is not fun, but I can enjoy it by reading, painting, and watching the boob tube. Most importantly, I will not let myself get me down.
Letting go pain... is that possible? Maybe I will try that today and turn one more thing over...
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My home
My cats
My family
My friends
AA
getting my wisdom tooth out
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Day 104
Ok, DG was totally right, it definitely has taken a swipe at me today. My left cheek is getting sorer, and puffing up. The doctor called today to check on me, and said that it should get worst tomorrow and then level off.
I think the anesthetic hadn't completely worn off until this morning, then I felt all motion sick and pain in my cheek when I was out at panerra this morning. I got a bit nervous and hurried on home... where I am taking it easy per doctor's orders.
My mom wants to do Christmas over at the beach tomorrow, so we shall see how that goes. Maybe I will take some pics! Should be fun!
Any how, thanks for the love and support. I am so lucky to be sober.
My kitty cat Hoshi is sooo cute!
I think the anesthetic hadn't completely worn off until this morning, then I felt all motion sick and pain in my cheek when I was out at panerra this morning. I got a bit nervous and hurried on home... where I am taking it easy per doctor's orders.
My mom wants to do Christmas over at the beach tomorrow, so we shall see how that goes. Maybe I will take some pics! Should be fun!
Any how, thanks for the love and support. I am so lucky to be sober.
My kitty cat Hoshi is sooo cute!
Friday, December 15, 2006
Day 103 accomplished
Ha, yea, so I went in this morning to do the wisdom tooth thing.
They stuck a needle in the back of my hand, and then put some monitors on me and then blind folded me, and then put some earphones on (the eagles, to drown out the sound of the saw), and then I can't remember what happened next! The next thing you know I went from "the eagles" to wide awake and numb in the cheek, sitting up straight... I was a bit loopy, but I thought it was totally crazy that one second I was about to go under, and the next I was sitting walking out to the car. Nuts! And my mouth doesn't hurt too bad! Gosh! Simple, dammit next time, I look forward to getting knocked out!
I think I macked on the nurse while I was there too... although that could have been the aneasthesia goggles talking :)
They stuck a needle in the back of my hand, and then put some monitors on me and then blind folded me, and then put some earphones on (the eagles, to drown out the sound of the saw), and then I can't remember what happened next! The next thing you know I went from "the eagles" to wide awake and numb in the cheek, sitting up straight... I was a bit loopy, but I thought it was totally crazy that one second I was about to go under, and the next I was sitting walking out to the car. Nuts! And my mouth doesn't hurt too bad! Gosh! Simple, dammit next time, I look forward to getting knocked out!
I think I macked on the nurse while I was there too... although that could have been the aneasthesia goggles talking :)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Heya, day number 103
I'd like to share about something I am going to be going through tomorrow, and it's kinda blowing my entire day, and maybe even the weekend....
I have to get my wisdom teeth ripped out tomorrow. Generally, I am not really worried about the pain and blood... but I am a little worried about having my weekend suck and also getting knocked out with an anaesthetic. I have never been "put to sleep" before, and I have no clue as to what to expect. I have been told by most people it is not a big deal, you go sleepy and wake up and it's cool... so why worry? Just nervous I guess.
The doctor says I should be sleeping all day tomorrow after my surgery, I am not looking forward to being a lazy ass on Friday and Saturday. I also don't want to feel bad about waking up and feeling "messed up" like I heard one girl share in a meeting once. She woke up from an operation and busted out crying because she felt like she relapsed.I can see where guilt can creep in and blow the whole thing way out of proportion... waking up and feeling groggy or what not, but I think if your spiritually fit, that shouldn't bother you. So thankfully, I am glad to be spiritually right up there today!
I do know that I have plenty of friends to check up on me, and numbers to call if my thinking gets out of whack.
But anyhow, that's what's going on in my life tomorrow.
Today I am grateful:
That my insurance covers ALL of my operation
That I am sober going into this
That it's sooo not a big deal
That I can finally get that damn tooth out that has worried me since I found out about it 10 years ago
My family
My mom
My brother and sister
My job, which I am totally procrastinating on today
AA
My sobriety
Oh yes, and my two little kitty cats ;)
I have to get my wisdom teeth ripped out tomorrow. Generally, I am not really worried about the pain and blood... but I am a little worried about having my weekend suck and also getting knocked out with an anaesthetic. I have never been "put to sleep" before, and I have no clue as to what to expect. I have been told by most people it is not a big deal, you go sleepy and wake up and it's cool... so why worry? Just nervous I guess.
The doctor says I should be sleeping all day tomorrow after my surgery, I am not looking forward to being a lazy ass on Friday and Saturday. I also don't want to feel bad about waking up and feeling "messed up" like I heard one girl share in a meeting once. She woke up from an operation and busted out crying because she felt like she relapsed.I can see where guilt can creep in and blow the whole thing way out of proportion... waking up and feeling groggy or what not, but I think if your spiritually fit, that shouldn't bother you. So thankfully, I am glad to be spiritually right up there today!
I do know that I have plenty of friends to check up on me, and numbers to call if my thinking gets out of whack.
But anyhow, that's what's going on in my life tomorrow.
Today I am grateful:
That my insurance covers ALL of my operation
That I am sober going into this
That it's sooo not a big deal
That I can finally get that damn tooth out that has worried me since I found out about it 10 years ago
My family
My mom
My brother and sister
My job, which I am totally procrastinating on today
AA
My sobriety
Oh yes, and my two little kitty cats ;)
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sober for 3 and a half months
Well today is day number 102!
I woke up late today, again, but that's ok! I woke up without a hang-over! Which is really fabulous news! I use to wake up late and blame my drinking, but man, I might have a "waking up problem"... or maybe I need to start hitting the sack before 12:00am!! For more insite on this, visit Brad's New Blog, he is attempting to get up earlier too for his new project!
Appearently the two ladies in charge may have a problem with sleeping too, what do you guys think?
I also actually use to use alcohol as a way to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier, especially in college. Nothing like a few beers to take the edge off, and keep my mind from spinning out of control! I'm glad that I can fall asleep today without thinking about alcohol, and obsessing over it. It has been nearly 2 months since I have "had the urge" if you know what I mean.
You know what's great? I don't have to drink today. I don't want to drink today. And I feel pretty damn good about it. I have AA to thank. Thank you for the humility, thank you for the ego-deflation, thank you for being there for me, thank you to all my friends who have taken my phone call, thank you to you guys for being there and being blunt and to the point, thank you for everything!
Stop by and visit HippieChick... today I am grateful for:
Hippie chick, you are not alone!! Hippie Chick's Blog
My sister
My brother
My mom
My dad
The rest of the family
My friends
My AA friends
My blogger friends
My two kitty cats
My kick-ass car
My bad-ass town home
My health
Anybody I can help today
Peace...
I woke up late today, again, but that's ok! I woke up without a hang-over! Which is really fabulous news! I use to wake up late and blame my drinking, but man, I might have a "waking up problem"... or maybe I need to start hitting the sack before 12:00am!! For more insite on this, visit Brad's New Blog, he is attempting to get up earlier too for his new project!
Appearently the two ladies in charge may have a problem with sleeping too, what do you guys think?
I also actually use to use alcohol as a way to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier, especially in college. Nothing like a few beers to take the edge off, and keep my mind from spinning out of control! I'm glad that I can fall asleep today without thinking about alcohol, and obsessing over it. It has been nearly 2 months since I have "had the urge" if you know what I mean.
You know what's great? I don't have to drink today. I don't want to drink today. And I feel pretty damn good about it. I have AA to thank. Thank you for the humility, thank you for the ego-deflation, thank you for being there for me, thank you to all my friends who have taken my phone call, thank you to you guys for being there and being blunt and to the point, thank you for everything!
Stop by and visit HippieChick... today I am grateful for:
Hippie chick, you are not alone!! Hippie Chick's Blog
My sister
My brother
My mom
My dad
The rest of the family
My friends
My AA friends
My blogger friends
My two kitty cats
My kick-ass car
My bad-ass town home
My health
Anybody I can help today
Peace...
Monday, December 11, 2006
Day 100!!
100 days sober! Wow!
Appearently I have been tagged by many of you to do this list of 6 wierd things about me! Oh God no! You guys are going to find out more crazy things about me! Along with this list, I thought I'd post my first picture, crushing my anonymity. Enjoy!
6 Wierd things about me: (Honestly, after thinking on this for quite a while, I think I am pretty normal!)
1) I am attracted to older women more than younger women
2) I enjoy eating lunch alone, with my news paper
3) I have always thought my left leg is slightly smaller then my right leg, even though I am probably just insane...
4) I use to have all of the star trek books... like over a hundred, and yes, I read them all
5) Did I mention I am trekkie?
6) I have a fear of answering the phone - (this one is a new one since I got sober)
I don't think I will tag anyone, seeing how all of you have been tagged already ;)
So, life is good. I had a great weekend, a little busy. I went to a "normy" party on Saturday at a friend's house. He was having a big poker game and gift exchange, so I showed up with my friend Kim, and we had a blast. I was there till about 10:00pm, and as you probably know, I really would have rather been out doing my thing. I let Kim show me a good time though, as I had promised her dinner that night. (Just a friend people! :) Any whooo, had dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend at a Korean Resteraunt, then went to the party.
There was drinking, but Kim is aware of my problem, and I felt spiritually fit, so I went and had fun! My friend Scott is an attorney, so him and his dorky buddies were there... fun stuff.
Saturday I decided I wanted to try to paint. So I went to the store, bought some acrylic paints, brushes, pallat, canvases, and an eisel! Then I was kinda nervous, not knowing what to do... and then I just got started and painted my very first painting. I never thought I had an artistic bone in me. In the past, I was always too busy for something like this... anyhow, my friend Jeff said I would probably try things like this, and discover new things about me in recovery. I really enjoyed painting. After finishing the thing, I hung it up on the wall, and then went a bought 4 more 20" x 24" canvases.... I am excited!! Here is the painting, my first crack at this... not sure if I want constructive critisism or what, but here it is!
Appearently I have been tagged by many of you to do this list of 6 wierd things about me! Oh God no! You guys are going to find out more crazy things about me! Along with this list, I thought I'd post my first picture, crushing my anonymity. Enjoy!
6 Wierd things about me: (Honestly, after thinking on this for quite a while, I think I am pretty normal!)
1) I am attracted to older women more than younger women
2) I enjoy eating lunch alone, with my news paper
3) I have always thought my left leg is slightly smaller then my right leg, even though I am probably just insane...
4) I use to have all of the star trek books... like over a hundred, and yes, I read them all
5) Did I mention I am trekkie?
6) I have a fear of answering the phone - (this one is a new one since I got sober)
I don't think I will tag anyone, seeing how all of you have been tagged already ;)
So, life is good. I had a great weekend, a little busy. I went to a "normy" party on Saturday at a friend's house. He was having a big poker game and gift exchange, so I showed up with my friend Kim, and we had a blast. I was there till about 10:00pm, and as you probably know, I really would have rather been out doing my thing. I let Kim show me a good time though, as I had promised her dinner that night. (Just a friend people! :) Any whooo, had dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend at a Korean Resteraunt, then went to the party.
There was drinking, but Kim is aware of my problem, and I felt spiritually fit, so I went and had fun! My friend Scott is an attorney, so him and his dorky buddies were there... fun stuff.
Saturday I decided I wanted to try to paint. So I went to the store, bought some acrylic paints, brushes, pallat, canvases, and an eisel! Then I was kinda nervous, not knowing what to do... and then I just got started and painted my very first painting. I never thought I had an artistic bone in me. In the past, I was always too busy for something like this... anyhow, my friend Jeff said I would probably try things like this, and discover new things about me in recovery. I really enjoyed painting. After finishing the thing, I hung it up on the wall, and then went a bought 4 more 20" x 24" canvases.... I am excited!! Here is the painting, my first crack at this... not sure if I want constructive critisism or what, but here it is!
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Day 96 and a half
Ok, so I deleted my post on accident. I really wanted to share about it though! So I decided to do it again! Joy!
Ok, so on Tuesday, I was totally looking forward to an evening of Tang So Do and my scheduled plans for the evening, when my boss informed me of a business dinner I should attend. I actually thought for a second about how I hate doing anything that is not "my plan", and actually toook a few seconds before telling my boss that, yes, I would attend. Usually, in times past, I declined and turned down many "business networking" opportunities.
Anyhow, the point is, I actually saw the light. I am slowly coming to the realization, that if my plan for one night does not work out as I planned, that it is no big deal, and that I should actually enjoy these opportunities I am receiving. Generally I do my thing, my way, after work. Whether it be AA, Martial Arts, Working Out, Reading, or watching TV, I usually do what I want in the evenings, and it use to be very very hard to do anything for or with anyone I didn't want to or previously plan to... unless I was drinking of course! Take the drink away, and I really am a stubborn guy.
I noticed on Tuesday, these feelings, and just let it go. I ended up going to this dinner, where everyone was drinking, except me. Not a problem. And funny thing, noone said anything about me not drinking. I must have been the only person to notice! The firm who took us out to dinner, took us to the "Columbia" restaurant in Ybor City. Very posh, very nice. They spent $2,000 on us, 4 people from my company, and 3 from theirs. Basically, they were trying to wine and dine us to get our business. Very fun guys and a good time. I was a bit tired though, didn't get home till 10:00pm, and then had to get up early the next day.
A coworker of mine, called in sick the next day. She later confided in me that she stayed out with the other folks from that evening until 4:00am and could not come in because she was so hung over. I was smiling on the inside, as I know exactly what she is talking about!
Wednesday, I had another meeting late in the evening down in Bradenton, which I had to attend. This one was far less exciting, and amounted to a bunch of citizens complaining about road way improvements, of which they had no control, to staff members at the County. Fun stuff. I got home around 9:00pm last night, and was just pooped. 2 late nights at the office, 2 nights which were not my plan, 2 nights on someone elses plan wore me out, and I basically really was out of it when trying to figure out what to do with myself last night. I did nothing, and went to bed.
Today I feel good. Just happy I enjoyed those previous evenings to the best of my ability when the old me was screaming "Do my plan!! Not theirs!!"
Slowly I am learning to enjoy other people, and get out of myself.
