Day number 58 people!
Well, this morning started in typical Monday morning fashion... me negative and pissed cause my boss asked me to, god forbid, actually do something! Well, turns out that the whole day was extremely busy! That turned into a total blessing! It is now 5:00 pm, and I actually feel like I did something today! Well, I hope that feeling stays, and pray that tomorrow I will do equal amounts of good work. It actually feels good to be busy, you know?
Not much else to report, over the weekend I kinda sorta missed my Sunday meeting, so tonight, I am looking forward to my home group. I saw Laura on Friday night and again last night, I still don't know how I feel about her. She is kinda like that librarian type, very quite, reserved, and maybe even too reserved... which is different, and I am not sure if my ego is too big, if her reservedness turns me off, or if I am actually attracted to her... well, I know I am attracted to her physically, but mentally, I am having trouble connecting, it's almost like we are both quiet types, and not quite clicking. I don't want to write her off, because she is pretty, nice, reserved, smart... everything you look for, but sometimes my ego jumps in and I feel resentments... Hmmm... I am confused.... and rambling, well thats all for now.
Laters!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Day 55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM GRAATEFUL!
Today be day number 55 I believe!
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Well, I worked the 2nd and 3rd steps and now am moving on to the 4th step. Which is good, because in my big book study, we are actually moving into the 4th step, which is where we will be for a few weeks. so that will be great.
Yesterday my boss called from out of town, and asked me to do something for him. I immediately kinda sorta felt like "Why is he asking me for this... why can't he do it himself, why me???" Those sort of questions.. and I felt like shit the rest of the day, just cause he asked me to do something which I felt over qualified for... and it really through me off. It's like I had all these things I knew I had to do for my job, and then he called and asked for one more thing to be thrown on top of it, and when he did that, I totally shut down. Now all my drive is gone and I don't feel like doing anything. What is up with that? I think this has to do with that roller coaster of sobriety, like how I am on a pink cloud one day and not the next.
I believe that today I don't have to drink, but in the past, these feelings would over come and take me out. I realize that I just need to let it go and let God take care of me. On top of that and more importantly, I need to be of use to others... specifically, my boss. These negative feelings and bad attitude, will pass, and I will be ok!
Tonight I have a coffee commitment, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of that! Maybe ride my bike up to the meeting again, I have enjoyed doing that! Maybe I will work out too! Laura wants to hang out tonight, which kinda throws a wrench in "my plan"... so I don't know what to make of it, I told her last night about my alcoholism and she seemed cool with it... maybe I will just ride my bike up to her place too. Well enough of that, I don't need to be worrying about tonight, because it takes away my usefulness right NOW!
Got one more hour to lunch, how about getting some work done?
Laters...
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Day number 53!
I am supposed to meet up with my sponsor to work the 2nd step today. Hopefully he won't cancel on me. I think I will ride my bike up there since I enjoyed myself oh so much on Monday doing the same. Today, I had 2 meetings at work that kinda sorta threw me off, and I have not gotten much done besides staring at the ol' computer.
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
What can I do to be of service right now? I don't know... you know... I have been meaning to clean up my desk and start a filing system. Maybe I will do that.
What matters, however, is that I am totally sober today, and continue to work on my spiritual condition. Tonight, I hope to expand that contact with God just a little more with my second step.
Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor
My brother
His girlfriend
My mom
My dad
My sister
My two cute kitty cats!!!
My job speaking of...
The pile of papers on my desk, which need to be filed
AA for such a simple program
AA for the strength
AA for the hope
AA for the guide
AA for revealing God to me as I choose to see him
Being sober
I am sober!!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Nice weather and grAAteful! Day 52!
I just had a thought. I am going to skip my Tang So Do class tonight, and go to a meeting, and then I am going to go to Barnes and Nobles and study the big book! I have been resting on my laurels... time to take some action, even though I feel like a bizzillion million million dollars.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Day number 52!
I woke up this morning and it was cold as sh!t. Well, cold for Florida any ways, felt a little shiver, ya know what I mean? Any whooo, man, last night was awesome. Not fun awesome, just kinda serene awesome. I decided to ride my bike up to the meeting, which I made the coffee at, and the weather was so beautiful it wasn't even funny. Riding along bayshore blvd up to the "With room to grow" group was just excellent. I got up there around 6:15, made the coffee, and then just sat on a bench over looking Tampa Bay, and listened to my mp3 player. Totally nice out... After the meeting I rode my bike to the grocery, and then on home where I cooked some vegies for din din. Totally nice night, went to bed a little late, I need to work on that.
