Firing Ranch!!

Ok, I know I am all in my head about this right now, and to be perfectly honest, I have been here at the office for 1 hour and a half, and worked for about 30 minutes of that.

My boss has called a meeting, and asked if I can be here at 12:00pm He also called these other two guys and asked that they be here for 12:00. When he told me to be here, he said, don't worry, don't tell any one, you are going to be fine. I was like "What the heck is going on!! Now I am worried!" Well, I think he is going to fire one of us, and I think I know who. I don't what to do or think.... I do know I am happy I am sober today, and need to be useful to my company, so I am going to stop thinking, pick up the phone, and do some business!!!

Hallo!

Well.... the reason I wanted to get rid of my sponsor is because he does not seem to have a whole bunch of time for me. I don't require much... like meeting with him once a week??? He seems to be more interested in service work and being super busy with TONS of commitments. So should I keep him? He has not returned my call in two days, and we were supposed to meet yesterday, but he never returned my call. Maybe there is an explaination.. whatever, I really don't care too much. I am going to meetings and calling other alcoholics, and reading the big book and 12 and 12.... I will keep trying to hook up with him to do the first step. But seriously, should I get someone who has more time for me or am I being selfish and letting something small bother me??

Still sober!!!

Well,

Stupid question, I want a new sponsor... should I just go ahead and tell my current sponsor now, or should I ask someone first to be my sponsor and than tell my current sponsor?

I am a bit tired today, as it is nearly 5:00pm and I am just about ready to get out of here!! I decided to start sending resumes out to various companies and government agencies... should be interesting to see what happens. If I can land a federal job, I am going to take it... only if it is in Washington DC or Baltimore... any how, I might as well look for other opportunities since I know I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Naturally, everyone in AA tells me to take it easy and not to do anything during the first 90 days. Well, it would take about 90 days to get an interview or job offer... so what the heck! I am going for it. I am tired of doing what everyone else wants (this job was my parents making...) now I am going to do what I need to do to be happy with my life.

Any how, I aint quitting or anything, and I am going to stay happy and do a good job... but I am looking!!

Everything else is generally good. I am still sober!!!! I will be picking up that month chip in a week or two!! But I am just going to focus on today and this evening.

Job stuff

Lol,

Man, I know the job thing is a recurring thing in my head, so I will keep it short. I still am having trouble getting motivated to work. Any ideas for when I am sitting in this depressing cubicle on how to get motivated?

Thanks

So I met with my psychologist....

So I met with my psychologist....

Last night, and during the day, I got soooo depressed at work. Like horribly depressed. I almost felt like crying. When my mom called me during lunch, I snapped at her and had to call her back to apologize for telling her I felt like putting a bullet in my head. (seriously, I meant it as a mediphor...) Any how, she knows about my drinking, so she thought I was serious. Well, I continued to feel like shit, even after talking to people in AA. So I met with my mom for some dinner in the evening, and it felt good just to be out of the office. She said something about her psychologist, and I realized that I wanted to go talk to him. So I went.

He pretty much helped me out. I wanted to set there and rant and rave and unload all of the shit going on in my head, and see if he could fix me. Well ok, I realize there is no quick fix for me. But he did talk some sense into me. One thing I really wanted help with, was the work thing. I have been on here for months telling people about how I am not happy at work and stuff... and I think this guy may be able to help. He actually scratched the surface yesterday and I think we may have figured out why I am acting the way I do at work. The gist of it is that 90% of the way I feel and do things, is how I react. Knowing that, apparently I reacted very negatively to some changes in the office. New team members coming on board and me feeling in adequate led to me perceiving this threat, and then I pretty much just stopped working hard. Make sense? Well, it did last night, and I am sure I am leaving stuff out. But bottom line is that I need to get happy with me, and my psycho dude told me I should just go to work, and make a schedule of what I want to do for each day. That way, rather than obsessing over BS like... new jobs, the news, video games, and the like.... I will actually learn to have a plan each day, and eventually it should become habit. Easier said then done. But it's a start. So today, like right now, I am going to look at my 8 hour day, and make a plan. Then I will stick to it. It should help me feel like I am actually doing something!!! That also was part of my problem... feelings of uselessness and stuff. My boss thinks I am useful, so it's time to actually be useful.
Peace....