All do to my HP of course.
Ok, so on Tuesday, I was totally looking forward to an evening of Tang So Do and my scheduled plans for the evening, when my boss informed me of a business dinner I should attend. I actually thought for a second about how I hate doing anything that is not "my plan", and actually toook a few seconds before telling my boss that, yes, I would attend. Usually, in times past, I declined and turned down many "business networking" opportunities.
Anyhow, the point is, I actually saw the light. I am slowly coming to the realization, that if my plan for one night does not work out as I planned, that it is no big deal, and that I should actually enjoy these opportunities I am receiving. Generally I do my thing, my way, after work. Whether it be AA, Martial Arts, Working Out, Reading, or watching TV, I usually do what I want in the evenings, and it use to be very very hard to do anything for or with anyone I didn't want to or previously plan to... unless I was drinking of course! Take the drink away, and I really am a stubborn guy.
I noticed on Tuesday, these feelings, and just let it go. I ended up going to this dinner, where everyone was drinking, except me. Not a problem. And funny thing, noone said anything about me not drinking. I must have been the only person to notice! The firm who took us out to dinner, took us to the "Columbia" restaurant in Ybor City. Very posh, very nice. They spent $2,000 on us, 4 people from my company, and 3 from theirs. Basically, they were trying to wine and dine us to get our business. Very fun guys and a good time. I was a bit tired though, didn't get home till 10:00pm, and then had to get up early the next day.
A coworker of mine, called in sick the next day. She later confided in me that she stayed out with the other folks from that evening until 4:00am and could not come in because she was so hung over. I was smiling on the inside, as I know exactly what she is talking about!
Wednesday, I had another meeting late in the evening down in Bradenton, which I had to attend. This one was far less exciting, and amounted to a bunch of citizens complaining about road way improvements, of which they had no control, to staff members at the County. Fun stuff. I got home around 9:00pm last night, and was just pooped. 2 late nights at the office, 2 nights which were not my plan, 2 nights on someone elses plan wore me out, and I basically really was out of it when trying to figure out what to do with myself last night. I did nothing, and went to bed.
Today I feel good. Just happy I enjoyed those previous evenings to the best of my ability when the old me was screaming "Do my plan!! Not theirs!!"
Slowly I am learning to enjoy other people, and get out of myself.
All do to my HP of course.
Day 96
Ok, now I am just pissed. I just wrote a great-hunky-doory post about how great the day was, how I was really busy at work, and how I went to a couple work meetings after hours, and how it all went great... and then I deleted the whole damn thing. What a damn farse!
Any how, I am having a great day! Hope you all are too. Maybe next time eh?
Peace
Any how, I am having a great day! Hope you all are too. Maybe next time eh?
Peace
Monday, December 4, 2006
Day number 93
Day number 93 and... I don't really feel like drinking at all.
This weekend was good, mostly hit all of my meetings except for the Sunday night one, which seemed to be cancelled do to the church's activities last night.
I spent some time at home, as is usual, and dwelt a little bit on the third step prayer. It seems that daily, I am having trouble turning over certain things to my HP. Work for instance is a big one... but there is more to it than just that. I think maybe I am unhappy with myself and my past choices in my life. So in this respect, I need to turn that over to my HP, and be happy with me as I am.
I was thinking about that this weekend, and again this morning. I kinda every now and then started telling myself "I am happy with me!", "I am ok with me as I am!". This seems to help. It's like I am always thinking ahead to the future, what if this, what if that... This all needs to be turned over.
How can I do that on a daily basis?
Today I am grateful for:
My mom
My brother
My sister
My cats
My home
My car
My bicycle
My coffee cup
My health
My body
Being able to help out Friday and Saturday night
Hanging out with some other AA's over the weekend
These tools which slowly but surely I am learning to use ever so more often then the day, week, or month before
This weekend was good, mostly hit all of my meetings except for the Sunday night one, which seemed to be cancelled do to the church's activities last night.
I spent some time at home, as is usual, and dwelt a little bit on the third step prayer. It seems that daily, I am having trouble turning over certain things to my HP. Work for instance is a big one... but there is more to it than just that. I think maybe I am unhappy with myself and my past choices in my life. So in this respect, I need to turn that over to my HP, and be happy with me as I am.
I was thinking about that this weekend, and again this morning. I kinda every now and then started telling myself "I am happy with me!", "I am ok with me as I am!". This seems to help. It's like I am always thinking ahead to the future, what if this, what if that... This all needs to be turned over.
How can I do that on a daily basis?
Today I am grateful for:
My mom
My brother
My sister
My cats
My home
My car
My bicycle
My coffee cup
My health
My body
Being able to help out Friday and Saturday night
Hanging out with some other AA's over the weekend
These tools which slowly but surely I am learning to use ever so more often then the day, week, or month before
Friday, December 1, 2006
Day 90!
Yea! Today I pick up my 90 day chip!
Recently I have found that at the office I have been extremely crazy and self-seeking, judging from previous posts and the help of you folks! So today I prayed quite a bit, asking God to remove my self seeking ways, and praying for him to take care of all of the things that I don't need to control although I'd like to.
Specifically, with work. Sometimes I don't agree with my boss, fear picking up the phone, or worst yet: fear this weekly Friday meeting with the Regional President!! Agghh!! Ok, it's not that bad. I asked God to help me out here, to take away my worries... and guess what? I actually worked my ass off today, and feel pretty darn confident of this meeting.
I am still scared shitless, but I am sure my HP will help me through it.
Today is 90 days, and I am grateful to have woken up sober today and to remain sober throughout the day and night! I am grateful for everything!
Like:
My cats
My house
My job
My family
My sobriety
My AA friends
My friends... in AA
And naturally, I am just happy to be alive!
Peace to you all
Recently I have found that at the office I have been extremely crazy and self-seeking, judging from previous posts and the help of you folks! So today I prayed quite a bit, asking God to remove my self seeking ways, and praying for him to take care of all of the things that I don't need to control although I'd like to.
Specifically, with work. Sometimes I don't agree with my boss, fear picking up the phone, or worst yet: fear this weekly Friday meeting with the Regional President!! Agghh!! Ok, it's not that bad. I asked God to help me out here, to take away my worries... and guess what? I actually worked my ass off today, and feel pretty darn confident of this meeting.
I am still scared shitless, but I am sure my HP will help me through it.
Today is 90 days, and I am grateful to have woken up sober today and to remain sober throughout the day and night! I am grateful for everything!
Like:
My cats
My house
My job
My family
My sobriety
My AA friends
My friends... in AA
And naturally, I am just happy to be alive!
Peace to you all
Monday, November 27, 2006
Day number 86!
Day number 86!!!
I am sober today! And back from California! I had a great time! I saw my step-sister and her beautiful kids, all 5 of them! I saw my Step-mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my step-aunt, step-cousin, and step-grand mother!
Lots of people, mostly saw them all on Thanksgiving and on Friday! I don't believe I have ever gone out there and stayed sober before! I use to drink all of their wine, and/or bought myself a fifth of whiskey to tide me over for my stay. Not this time! I woke up early, and with a clear head, I enjoyed my family, which is a first, and I played with the kids, which surprised even myself!
I found myself looking forward to playing with those kids then I did anything else! My neices and nephew are 16, 13, 7,7, and 6 years old. So, as you can imagine, a lot of fun! The two older ones are all grown up, which is cool, seeing them grow, the younger ones were just hilarious and too much fun. I have tons of pictures and video, so all is good. I think I pretty much documented the entire day with them!
I am so thankful I was able to enjoy my family this past weekend, sober. If I was not sober, I would have been one unhappy camper. Thank you so much!
I am even grateful to experience jet lag on the trip home, and not drink over it. As I sufferred through the headache last night and shear blahness from the 12 hour travel day, I realized that that too shall pass! And it did, well, almost. I still feel kinda blah, but naturally, that too shall pass!
I can't believe how much I enjoyed my family, I really am soooo blessed to have all of them in my life, even though they live 3,000 miles away!
I am sober today! And back from California! I had a great time! I saw my step-sister and her beautiful kids, all 5 of them! I saw my Step-mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my step-aunt, step-cousin, and step-grand mother!
Lots of people, mostly saw them all on Thanksgiving and on Friday! I don't believe I have ever gone out there and stayed sober before! I use to drink all of their wine, and/or bought myself a fifth of whiskey to tide me over for my stay. Not this time! I woke up early, and with a clear head, I enjoyed my family, which is a first, and I played with the kids, which surprised even myself!
I found myself looking forward to playing with those kids then I did anything else! My neices and nephew are 16, 13, 7,7, and 6 years old. So, as you can imagine, a lot of fun! The two older ones are all grown up, which is cool, seeing them grow, the younger ones were just hilarious and too much fun. I have tons of pictures and video, so all is good. I think I pretty much documented the entire day with them!
I am so thankful I was able to enjoy my family this past weekend, sober. If I was not sober, I would have been one unhappy camper. Thank you so much!
I am even grateful to experience jet lag on the trip home, and not drink over it. As I sufferred through the headache last night and shear blahness from the 12 hour travel day, I realized that that too shall pass! And it did, well, almost. I still feel kinda blah, but naturally, that too shall pass!
I can't believe how much I enjoyed my family, I really am soooo blessed to have all of them in my life, even though they live 3,000 miles away!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Day number 81!
I have been pretty darn good lately.
Today, my older brother and I will get on a plane headed towards California! I love traveling! It is a great time to catch up on all the reading I have been missing out on! I should probably bring atleast two books and two magazines, otherwise I will end up buying a book at the airport! Agh! And we don't want to do that, inflated prices and all...
Being with my Dad's side of the family is usually pretty safe as far as drinking goes, not too much insanity in that side of the family. Regardless of that, I would like to try to hit atleast one Cali meeting.
One thing I am wondering about... I told my dad last year that I was going to AA meetings, I don't think I ever told him I am an alcoholic, or even mentioned that I had a problem. My dad probably has no clue, and neither does my step mom as to me ever having a problem. I was always successful enough in business that they really probably didn't percieve anything to be wrong. When around them, I just didn't drink usually...
That being said. Should I tell them? If so, how? I don't want them to worry about me, or think they have to act any different around me. Anywhooo, I will be sure to ask my sponsor and other AA friends about this.
Peace!
Today, my older brother and I will get on a plane headed towards California! I love traveling! It is a great time to catch up on all the reading I have been missing out on! I should probably bring atleast two books and two magazines, otherwise I will end up buying a book at the airport! Agh! And we don't want to do that, inflated prices and all...
Being with my Dad's side of the family is usually pretty safe as far as drinking goes, not too much insanity in that side of the family. Regardless of that, I would like to try to hit atleast one Cali meeting.
One thing I am wondering about... I told my dad last year that I was going to AA meetings, I don't think I ever told him I am an alcoholic, or even mentioned that I had a problem. My dad probably has no clue, and neither does my step mom as to me ever having a problem. I was always successful enough in business that they really probably didn't percieve anything to be wrong. When around them, I just didn't drink usually...
That being said. Should I tell them? If so, how? I don't want them to worry about me, or think they have to act any different around me. Anywhooo, I will be sure to ask my sponsor and other AA friends about this.
Peace!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Day number 80!
Day number 80!
Yesterday, I must say, I had a pretty darn good day. I went home after work, made some food and watched the boob tube. I started feeling slightly off, and almost felt like just going to sleep.
Instead, I went to a meeting, which had been moved to another church do to fumigating, or something to that effect.
Then I went to the starbucks, after the meeting and hung out with some other AAs. I had not called anyone to meet me up there, but felt like I needed to stay out of my house, and around people. So when I showed up at the "buck", low and behold.. .there was Mark, chilling outside. He doesn't even live over here, so that was def my HP working for me. After a while, Jeff showed up, and then Megan, and then Jen, and then Theo! My god! All of these people! My night was truly blessed. That is pretty much my post for the day!
I must say, Megan was looking quite fine. Although I know I am only sober 80 days, I can't help but think about the possibility.... I could tell she was into me, but that naturally changed when she heard I only had 80 days. Just a small change in her demeanor, a small change in her body language. Very interesting, but not unexpected.
Not that I should be dating anyone anywhooo, you all know how that goes. I couldn't help but just feel really good about myself last night, socializing and hanging out. Girls interested in me and all that. Although nothing will come of it, as that would probably go against her program and mine. I just was glad I didn't stay home, and would like to continue trying to hang out with people after work, rather than my lonesome.
It is very hard for me to get out after hours, as I love my home and my loner-self. I need to take my sponsor's advice, and try to enjoy the people in this program. I can not do that if I am always at home, work, or in-between.
Laters!!
Today I am grateful:
For thanksgiving coming up so quick!
I will see my dad in 1 day!
California dreaming!
Our trip tomorrow!
AA in California!
My friends in AA
My friends in AA
My job
My cats
My mom
My sister
My brother
My dad
My family
Today
Yesterday, I must say, I had a pretty darn good day. I went home after work, made some food and watched the boob tube. I started feeling slightly off, and almost felt like just going to sleep.
Instead, I went to a meeting, which had been moved to another church do to fumigating, or something to that effect.
Then I went to the starbucks, after the meeting and hung out with some other AAs. I had not called anyone to meet me up there, but felt like I needed to stay out of my house, and around people. So when I showed up at the "buck", low and behold.. .there was Mark, chilling outside. He doesn't even live over here, so that was def my HP working for me. After a while, Jeff showed up, and then Megan, and then Jen, and then Theo! My god! All of these people! My night was truly blessed. That is pretty much my post for the day!
I must say, Megan was looking quite fine. Although I know I am only sober 80 days, I can't help but think about the possibility.... I could tell she was into me, but that naturally changed when she heard I only had 80 days. Just a small change in her demeanor, a small change in her body language. Very interesting, but not unexpected.
Not that I should be dating anyone anywhooo, you all know how that goes. I couldn't help but just feel really good about myself last night, socializing and hanging out. Girls interested in me and all that. Although nothing will come of it, as that would probably go against her program and mine. I just was glad I didn't stay home, and would like to continue trying to hang out with people after work, rather than my lonesome.
It is very hard for me to get out after hours, as I love my home and my loner-self. I need to take my sponsor's advice, and try to enjoy the people in this program. I can not do that if I am always at home, work, or in-between.
