Day number 27?!?!?!

Ok guys, I can not freaking believe that I almost have month of sobriety!!! I believe this coming Monday or Tuesday is my 30th Day! I have not been this "Sober" since like..... April??

I am grateful today for:

That Big Book Study Group we formed last night at Jeff G.'s house, we have 6 guys and it's like an 18 week commitment to go through the big book and work the steps. I hear that it's very rewarding.
My two kitty cats!!!
My job... errr my job... come one now... I really mean it... my job... hrrrrmmph... my job :( LOL
My Mom finally getting out of an abusive relationship! About freaking time... let's see if she actually goes through with it...
My coffee commitment tonight.
Chris B. for making me a copy of the key to the church for the meeting tonight.
My sponsor for not firing me throughout all my bull shit.
My health. Shouldn't have eaten those 7 cookies at lunch time...
Xtreme fitness - I am soooo gonna go lift tonight
My Tang So Do class, and how I am going to be a Black Belt some day in the near future
This Beautiful Day
This beautiful Country
AA
And all my friends out there in AA land!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Timmma...

Graditude list!

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My kittie Cats
My job
My friends
My family
My Tang So Do class tonight
The fact that I get to leave the office in about 2 minutes
The food I am about to go eat
The TV shows I oh so love to T-Vo
The fact that now I get to leave the office in about 1 minute
The fact that even if I lost my job, or if a meteor hit the planet, right over tampa bay, I'd still be "A-OK"!

Day number 26 folks! I think...

Peace... and thank you for the comment Hippychick! You rock!

The devil went down to Georgia...

Thank you Trudge and Dave for the comments! Much appreciated! My job still kinda sucks... no matter how motivated I get, I always end up feeling idle within an hour or two. So this morning I am typing here rather than signing off invoices. Naturaly, I could stop blogging, and check out those invoices, but than I'd be back here in about 30 minutes, complaining again! So I will blog for now and surf the web... errr.. get back to work in a few minutes.

I think I may be depressed... but it's weird, cause I feel great in the evenings, and at some points during the day. Like right now, I feel pretty good. As a matter of fact, I feel good enough to do some work. But last night, I was on that pink cloud. It seems like the second I get behind this hear computer, my pink cloud vanishes!

I have this nagging demon in the back of my head telling me I am unhappy, bringing up all sorts of crazy shit to keep me from being happy. Mostly, it is worrying about things in the past and future like that meeting I have to go to tonight, or working out, lifting weights, karate... studying.... all sorts of shit. Kinda like the demon says "You are ok, but... look at all this shit you gotta do! WaHAAHA!! Nothing you have to worry about, but I am gonna make you worry anyhow!!!" Then AA comes into my head, and says: "Relax, enjoy today, be happy with your self, and don't listen to that bastard in the back of your head!"

Really, I am nuts. It's funny how I can sit here and make all these little things called life, pile up in my head, and make me not want to work. It's like I'd rather worry about stuff and not do anything, then not worry and do something. I think I am on to something. I feel good right now, I will pray to God to hang on to that feeling and try to focus on getting some work done. It is time to cast my fear of the telephone aside, time to pick up that pile of papers, time to walk through that imaginary fire and get some work done.

God help me do this job I resent for which only you know why...

Steller dude...

No comments on my previous post :( Boo hoo! Just wanted to say I am still sober today! That's all I got. Maybe I will think of something brilliant to say and post something later.

Steller dude... steller...

Day number 22!!!

Hey guys! Ok, so I shared on Friday with you that I was feeling like in my own will and all that. And it was totally true. I really wasn't in a great frame of mind, but I did end up going to the meeting Friday, and then again on Saturday, and finally on Sunday my brain started to tell me everything was ok! So Sunday I actually felt resonably good.

Any whoooo, I did call my sponsor, and big surprise here: he was at his girl friend's house. She has like 6 months sober, and he has over 2 years. But hey, it ain't my place to judge, so I will not do that! Umm.... I am going to start this big book study on Thursday this week. Appearently we go through the whole book and you get assignments to work the steps with your sponsor. So I am pretty much going to be calling my sponsor and demanding that we do the steps, and on time for my Thursday commitment.

So that should take care of my communication problem with my sponsor.

I am still pretty unhappy in my job, not sure what the hell it is, but I will try to get some work done today... you know, pick up the phone, call people, ask them for stuff, set up meetings, ask my boss for stuff, give stuff to my boss, and then proceed to stick my thumb up my @$$ and surf the internet.

Lol, ok seriously, I am going to try to be positive and find some gratitude... I really will.

Laterz!

PS: Did I mention I am sober today? One day at a time....

Day 19!