In the meeting, this guy Jim came back in, he shared that he had just relapsed and wound up in the hospital. They appearently released him, and he was back. He relapsed a few months ago and has been trying to stay sober ever since. It's sad, but I really think him showing up helped me more then he knows, maybe even helped me more then it helped him. Does that make sense?
This guy had like 6 months sober about a year ago, and I remember sitting down with him for coffee and listening to him talk, and I could just tell, even then, that he was not "sold on the ideas in this book". You know when people share in meetings, and they talk about how well things are going for them, and how you can just feel them and their energy trying to take control of their own lives, and they almost seem way tooooo selfish?? Like when they should be saying "Thank you God, or Help me God, or God your the best! or What can I do for others?!" They are saying "Yea me! or Thank you God, but seriously, it was all me! Or simply, Yes, I will have some cake and I will eat yours as well!" Or you can just sense the doubt in their voice coupled with the unwillingness to let go and let GOD. Maybe high self esteem is a detrement to these folks? I have low self esteem, and wish I had high self esteem... I wonder if my low self esteem will actually be better for me in the long run??! Your thoughts?
So was I once a doubter of God, and so I dream never going back to be! (A bit of Rober Frost's "Birches" edited by me for AA!)
I shall leave you with a poem... most of you should relate to this one :)
God's Garden by Rober Frost
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Day number 51!
My Lord, day number 51! That indeed is an accomplishment!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
I don't know what to say... today is Monday, so I am a bit blah, ok, maybe a bit more then blah. But blah none the less. I have to get motivated!! I feel soooo blah! I have some things to do today for work, meetings to go to, emails to send, invoices to sign... I just kinda sorta feel like doing all that after lunch. Lunch is coming up too... maybe I should go to lunch a wee bit early today?
The weekend was great. I ended up taking the FTLE for Math 6-12, for shits and giggles on Saturday, then I hung out with my brother's dog, a Boxer, then I went to a meeting, and on Sunday I spent the day with Laura, My brother and his girl at the beach. I think I spent the entire day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, out. Which is really something different. I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit, and felt "normal". Kinda like before I started drinking 10 years ago. I didn't feel like I had to go home, or that I was missing out on anything important "like my TV or video games". Do you know what I mean? It's like I don't obsess over getting away from everyone... I kinda obsess about getting away like for lunch or in the morning with the news paper... but in the evenings, my attitude and desires are not so much about me any more. As a matter of fact, I hate being at home in the afternoon. I can remember 3 years ago day dreaming about going home to drink wine and watch TV from 6:00 or 7:00. Now I look for things to get me out of the house.
As I started this post, I really didn't feel like typing it, and wasn't in a great mood. But now, man, I feel great! What is up with that? God working in my life? Maybe!
I just gotta call my sponsor about this!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Day number 48
Howdy ladies and felllas,
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Today is day number 48! I am doing pretty well today, I actually had a little bit of an appifinity yesterday before bed. I realized that there is no reason for me to be all depressed at work any more. I realized that I just automattically go to worst case scenerios in my head with any responsibility I am given. I also realized that none of the projects I have under my control are really that big of a deal, and that most of them are just fine and actually on time. I stress out about the small stuff, and then I resent everyone and everything for it.
Anyhow, huge light bulb went off, and today I got loads of work done, and I was happy doing it!
Crazyness....
Today I am gratefull for:
That dog I have to watch tonight and tomorrow
My mom
My brother and his girlly friend
Laura
My cats, who are probably freaked out by the dog staying with us
That i have a coffee commitment tonight!
Thank GOD I have that coffee commitment!
I can't wait to get to a meeting
That I am sober
That I am sober
That I am going to the beach on Sunday
That I am still sober
Thursday, October 19, 2006
On the God Box: Day 47
I just typed a long post, and it totally got erased. I was goin to say that these posts seem like some sort of God Box, where we type to let something go and give it over to God. I love that.
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
I am totally grateful today!