Laters!!
Today I am grateful:
For thanksgiving coming up so quick!
I will see my dad in 1 day!
California dreaming!
Our trip tomorrow!
AA in California!
My friends in AA
My friends in AA
My job
My cats
My mom
My sister
My brother
My dad
My family
Today
Monday, November 20, 2006
Day number 79!
My lord, 79 days sober!
Wow. That's all I have to say about that.
I know things in sobreity tend to go up and down like a roller coaster, and lately that has been the case. I am happy, I am sad, I am crazy, I am serene, I am basically insane, yet generally pretty darn good. This weekend during a meeting I began to fantasize about drinking, and thought about how good it would feel to have that warm fuzzy feeling again. Then I realized what I was thinking and immediately refocused onto the meeting.
I don't like it when I think thoughts like that. It seems like my subconscious is trying to plant seeds in my head, and when those seeds are planted my conscious mind takes over and grows them into gigantic trees that will eventually tip the balance.
It is good to know that I am not alone, and that these thoughts are normal for people like us. This to shall pass, and naturally it did. But I won't stop there, I need to pray about this.
Sooo, new prayer for today!
"God, thank you for keeping me sober today. Please grant me the willingness to be willing to not pickup a drink today. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove...."
You get the picture. Clearly this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful. We do not have to pickup a drink today, or ever for that matter. One day at a time. I am not alone, you are not alone. Together we will overcome!
Wow. That's all I have to say about that.
I know things in sobreity tend to go up and down like a roller coaster, and lately that has been the case. I am happy, I am sad, I am crazy, I am serene, I am basically insane, yet generally pretty darn good. This weekend during a meeting I began to fantasize about drinking, and thought about how good it would feel to have that warm fuzzy feeling again. Then I realized what I was thinking and immediately refocused onto the meeting.
I don't like it when I think thoughts like that. It seems like my subconscious is trying to plant seeds in my head, and when those seeds are planted my conscious mind takes over and grows them into gigantic trees that will eventually tip the balance.
It is good to know that I am not alone, and that these thoughts are normal for people like us. This to shall pass, and naturally it did. But I won't stop there, I need to pray about this.
Sooo, new prayer for today!
"God, thank you for keeping me sober today. Please grant me the willingness to be willing to not pickup a drink today. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove...."
You get the picture. Clearly this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful. We do not have to pickup a drink today, or ever for that matter. One day at a time. I am not alone, you are not alone. Together we will overcome!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Day number 76
Your totally right Daave. I even heard that shared at a meeting this week, and "chose" not to hear it. My negative attitude towards work needs to be adjusted... and probably is negative to begin with because I am being selfish in some way.
In order to feel good and not be such a selfish, daft, fool I should speak positively about my work. It's hard, but I think since we identify that issue, me always trashing my job, now I can take some action to think a bit more positively.
Did I mention project management ain't so bad? Some good things about my job:
I get paid alot.
I make important decisions
I accomplish things
People want to be included in our "deals"
I have the ear of our President
My boss loves me
I have great coworkers
My job mainly consists of taking notes, calling people, going to meetings, and shooting emails... Very easy.
In order to feel good and not be such a selfish, daft, fool I should speak positively about my work. It's hard, but I think since we identify that issue, me always trashing my job, now I can take some action to think a bit more positively.
Did I mention project management ain't so bad? Some good things about my job:
I get paid alot.
I make important decisions
I accomplish things
People want to be included in our "deals"
I have the ear of our President
My boss loves me
I have great coworkers
My job mainly consists of taking notes, calling people, going to meetings, and shooting emails... Very easy.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Day numero 75!
Just a quick update this morning.
Today I have 75 days!! So thats almost 11 weeks! Very cool, sometimes even scary. I don't want to drink, and know I don't ever have to, but every now and then I get a thought or an image, the obsession lurks behind every corner!
I imagine only an alcoholic could possibly know what I am talking about.
Any how, today is a good day. I feel a little peeved because I need to read a chapter in the Big Book, and do some questions for my big book study tonight... but I don't have any damn time to do it! Well, I could probably steal away for an hour at work today to do it or just do it before Tang So Do tonight, regardless, I meant to get it all done last night, but ended up staying in and messing around on the computer, watching tv, and reading...
I know, I know, I am suffering now because I was lazy and didn't do it yesterday. Funny thing though, I don't think suffering is the right word. I think I am just over-analysing the situation as usual. It takes less than an hour to get caught up in the big book study. No sense in being to hard on myself! I actually enjoy doing the work too, so it's not like it's a chore. I do it because I want to do it. And every time, every week, I grow a little more. Just wish I did it last night is all.
Busy today at work. Very busy. Project Management sucks a big one, but I think that is good, because when I am idle, my mind becomes a big cluster f-ck, and my thinking tends to go to the insanity.
Today I am grateful:
For my car
My house
My two pertty little kitt cats
My job
My job
My job
AA
My friends in AA
My friends outside of AA
My mom
My family
Everything!!!
Today I have 75 days!! So thats almost 11 weeks! Very cool, sometimes even scary. I don't want to drink, and know I don't ever have to, but every now and then I get a thought or an image, the obsession lurks behind every corner!
I imagine only an alcoholic could possibly know what I am talking about.
Any how, today is a good day. I feel a little peeved because I need to read a chapter in the Big Book, and do some questions for my big book study tonight... but I don't have any damn time to do it! Well, I could probably steal away for an hour at work today to do it or just do it before Tang So Do tonight, regardless, I meant to get it all done last night, but ended up staying in and messing around on the computer, watching tv, and reading...
I know, I know, I am suffering now because I was lazy and didn't do it yesterday. Funny thing though, I don't think suffering is the right word. I think I am just over-analysing the situation as usual. It takes less than an hour to get caught up in the big book study. No sense in being to hard on myself! I actually enjoy doing the work too, so it's not like it's a chore. I do it because I want to do it. And every time, every week, I grow a little more. Just wish I did it last night is all.
Busy today at work. Very busy. Project Management sucks a big one, but I think that is good, because when I am idle, my mind becomes a big cluster f-ck, and my thinking tends to go to the insanity.
Today I am grateful:
For my car
My house
My two pertty little kitt cats
My job
My job
My job
AA
My friends in AA
My friends outside of AA
My mom
My family
Everything!!!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Day 74
It still amazes me how I don't feel much like working... ever. I don't like doing things, unless someone has a gun pointed at my head and is ready to pull the trigger. Case in point: I was sittting around, thinking of everything I needed to do, and not doing anything. Then, I talked to this girl in my office about what she needed from me. She said "I need these documents and I need them by Friday" I went back to my desk and made the phone calls I was procrastinating about.
Why do I not feel like working? Why do I act the sloth? Am I not grateful or something?
Well, as you well know, this is an issue that continues to crop up. I feel like I am making progress though, reading through some of my old posts... man like 6 months ago, I don't know what the heck I was thinking!! Work wise and life wise. Like, I know today I am great. Work is great, I am getting things done, even if I don't really feel like it, and with a tiny bit of sloth. (Thanks for the new word Dave!) One thing I do realize, I hate it when people ask me to do stuff for them. Is that weird or what? Maybe I am meant to be my own boss, my own business someday???? I don't know. Any how, I am great today and look forward to a great evening filled with AA fun!
Peace!
Why do I not feel like working? Why do I act the sloth? Am I not grateful or something?
Well, as you well know, this is an issue that continues to crop up. I feel like I am making progress though, reading through some of my old posts... man like 6 months ago, I don't know what the heck I was thinking!! Work wise and life wise. Like, I know today I am great. Work is great, I am getting things done, even if I don't really feel like it, and with a tiny bit of sloth. (Thanks for the new word Dave!) One thing I do realize, I hate it when people ask me to do stuff for them. Is that weird or what? Maybe I am meant to be my own boss, my own business someday???? I don't know. Any how, I am great today and look forward to a great evening filled with AA fun!
Peace!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Day 73!
Day number 73 I think!
Um, so does anyone else think they have ADD? I was sitting around last night, after my meeting, at home watching TV and think I may have realized something huge. Well, not so huge as it is an annoyance, but I think I have ADD. I am not trying to self diagnose my self, and am not looking for medicine or anything, just an "underlying suspicion".
It's like, whenever I am doing something, I think about doing something else. Whatever project I decide to work on, or whatever thing I read or study, I think about what else I want to study or read. At night, this particularly bugs me. It's like there are all these things I want to do, and want to do it now. I have 3 or 4 books I am kinda sorta reading, 3 magazines I pick up every once in a while, 2 news papers I try to read at lunch, computer games I'd like to play, Playstation games I'd like to play, and TV I'd like to watch. And naturally, AA meetings and friends I want to hang out with.
Last night I was watching TV, but couldn't decide on wether I should read, play PS2, go to bed, begin to write a novel (ok, this is new for me, but have been thinking about it) or watch the boob tube. It bugged me until I finally went sleepy.
During the day sometimes, I think about what I'd like to do with my life in general. I get all sorts of crazy ideas like; move to Baltimore, move to Indiana, move to Alaska, move somewhere, work as a teacher, work as a garbage man, work in a park, go back to school for finance, go back to school for computers, go back to school for history... all sorts of weird fantasies... This is pretty much my internal going ons... and it feels like maybe I need to let most of it go, and focus on AA. Are these thoughts normal? Did drinking supress all these ideas? What do I do about them? How do I focus on one thing, one goal? Well, these are just rantings and ravings. I am pretty sure the answer is to focus on staying sober one day at a time, and getting involved in AA.
Any thoughts on the ADD, can't seem to stick to one past time thing... would be much appreciated.
Laters!!
Um, so does anyone else think they have ADD? I was sitting around last night, after my meeting, at home watching TV and think I may have realized something huge. Well, not so huge as it is an annoyance, but I think I have ADD. I am not trying to self diagnose my self, and am not looking for medicine or anything, just an "underlying suspicion".
It's like, whenever I am doing something, I think about doing something else. Whatever project I decide to work on, or whatever thing I read or study, I think about what else I want to study or read. At night, this particularly bugs me. It's like there are all these things I want to do, and want to do it now. I have 3 or 4 books I am kinda sorta reading, 3 magazines I pick up every once in a while, 2 news papers I try to read at lunch, computer games I'd like to play, Playstation games I'd like to play, and TV I'd like to watch. And naturally, AA meetings and friends I want to hang out with.
Last night I was watching TV, but couldn't decide on wether I should read, play PS2, go to bed, begin to write a novel (ok, this is new for me, but have been thinking about it) or watch the boob tube. It bugged me until I finally went sleepy.
During the day sometimes, I think about what I'd like to do with my life in general. I get all sorts of crazy ideas like; move to Baltimore, move to Indiana, move to Alaska, move somewhere, work as a teacher, work as a garbage man, work in a park, go back to school for finance, go back to school for computers, go back to school for history... all sorts of weird fantasies... This is pretty much my internal going ons... and it feels like maybe I need to let most of it go, and focus on AA. Are these thoughts normal? Did drinking supress all these ideas? What do I do about them? How do I focus on one thing, one goal? Well, these are just rantings and ravings. I am pretty sure the answer is to focus on staying sober one day at a time, and getting involved in AA.
Any thoughts on the ADD, can't seem to stick to one past time thing... would be much appreciated.
Laters!!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Day 72... Monday!!
My god it's Monday morning, I have been in the office a whole 45 minutes, and I totally do not want to be here. I am tired, cranky, and did I say tired? Just kinda Mondayish if you know what I mean. There is a whole bunch of stuff that needs to get done, and once I start working on it, I am sure things will get better... like when 5:00 pm rolls around... :)
This weekend was a good weekend. Not too much to report. I found someone to help make coffee when I am gone next week. Yesterday I kinda sorta stayed in my house from 5:00 - 10:00, and I think that may have been a mistake which I am paying for right now. Kinda still in my head and none to positive. Does that make sense?
Well, no sense in living in the past! Gotta stay here and look at my own two feet and realize that all life is is the here and now! Tonight, I will go to my home group and check in, all is well, my HP is taking care of me!
Today I am grateful for:
The sun
The wind
The rain
The snow
My sobriety
I am sober
My sobriety
My job
My job
My responsibilities
My job one more time
My big book study group
My commitments
My family
My cats
My house
My car
My body
My mind
My sobriety!!!
I am still sober!!!
This weekend was a good weekend. Not too much to report. I found someone to help make coffee when I am gone next week. Yesterday I kinda sorta stayed in my house from 5:00 - 10:00, and I think that may have been a mistake which I am paying for right now. Kinda still in my head and none to positive. Does that make sense?
Well, no sense in living in the past! Gotta stay here and look at my own two feet and realize that all life is is the here and now! Tonight, I will go to my home group and check in, all is well, my HP is taking care of me!
Today I am grateful for:
The sun
The wind
The rain
The snow
My sobriety
I am sober
My sobriety
My job
My job
My responsibilities
My job one more time
My big book study group
My commitments
My family
My cats
My house
My car
My body
My mind
My sobriety!!!
I am still sober!!!
Friday, November 10, 2006
Just give it away...
There's nothing in this house worth keeping, and we're both tired anyway, just give it away...
Yea, so you country music fans will recgonize those lyrics. Any how, I totally only had to say like 5 sentences in that meeting I was scared of, and now I am not so scared. Next week I think I will just let it go, and maybe I will have more to say with a little more confidence.
Bottom line is that it wasn't a big deal, and I sufferred all week because of it. Thank you God and all of you who help me get through this simple thing called life... sober!
I am grateful for... 5:00pm!!!
I gotta get out of here!! Thank you for the weekend!! And that coffee commitment and all that stuff.
Yea, so you country music fans will recgonize those lyrics. Any how, I totally only had to say like 5 sentences in that meeting I was scared of, and now I am not so scared. Next week I think I will just let it go, and maybe I will have more to say with a little more confidence.
Bottom line is that it wasn't a big deal, and I sufferred all week because of it. Thank you God and all of you who help me get through this simple thing called life... sober!
I am grateful for... 5:00pm!!!
I gotta get out of here!! Thank you for the weekend!! And that coffee commitment and all that stuff.
Thursday, November 9, 2006
Just letting it go... day 68
Well, the whole sister thing resolved itself. Kinda sorta just let that go, as I had no part in it.