Work and stuff part 2

I know that I need to let go and let God. I know I need to work the program first and just kinda get happy with my current job... but honestly, it is still going to be a struggle.

This morning, I feel more serene, and closer to God. I still feel the negative feelings I felt yesterday, but not so much. I believe it has something to do with me going to a meeting last night, and then dinner with Sandy B. (Sandy is one of those Circuit Speakers, supposed to be like a rock star in AA) Well, it was just me and Sandy at dinner, so that was cool. Then I just went home and read a book and went to sleep. Got up this morning and felt better. I almost wish I could just quit my job and go to AA meetings all day. How sirene that would be!! But I know that is not possible. Sandy told me I needed to work the program, and with that would come happiness. And then, after I did the steps, I could think about a switch in the job, but first I need to focus on sobriety.

Thanks for the advice guys. I shall keep you posted!

My job and stuff

Heya there folks!

I got rid of the computer game... will let you know how that effects my thinking. So far, I feel pretty good about it!

Today I feel depressed. Honestly, almost sad. I am sitting here at my desk, and I just hate my self for being here. I can not let go the fact that I don't believe this job is the right one for me. I don't care that I only have a couple days sober... Someone told me yesterday at a meeting "No big changes in the first year". My answer to that is "What if I really hate my job?" Well, I don't hate my job really... its more along the lines of: I got into this job because I did what my parents wanted me to do. Not what I wanted to do. The thing is, I can not just quit, I have toooooo many bills and such. So literally I would need to find a new job before I leave this one. Or.... I could go back to school, and get a degree in something I trully enjoy. Before, I went to college and got a degree in something only because I thought that was where the money was... and I hated school. So maybe school aint a good idea... already have a degree, so what I am thinking, is that I should find a new job, something I enjoy. I think I would enjoy anything that is not behind a damn computer screen all day... as is my current position and last position I was in. I hated both of em.

Last November I was going to become a school teacher, but took this job for the $$$. I am thinking that I made a mistake, and that I should get off my ass and go try to be a teacher, because that is something I want to do... not what my parents or any one else thinks.

Well, I know this sounds like I am taking control of my life and doing my will... but seriously man, I think I need a change! My job is all about money in my mind and I feel like I am sucking from society and not giving back. I really just feel like a poser... like I am sitting in here and wasting my time doing something I know in my heart I will not be doing in 5, 10, or 20 years. Ok, now that I have let that all out, I am going to call my sponsor. This seems like a repetitive cycle. Me complaining about my job and happiness....

Post Number 2 for the day...

I believe I have found a huge problem in my sobriety. That is: Video Games and losing touch with all things human! I went to a meeting Saturday morning, and then took a nap. Shortly after, I was online, escaping into my favorite online video game character. I looked at the clock before I went to bed. I had spent nearly 6 hours playing this video game!!! And, I isolated that whole day as I obsessed about it. I found last week, that I was obsessing about the game while at work. I called my sponsor to talk about this. He told me about his strong sexual obsession, and how he would buy pornos and then throw them away, only to buy them again.

Well, he told me what I knew to be true. That I had to get more active in the fellowship and get off my ass and call people.... which I neglected to do Saturday night. He also said that if I got rid of the game I would probably play it again any ways, by re-downloading it or what not. I said, screw that! I am going to get rid of it, because it is just like alcohol. If it is in my house I will obsess about it and use it! So, today I have listed the character on ebay, and by the end of the week I will have sold him. Also, I will delete the game from my computer, and once again attempt to gain interest in my fellows.

I feel depressed and almost as if I let people down by letting this game be more important than things human...

I am sorry.

God help me let go of all these things which lead me astray...

Day number

Well, today is day number 14 since I picked up my white chip. I feel pretty good today. One recurring thing that keeps bugging me is unhappiness at work. It's funny, I called my sponsor and told him I didn't feel like working and all this stuff just keeps piling up on my desk. He told me to get to work, and to stop thinking about it! Ha! He is so right! Any how, I am at work right now, so I must let you go so I may do something useful for the company, because that is what sober people appearently do!

Day number 10!

Well folks, thanks again for reading! Today is day number 10! I heard someone share in a meeting about how it wasn't important to her how many days she had, because she only cared about staying sober one day at a time... makes sense, cause every time I think about how I want to be a year sober it overwhelms me and I get all squirly... sooo, today I will focus on staying sober just for today. Once again, I am going to call someone and plan on meeting them for coffee this evening, before the 8:15pm meeting.