Gotta call my sponsor! Oh and 47 days!
Peace!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
On being overwhelmed
I seem to be a little overwhelmed at the moment... not really with work, but with the "after work life". I feel like I have taken on too much stuff and now think I need to rectify the situation. Well, actually, there really is nothing I can do about it. I have commitments to keep and things that I need to do this weekend. I need to just live in the moment and not think about all the things which I am committed to. I am just not use to having to do things and be accountable to others. Like Friday, I need to make coffee, but I also have to take care of my brother's dog, cause he is in a bind. Still gotta take care of the damn dog on Saturday, but have to take an exam which may be 4 hours long... then I told someone I'd go to the beach with them on Sunday.
It really aint that big of a deal. I just never ever ever ever make plans like this and now feel totally overwhelmed.
Well, that is all I have. I really need to just let go and let God.
God please help! I am grateful today for:
My job
My sobriety
My pet cats
My brother
My mom
My sister
My family
My friends
Laura
My coffee commitments
My dog commitment
My exam
Life in general
My job
My job
My sobriety
More sobriety
And more sobriety!!
Laters...
It really aint that big of a deal. I just never ever ever ever make plans like this and now feel totally overwhelmed.
Well, that is all I have. I really need to just let go and let God.
God please help! I am grateful today for:
My job
My sobriety
My pet cats
My brother
My mom
My sister
My family
My friends
Laura
My coffee commitments
My dog commitment
My exam
Life in general
My job
My job
My sobriety
More sobriety
And more sobriety!!
Laters...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Hump day! (Half way to 90)
Howdy folks! I believe I have 45 days today! Yea! Last night was tuff, I get kinda squirrelly sometimes when I don't go home after work and change... something about walking around in dress pants and a tie that messes with my head... kinda makes me pissed off because it isn't "what I normally do"... (control issues I am sure) Any whooo, I went to go make coffee at this meeting, and I was happy to do so, but I was rushed and did not have time to go home and change. So I get there, and walk in, and not one f-ing chair was in the room. So naturally, I put the coffee on, and set up all the chairs. But, I was soooo in my head over all the damn chairs not being where they were supposed to be. I spent the remainder of the night telling people about the damn chairs and how they pissed me off. Which was funny, cause I had this huge "in my head" resentment for these damn chairs! The whole meeting I was like "please God remove this resentment" It was sooo hard, but I was so pissed off, like the whole time untill I got home. Usually it's not a big deal, but I think still wearing my business clothes really pissed me off.
It kinda rolled into today as well... not the chairs, but just that feeling of resentment. Ya know?
I am grateful today
I am grateful today for being sober
I am grateful today for being sober
I am sooooober
Still sober
Totally greatful
Really, I am!
I am sober
I have friends
I have life
I have so much
I love life
I am sober
I am greatful
I am grateful for this beautiful weather !!! Go outside Jonathan!!!
It kinda rolled into today as well... not the chairs, but just that feeling of resentment. Ya know?
I am grateful today
I am grateful today for being sober
I am grateful today for being sober
I am sooooober
Still sober
Totally greatful
Really, I am!
I am sober
I have friends
I have life
I have so much
I love life
I am sober
I am greatful
I am grateful for this beautiful weather !!! Go outside Jonathan!!!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Day number 44
Wow, turns out I have been so darn busy today at work I have not had the chance to give you all an update! Well, this weekend was great! I decided that, because I live in Florida, and since it was so damn beautiful out, I should go to the beach! So I did, and initially I was like "Should I go? I don't feel like driving! Then I may miss out... what about AA?? What about this or that or what I could be doing...." Basically, I stopped projecting and worrying about shit, and just went to the beach with my brother. Like a normal person. I had a blast! Just.. I am not use to doing things with people, period. You know? I hate doing any thing with anyone. Isolating has been a big part of my life since I was little. I know that inorder to live happy, joyous, and free, I need to give myself over to my HP, and enjoy my life. I need to stop this isolating nonsense... and get out and enjoy this short time I have on this planet!
Today I am grateful for:
My brother meeting me down in Sarasota
My cats
My job, I seem more busy today
Laura, who has given me a second chance
Matt, for calling me today and asking if I can fill in for him for coffee duty!
My job
My sobriety
My sobriety
My sobriety
Waking up sober
Waking up sober
I am so sober!!!