So on to what's bugging me today! Work. As usual, freaking work. I need to turn it over to God, every time I do or get close to that peace feeling, something irks me. Right now, I am in total irrational fear about a meeting we are having tomorrow where I need to bring our Regional VP up to date on some projects that are my responsibility. Problem is, things aren't going the way I want them to, and therefor, there are delays... and I am scared shitless that the Pres. is going to look at me and see a failure, when there really is nothing I could have done in the first place. It's like there are always these deadlines that are impossible to meet, and then they blame us for not meeting them when they were too optimistic in the first place. Any how, I am sure it aint a big deal, but I need to let it go to God.
Today I am grateful for
My job
My cats
My tang so do
My sponsor
My AA friends
My AA friends
My sobriety
I am totally sober today!
This beautiful weather
My sobriety
That I live in such a great Country
AA
AA
AA
AA
Seriously, AA
So on to what's bugging me today! Work. As usual, freaking work. I need to turn it over to God, every time I do or get close to that peace feeling, something irks me. Right now, I am in total irrational fear about a meeting we are having tomorrow where I need to bring our Regional VP up to date on some projects that are my responsibility. Problem is, things aren't going the way I want them to, and therefor, there are delays... and I am scared shitless that the Pres. is going to look at me and see a failure, when there really is nothing I could have done in the first place. It's like there are always these deadlines that are impossible to meet, and then they blame us for not meeting them when they were too optimistic in the first place. Any how, I am sure it aint a big deal, but I need to let it go to God.
Today I am grateful for
My job
My cats
My tang so do
My sponsor
My AA friends
My AA friends
My sobriety
I am totally sober today!
This beautiful weather
My sobriety
That I live in such a great Country
AA
AA
AA
AA
Seriously, AA
Wednesday, November 8, 2006
Day number 67!
Here is a conversation between my brother and I about my sister. In advance, I am totally not trying to control the situation and am leaving it to God. Being family however, we do talk, and we do try to atleast make a suggestion or two and then let it be. The bold is my mom's instant message to my brother... he is typing it in to me. You can see the denial in her statements... agh!
My Brother [9:03 A.M.]: flying out to baltimore on the 25th and coming back on the 31 with jenny
My Brother [9:05 A.M.]: what r ur plans when u get there? are u staying with norma and heidel Me [9:10 A.M.]: Dec 22 - 29, i don't know, prob Normas as usual... may switch it up, but prob normas
My Brother [9:11 A.M.]: Norma felt one more time than that is it also kt knows she is a failure
"mom"
My Brother [9:12 A.M.]: she feels she is worth less......I hope by doing this she gets the self esteems she needs to succeed....otherwise she will have to come home"mom"
Me [9:12 A.M.]: kt knows she is a failure?
Me [9:12 A.M.]: i dont know man, she has a huge ego and extreme self centeredness
Me [9:13 A.M.]: i think its called denial
My Brother [9:13 A.M.]: thats what mom said she said about herself
Me [9:13 A.M.]: oh
Me [9:13 A.M.]: Kinda like Katies response to me... BS
Me [9:14 A.M.]: I talked to Norma, and she is just as miffed by this as you and i
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lets love her and pray for her to get better she cannot get worst jewish parents take care of their children and young adults if need be "mom"
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lol
Me [9:14 A.M.]: haha, that is her friend in miami, whos daughter is 40 and he still takes care of her
Me [9:14 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:14 A.M.]: She is looking for fucking support from people she knows will give it to her
My Brother [9:15 A.M.]: a friend of mind with adult kids told me he still pays for his daughter car at age 40 girls need more help than guys sometimes until a guy comes along to take care of her
Me [9:15 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:15 A.M.]: seee
Me [9:15 A.M.]: did you tell her to grow some fucking balls?
Me [9:16 A.M.]: no use trying, mom is just as in denial as katie is
My Brother [9:16 A.M.]: mom do u want to be that person thats fine and dandy but in my mind the way I was raised thats not right
Me [9:18 A.M.]: you know you can just copy and paste the entire convo
Me [9:18 A.M.]: instead of typing
My Brother [9:18 A.M.]: im calling moms help for kt a Charity
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:19 A.M.]: kt wants to start a charity for herself and shes doing well so far
Me [9:19 A.M.]: Oh thats right, isn't that what she is going to do in CA?
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:20 A.M.]: So she is the charity, I get it. Take care of Katie Charity!
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: She will drive out there with Chris and I will take care of her until Jan 31, 2007. The gal she will be living with sells real estate for a living. she told me a job will be available in her office shortly. she will try to get kt the job - lets hope kt takes the job
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: maybe kt likes girls
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: mom just sent that
Me [9:21 A.M.]: hahaha
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: i wouldnt be surprised if kt likes girls instead of boyz
Me [9:22 A.M.]: did mom say that?
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: the way she talks about mcquinn nstuff
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: yea
Me [9:22 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:22 A.M.]: that was a bit odd, all the "love" for mcquinn
My Brother [9:23 A.M.]: yae
Me [9:23 A.M.]: still doesnt change the fact that mom is enabling katie and katie is using mom
My Brother [9:24 A.M.]: yup
Me [9:27 A.M.]: well, appearently kt is coming tonight to pick up her stuff with chris. I told her and mom I won't be there, I have an AA meeting and gotta hang with my sponsor
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: she is
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: o
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: does she have a uhaul or something Me [9:27 A.M.]: thats what she told me..
My Brother [9:03 A.M.]: flying out to baltimore on the 25th and coming back on the 31 with jenny
My Brother [9:05 A.M.]: what r ur plans when u get there? are u staying with norma and heidel Me [9:10 A.M.]: Dec 22 - 29, i don't know, prob Normas as usual... may switch it up, but prob normas
My Brother [9:11 A.M.]: Norma felt one more time than that is it also kt knows she is a failure
"mom"
My Brother [9:12 A.M.]: she feels she is worth less......I hope by doing this she gets the self esteems she needs to succeed....otherwise she will have to come home"mom"
Me [9:12 A.M.]: kt knows she is a failure?
Me [9:12 A.M.]: i dont know man, she has a huge ego and extreme self centeredness
Me [9:13 A.M.]: i think its called denial
My Brother [9:13 A.M.]: thats what mom said she said about herself
Me [9:13 A.M.]: oh
Me [9:13 A.M.]: Kinda like Katies response to me... BS
Me [9:14 A.M.]: I talked to Norma, and she is just as miffed by this as you and i
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lets love her and pray for her to get better she cannot get worst jewish parents take care of their children and young adults if need be "mom"
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lol
Me [9:14 A.M.]: haha, that is her friend in miami, whos daughter is 40 and he still takes care of her
Me [9:14 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:14 A.M.]: She is looking for fucking support from people she knows will give it to her
My Brother [9:15 A.M.]: a friend of mind with adult kids told me he still pays for his daughter car at age 40 girls need more help than guys sometimes until a guy comes along to take care of her
Me [9:15 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:15 A.M.]: seee
Me [9:15 A.M.]: did you tell her to grow some fucking balls?
Me [9:16 A.M.]: no use trying, mom is just as in denial as katie is
My Brother [9:16 A.M.]: mom do u want to be that person thats fine and dandy but in my mind the way I was raised thats not right
Me [9:18 A.M.]: you know you can just copy and paste the entire convo
Me [9:18 A.M.]: instead of typing
My Brother [9:18 A.M.]: im calling moms help for kt a Charity
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:19 A.M.]: kt wants to start a charity for herself and shes doing well so far
Me [9:19 A.M.]: Oh thats right, isn't that what she is going to do in CA?
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:20 A.M.]: So she is the charity, I get it. Take care of Katie Charity!
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: She will drive out there with Chris and I will take care of her until Jan 31, 2007. The gal she will be living with sells real estate for a living. she told me a job will be available in her office shortly. she will try to get kt the job - lets hope kt takes the job
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: maybe kt likes girls
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: mom just sent that
Me [9:21 A.M.]: hahaha
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: i wouldnt be surprised if kt likes girls instead of boyz
Me [9:22 A.M.]: did mom say that?
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: the way she talks about mcquinn nstuff
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: yea
Me [9:22 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:22 A.M.]: that was a bit odd, all the "love" for mcquinn
My Brother [9:23 A.M.]: yae
Me [9:23 A.M.]: still doesnt change the fact that mom is enabling katie and katie is using mom
My Brother [9:24 A.M.]: yup
Me [9:27 A.M.]: well, appearently kt is coming tonight to pick up her stuff with chris. I told her and mom I won't be there, I have an AA meeting and gotta hang with my sponsor
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: she is
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: o
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: does she have a uhaul or something Me [9:27 A.M.]: thats what she told me..
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
Day 66: My family, enabling, resentment
Today I found out that my little sister has talked my mom into, once again, paying her way to Hollywood CA. This includes paying her rent which appearently is $1,200 a month. My sister, naturally, told my mom that she was going to hitch hike to CA if she did not get what she wanted... which includes the car my mom bought her 6 months ago. She also told my mom she was going to become homeless and live off the streets if my mom did not help her. She also probably employed the guilt trip and every other ploy she has used these last 3 years to weasle money from my mom.
I can not tell you how pissed I am about this. Can you imagine, your own sister, using your mother to pay her own way? Not working, ever, never holding a job, always being supported by your mother? My brother and I both work and do not ask our parents for anything, yet my little sister, who is 23 years old, continues to not work, to do absolutely nothing, and continues to act like my mother owes her something!
To boot, my mom is very caring, and easily manipulated. So it's easy to see how this will never end. Seriously, never. I don't think my mom will ever grow some fucking balls and learn to let her go. She continues to "try" to control my sister, who then turns that against her, demanding money and rent. Of course, this time my sister is "following her destiny, and plans on making MILLIONS of dollars out in Hollywood!"
Ok, call me a pessimist, but you have not EVER held a steady job for more than a month. Yea, your going to make it BIG out there. Geeze... freaking amazing how idiotic my sister is... and mother for supporting her. My sister gives a bad name to hippies everywhere. Seriously.
Which leads me to me. How do you deal with this? A part of me wants to tell my sister how I feel... which is basically becoming the "bad brother" and telling her straight up what I said above, which of course will lead to her hating my guts for the next year. The other part wants to shut up and not say a word, act like I have no clue what's going on. One part wants to tell my mom off, and to not talk to either of them indefinetly. I feel like me not saying anything is enabling. If I just do nothing, is that not like telling both of them it is ok to act like this??? I feel like if I do give my opinion I am breaking with the suggestions of these 12 steps. What should I do? Nothing? Say something? Make a suggestion? I have already made the suggestion to my mom, what I would do in her shoes, and kinda let it go at that. As far as my sister goes, I have not said anything yet... she still includes me in her blog circle, emailing me about how great it is looking for her destiny and all this other BS I find amusing. It's like she is on drugs. I know she had a problem in the past, but I don't think she has ever been a part of our circle.
Any whooo, thanks for letting me share!
I can not tell you how pissed I am about this. Can you imagine, your own sister, using your mother to pay her own way? Not working, ever, never holding a job, always being supported by your mother? My brother and I both work and do not ask our parents for anything, yet my little sister, who is 23 years old, continues to not work, to do absolutely nothing, and continues to act like my mother owes her something!
To boot, my mom is very caring, and easily manipulated. So it's easy to see how this will never end. Seriously, never. I don't think my mom will ever grow some fucking balls and learn to let her go. She continues to "try" to control my sister, who then turns that against her, demanding money and rent. Of course, this time my sister is "following her destiny, and plans on making MILLIONS of dollars out in Hollywood!"
Ok, call me a pessimist, but you have not EVER held a steady job for more than a month. Yea, your going to make it BIG out there. Geeze... freaking amazing how idiotic my sister is... and mother for supporting her. My sister gives a bad name to hippies everywhere. Seriously.
Which leads me to me. How do you deal with this? A part of me wants to tell my sister how I feel... which is basically becoming the "bad brother" and telling her straight up what I said above, which of course will lead to her hating my guts for the next year. The other part wants to shut up and not say a word, act like I have no clue what's going on. One part wants to tell my mom off, and to not talk to either of them indefinetly. I feel like me not saying anything is enabling. If I just do nothing, is that not like telling both of them it is ok to act like this??? I feel like if I do give my opinion I am breaking with the suggestions of these 12 steps. What should I do? Nothing? Say something? Make a suggestion? I have already made the suggestion to my mom, what I would do in her shoes, and kinda let it go at that. As far as my sister goes, I have not said anything yet... she still includes me in her blog circle, emailing me about how great it is looking for her destiny and all this other BS I find amusing. It's like she is on drugs. I know she had a problem in the past, but I don't think she has ever been a part of our circle.
Any whooo, thanks for letting me share!
Monday, November 6, 2006
Irrational fears and anxieties...
Man, I can totally feel the fear today. I have all of these irrational fears with my job. You see, my boss asked me this morning, that I include myself in the 4:00 weekly meeting on Friday with the Regional President. Sooooo, it will be me and the Regional in her office, and my boss and another guy conferanced in on the phone. I am none to excited about this. Why? Accountability comes to mind... low self esteem, and a general fear of my capabilities... did I mention low self esteem/self confidence?
I am sure it will be fine, but Iam just scared shitless about having to talk to the Regional President about stuff. It's like I don't mind reporting to my boss, but with her, I feel unworthy, out of sorts, and almost like a fraud. Kinda like I have this job, but am not qualified...
Well, I have had these feelings in the past, and when I end up meeting with the Regional President, it ends up going great and I always end up telling you how great it went and how good I feel. So I will get on back to work and try to just let it go. Any advice people, would be much appreciated... irrational fears and anxieties...
Peace!
I am sure it will be fine, but Iam just scared shitless about having to talk to the Regional President about stuff. It's like I don't mind reporting to my boss, but with her, I feel unworthy, out of sorts, and almost like a fraud. Kinda like I have this job, but am not qualified...
Well, I have had these feelings in the past, and when I end up meeting with the Regional President, it ends up going great and I always end up telling you how great it went and how good I feel. So I will get on back to work and try to just let it go. Any advice people, would be much appreciated... irrational fears and anxieties...
Peace!