Wow! 19 days sober! I must admit, I can feel my self slowly slipping into my own will. I don't feel much like going to a meeting tonight. Luckily I have a coffee commitment, so I must show up.

I am starting to think my sponsor is no longer right for me... as a matter of fact, I don't think he has enough time in the program, because he just did something odd. He stopped going to all of the meetings he use to and stopped hanging out with all the people he use to. Plus, I don't think I have actually sat down and talked face to face with him in about 2 weeks. Shouldn't sponsors and sponsees get together atleast once a week? I feel like the connection is lost between us... maybe I should get a new sponsor? We don't go to the same meetings or anything together... maybe it's me in my own will???! I have no clue... he did just get a girl friend and has been overly obsessed with her. I think that might have alot to do with it. Oh well. I will give him a call and see what is going on.

As far as the work thing goes... I am still here, still have a job. I have started studying for that math test... I need to go buy a few math books. I figure if I study, and find I love what I am studying, there could be something there for me in the future... We shall see.

Numero 18!

Today I am thankful to be sober!

I am also still doing the job search thing... I found a job in Baltimore that would be perfect for me! I sent a resume and cover letter... we shall see. I also intend to send a resume and transcript to the Baltimore County Public Schools today and see what they say...

Besides that, I am trying to stay out of my will and except life as it is... and yes I am trying to work to the best of my ability. I have some things which need to get done this morning and afternoon... so I shall be pretty busy. Someone reminded me yesterday that all that really matters is that I am sober and that I stay sober. All this other crap is gravy!

Timmmaaa..

Still so not counting... day number 17!

So today is day number 17, not that I am counting... but damn it; where are you day number 30?

I must say that I fantasized about drinking a little last night. I don't want to drink. Last night it was raining all night and just plain sucked. I skipped the meeting and instead went to the grocery store to get some much needed food. Naturally, while looking for oregano, I ran into another alcoholic named Tom. He was standing there looking for some spices.

Funny how that works. We talked for a bit and I went home feeling a little better. I was just really depressed last night. I didn't get to ride my bike, and if I had gone to a meeting in that pissed off mood, I would have drank. That's how I get, I know the urge and how it works in me... so I called an alcoholic to talk, but left a message. I knew I couldn't go to a meeting, cause when I get in that frame of mind, I only hear my self in my own head in the meetings... and then I drink. Every relapse has been like that. I go to a meeting feeling crappy, even share about it, and then drink. It's like while I am actually sitting in the meeting, I decide to drink because I convince myself how I am not like all these other alchies... hehe. You know the thinking. So I decided to go to bed early and try again today. No sense in putting myself in a risky situation, ya know?

Today is like the most beautiful weather, this morning it was still freaking raining.. so a bit of a rough start but it got sooo much better... I feel way better. Def don't want to pick up a drink, I need to get my ass to a meeting like asap after work... and promised to meet someone there so that is for sure. After the meeting I will ride zee bike and get my work out in.

Oh yea, quick thought on the school teacher idea. I am going to take the subject area exam to become a math teacher! It is in like a month, and I have to study for it since it looks to be as hard as the shit I took in college. I feel like if I just work towards taking the exam and pass it, I will feel better, regardless of wether I decide to quit my job and go forward with that career.

Laterz...

Day number... 16?

HALLO!

Sooo... still sober! Yea me! I have been praying way more than I have in the past. Today, at lunch, I prayed and said thank you to God for helping me to stay sober. Also I prayed that I do a good job at work and that God helped me get motivated at work. Pretty much it was one of those "God please help" prayers. Lately I have been really depressed at work. I get work done, but my job just sucks. I mean the job doesn't suck... it's more like I don't feel like I want to do this for the rest of my life. Ya know? I sit in an office (with no window), and basically track about 7 projects... (real estate developments)... my job consists of this:

8:00 - get some coffee
8:30 - get some more coffee
9:00 - now it's time to start attempting to do something
9:00 - 5:00 - call about 5 different engineers at 5 different companies, ask them if they have everything they need from me. Ask them if anything is new. Get said needed items to engineer or boss... who ever needs whatever... set up meetings with said engineers. Meet with engineer to tell them what my boss wants them to do. Go back to office. Look at and sign off on invoices. Give invoices to accounting. Pay invoice. Go back to desk and wait for something to happen. Stare at computer... continue to stare at computer. Go get more coffee. Go back to computer and continue to stare.