Today I am grateful for:
My brother meeting me down in Sarasota
My cats
My job, I seem more busy today
Laura, who has given me a second chance
Matt, for calling me today and asking if I can fill in for him for coffee duty!
My job
My sobriety
My sobriety
My sobriety
Waking up sober
Waking up sober
I am so sober!!!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Day number 41
So today all is well!
We had another corporate meeting this morning, which went great. I feel at peace. Not one person but myself is in the office this afternoon. I may just sit back and take a nappy in my chair. I can not wait for my coffee commitment tonight. I am in a fairly good mood. My mind is at ease... let us keep it that way!
I am grateful for:
My two precious kitty cats
My health
My job
My family
My stuff
My tang soo do
My job
My job
My job again
My sobriety
My sobriety
My inner peace
My inner peace
Go pray Jonathan...
We had another corporate meeting this morning, which went great. I feel at peace. Not one person but myself is in the office this afternoon. I may just sit back and take a nappy in my chair. I can not wait for my coffee commitment tonight. I am in a fairly good mood. My mind is at ease... let us keep it that way!
I am grateful for:
My two precious kitty cats
My health
My job
My family
My stuff
My tang soo do
My job
My job
My job again
My sobriety
My sobriety
My inner peace
My inner peace
Go pray Jonathan...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Day Numero 40
This is a long rant about mostly shit made up in my mind... just had to rant for a few minutes about stuff I know is not in my control....
My insane,codependent mother is driving me a little nuts this morning. She called to get reassurance that what she was doing was the right thing. Naturally I said I couldn't really tell her what to do but that I thought it was great that she was going through with it.
Then she says "oh I got to go"
5 minutes later... "that was 'so and so' (his name has been edited out), and he called to tell me how big a mistake I made, how everything was my fault and how I am missing out on the GRANDEST life of all" then she says "there is no business man as great as'so and so'!"!!!! I was like: "You hold one f-ing second, don't you ever give me that line of self depreciating bull shit. He is a f-ing ass hole and can go straight to hell. He is a f-ing loser, a shitty business man, and a f-cking ass hole! Don't f-ing pick up the god damn phone when he calls. He is a manipulitive little rat, and you buy into all of his controlling, narcistic, bull shit. He hates you, and he hurts you emotionally and is also robbing you blind."
Any whoooo, I think I said something along that line of thought, but I think it was toned down a bit. I was basically pissed cause she called all mopey and shit and then had the nerve to tell me He was a virtual God in her mind, even though they are getting divorced, he is a cheat, an asshole, and treats her lilke dirt. What fucking bull shit. I am soooooo not picking up the phone again today!
I did end the conversation nice, and said something along the lines of "you know what to do... do what makes you happy, talk to your attorney, life is good. BE GRATEFUL for everything good in life for christ's sake...." jesus aged fucking christ!
Co-dependent bull shit.
I am soooo happy I am sober today and not working for those crazy people any more.
My insane,codependent mother is driving me a little nuts this morning. She called to get reassurance that what she was doing was the right thing. Naturally I said I couldn't really tell her what to do but that I thought it was great that she was going through with it.
Then she says "oh I got to go"
5 minutes later... "that was 'so and so' (his name has been edited out), and he called to tell me how big a mistake I made, how everything was my fault and how I am missing out on the GRANDEST life of all" then she says "there is no business man as great as'so and so'!"!!!! I was like: "You hold one f-ing second, don't you ever give me that line of self depreciating bull shit. He is a f-ing ass hole and can go straight to hell. He is a f-ing loser, a shitty business man, and a f-cking ass hole! Don't f-ing pick up the god damn phone when he calls. He is a manipulitive little rat, and you buy into all of his controlling, narcistic, bull shit. He hates you, and he hurts you emotionally and is also robbing you blind."
Any whoooo, I think I said something along that line of thought, but I think it was toned down a bit. I was basically pissed cause she called all mopey and shit and then had the nerve to tell me He was a virtual God in her mind, even though they are getting divorced, he is a cheat, an asshole, and treats her lilke dirt. What fucking bull shit. I am soooooo not picking up the phone again today!