Saturday, November 4, 2006
Day number 63
Well it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be! I needed some support from you all and others here in town, and ended up calling her and just coming out with it. She was none to happy about it... promptly hanging up on me after my suggestion to remain friends.
I feel so much better!
Well, it is Saturday, and a beautiful Saturday it is! I just wanted to say thank you, and I am off to enjoy the beauty of the weekend!
I am grateful today!
I feel so much better!
Well, it is Saturday, and a beautiful Saturday it is! I just wanted to say thank you, and I am off to enjoy the beauty of the weekend!
I am grateful today!
Friday, November 3, 2006
Day 62
What's bugging you today?
Me, well, I am trying to figure out how to let this girl go without hurting her feelings. Ok, well, I guess I really am just trying to get up the damn courage to call her and to tell her I am just not interested. It would be so much easier to just not call her ever again, but then I run the risk of being a total ass, and running into her I am sure. Well, that's what is on my mind today. I feel so bad!! Jesus, why do I get myself into these situations. This is actually wrecking my damn serenity right now. Don't feel like working or anything. I haven't "done" anything sexual with this girl, so it shouldn't be a big deal... but I sense that she likes me way more then me her. So this sucks.... errrr hrmph.. I need to call her and just tell her.
Dammit!
Still trying to get the strenght to do the next right thing here.
Damn...
Need to focus on mty sobriety!
Today I am thankful:
For my cats
My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
Everyone
Life
This beautiful day
My sobriety
My 63 days!
Today I am sober
Still sober!
I'm sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me, well, I am trying to figure out how to let this girl go without hurting her feelings. Ok, well, I guess I really am just trying to get up the damn courage to call her and to tell her I am just not interested. It would be so much easier to just not call her ever again, but then I run the risk of being a total ass, and running into her I am sure. Well, that's what is on my mind today. I feel so bad!! Jesus, why do I get myself into these situations. This is actually wrecking my damn serenity right now. Don't feel like working or anything. I haven't "done" anything sexual with this girl, so it shouldn't be a big deal... but I sense that she likes me way more then me her. So this sucks.... errrr hrmph.. I need to call her and just tell her.
Dammit!
Still trying to get the strenght to do the next right thing here.
Damn...
Need to focus on mty sobriety!
Today I am thankful:
For my cats
My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
Everyone
Life
This beautiful day
My sobriety
My 63 days!
Today I am sober
Still sober!
I'm sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 2, 2006
Of sloth and work... seven deadly sins
Maybe I should include a day counter so I don't have to keep typing it in as the subject... hmmm, maybe I will look that up.
Yesterday I shared with another alcoholic my feelings about work and such. He happened to be a psychaitrist, so that was cool. Basically it comes down to me and my ego. While at work, on shitty days, I live in self, and do not get out of it. The problem lies within, and only God can help to remove that. Daily, hourly and by the minute, at the office, I need to seperate myself from "the job", and do the job. My friend said the most important thing about work is seperating your self out of the equation and just doing the job. If you have a confrontation at the office, you remove your self from it, and react as the job requires. Usually I am cool with that, and do not react to any BS. My problem is that I am also lazy, and lazy because I am selfish. I must pray to have God help give me the willingness to do a good job, and to do my job to the best of my ability. So today, I pray, and tomorrow, and the next day.
I pray to God to give me the strength and the willingness to do my job.
Today I am GrAAteful
Yesterday I shared with another alcoholic my feelings about work and such. He happened to be a psychaitrist, so that was cool. Basically it comes down to me and my ego. While at work, on shitty days, I live in self, and do not get out of it. The problem lies within, and only God can help to remove that. Daily, hourly and by the minute, at the office, I need to seperate myself from "the job", and do the job. My friend said the most important thing about work is seperating your self out of the equation and just doing the job. If you have a confrontation at the office, you remove your self from it, and react as the job requires. Usually I am cool with that, and do not react to any BS. My problem is that I am also lazy, and lazy because I am selfish. I must pray to have God help give me the willingness to do a good job, and to do my job to the best of my ability. So today, I pray, and tomorrow, and the next day.
I pray to God to give me the strength and the willingness to do my job.
Today I am GrAAteful
Wednesday, November 1, 2006
Day number 60!!!!!
Edit...
-----------------------------------------------------
Man, it is hillarious how fast my day changes... I feel much better than I did earlier, because I have gotten a few things done, due to some "in your face" action here in the office. It also seems I need a constant fire under my ass or I feel unworthy, depressed, and unmotivated. What can I do to fix this? Or how can God help me fix this? I hate being lazy, and need constant direction. I wonder what needs to be done to help give me what I need in this business environment.
------------------------------------------------------
Earlier in the day....
60 days! Wow! It is amazing that God has given me this! I don't know how I have managed to stay sober, but surely it is because of God, and his love for me. Surely without him, I would not be sober today.
Some days are just so hard and stressful that it amazes me that I stay sober through it. Other days are so full of joy that I utterly try to hang on to that peacefulness until I fall asleep. Today is more of an inbetweener. On my 60th day, I'd like to just talk about what the recurring issue is in my life. No it's not women, money, or prestige. It is simply: work.
Work seems to be the recurring issue and theme in all of my posts dating back to November of last year and beyond. I have been unhappy with what I do for a living since almost a year after college, or about 2 and a half years ago. I left my last job during a heavy part of my drinking, and God gave me another opportunity to work in the same industry with a much better boss. I thought "Maybe it wasn't the job, maybe it was the boss." Well, clearly the boss had something to do with it, but primarily, it seems that the problem is with me. I am still prettty damn unhappy with my job. It's not every day, but every so often that these feelings surface. Its as if I have this problem which noone in the program seems to be able to help me with... although sometimes I wonder if I am just not listening as well as I should be. Also, I think I may be just ungrateful, and not living with God as I should. Like maybe I preach the program yet don't work it, and then place the blame on my job.
Maybe once again I am blaming my job for my restlessness and need to take some action, or maybe I am right to not like my job. How is one to know if it is God's will to stay or to go? Is God's will for me to be happy? Then surely if I am financially capable, I could try out different professions? I don't know, but people say not to change anything huge in the first year. So I will not do anything rash, and I will continue to try and pray to be useful to others at work and outside of work. I just can't help but wonder what my destiny is as far as work goes.
No matter how life is going, I don't have to pickup a drink for or over anything!
Today I am grateful for:
60 Sober days!
My two cute cats!
My family
Speaking of... gotta call my grand ma!
My job
My boss
My work
My house
My car
My job
My job
My sober
I am sober
My sobriety dammit! Totally grateful for my sobriety! Thank you for my sobriety!
-----------------------------------------------------
Man, it is hillarious how fast my day changes... I feel much better than I did earlier, because I have gotten a few things done, due to some "in your face" action here in the office. It also seems I need a constant fire under my ass or I feel unworthy, depressed, and unmotivated. What can I do to fix this? Or how can God help me fix this? I hate being lazy, and need constant direction. I wonder what needs to be done to help give me what I need in this business environment.
------------------------------------------------------
Earlier in the day....
60 days! Wow! It is amazing that God has given me this! I don't know how I have managed to stay sober, but surely it is because of God, and his love for me. Surely without him, I would not be sober today.
Some days are just so hard and stressful that it amazes me that I stay sober through it. Other days are so full of joy that I utterly try to hang on to that peacefulness until I fall asleep. Today is more of an inbetweener. On my 60th day, I'd like to just talk about what the recurring issue is in my life. No it's not women, money, or prestige. It is simply: work.
Work seems to be the recurring issue and theme in all of my posts dating back to November of last year and beyond. I have been unhappy with what I do for a living since almost a year after college, or about 2 and a half years ago. I left my last job during a heavy part of my drinking, and God gave me another opportunity to work in the same industry with a much better boss. I thought "Maybe it wasn't the job, maybe it was the boss." Well, clearly the boss had something to do with it, but primarily, it seems that the problem is with me. I am still prettty damn unhappy with my job. It's not every day, but every so often that these feelings surface. Its as if I have this problem which noone in the program seems to be able to help me with... although sometimes I wonder if I am just not listening as well as I should be. Also, I think I may be just ungrateful, and not living with God as I should. Like maybe I preach the program yet don't work it, and then place the blame on my job.
Maybe once again I am blaming my job for my restlessness and need to take some action, or maybe I am right to not like my job. How is one to know if it is God's will to stay or to go? Is God's will for me to be happy? Then surely if I am financially capable, I could try out different professions? I don't know, but people say not to change anything huge in the first year. So I will not do anything rash, and I will continue to try and pray to be useful to others at work and outside of work. I just can't help but wonder what my destiny is as far as work goes.
No matter how life is going, I don't have to pickup a drink for or over anything!
Today I am grateful for:
60 Sober days!
My two cute cats!
My family
Speaking of... gotta call my grand ma!
My job
My boss
My work
My house
My car
My job
My job
My sober
I am sober
My sobriety dammit! Totally grateful for my sobriety! Thank you for my sobriety!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Day number 58!
Day number 58 people!
Well, this morning started in typical Monday morning fashion... me negative and pissed cause my boss asked me to, god forbid, actually do something! Well, turns out that the whole day was extremely busy! That turned into a total blessing! It is now 5:00 pm, and I actually feel like I did something today! Well, I hope that feeling stays, and pray that tomorrow I will do equal amounts of good work. It actually feels good to be busy, you know?
Not much else to report, over the weekend I kinda sorta missed my Sunday meeting, so tonight, I am looking forward to my home group. I saw Laura on Friday night and again last night, I still don't know how I feel about her. She is kinda like that librarian type, very quite, reserved, and maybe even too reserved... which is different, and I am not sure if my ego is too big, if her reservedness turns me off, or if I am actually attracted to her... well, I know I am attracted to her physically, but mentally, I am having trouble connecting, it's almost like we are both quiet types, and not quite clicking. I don't want to write her off, because she is pretty, nice, reserved, smart... everything you look for, but sometimes my ego jumps in and I feel resentments... Hmmm... I am confused.... and rambling, well thats all for now.
Laters!
Well, this morning started in typical Monday morning fashion... me negative and pissed cause my boss asked me to, god forbid, actually do something! Well, turns out that the whole day was extremely busy! That turned into a total blessing! It is now 5:00 pm, and I actually feel like I did something today! Well, I hope that feeling stays, and pray that tomorrow I will do equal amounts of good work. It actually feels good to be busy, you know?
Not much else to report, over the weekend I kinda sorta missed my Sunday meeting, so tonight, I am looking forward to my home group. I saw Laura on Friday night and again last night, I still don't know how I feel about her. She is kinda like that librarian type, very quite, reserved, and maybe even too reserved... which is different, and I am not sure if my ego is too big, if her reservedness turns me off, or if I am actually attracted to her... well, I know I am attracted to her physically, but mentally, I am having trouble connecting, it's almost like we are both quiet types, and not quite clicking. I don't want to write her off, because she is pretty, nice, reserved, smart... everything you look for, but sometimes my ego jumps in and I feel resentments... Hmmm... I am confused.... and rambling, well thats all for now.
Laters!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Day 55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GRAATEFUL!
Today be day number 55 I believe!
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Day number 53!
I am supposed to meet up with my sponsor to work the 2nd step today. Hopefully he won't cancel on me. I think I will ride my bike up there since I enjoyed myself oh so much on Monday doing the same. Today, I had 2 meetings at work that kinda sorta threw me off, and I have not gotten much done besides staring at the ol' computer.
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Nice weather and grAAteful! Day 52!
I just had a thought. I am going to skip my Tang So Do class tonight, and go to a meeting, and then I am going to go to Barnes and Nobles and study the big book! I have been resting on my laurels... time to take some action, even though I feel like a bizzillion million million dollars.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Day number 51!
My Lord, day number 51! That indeed is an accomplishment!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Day number 48
Howdy ladies and felllas,
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Thursday, October 19, 2006
On the God Box: Day 47
I just typed a long post, and it totally got erased. I was goin to say that these posts seem like some sort of God Box, where we type to let something go and give it over to God. I love that.
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
On being overwhelmed
I seem to be a little overwhelmed at the moment... not really with work, but with the "after work life". I feel like I have taken on too much stuff and now think I need to rectify the situation. Well, actually, there really is nothing I can do about it. I have commitments to keep and things that I need to do this weekend. I need to just live in the moment and not think about all the things which I am committed to. I am just not use to having to do things and be accountable to others. Like Friday, I need to make coffee, but I also have to take care of my brother's dog, cause he is in a bind. Still gotta take care of the damn dog on Saturday, but have to take an exam which may be 4 hours long... then I told someone I'd go to the beach with them on Sunday.
It really aint that big of a deal. I just never ever ever ever make plans like this and now feel totally overwhelmed.
Well, that is all I have. I really need to just let go and let God.
God please help! I am grateful today for:
My job
My sobriety
My pet cats
My brother
My mom
My sister
My family
My friends
Laura
My coffee commitments
My dog commitment
My exam
Life in general
My job
My job
My sobriety
More sobriety
And more sobriety!!
Laters...
It really aint that big of a deal. I just never ever ever ever make plans like this and now feel totally overwhelmed.
Well, that is all I have. I really need to just let go and let God.
God please help! I am grateful today for:
My job
My sobriety
My pet cats
My brother
My mom
My sister
My family
My friends
Laura
My coffee commitments
My dog commitment
My exam
Life in general
My job
My job
My sobriety
More sobriety
And more sobriety!!
Laters...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Hump day! (Half way to 90)
Howdy folks! I believe I have 45 days today! Yea! Last night was tuff, I get kinda squirrelly sometimes when I don't go home after work and change... something about walking around in dress pants and a tie that messes with my head... kinda makes me pissed off because it isn't "what I normally do"... (control issues I am sure) Any whooo, I went to go make coffee at this meeting, and I was happy to do so, but I was rushed and did not have time to go home and change. So I get there, and walk in, and not one f-ing chair was in the room. So naturally, I put the coffee on, and set up all the chairs. But, I was soooo in my head over all the damn chairs not being where they were supposed to be. I spent the remainder of the night telling people about the damn chairs and how they pissed me off. Which was funny, cause I had this huge "in my head" resentment for these damn chairs! The whole meeting I was like "please God remove this resentment" It was sooo hard, but I was so pissed off, like the whole time untill I got home. Usually it's not a big deal, but I think still wearing my business clothes really pissed me off.