New topic: My mom is still living with me... she is getting a divorce, so I let her stay with me. Problem is that I am such a selfish bastard when I am around her... which is usually in the evenings... after meetings... or occassionally for dinner. I get so wrapped up in my head and resentful towards her for being her. You know? She is the type of person who can drink two glasses of wine and stop. I mean this in the nicest way possible but she is extremely selfish, always talking about herself, a gold digger, only cares about money and what others think of her, and has had two face lifts and a boob job... plus she is emotionally dependant on everybody and is completely unhappy unless her life is controlled by someone else... she is a perfect candidate for Al-Anon. She has absolutely no meaningful friendships. I honestly resent everything she stands for, and it bugs the hell out of me.

Anyhow, she lives with me, and every now and then I feel very resentful, and struggle to act like I am enjoying her talking about herself. I have in the past told my sponsor about this, but I don't think he understands my issue as well as some other folks in AA, so I am going to share with you guys, and other friends in the program, as well as my sponsor. Bottom line is that I think she needs to move out... she just got the condo in the divorce process, so she can move asap. But one thing, if she moves, then I lose out on the rent money and then I would have to go find a new roommate... who would probably pay less... on top of that, I fear letting a stranger move in with me. Hell, I fear letting a fellow AA into my home. I am in fear of her staying, her leaving, and the possibility of a new roomy.

Although... I don't really need a roommate to pay the mortgage.. I can get by by my lonesome. Well, I am pretty sure I know what the answer is going to be, but I need to hear someone else tell me, cause I am all in my head about this.

Now, back to work.

Peace...

Day number 9!

Day number 9!! Yea!

Still doing it a day at a time. Really is a struggle for me. It's funny, on some days I feel like it is getting easier, and life is great. Then the obsession hits me like a freaking tidle wave, and I swear, on Tuesday, I really thought I was going to the liquor store to pick up a bottle.

As far as work goes, I need to stay in the moment just like Trudging and Dave said. So, I won't sit here and project. I need to get off my butt and be useful to my company... one hour at a time. Tonight, I have plans to go to a meeting and I will stick to my sponsor like a stalker!

As far as the day goes.... I am in my head a little less, but it is early, maybe I will give you an update later this afternoon.

Thanks guys... will keep you up to date.

Crappy day at work...

Just wanted to touch base. I feel like I am soooo dragging at the office. Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I am unqualified, not useful... almost like I don't contribute any... Is that normal? Do I need to do something else? I am always thinking of what I am going to do when I get "fired". Even though it is unlikely, it is a possibility with the recent down turn in Home Building. I am actually starting to think that my boss may pick me to be let go over the other guy... I almost hope he does, is that sick?

Any how, just thought I'd mention that I feal idle at work. It's almost like I don't feel like doing anything, picking up the phone, typing an email, going to a meeting. Maybe only having 8 days sober has something to do with it??? But if you look in my posts, I have been typing about my insecurities for the last year... hmmm.. just rambling. My sponsor is not picking up his phone, time to call another alcoholic.

Day number 8!!

Hey yall! 8 days baby!

One thing though. I almost relapsed last night. I got home from work, and went to ride my bike... I noticed the tire was flat, so I bitched at it and then got off and pumped it up. All the time thinking how I was never again going to let my little sister ride the thing. Any whoooo... I was pissed, next thing you know, it starts to rain. So I got all sweaty and didn't even get a good work out in. Feeling defeated, I went home... and stewed in my anger. Funny thing, later that evening, I would learn that my sister fixed two flat tires on my bike the previous evening, and had simply not refilled the new tire all the way! Ha, and I thought she was the one being irresponsible!

Back to my story. I am pissed, it is like 6:15. I decide to go to subway. On the way, I had the thought... drink... go ahead just get drunk tonight, and pick up a month chip a week late. I went to subway, ate... now I am really thinking about drinking. I get in the car and drive to the grocery store, sitting in the parking lot, staring at the liquor store sign. Big book is sitting on my passenger seat... thoughts are going through my head. "You don't have to do this. Call somebody now!!! Just go to that 7:00pm meeting you were gonna go to!!!" I didn't feel comfortable calling anyone, so I picked up the big book, right there in the parking lot, and started to read the doctors opinion. Once I finished, I kinda sat there teary eyed, not really crying or anything, but just sad and feeling shameful. I thought about how I would feel, and how this wasn't right. Without calling anyone, still feeling ashamed I hadn't...I fired up the car, after sitting there for 10 minutes, and went to the meeting.