I did end the conversation nice, and said something along the lines of "you know what to do... do what makes you happy, talk to your attorney, life is good. BE GRATEFUL for everything good in life for christ's sake...." jesus aged fucking christ!
Co-dependent bull shit.
I am soooo happy I am sober today and not working for those crazy people any more.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
So I talked to my sponsor today about that whole roommate situation. He told me to nix the idea because I only have a month and he only has two months. Stupid me... I should have seen that one coming! Duh! Plus, I don't really need a roommy because I can afford my mortgage payment. So, I need to somehow tell Mike to find some thing else.
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Day number 39!
So I talked to my sponsor today about that whole roommate situation. He told me to nix the idea because I only have a month and he only has two months. Stupid me... I should have seen that one coming! Duh! Plus, I don't really need a roommy because I can afford my mortgage payment. So, I need to somehow tell Mike to find some thing else.
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Today I am grateful for:
My boss still seeing something in me
My mom still being on tract to get a divorce
My crazy sister
My health
My job
My tang soo do
My kitty cats!!!
My kitty cats!!
My sobriety
Being sober today!!
Being sober today!!
Seriously, being sober today!!
Monday, October 9, 2006
Day number 37...
Hmmm Hrrrumph.
Can you guess what's bugging me today? Yet another beautiful day, and I am spending it inside my little office not really doing much of anything. I have some invoices here that need coding and signing... will probably do that in a sec. Just another day of me being unhappy at work. There are just so many things going through my head... it's a little nutty.
My friend Michael, who has about 2 months sober is looking for a room to rent. I told him I may have a place for him, he is all excited about it, naturally I am having second thoughts. He wants to come over and see my place tonight after work... so I will probably do that, and see how I feel. Problem with that whole thing is that I like living alone, and in my house I have a problem with sharing my space. So that probably won't pan out, but still it is causing undo stress thanks to me.
Other ideas like work and other jobs are kinda going through my head. I feel like I want to sell everything, move up north and become a park ranger or something. I just don't think I was meant to be behind a desk all day! Does any one else feel this way?
Any whoooo, I am insane. I am going to call my sponsor and be a good boy. I am sooooo depressing my self right now.
Maybe a gratitude list will help!?
I am grateful for:
My two perty cats
My mom finally getting a divorce... soon I hope
My brother
My sister
My brother's girlly friend and his relationship seems to be going well
My health
My car
My House
My karate classes, Tang Soo Do
My friends
That I even have friends or people who call me to hang out or rely on me
That Jeff just called and wants me to sub for him tonight as the coffee guru
That I still have a job even though I don't feel like I deserve it
My health
THat I am sober
I am totally sober
I am sober
Sober sober sober!!!
Can you guess what's bugging me today? Yet another beautiful day, and I am spending it inside my little office not really doing much of anything. I have some invoices here that need coding and signing... will probably do that in a sec. Just another day of me being unhappy at work. There are just so many things going through my head... it's a little nutty.
My friend Michael, who has about 2 months sober is looking for a room to rent. I told him I may have a place for him, he is all excited about it, naturally I am having second thoughts. He wants to come over and see my place tonight after work... so I will probably do that, and see how I feel. Problem with that whole thing is that I like living alone, and in my house I have a problem with sharing my space. So that probably won't pan out, but still it is causing undo stress thanks to me.
Other ideas like work and other jobs are kinda going through my head. I feel like I want to sell everything, move up north and become a park ranger or something. I just don't think I was meant to be behind a desk all day! Does any one else feel this way?
Any whoooo, I am insane. I am going to call my sponsor and be a good boy. I am sooooo depressing my self right now.
Maybe a gratitude list will help!?
I am grateful for:
My two perty cats
My mom finally getting a divorce... soon I hope
My brother
My sister
My brother's girlly friend and his relationship seems to be going well
My health
My car
My House
My karate classes, Tang Soo Do
My friends
That I even have friends or people who call me to hang out or rely on me
That Jeff just called and wants me to sub for him tonight as the coffee guru
That I still have a job even though I don't feel like I deserve it
My health
THat I am sober
I am totally sober
I am sober
Sober sober sober!!!
Friday, October 6, 2006
Day number 34!