It kinda rolled into today as well... not the chairs, but just that feeling of resentment. Ya know?
I am grateful today
I am grateful today for being sober
I am grateful today for being sober
I am sooooober
Still sober
Totally greatful
Really, I am!
I am sober
I have friends
I have life
I have so much
I love life
I am sober
I am greatful
I am grateful for this beautiful weather !!! Go outside Jonathan!!!
It kinda rolled into today as well... not the chairs, but just that feeling of resentment. Ya know?
I am grateful today
I am grateful today for being sober
I am grateful today for being sober
I am sooooober
Still sober
Totally greatful
Really, I am!
I am sober
I have friends
I have life
I have so much
I love life
I am sober
I am greatful
I am grateful for this beautiful weather !!! Go outside Jonathan!!!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Day number 44
Wow, turns out I have been so darn busy today at work I have not had the chance to give you all an update! Well, this weekend was great! I decided that, because I live in Florida, and since it was so damn beautiful out, I should go to the beach! So I did, and initially I was like "Should I go? I don't feel like driving! Then I may miss out... what about AA?? What about this or that or what I could be doing...." Basically, I stopped projecting and worrying about shit, and just went to the beach with my brother. Like a normal person. I had a blast! Just.. I am not use to doing things with people, period. You know? I hate doing any thing with anyone. Isolating has been a big part of my life since I was little. I know that inorder to live happy, joyous, and free, I need to give myself over to my HP, and enjoy my life. I need to stop this isolating nonsense... and get out and enjoy this short time I have on this planet!
Today I am grateful for:
My brother meeting me down in Sarasota
My cats
My job, I seem more busy today
Laura, who has given me a second chance
Matt, for calling me today and asking if I can fill in for him for coffee duty!
My job
My sobriety
My sobriety
My sobriety
Waking up sober
Waking up sober
I am so sober!!!
Today I am grateful for:
My brother meeting me down in Sarasota
My cats
My job, I seem more busy today
Laura, who has given me a second chance
Matt, for calling me today and asking if I can fill in for him for coffee duty!
My job
My sobriety
My sobriety
My sobriety
Waking up sober
Waking up sober
I am so sober!!!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Day number 41
So today all is well!
We had another corporate meeting this morning, which went great. I feel at peace. Not one person but myself is in the office this afternoon. I may just sit back and take a nappy in my chair. I can not wait for my coffee commitment tonight. I am in a fairly good mood. My mind is at ease... let us keep it that way!
I am grateful for:
My two precious kitty cats
My health
My job
My family
My stuff
My tang soo do
My job
My job
My job again
My sobriety
My sobriety
My inner peace
My inner peace
Go pray Jonathan...
We had another corporate meeting this morning, which went great. I feel at peace. Not one person but myself is in the office this afternoon. I may just sit back and take a nappy in my chair. I can not wait for my coffee commitment tonight. I am in a fairly good mood. My mind is at ease... let us keep it that way!
I am grateful for:
My two precious kitty cats
My health
My job
My family
My stuff
My tang soo do
My job
My job
My job again
My sobriety
My sobriety
My inner peace
My inner peace
Go pray Jonathan...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Day Numero 40
This is a long rant about mostly shit made up in my mind... just had to rant for a few minutes about stuff I know is not in my control....
My insane,codependent mother is driving me a little nuts this morning. She called to get reassurance that what she was doing was the right thing. Naturally I said I couldn't really tell her what to do but that I thought it was great that she was going through with it.
Then she says "oh I got to go"
5 minutes later... "that was 'so and so' (his name has been edited out), and he called to tell me how big a mistake I made, how everything was my fault and how I am missing out on the GRANDEST life of all" then she says "there is no business man as great as'so and so'!"!!!! I was like: "You hold one f-ing second, don't you ever give me that line of self depreciating bull shit. He is a f-ing ass hole and can go straight to hell. He is a f-ing loser, a shitty business man, and a f-cking ass hole! Don't f-ing pick up the god damn phone when he calls. He is a manipulitive little rat, and you buy into all of his controlling, narcistic, bull shit. He hates you, and he hurts you emotionally and is also robbing you blind."
Any whoooo, I think I said something along that line of thought, but I think it was toned down a bit. I was basically pissed cause she called all mopey and shit and then had the nerve to tell me He was a virtual God in her mind, even though they are getting divorced, he is a cheat, an asshole, and treats her lilke dirt. What fucking bull shit. I am soooooo not picking up the phone again today!
I did end the conversation nice, and said something along the lines of "you know what to do... do what makes you happy, talk to your attorney, life is good. BE GRATEFUL for everything good in life for christ's sake...." jesus aged fucking christ!
Co-dependent bull shit.
I am soooo happy I am sober today and not working for those crazy people any more.
My insane,codependent mother is driving me a little nuts this morning. She called to get reassurance that what she was doing was the right thing. Naturally I said I couldn't really tell her what to do but that I thought it was great that she was going through with it.
Then she says "oh I got to go"
5 minutes later... "that was 'so and so' (his name has been edited out), and he called to tell me how big a mistake I made, how everything was my fault and how I am missing out on the GRANDEST life of all" then she says "there is no business man as great as'so and so'!"!!!! I was like: "You hold one f-ing second, don't you ever give me that line of self depreciating bull shit. He is a f-ing ass hole and can go straight to hell. He is a f-ing loser, a shitty business man, and a f-cking ass hole! Don't f-ing pick up the god damn phone when he calls. He is a manipulitive little rat, and you buy into all of his controlling, narcistic, bull shit. He hates you, and he hurts you emotionally and is also robbing you blind."
Any whoooo, I think I said something along that line of thought, but I think it was toned down a bit. I was basically pissed cause she called all mopey and shit and then had the nerve to tell me He was a virtual God in her mind, even though they are getting divorced, he is a cheat, an asshole, and treats her lilke dirt. What fucking bull shit. I am soooooo not picking up the phone again today!
I did end the conversation nice, and said something along the lines of "you know what to do... do what makes you happy, talk to your attorney, life is good. BE GRATEFUL for everything good in life for christ's sake...." jesus aged fucking christ!
Co-dependent bull shit.
I am soooo happy I am sober today and not working for those crazy people any more.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
So I talked to my sponsor today about that whole roommate situation. He told me to nix the idea because I only have a month and he only has two months. Stupid me... I should have seen that one coming! Duh! Plus, I don't really need a roommy because I can afford my mortgage payment. So, I need to somehow tell Mike to find some thing else.
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Day number 39!
So I talked to my sponsor today about that whole roommate situation. He told me to nix the idea because I only have a month and he only has two months. Stupid me... I should have seen that one coming! Duh! Plus, I don't really need a roommy because I can afford my mortgage payment. So, I need to somehow tell Mike to find some thing else.
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Monday, October 9, 2006
Day number 37...
Hmmm Hrrrumph.
Can you guess what's bugging me today? Yet another beautiful day, and I am spending it inside my little office not really doing much of anything. I have some invoices here that need coding and signing... will probably do that in a sec. Just another day of me being unhappy at work. There are just so many things going through my head... it's a little nutty.
My friend Michael, who has about 2 months sober is looking for a room to rent. I told him I may have a place for him, he is all excited about it, naturally I am having second thoughts. He wants to come over and see my place tonight after work... so I will probably do that, and see how I feel. Problem with that whole thing is that I like living alone, and in my house I have a problem with sharing my space. So that probably won't pan out, but still it is causing undo stress thanks to me.
Other ideas like work and other jobs are kinda going through my head. I feel like I want to sell everything, move up north and become a park ranger or something. I just don't think I was meant to be behind a desk all day! Does any one else feel this way?
Any whoooo, I am insane. I am going to call my sponsor and be a good boy. I am sooooo depressing my self right now.
Maybe a gratitude list will help!?
I am grateful for:
My two perty cats
My mom finally getting a divorce... soon I hope
My brother
My sister
My brother's girlly friend and his relationship seems to be going well
My health
My car
My House
My karate classes, Tang Soo Do
My friends
That I even have friends or people who call me to hang out or rely on me
That Jeff just called and wants me to sub for him tonight as the coffee guru
That I still have a job even though I don't feel like I deserve it
My health
THat I am sober
I am totally sober
I am sober
Sober sober sober!!!
Can you guess what's bugging me today? Yet another beautiful day, and I am spending it inside my little office not really doing much of anything. I have some invoices here that need coding and signing... will probably do that in a sec. Just another day of me being unhappy at work. There are just so many things going through my head... it's a little nutty.
My friend Michael, who has about 2 months sober is looking for a room to rent. I told him I may have a place for him, he is all excited about it, naturally I am having second thoughts. He wants to come over and see my place tonight after work... so I will probably do that, and see how I feel. Problem with that whole thing is that I like living alone, and in my house I have a problem with sharing my space. So that probably won't pan out, but still it is causing undo stress thanks to me.
Other ideas like work and other jobs are kinda going through my head. I feel like I want to sell everything, move up north and become a park ranger or something. I just don't think I was meant to be behind a desk all day! Does any one else feel this way?
Any whoooo, I am insane. I am going to call my sponsor and be a good boy. I am sooooo depressing my self right now.
Maybe a gratitude list will help!?
I am grateful for:
My two perty cats
My mom finally getting a divorce... soon I hope
My brother
My sister
My brother's girlly friend and his relationship seems to be going well
My health
My car
My House
My karate classes, Tang Soo Do
My friends
That I even have friends or people who call me to hang out or rely on me
That Jeff just called and wants me to sub for him tonight as the coffee guru
That I still have a job even though I don't feel like I deserve it
My health
THat I am sober
I am totally sober
I am sober
Sober sober sober!!!
Friday, October 6, 2006
Day number 34!
Well being Friday today, I really don't have all that much to do... I am looking at the clock and it is about four forty in the afternoon... painfully close to five o'clock! I have to make coffee tonight at the 8:15 meeting... I am actually looking forward to that. Some times it feels so much easier to make coffee and be at a meeting rather than work. I have all these darn invoices sitting here on my desk... I wish all these different firms used the same damn accounting practices. Half of these guys must be morons, I have columns: Contract Amount, Percent Complete, Previous Complete, Contract Amount Complete. Not one f-ing column for, yes you guessed it, Amount Due this Invoice.
That would save me the time of using my damn calculator...
Any whooo... not that I need to really be complaining. Today is a glorious day, had actually gotten some work done, and feel pretty good. I can't wait to get some AA up in here this evening. I look forward to seeing everyone and doing some service work.
And that's all she wrote...
That would save me the time of using my damn calculator...
Any whooo... not that I need to really be complaining. Today is a glorious day, had actually gotten some work done, and feel pretty good. I can't wait to get some AA up in here this evening. I look forward to seeing everyone and doing some service work.
And that's all she wrote...
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Hallo!
Well today is surely one of those beautiful days where you just don't know what the heck to do with your self. I took a two hour lunch break, and ended up just enjoying the sunshine. I can't wait to get off work... I am going to rush back to the star buck and just sit a little while longer and do some step work.
All is well today. I must get back to work and stop the day dreaming.
All is well today. I must get back to work and stop the day dreaming.
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Peace and Serenity
So today I am doing alright. I asked my mom to leave, and leave she did. I feel way much better about it, although I am still in pseudo-recovery from her. :>) Seriously, I am still recovering from her being here. So today I am kinda blah blah, as my mind adjusts to the new found peace and tranquility. Tonight I have a meeting at 7:00. I look forward to going to get a coffee before hand, enjoying the beautiful weather, and doing some light reading.
Talk about f-ed up. Once again something has happened at work that makes no sense in my mind and goes against all of my negative, pessimistic thinking in regards to my job. They fired the VP down in our southern division today! So my boss comes in to my office and was like "yea, so I am going to be down in South Florida tomorrow, I am the new Regional VP" I was like, "no shit, are the laying anyone off?" He said, "No, if anything you are more valuable now then ever" I was like... all smiles, "Ok!"
That was like 10 minutes ago. I am still a bit depressed from my mom being here, so I shall be praying for God to remove that worry and try to focus on some of the positive things.
Best regards!
"When I see birches bend to left and right across the lines of straighter darker trees..."
Talk about f-ed up. Once again something has happened at work that makes no sense in my mind and goes against all of my negative, pessimistic thinking in regards to my job. They fired the VP down in our southern division today! So my boss comes in to my office and was like "yea, so I am going to be down in South Florida tomorrow, I am the new Regional VP" I was like, "no shit, are the laying anyone off?" He said, "No, if anything you are more valuable now then ever" I was like... all smiles, "Ok!"
That was like 10 minutes ago. I am still a bit depressed from my mom being here, so I shall be praying for God to remove that worry and try to focus on some of the positive things.
Best regards!
"When I see birches bend to left and right across the lines of straighter darker trees..."
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
Co-dependence
Happiness and Co-dependence:
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to move back in with me on Sunday, with the understanding that she would be out within a month. Well, naturally she did what she always does, nothing. She came in, and sat down, and waited for me to ask her how she was doing, and then proceeded to wait for me to tell her how to handle her divorce, tell her where she should live, tell her whether to buy or to sell, rent or own, shit or piss, work or not, where to work and all that other bull shit that I don't need to worry about.
I really am annoyed with the fact that my mother can't live her own damn life. I was totally unhappy when I got home last night (after picking up my 30 day chip). I got home, and there she was, in my space. Now, most of the time, this wouldn't be a big deal. But she is totally manic depressive, and acts like a baby. I usually read, play with my cats, watch TV, and just enjoy myself. Last night, I just sat there on the couch... kinda felt like I do when I have a girl over who I am not interested in, and waiting for her to leave. Sooo, around 10:30 I was getting a little pissy, thinking, "Jesus, is she just going to sit on the couch and wait for me to tell her to go to bed?" Sure enough, I said "I am going to bed" and naturally she said "oh me too!" Just as I thought, she was subconsciously waiting for me to tell her when it was ok for her to do something. Totally lame.