Afterwords, I called my AA friend John. And told him what happened. I knew I had to tell someone. I went home and did not drink, for one more day.

I think I realize that because I only have a few days sober, the obsession is still strong in me, I must be more vigilant today in my resolve, and make sure I am accountable to people. Yesterday, I had no commitment to make it to that meeting. Today, I am going to, right now, call someone, and make sure I meet them for a meeting tonight.

Day number 7!

Any how, I am seven days sober today! Yesterday was a challenge. After work it was raining, very hard, and rained non stop the entire night! On my way home from the meeting, I made a mistake, and guestimated the depth of a "tiny" puddle... errr... should I say: tiny lake, and drove through this standing water. Luckily, my care did not stall. But man, the water came up to my freaking headlights at one point, and that got my heart thumping! There were like 3 stalled cars in this little puddle. What an idiot i am! I was so impatient to get home, I risked royally f*cking up my lexus. Well, I finally got through it, and made one of those "Thank you God I will never do that again!" prayers.

Let's go back to earlier that day. I got off work at 5:00pm, ate subway, and then went home. I usually like to get on the bicycle and ride for 12 miles or so but I saw the rain coming, so I did not. Instead, I went to subway, got some food, ate, then went home. It started raining hard, lightning was messing up everything electrical, and I just kinda sat there in a daze... not really accomplishing much. I don't think it's a good idea for me to try to read or watch TV at this time of the day. It's like when I am idle, my thinking goes south immediately... unless it's like 9:00pm - 10pm and I am just getting ready for bed time. I went to a meeting at 7:00. Helped out, went to the grocery store. Still felt weird, so I called two people, who did not answer, but I left 'em messages, and felt better, then I drove through the big ass lake near my house.

Now, where was I going with all this... no idea. I probably should have called someone to meet me before the meeting. That would have been the right thing to do if I was going to have any idle time. Note to self. Don't isolate!!!

But I feel like I did the right thing later on. I did not feel like calling anyone, but simply did for practice. Gosh, I really hope I can do this thing! One day at a time...

Jonathan

Day number 6!!!!!

Day number 6! And seriously, I am not lying to you or my self.

There are so many things going on in my head right now, I think I may lose it!! Most of it has to do with work. I work in the home building industry, and yes, we are down sizing. My boss took me out to eat on Thursay, and asked who he should let go! I was like... ummm... no idea. He told me he wanted to let the other land acquisition mgr go, you see, there are two of us. My boss loves me, yet the other guy is older and more of a sales person type. My boss said one thing but that doesn't really mean any thing, ya know? I could be on my way out!! Yes I know I need to stop thinking now, but I am on a roll, so just let me! :)

Any whooo, I was in the meeting this morning, looking at my boss's face trying to figure out if I was on my way out, and I realize how insane I was acting. Shit, I was actually sitting in my office earlier this morning, thinking about how I would need to sell my town house, file for unemployment, get a job, maybe go back to school, what job should i get, maybe I should go back to computer programming, maybe I should get my Masters in Computer Science... all that bull shit.

Then I realized that this is the insanity that we hear about in the meetings, and that I should do two things. First, stop thinking. Second, call another Alcoholic.

So that is where I am. I am not so scared to call my sponsor, so I will call him. But then I am going to go one more and call a few older men with a lot of time.

Quick update: I am keeping my sponsor Greg. After talking with him and others, I am sticking with him.

Oh, just got off the phone with my sponsor, and yes, I have ceased all thinking... and will say a prayer.

Thanks everyone for reading. I appreciate your strength and hope.
Peace...