Well being Friday today, I really don't have all that much to do... I am looking at the clock and it is about four forty in the afternoon... painfully close to five o'clock! I have to make coffee tonight at the 8:15 meeting... I am actually looking forward to that. Some times it feels so much easier to make coffee and be at a meeting rather than work. I have all these darn invoices sitting here on my desk... I wish all these different firms used the same damn accounting practices. Half of these guys must be morons, I have columns: Contract Amount, Percent Complete, Previous Complete, Contract Amount Complete. Not one f-ing column for, yes you guessed it, Amount Due this Invoice.
That would save me the time of using my damn calculator...
Any whooo... not that I need to really be complaining. Today is a glorious day, had actually gotten some work done, and feel pretty good. I can't wait to get some AA up in here this evening. I look forward to seeing everyone and doing some service work.
And that's all she wrote...
That would save me the time of using my damn calculator...
Any whooo... not that I need to really be complaining. Today is a glorious day, had actually gotten some work done, and feel pretty good. I can't wait to get some AA up in here this evening. I look forward to seeing everyone and doing some service work.
And that's all she wrote...
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Hallo!
Well today is surely one of those beautiful days where you just don't know what the heck to do with your self. I took a two hour lunch break, and ended up just enjoying the sunshine. I can't wait to get off work... I am going to rush back to the star buck and just sit a little while longer and do some step work.
All is well today. I must get back to work and stop the day dreaming.
All is well today. I must get back to work and stop the day dreaming.
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
Peace and Serenity
So today I am doing alright. I asked my mom to leave, and leave she did. I feel way much better about it, although I am still in pseudo-recovery from her. :>) Seriously, I am still recovering from her being here. So today I am kinda blah blah, as my mind adjusts to the new found peace and tranquility. Tonight I have a meeting at 7:00. I look forward to going to get a coffee before hand, enjoying the beautiful weather, and doing some light reading.
Talk about f-ed up. Once again something has happened at work that makes no sense in my mind and goes against all of my negative, pessimistic thinking in regards to my job. They fired the VP down in our southern division today! So my boss comes in to my office and was like "yea, so I am going to be down in South Florida tomorrow, I am the new Regional VP" I was like, "no shit, are the laying anyone off?" He said, "No, if anything you are more valuable now then ever" I was like... all smiles, "Ok!"
That was like 10 minutes ago. I am still a bit depressed from my mom being here, so I shall be praying for God to remove that worry and try to focus on some of the positive things.
Best regards!
"When I see birches bend to left and right across the lines of straighter darker trees..."
Talk about f-ed up. Once again something has happened at work that makes no sense in my mind and goes against all of my negative, pessimistic thinking in regards to my job. They fired the VP down in our southern division today! So my boss comes in to my office and was like "yea, so I am going to be down in South Florida tomorrow, I am the new Regional VP" I was like, "no shit, are the laying anyone off?" He said, "No, if anything you are more valuable now then ever" I was like... all smiles, "Ok!"
That was like 10 minutes ago. I am still a bit depressed from my mom being here, so I shall be praying for God to remove that worry and try to focus on some of the positive things.
Best regards!
"When I see birches bend to left and right across the lines of straighter darker trees..."
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
Co-dependence
Happiness and Co-dependence:
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to move back in with me on Sunday, with the understanding that she would be out within a month. Well, naturally she did what she always does, nothing. She came in, and sat down, and waited for me to ask her how she was doing, and then proceeded to wait for me to tell her how to handle her divorce, tell her where she should live, tell her whether to buy or to sell, rent or own, shit or piss, work or not, where to work and all that other bull shit that I don't need to worry about.
I really am annoyed with the fact that my mother can't live her own damn life. I was totally unhappy when I got home last night (after picking up my 30 day chip). I got home, and there she was, in my space. Now, most of the time, this wouldn't be a big deal. But she is totally manic depressive, and acts like a baby. I usually read, play with my cats, watch TV, and just enjoy myself. Last night, I just sat there on the couch... kinda felt like I do when I have a girl over who I am not interested in, and waiting for her to leave. Sooo, around 10:30 I was getting a little pissy, thinking, "Jesus, is she just going to sit on the couch and wait for me to tell her to go to bed?" Sure enough, I said "I am going to bed" and naturally she said "oh me too!" Just as I thought, she was subconsciously waiting for me to tell her when it was ok for her to do something. Totally lame.