But wait! There is a happy ending to this story! I woke up this morning, still shitty that I had once again began "enabling" my mother. I knew this had to end, and she needed a little tough love. I wrote her an email and then called her within an hour of being at work. It went like this: "Mom, you need to either rent a place from someone else, other than me, or move back to one of your two condos. Those are your options, and I would like you to move out asap." There is no in between, no staying with me for 4 months like she did last time. Cut and dry, rent somewhere or go home! You can't sit around in my house feeling sorry for your self and not getting on with your life! I won't allow my serenity to be royally fucked like it was this pass summer. Did I mention that she is wealthy? If I had all the money she had, I would be living on a beach down in the Virgin Islands... Jeeze...
So, she told me today that she was feeling better about going back to her Condo on the beach in Sarasota... and that she would get out of my hair maybe even by today. I am glad I put my foot down. Everyone has told me to do so, and the last time I did not listen. Today is different. I will do what I must even if it is hard.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
(Robert Frost)
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to move back in with me on Sunday, with the understanding that she would be out within a month. Well, naturally she did what she always does, nothing. She came in, and sat down, and waited for me to ask her how she was doing, and then proceeded to wait for me to tell her how to handle her divorce, tell her where she should live, tell her whether to buy or to sell, rent or own, shit or piss, work or not, where to work and all that other bull shit that I don't need to worry about.
I really am annoyed with the fact that my mother can't live her own damn life. I was totally unhappy when I got home last night (after picking up my 30 day chip). I got home, and there she was, in my space. Now, most of the time, this wouldn't be a big deal. But she is totally manic depressive, and acts like a baby. I usually read, play with my cats, watch TV, and just enjoy myself. Last night, I just sat there on the couch... kinda felt like I do when I have a girl over who I am not interested in, and waiting for her to leave. Sooo, around 10:30 I was getting a little pissy, thinking, "Jesus, is she just going to sit on the couch and wait for me to tell her to go to bed?" Sure enough, I said "I am going to bed" and naturally she said "oh me too!" Just as I thought, she was subconsciously waiting for me to tell her when it was ok for her to do something. Totally lame.
But wait! There is a happy ending to this story! I woke up this morning, still shitty that I had once again began "enabling" my mother. I knew this had to end, and she needed a little tough love. I wrote her an email and then called her within an hour of being at work. It went like this: "Mom, you need to either rent a place from someone else, other than me, or move back to one of your two condos. Those are your options, and I would like you to move out asap." There is no in between, no staying with me for 4 months like she did last time. Cut and dry, rent somewhere or go home! You can't sit around in my house feeling sorry for your self and not getting on with your life! I won't allow my serenity to be royally fucked like it was this pass summer. Did I mention that she is wealthy? If I had all the money she had, I would be living on a beach down in the Virgin Islands... Jeeze...
So, she told me today that she was feeling better about going back to her Condo on the beach in Sarasota... and that she would get out of my hair maybe even by today. I am glad I put my foot down. Everyone has told me to do so, and the last time I did not listen. Today is different. I will do what I must even if it is hard.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
(Robert Frost)
Monday, October 2, 2006
Day number 30!
Good morning folks! I have 30 days sober today!
I look forward to picking up that 30 day chip this evening and for the rest of the week!
Sooo, I am on a pink cloud at the moment! Really, I am... totally weird... I may actually have a nice day at work!
I had a fair weekend... my insane mother is getting a divorce and is staying with me temporarily... I requested that she move out asap, for I fear for my sobriety with her any where near me. So hopefully she will move out soon. I told her 2 weeks max, but I think she will be out sooner rather than later.
Anywhoooo, here is one of my favorite poems from Robert Frost!
God's Garden
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
I look forward to picking up that 30 day chip this evening and for the rest of the week!
Sooo, I am on a pink cloud at the moment! Really, I am... totally weird... I may actually have a nice day at work!
I had a fair weekend... my insane mother is getting a divorce and is staying with me temporarily... I requested that she move out asap, for I fear for my sobriety with her any where near me. So hopefully she will move out soon. I told her 2 weeks max, but I think she will be out sooner rather than later.
Anywhoooo, here is one of my favorite poems from Robert Frost!
God's Garden
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Day number 27?!?!?!
Ok guys, I can not freaking believe that I almost have month of sobriety!!! I believe this coming Monday or Tuesday is my 30th Day! I have not been this "Sober" since like..... April??
I am grateful today for:
That Big Book Study Group we formed last night at Jeff G.'s house, we have 6 guys and it's like an 18 week commitment to go through the big book and work the steps. I hear that it's very rewarding.
My two kitty cats!!!
My job... errr my job... come one now... I really mean it... my job... hrrrrmmph... my job :( LOL
My Mom finally getting out of an abusive relationship! About freaking time... let's see if she actually goes through with it...
My coffee commitment tonight.
Chris B. for making me a copy of the key to the church for the meeting tonight.
My sponsor for not firing me throughout all my bull shit.
My health. Shouldn't have eaten those 7 cookies at lunch time...
Xtreme fitness - I am soooo gonna go lift tonight
My Tang So Do class, and how I am going to be a Black Belt some day in the near future
This Beautiful Day
This beautiful Country
AA
And all my friends out there in AA land!
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
Timmma...
I am grateful today for:
That Big Book Study Group we formed last night at Jeff G.'s house, we have 6 guys and it's like an 18 week commitment to go through the big book and work the steps. I hear that it's very rewarding.
My two kitty cats!!!
My job... errr my job... come one now... I really mean it... my job... hrrrrmmph... my job :( LOL
My Mom finally getting out of an abusive relationship! About freaking time... let's see if she actually goes through with it...
My coffee commitment tonight.
Chris B. for making me a copy of the key to the church for the meeting tonight.
My sponsor for not firing me throughout all my bull shit.
My health. Shouldn't have eaten those 7 cookies at lunch time...
Xtreme fitness - I am soooo gonna go lift tonight
My Tang So Do class, and how I am going to be a Black Belt some day in the near future
This Beautiful Day
This beautiful Country
AA
And all my friends out there in AA land!
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
Timmma...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Graditude list!
Today I am grateful for:
My job
My kittie Cats
My job
My friends
My family
My Tang So Do class tonight
The fact that I get to leave the office in about 2 minutes
The food I am about to go eat
The TV shows I oh so love to T-Vo
The fact that now I get to leave the office in about 1 minute
The fact that even if I lost my job, or if a meteor hit the planet, right over tampa bay, I'd still be "A-OK"!
Day number 26 folks! I think...
Peace... and thank you for the comment Hippychick! You rock!
My job
My kittie Cats
My job
My friends
My family
My Tang So Do class tonight
The fact that I get to leave the office in about 2 minutes
The food I am about to go eat
The TV shows I oh so love to T-Vo
The fact that now I get to leave the office in about 1 minute
The fact that even if I lost my job, or if a meteor hit the planet, right over tampa bay, I'd still be "A-OK"!
Day number 26 folks! I think...
Peace... and thank you for the comment Hippychick! You rock!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The devil went down to Georgia...
Thank you Trudge and Dave for the comments! Much appreciated! My job still kinda sucks... no matter how motivated I get, I always end up feeling idle within an hour or two. So this morning I am typing here rather than signing off invoices. Naturaly, I could stop blogging, and check out those invoices, but than I'd be back here in about 30 minutes, complaining again! So I will blog for now and surf the web... errr.. get back to work in a few minutes.
I think I may be depressed... but it's weird, cause I feel great in the evenings, and at some points during the day. Like right now, I feel pretty good. As a matter of fact, I feel good enough to do some work. But last night, I was on that pink cloud. It seems like the second I get behind this hear computer, my pink cloud vanishes!
I have this nagging demon in the back of my head telling me I am unhappy, bringing up all sorts of crazy shit to keep me from being happy. Mostly, it is worrying about things in the past and future like that meeting I have to go to tonight, or working out, lifting weights, karate... studying.... all sorts of shit. Kinda like the demon says "You are ok, but... look at all this shit you gotta do! WaHAAHA!! Nothing you have to worry about, but I am gonna make you worry anyhow!!!" Then AA comes into my head, and says: "Relax, enjoy today, be happy with your self, and don't listen to that bastard in the back of your head!"
Really, I am nuts. It's funny how I can sit here and make all these little things called life, pile up in my head, and make me not want to work. It's like I'd rather worry about stuff and not do anything, then not worry and do something. I think I am on to something. I feel good right now, I will pray to God to hang on to that feeling and try to focus on getting some work done. It is time to cast my fear of the telephone aside, time to pick up that pile of papers, time to walk through that imaginary fire and get some work done.
God help me do this job I resent for which only you know why...
I think I may be depressed... but it's weird, cause I feel great in the evenings, and at some points during the day. Like right now, I feel pretty good. As a matter of fact, I feel good enough to do some work. But last night, I was on that pink cloud. It seems like the second I get behind this hear computer, my pink cloud vanishes!
I have this nagging demon in the back of my head telling me I am unhappy, bringing up all sorts of crazy shit to keep me from being happy. Mostly, it is worrying about things in the past and future like that meeting I have to go to tonight, or working out, lifting weights, karate... studying.... all sorts of shit. Kinda like the demon says "You are ok, but... look at all this shit you gotta do! WaHAAHA!! Nothing you have to worry about, but I am gonna make you worry anyhow!!!" Then AA comes into my head, and says: "Relax, enjoy today, be happy with your self, and don't listen to that bastard in the back of your head!"
Really, I am nuts. It's funny how I can sit here and make all these little things called life, pile up in my head, and make me not want to work. It's like I'd rather worry about stuff and not do anything, then not worry and do something. I think I am on to something. I feel good right now, I will pray to God to hang on to that feeling and try to focus on getting some work done. It is time to cast my fear of the telephone aside, time to pick up that pile of papers, time to walk through that imaginary fire and get some work done.
God help me do this job I resent for which only you know why...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Steller dude...
No comments on my previous post :( Boo hoo! Just wanted to say I am still sober today! That's all I got. Maybe I will think of something brilliant to say and post something later.
Steller dude... steller...
Steller dude... steller...
Monday, September 25, 2006
Day number 22!!!
Hey guys! Ok, so I shared on Friday with you that I was feeling like in my own will and all that. And it was totally true. I really wasn't in a great frame of mind, but I did end up going to the meeting Friday, and then again on Saturday, and finally on Sunday my brain started to tell me everything was ok! So Sunday I actually felt resonably good.
Any whoooo, I did call my sponsor, and big surprise here: he was at his girl friend's house. She has like 6 months sober, and he has over 2 years. But hey, it ain't my place to judge, so I will not do that! Umm.... I am going to start this big book study on Thursday this week. Appearently we go through the whole book and you get assignments to work the steps with your sponsor. So I am pretty much going to be calling my sponsor and demanding that we do the steps, and on time for my Thursday commitment.
So that should take care of my communication problem with my sponsor.
I am still pretty unhappy in my job, not sure what the hell it is, but I will try to get some work done today... you know, pick up the phone, call people, ask them for stuff, set up meetings, ask my boss for stuff, give stuff to my boss, and then proceed to stick my thumb up my @$$ and surf the internet.
Lol, ok seriously, I am going to try to be positive and find some gratitude... I really will.
Laterz!
PS: Did I mention I am sober today? One day at a time....
Any whoooo, I did call my sponsor, and big surprise here: he was at his girl friend's house. She has like 6 months sober, and he has over 2 years. But hey, it ain't my place to judge, so I will not do that! Umm.... I am going to start this big book study on Thursday this week. Appearently we go through the whole book and you get assignments to work the steps with your sponsor. So I am pretty much going to be calling my sponsor and demanding that we do the steps, and on time for my Thursday commitment.
So that should take care of my communication problem with my sponsor.
I am still pretty unhappy in my job, not sure what the hell it is, but I will try to get some work done today... you know, pick up the phone, call people, ask them for stuff, set up meetings, ask my boss for stuff, give stuff to my boss, and then proceed to stick my thumb up my @$$ and surf the internet.
Lol, ok seriously, I am going to try to be positive and find some gratitude... I really will.
Laterz!
PS: Did I mention I am sober today? One day at a time....
Friday, September 22, 2006
Day 19!
Wow! 19 days sober! I must admit, I can feel my self slowly slipping into my own will. I don't feel much like going to a meeting tonight. Luckily I have a coffee commitment, so I must show up.
I am starting to think my sponsor is no longer right for me... as a matter of fact, I don't think he has enough time in the program, because he just did something odd. He stopped going to all of the meetings he use to and stopped hanging out with all the people he use to. Plus, I don't think I have actually sat down and talked face to face with him in about 2 weeks. Shouldn't sponsors and sponsees get together atleast once a week? I feel like the connection is lost between us... maybe I should get a new sponsor? We don't go to the same meetings or anything together... maybe it's me in my own will???! I have no clue... he did just get a girl friend and has been overly obsessed with her. I think that might have alot to do with it. Oh well. I will give him a call and see what is going on.
As far as the work thing goes... I am still here, still have a job. I have started studying for that math test... I need to go buy a few math books. I figure if I study, and find I love what I am studying, there could be something there for me in the future... We shall see.
I am starting to think my sponsor is no longer right for me... as a matter of fact, I don't think he has enough time in the program, because he just did something odd. He stopped going to all of the meetings he use to and stopped hanging out with all the people he use to. Plus, I don't think I have actually sat down and talked face to face with him in about 2 weeks. Shouldn't sponsors and sponsees get together atleast once a week? I feel like the connection is lost between us... maybe I should get a new sponsor? We don't go to the same meetings or anything together... maybe it's me in my own will???! I have no clue... he did just get a girl friend and has been overly obsessed with her. I think that might have alot to do with it. Oh well. I will give him a call and see what is going on.
As far as the work thing goes... I am still here, still have a job. I have started studying for that math test... I need to go buy a few math books. I figure if I study, and find I love what I am studying, there could be something there for me in the future... We shall see.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Numero 18!
Today I am thankful to be sober!
I am also still doing the job search thing... I found a job in Baltimore that would be perfect for me! I sent a resume and cover letter... we shall see. I also intend to send a resume and transcript to the Baltimore County Public Schools today and see what they say...
Besides that, I am trying to stay out of my will and except life as it is... and yes I am trying to work to the best of my ability. I have some things which need to get done this morning and afternoon... so I shall be pretty busy. Someone reminded me yesterday that all that really matters is that I am sober and that I stay sober. All this other crap is gravy!