Day number 3

Day number 3... Well, I called a whole bunch of people yesterday including my old sponsor. He said something that really unnerved me and kept me up most the night. He said "Maybe you have not hit a bottom. Maybe you should think real hard and see if you had taken your last drink." I was like "Wait a minute now!" So I sat and I thought about it. This morning I had an answer for him. "You know what, I may still have the urge and the obsession, but dammit! I know I belong in AA, and I want to stay sober! Then I asked him if he would be my new sponsor. He said he'd love to work with me again. So there ya have it. I need to call Greg and tell him I am working with someone else.
I feel bad. It's like what Rod said. I care too much about what others think of me... which usually gets me in binds. I am terrified of calling Greg and telling him I found someone else. Even though I know exactly how the convo will go. He will say he hopes he helped me in some way and hopes I stay sober. lol I am an basket case eh? Any how. I would like to call a few people, or at the least one other person and set up a coffee date for this evening before the 8:15 meeting. I need to get better about calling other alcoholics. Well, that being said, yesterday I called all these people, leaving messages left and right, and I felt great! I have even more people in mind who I want to call, but don't have their numbers. So tonight and this weekend, I am on a mission for phone numbers! Well that is really all I've got. I pray for the willingness to be willing, and the strength to pick up that very heavy phone.
Peace...

Day Numero 2!!!

Day number two.
I am simply trying to not think and just be. My emotional state today is kinda blah. I have a meeting at 7:00 pm tonight, and afterwards like 30 people go out to eat. I am looking forward to it. Although I usually don't eat with them, I think tonight I will do my best to hold off on eating until they do... should probably make sure I sit at a small table to ensure proper service... oh well. Trying to live in the now. It is hard. Last night, Rod G said something to me that really struck a bell in my head. He told me that I am the kind of person who really worries about what others think of me. I was like "huh, never thought of that!" And then I realized that he was sooo right. One of my defects of character is that I really am paranoid how I look to others. It is why I am unhappy at work, why I am scared to call people, why I only like certain meetings, why I only like eating at certain places. It's so funny but true. Part of my problem is that I really want everyone to respect me, and yet I do nothing to gain that respect. I just need to learn to be humble... be humble allll day long.
Well, I am having a blah day, so hopefully I am not to negative here. Thought I would atleast give an update. I picked up a white chip last night, and I have to pick one up all week this week! Yay! Just trying to hang on and not think to much... that always gets me into trouble.

Peace...

Day number 1!

Howdy! Well, I have taken the first step to sobriety!!! I called my sponsor and told him about my relapse. I did not tell him about me drinking the last 4 months, but I told him about the last one, last night. I am sure over the next few days we will sit and talk about it, or probably not, he wants me to pick up a white chip and go to a meeting.
I have to be honest here, I may litterally be like 4 hours sober, but it sure feels good to be honest. Hell, I could have some alcohol in my system as I type this at the office... oh well.
I called Greg, and I was like "Dude, you were right, I am wrong. I drank last night and I am on my way into the office"
He said "Did you lose your job?"
I was like "No, that's the problem. I am a functioning drunk! I could probably drink everyday and make it into the office every morning."
He told me I could live my life that way, and be miserable for the rest of my life, and maybe it would never progress, but the point is, I wouldn't ever have God or be happy. And he is sooooo true.
Shit, one thing that kinda sucks... I have to go to a Board of County Commission meeting tonight at 6:00pm for my job... that could go a few hours, but after the meeting, my sponser says I need to get to a meeting to pick up a white chip. Well, that's all I got. Picking up a white chip, and yes once again I will try to do it any way but mine.
Peace....

Ranting and Raving

Now I would say it is time to talk a little bit about how I am feeling today.
I was in the bathroom, and suddenly I felt how nice it would be to get drunk tonight. Then I was like "Woo there cowboy!". I know I can rationalize myself into drinking. I always do. It's funny. It's quite obvious I am not ready to stop. Now, tonight, I am not going to drink. I just feel it. The urge is not so great as to over come my responsibilities and waking up early in the morning for work. But still, I am depressed that I still have this urge. I do not want to drink. But my mind can trick me into remembering how good it feels. And then I start with the "my consequences aren't so bad!"s and that is when the shit hits the fan. I go and drink. Nothing usually comes of it, except for me feeling shitty the next day or two.
End rant...
Now onto a new rant. I have Tang So Do tonight. Usually, I would ride my bike after work... till sevenish, and go grab some food. Tonight, Tang So Do is at 7:00, so it f-cks up my schedule. It is funny how I am most def not living in the moment right now. Like, why can't I enjoy my life, and go to freaking Tang So Do??? I could eat subway at 5:00pm, let the food digest for two hours, and then come home and relax... but no, I want to complicate the hell out of things. F it, I am going to subway, and then I am going to go to Tang So Do, then I am going to go home and chill.
I am lonely. Even with AA, I went last night, and felt good. Tonight, I def need it. but freaking tang so do get's smack in the middle of my meeting. Hmmm... no idea what to do here. Maybe I should go to the 5:45 meeting?