But wait! There is a happy ending to this story! I woke up this morning, still shitty that I had once again began "enabling" my mother. I knew this had to end, and she needed a little tough love. I wrote her an email and then called her within an hour of being at work. It went like this: "Mom, you need to either rent a place from someone else, other than me, or move back to one of your two condos. Those are your options, and I would like you to move out asap." There is no in between, no staying with me for 4 months like she did last time. Cut and dry, rent somewhere or go home! You can't sit around in my house feeling sorry for your self and not getting on with your life! I won't allow my serenity to be royally fucked like it was this pass summer. Did I mention that she is wealthy? If I had all the money she had, I would be living on a beach down in the Virgin Islands... Jeeze...
So, she told me today that she was feeling better about going back to her Condo on the beach in Sarasota... and that she would get out of my hair maybe even by today. I am glad I put my foot down. Everyone has told me to do so, and the last time I did not listen. Today is different. I will do what I must even if it is hard.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
(Robert Frost)
I made the mistake of allowing my mother to move back in with me on Sunday, with the understanding that she would be out within a month. Well, naturally she did what she always does, nothing. She came in, and sat down, and waited for me to ask her how she was doing, and then proceeded to wait for me to tell her how to handle her divorce, tell her where she should live, tell her whether to buy or to sell, rent or own, shit or piss, work or not, where to work and all that other bull shit that I don't need to worry about.
I really am annoyed with the fact that my mother can't live her own damn life. I was totally unhappy when I got home last night (after picking up my 30 day chip). I got home, and there she was, in my space. Now, most of the time, this wouldn't be a big deal. But she is totally manic depressive, and acts like a baby. I usually read, play with my cats, watch TV, and just enjoy myself. Last night, I just sat there on the couch... kinda felt like I do when I have a girl over who I am not interested in, and waiting for her to leave. Sooo, around 10:30 I was getting a little pissy, thinking, "Jesus, is she just going to sit on the couch and wait for me to tell her to go to bed?" Sure enough, I said "I am going to bed" and naturally she said "oh me too!" Just as I thought, she was subconsciously waiting for me to tell her when it was ok for her to do something. Totally lame.
But wait! There is a happy ending to this story! I woke up this morning, still shitty that I had once again began "enabling" my mother. I knew this had to end, and she needed a little tough love. I wrote her an email and then called her within an hour of being at work. It went like this: "Mom, you need to either rent a place from someone else, other than me, or move back to one of your two condos. Those are your options, and I would like you to move out asap." There is no in between, no staying with me for 4 months like she did last time. Cut and dry, rent somewhere or go home! You can't sit around in my house feeling sorry for your self and not getting on with your life! I won't allow my serenity to be royally fucked like it was this pass summer. Did I mention that she is wealthy? If I had all the money she had, I would be living on a beach down in the Virgin Islands... Jeeze...
So, she told me today that she was feeling better about going back to her Condo on the beach in Sarasota... and that she would get out of my hair maybe even by today. I am glad I put my foot down. Everyone has told me to do so, and the last time I did not listen. Today is different. I will do what I must even if it is hard.
"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
(Robert Frost)
Monday, October 2, 2006
Day number 30!
Good morning folks! I have 30 days sober today!
I look forward to picking up that 30 day chip this evening and for the rest of the week!
Sooo, I am on a pink cloud at the moment! Really, I am... totally weird... I may actually have a nice day at work!
I had a fair weekend... my insane mother is getting a divorce and is staying with me temporarily... I requested that she move out asap, for I fear for my sobriety with her any where near me. So hopefully she will move out soon. I told her 2 weeks max, but I think she will be out sooner rather than later.
Anywhoooo, here is one of my favorite poems from Robert Frost!
God's Garden
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
I look forward to picking up that 30 day chip this evening and for the rest of the week!
Sooo, I am on a pink cloud at the moment! Really, I am... totally weird... I may actually have a nice day at work!
I had a fair weekend... my insane mother is getting a divorce and is staying with me temporarily... I requested that she move out asap, for I fear for my sobriety with her any where near me. So hopefully she will move out soon. I told her 2 weeks max, but I think she will be out sooner rather than later.
Anywhoooo, here is one of my favorite poems from Robert Frost!
God's Garden
God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."
Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.
O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)