Timmmaaa..
I am also still doing the job search thing... I found a job in Baltimore that would be perfect for me! I sent a resume and cover letter... we shall see. I also intend to send a resume and transcript to the Baltimore County Public Schools today and see what they say...
Besides that, I am trying to stay out of my will and except life as it is... and yes I am trying to work to the best of my ability. I have some things which need to get done this morning and afternoon... so I shall be pretty busy. Someone reminded me yesterday that all that really matters is that I am sober and that I stay sober. All this other crap is gravy!
Timmmaaa..
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Still so not counting... day number 17!
So today is day number 17, not that I am counting... but damn it; where are you day number 30?
I must say that I fantasized about drinking a little last night. I don't want to drink. Last night it was raining all night and just plain sucked. I skipped the meeting and instead went to the grocery store to get some much needed food. Naturally, while looking for oregano, I ran into another alcoholic named Tom. He was standing there looking for some spices.
Funny how that works. We talked for a bit and I went home feeling a little better. I was just really depressed last night. I didn't get to ride my bike, and if I had gone to a meeting in that pissed off mood, I would have drank. That's how I get, I know the urge and how it works in me... so I called an alcoholic to talk, but left a message. I knew I couldn't go to a meeting, cause when I get in that frame of mind, I only hear my self in my own head in the meetings... and then I drink. Every relapse has been like that. I go to a meeting feeling crappy, even share about it, and then drink. It's like while I am actually sitting in the meeting, I decide to drink because I convince myself how I am not like all these other alchies... hehe. You know the thinking. So I decided to go to bed early and try again today. No sense in putting myself in a risky situation, ya know?
Today is like the most beautiful weather, this morning it was still freaking raining.. so a bit of a rough start but it got sooo much better... I feel way better. Def don't want to pick up a drink, I need to get my ass to a meeting like asap after work... and promised to meet someone there so that is for sure. After the meeting I will ride zee bike and get my work out in.
Oh yea, quick thought on the school teacher idea. I am going to take the subject area exam to become a math teacher! It is in like a month, and I have to study for it since it looks to be as hard as the shit I took in college. I feel like if I just work towards taking the exam and pass it, I will feel better, regardless of wether I decide to quit my job and go forward with that career.
Laterz...
I must say that I fantasized about drinking a little last night. I don't want to drink. Last night it was raining all night and just plain sucked. I skipped the meeting and instead went to the grocery store to get some much needed food. Naturally, while looking for oregano, I ran into another alcoholic named Tom. He was standing there looking for some spices.
Funny how that works. We talked for a bit and I went home feeling a little better. I was just really depressed last night. I didn't get to ride my bike, and if I had gone to a meeting in that pissed off mood, I would have drank. That's how I get, I know the urge and how it works in me... so I called an alcoholic to talk, but left a message. I knew I couldn't go to a meeting, cause when I get in that frame of mind, I only hear my self in my own head in the meetings... and then I drink. Every relapse has been like that. I go to a meeting feeling crappy, even share about it, and then drink. It's like while I am actually sitting in the meeting, I decide to drink because I convince myself how I am not like all these other alchies... hehe. You know the thinking. So I decided to go to bed early and try again today. No sense in putting myself in a risky situation, ya know?
Today is like the most beautiful weather, this morning it was still freaking raining.. so a bit of a rough start but it got sooo much better... I feel way better. Def don't want to pick up a drink, I need to get my ass to a meeting like asap after work... and promised to meet someone there so that is for sure. After the meeting I will ride zee bike and get my work out in.
Oh yea, quick thought on the school teacher idea. I am going to take the subject area exam to become a math teacher! It is in like a month, and I have to study for it since it looks to be as hard as the shit I took in college. I feel like if I just work towards taking the exam and pass it, I will feel better, regardless of wether I decide to quit my job and go forward with that career.
Laterz...
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Day number... 16?
HALLO!
Sooo... still sober! Yea me! I have been praying way more than I have in the past. Today, at lunch, I prayed and said thank you to God for helping me to stay sober. Also I prayed that I do a good job at work and that God helped me get motivated at work. Pretty much it was one of those "God please help" prayers. Lately I have been really depressed at work. I get work done, but my job just sucks. I mean the job doesn't suck... it's more like I don't feel like I want to do this for the rest of my life. Ya know? I sit in an office (with no window), and basically track about 7 projects... (real estate developments)... my job consists of this:
8:00 - get some coffee
8:30 - get some more coffee
9:00 - now it's time to start attempting to do something
9:00 - 5:00 - call about 5 different engineers at 5 different companies, ask them if they have everything they need from me. Ask them if anything is new. Get said needed items to engineer or boss... who ever needs whatever... set up meetings with said engineers. Meet with engineer to tell them what my boss wants them to do. Go back to office. Look at and sign off on invoices. Give invoices to accounting. Pay invoice. Go back to desk and wait for something to happen. Stare at computer... continue to stare at computer. Go get more coffee. Go back to computer and continue to stare.
Usually it takes about 3 hours a day to do the above. So from 9:00 - 5:00 I really don't feel like i do much... as a matter of fact, I get paid really well to do jack shit. And I don't like it. I really hate project management. I cannot stand it. All I do is call people, ask people for shit, and do shit when my boss asks for it. I never feel like I get anything accomplished! Or maybe I hate it cause my parents got me into this business and I DID NOT CHOOSE IT? I don't know... But it pays the bills, and it pays damn good. I feel like I am a fraud, and that some day someone is going to call me out and say "Hey, you suck!" Of course that would never happen, but still, that is how I feel. I really don't like this crap. I feel like I am unhappy and the longer I stay here the longer I am waisting my time. I want to try and be a school teacher. At least that is something I can do on my own without my parents or anyone else telling me what to do.
Yes I know what your advice will be... take it easy, no major changes in the first year. But I feel like I need to continue to share what is on my mind. This is a daily thing for me and my sponsor... and so it shall continue to be until God takes this shit away.
Yes I have been praying like crazy! And it helps. I know my post could probably come across as a bit peeved... but today I am pretty darn peaceful! Trying to actually do some work. Going to organize my desk area! Lord knows I need it!!
End rant.
Sooo... still sober! Yea me! I have been praying way more than I have in the past. Today, at lunch, I prayed and said thank you to God for helping me to stay sober. Also I prayed that I do a good job at work and that God helped me get motivated at work. Pretty much it was one of those "God please help" prayers. Lately I have been really depressed at work. I get work done, but my job just sucks. I mean the job doesn't suck... it's more like I don't feel like I want to do this for the rest of my life. Ya know? I sit in an office (with no window), and basically track about 7 projects... (real estate developments)... my job consists of this:
8:00 - get some coffee
8:30 - get some more coffee
9:00 - now it's time to start attempting to do something
9:00 - 5:00 - call about 5 different engineers at 5 different companies, ask them if they have everything they need from me. Ask them if anything is new. Get said needed items to engineer or boss... who ever needs whatever... set up meetings with said engineers. Meet with engineer to tell them what my boss wants them to do. Go back to office. Look at and sign off on invoices. Give invoices to accounting. Pay invoice. Go back to desk and wait for something to happen. Stare at computer... continue to stare at computer. Go get more coffee. Go back to computer and continue to stare.
Usually it takes about 3 hours a day to do the above. So from 9:00 - 5:00 I really don't feel like i do much... as a matter of fact, I get paid really well to do jack shit. And I don't like it. I really hate project management. I cannot stand it. All I do is call people, ask people for shit, and do shit when my boss asks for it. I never feel like I get anything accomplished! Or maybe I hate it cause my parents got me into this business and I DID NOT CHOOSE IT? I don't know... But it pays the bills, and it pays damn good. I feel like I am a fraud, and that some day someone is going to call me out and say "Hey, you suck!" Of course that would never happen, but still, that is how I feel. I really don't like this crap. I feel like I am unhappy and the longer I stay here the longer I am waisting my time. I want to try and be a school teacher. At least that is something I can do on my own without my parents or anyone else telling me what to do.
Yes I know what your advice will be... take it easy, no major changes in the first year. But I feel like I need to continue to share what is on my mind. This is a daily thing for me and my sponsor... and so it shall continue to be until God takes this shit away.
Yes I have been praying like crazy! And it helps. I know my post could probably come across as a bit peeved... but today I am pretty darn peaceful! Trying to actually do some work. Going to organize my desk area! Lord knows I need it!!
End rant.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Day 15!
Hello all! Today is day number 15! Half way to a month! Not that I am counting or anything....
So this weekend I got committed to doing an 18 week big book study where we meet once a week, read the entire book, and work the steps. Appearently you get homework and stuff... so that should be interesting!
So, today my little sister is supposed to finally leave. I feel bad, almost like I want her to stay, but I guess that is normal. Once she is gone, it will be just me in my house! Finally! I guess I am a little scared, but it is time for me to be on my own. I think my mom and sister being gone will help with my sobriety. For the last 4 months I have been almost getting this thing, only to relapse...
This last weekend my brother, sister, cousins, their 2 girl friends, and me all went kayaking at the Weeki Wachi Springs, and I saw 2 manatees!!! Not only that, my sister recorded it on video, and I touched one of em! It was cool. I have been before, but never saw manatees. I was a little in a bad mood because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do on Saturday... like stay in Tampa, read the paper in the morning, go to my morning meeting, see a movie... but it was well worth it. We were all majorly pooped by saturday afternoon. Then Sunday I finally did my thing. I slept till 11:00am on Sunday! So that was good...
I had a thought, I think I am obsessively eating out. Like not eating at home, ever, except for little snacks, I never cook dinner at home! And this costs me I, I think, about 300 bucks a month. Any thoughts about that? I was thinking about starting out simply by buying spagetti and easy to make things... but I need to cut back on the eating out.
Any how, I need to call my sponse and really work the program today. My work has suffered these last few weeks, and I have not been doing a good job. Today I will pray to God to help me do a good job at the office!
See yas!
So this weekend I got committed to doing an 18 week big book study where we meet once a week, read the entire book, and work the steps. Appearently you get homework and stuff... so that should be interesting!
So, today my little sister is supposed to finally leave. I feel bad, almost like I want her to stay, but I guess that is normal. Once she is gone, it will be just me in my house! Finally! I guess I am a little scared, but it is time for me to be on my own. I think my mom and sister being gone will help with my sobriety. For the last 4 months I have been almost getting this thing, only to relapse...
This last weekend my brother, sister, cousins, their 2 girl friends, and me all went kayaking at the Weeki Wachi Springs, and I saw 2 manatees!!! Not only that, my sister recorded it on video, and I touched one of em! It was cool. I have been before, but never saw manatees. I was a little in a bad mood because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do on Saturday... like stay in Tampa, read the paper in the morning, go to my morning meeting, see a movie... but it was well worth it. We were all majorly pooped by saturday afternoon. Then Sunday I finally did my thing. I slept till 11:00am on Sunday! So that was good...
I had a thought, I think I am obsessively eating out. Like not eating at home, ever, except for little snacks, I never cook dinner at home! And this costs me I, I think, about 300 bucks a month. Any thoughts about that? I was thinking about starting out simply by buying spagetti and easy to make things... but I need to cut back on the eating out.
Any how, I need to call my sponse and really work the program today. My work has suffered these last few weeks, and I have not been doing a good job. Today I will pray to God to help me do a good job at the office!
See yas!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Shit!
Wise Words from George Carlin
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit!
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember....once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit!
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember....once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Day number 12!
So I believe today is day numero 12... very cool. I am still not counting the days!
So I asked God to give me some sanity back, and surely he did just that. I may have not worked 100% today, but at least today I did not obsess over the whole "what the hell am I doing with my life?" question! I just accepted me for me, and where I am is where I am... very coool, and peaceful even got a few hours of honest work in!
My mom got the heck out of my place yesterday. She is back living with her narcissist, asshole, bastard, shit eating, whore of a pig f#cking husband. Which is great, because at least she is out of my house! She still has some shit in her room, and my little sister did not leave as was planned... so I am a little ticked that she is still there, since my mom brought her here. My sister did say she was leaving on Saturday so we shall see. Once she leaves I will be in complete peace at home. Never again will I invite those two insane freaks into my home. I still love them, but seriously, the really messed with my serenity.
Soooo, my mom offered to continue paying me rent, as she left a huge mess... all her stuff is in her bedroom, and my sister surely will leave a huge mess down stairs... so I will accept my mom's money. I feel kinda bad, cause she is not living with me, but on the other hand, her antics and insane behavior will probably require many months if not years of psycological help via doctors and AA. That being said, I will try to accept it with grace... I hate hand outs and feel like she is supplementing my mortgage. Is it my ego I feel here? I also think she is doing it to ensure I don't sell the place. Oh well. Enough of that.
I feel good. My cousin Bryan is in town, so I look forward to seeing him tonight. Will stop rambling for now... almost 5:00pm.
Peace
So I asked God to give me some sanity back, and surely he did just that. I may have not worked 100% today, but at least today I did not obsess over the whole "what the hell am I doing with my life?" question! I just accepted me for me, and where I am is where I am... very coool, and peaceful even got a few hours of honest work in!
My mom got the heck out of my place yesterday. She is back living with her narcissist, asshole, bastard, shit eating, whore of a pig f#cking husband. Which is great, because at least she is out of my house! She still has some shit in her room, and my little sister did not leave as was planned... so I am a little ticked that she is still there, since my mom brought her here. My sister did say she was leaving on Saturday so we shall see. Once she leaves I will be in complete peace at home. Never again will I invite those two insane freaks into my home. I still love them, but seriously, the really messed with my serenity.
Soooo, my mom offered to continue paying me rent, as she left a huge mess... all her stuff is in her bedroom, and my sister surely will leave a huge mess down stairs... so I will accept my mom's money. I feel kinda bad, cause she is not living with me, but on the other hand, her antics and insane behavior will probably require many months if not years of psycological help via doctors and AA. That being said, I will try to accept it with grace... I hate hand outs and feel like she is supplementing my mortgage. Is it my ego I feel here? I also think she is doing it to ensure I don't sell the place. Oh well. Enough of that.
I feel good. My cousin Bryan is in town, so I look forward to seeing him tonight. Will stop rambling for now... almost 5:00pm.
Peace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)