Timmma

Well I thought I would have made some posts on Thurs or Fri, I guess I did not. Nothing much has changed, it is Monday morning, and I am sober. It has since been two days now since I had a drink of anything. The insanity! Oh wait a sec, my mom offered a taste of her saki yesterday at 6:00pm, just one shot, but still. I guess that counts.
So this weekend was a total sham, I felt like crap saturday and sunday. Something needs to be done about this. We all know what I should do. But the question is: do I want to do it? I feel lonely and a bit depressed. The quickest way to recover from that is to go to meetings and just do what others tell me to do. Or at the least, go to meetings and hang out after words! Geeze! I mean, it really is that simple! I am a freaking idiot. Get off your ass and do something about it!

Tang So Do

Ugh, just ate lunch, and still, after like a billion gallons of tea, my ass is still dragging. I feel like I could use a coffee, but Lord knows that too much caffeine is not a good idea right now.. usually makes me even more tired. Well, things are good. Last night I decided to call Greg and get a new home group... probably the Friday and Monday, with room to grow group. Also, I got back into my Tang So Do. A few swift kicks to my kidneys and I am back into it! Just kiddin, but seriously, I did get kicked in my kidney by a third degree black belt... so I am a weee bit sore this morning. I am a purple belt by the way... about 2 -3 years from black belt, and that is if I train constantly and non-stop. Of course, that is my goal. My Master says that I am a natural for this stuff, and I tend to agree with him. Ok, deflate my ego. sssssssss. Ego deflated! Well, regardless, I am stoked. I am back to doing Tang So Do 3 times a week, and I am committed to it. Last time, I only went 2 times a week, and then I just stopped because 2 times a week is worthless. If I could, I would train 7 days a week, but I am content to lifting weights and riding my bike on off days.


Work is sucking today, I feel just soooo tired! Geeze, it probably has something to do with me staying up late and watching V fo Vendetta. Anyhow, all is well. I am meeting with the Bella's group tonight, and having coffee with my ex sponsor. Gotta go ride like the second I get off work. (I do about 12 miles up and down bayshore blvd.) Any how, that's about it.

Regards....

Wenny Looster

Yesterday, a colleague of mine, went to the hospital due to a headache. It turns out to be a lump on the patuatary gland... or something like that, in the brain. This fella is in his early thirties, at most, and had testicular cancer earlier in life. He has no children, and is unable to... although he is the type who would adopt in a heart beat.
Why is it that people like him, who are good people, genuinly nice... get shafted like this? Why do I seem to skirt by with a healthy life(knock on wood), with a phat job, rich parents, hell... forget about my parents! I would be considered rich for a 25 year old. I just don't understand God's plan. I so much want to be loved by people and have a wife and get married and all that stuff, I tend to forget that just being alive is a gift I need to cherish. Anyhow, it totally is not cool that he needs to go through this. We should know in a day or two after a biopsy if it is cancerous. I pray that he will be alright.
End Rant.

Yet another day...

Well,

Last night I played some Socom 3 online... after a couple hours of eve-online... Not sure what I accomplished, but I do know I had fun! My brother is into Socom big time, so he kinda dragged me back into it. I was sitting there debating weather or not to ride my bike or work out last night, and I decided not to, because there was a huge thunder storm heading this way... next thing you know... like two hours goes by and no freaking storm! Damn! Really ruined my serenity for the evening. Threw every thing off track.

I talked to Greg again last night, and he talked me into taking a service commitment. So next Monday I am going out to Thononosassa to work with some kids in a local rehab place. It should be a nice experience, and help keep me grounded. He wants me to be responsible for finding speakers and such every other monday. I think I will do it and I am kinda excited about it!
Any how, I woke up a little bit late this morning for work... I was awake at like 6:00 AM but I just laid there until 8:30!!! Now I am at the office typing this in.... maybe I should work today? Ha, I will get around to it I am sure! I feel kinda blah today...
Laters...