Thank you Trudge and Dave for the comments! Much appreciated! My job still kinda sucks... no matter how motivated I get, I always end up feeling idle within an hour or two. So this morning I am typing here rather than signing off invoices. Naturaly, I could stop blogging, and check out those invoices, but than I'd be back here in about 30 minutes, complaining again! So I will blog for now and surf the web... errr.. get back to work in a few minutes.
I think I may be depressed... but it's weird, cause I feel great in the evenings, and at some points during the day. Like right now, I feel pretty good. As a matter of fact, I feel good enough to do some work. But last night, I was on that pink cloud. It seems like the second I get behind this hear computer, my pink cloud vanishes!
I have this nagging demon in the back of my head telling me I am unhappy, bringing up all sorts of crazy shit to keep me from being happy. Mostly, it is worrying about things in the past and future like that meeting I have to go to tonight, or working out, lifting weights, karate... studying.... all sorts of shit. Kinda like the demon says "You are ok, but... look at all this shit you gotta do! WaHAAHA!! Nothing you have to worry about, but I am gonna make you worry anyhow!!!" Then AA comes into my head, and says: "Relax, enjoy today, be happy with your self, and don't listen to that bastard in the back of your head!"
Really, I am nuts. It's funny how I can sit here and make all these little things called life, pile up in my head, and make me not want to work. It's like I'd rather worry about stuff and not do anything, then not worry and do something. I think I am on to something. I feel good right now, I will pray to God to hang on to that feeling and try to focus on getting some work done. It is time to cast my fear of the telephone aside, time to pick up that pile of papers, time to walk through that imaginary fire and get some work done.
God help me do this job I resent for which only you know why...
J-
ReplyDeleteDid you write your gratitude list for today?
ahem...
1. you're sober.
2. you're EMPLOYED.
even if it does suck, it's only a temporary situation, until you can find something you enjoy. it will happen. meanwhile, you are working, you are earning a paycheck, and you are doing good for mankind. that is a lot more than many people who are still in the addiction can say.
that's my two cents--
xoxo
hippychick
Step 3.
ReplyDelete