Usually it takes about 3 hours a day to do the above. So from 9:00 - 5:00 I really don't feel like i do much... as a matter of fact, I get paid really well to do jack shit. And I don't like it. I really hate project management. I cannot stand it. All I do is call people, ask people for shit, and do shit when my boss asks for it. I never feel like I get anything accomplished! Or maybe I hate it cause my parents got me into this business and I DID NOT CHOOSE IT? I don't know... But it pays the bills, and it pays damn good. I feel like I am a fraud, and that some day someone is going to call me out and say "Hey, you suck!" Of course that would never happen, but still, that is how I feel. I really don't like this crap. I feel like I am unhappy and the longer I stay here the longer I am waisting my time. I want to try and be a school teacher. At least that is something I can do on my own without my parents or anyone else telling me what to do.

Yes I know what your advice will be... take it easy, no major changes in the first year. But I feel like I need to continue to share what is on my mind. This is a daily thing for me and my sponsor... and so it shall continue to be until God takes this shit away.

Yes I have been praying like crazy! And it helps. I know my post could probably come across as a bit peeved... but today I am pretty darn peaceful! Trying to actually do some work. Going to organize my desk area! Lord knows I need it!!

End rant.

Day 15!

Hello all! Today is day number 15! Half way to a month! Not that I am counting or anything....

So this weekend I got committed to doing an 18 week big book study where we meet once a week, read the entire book, and work the steps. Appearently you get homework and stuff... so that should be interesting!

So, today my little sister is supposed to finally leave. I feel bad, almost like I want her to stay, but I guess that is normal. Once she is gone, it will be just me in my house! Finally! I guess I am a little scared, but it is time for me to be on my own. I think my mom and sister being gone will help with my sobriety. For the last 4 months I have been almost getting this thing, only to relapse...

This last weekend my brother, sister, cousins, their 2 girl friends, and me all went kayaking at the Weeki Wachi Springs, and I saw 2 manatees!!! Not only that, my sister recorded it on video, and I touched one of em! It was cool. I have been before, but never saw manatees. I was a little in a bad mood because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do on Saturday... like stay in Tampa, read the paper in the morning, go to my morning meeting, see a movie... but it was well worth it. We were all majorly pooped by saturday afternoon. Then Sunday I finally did my thing. I slept till 11:00am on Sunday! So that was good...

I had a thought, I think I am obsessively eating out. Like not eating at home, ever, except for little snacks, I never cook dinner at home! And this costs me I, I think, about 300 bucks a month. Any thoughts about that? I was thinking about starting out simply by buying spagetti and easy to make things... but I need to cut back on the eating out.

Any how, I need to call my sponse and really work the program today. My work has suffered these last few weeks, and I have not been doing a good job. Today I will pray to God to help me do a good job at the office!

See yas!

Shit!

Wise Words from George Carlin

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit!

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember....once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Day number 12!

So I believe today is day numero 12... very cool. I am still not counting the days!

So I asked God to give me some sanity back, and surely he did just that. I may have not worked 100% today, but at least today I did not obsess over the whole "what the hell am I doing with my life?" question! I just accepted me for me, and where I am is where I am... very coool, and peaceful even got a few hours of honest work in!

My mom got the heck out of my place yesterday. She is back living with her narcissist, asshole, bastard, shit eating, whore of a pig f#cking husband. Which is great, because at least she is out of my house! She still has some shit in her room, and my little sister did not leave as was planned... so I am a little ticked that she is still there, since my mom brought her here. My sister did say she was leaving on Saturday so we shall see. Once she leaves I will be in complete peace at home. Never again will I invite those two insane freaks into my home. I still love them, but seriously, the really messed with my serenity.

Soooo, my mom offered to continue paying me rent, as she left a huge mess... all her stuff is in her bedroom, and my sister surely will leave a huge mess down stairs... so I will accept my mom's money. I feel kinda bad, cause she is not living with me, but on the other hand, her antics and insane behavior will probably require many months if not years of psycological help via doctors and AA. That being said, I will try to accept it with grace... I hate hand outs and feel like she is supplementing my mortgage. Is it my ego I feel here? I also think she is doing it to ensure I don't sell the place. Oh well. Enough of that.

I feel good. My cousin Bryan is in town, so I look forward to seeing him tonight. Will stop rambling for now... almost 5:00pm.

Peace

Day number 11... not that I am counting or anything!

Now I am confused!

Talked with alot of people about this Baltimore issue. Naturally you all can figure out what all the AA folks said. Take it easy, pray, relax, no big changes in the first year... all very good stuff which I need to hear.

Then I spilled my guts to my therapist. I wanted to see what he thought about how I have been thinking about this for months now... hell, in November last year, I was going to make the move, but got offered this job, so I stayed.... for the money. My therapist surprisingly was supportive of my thoughts. Being that this is something I have always wanted to do but didn't do because I always relied on others to make my decision for me. For instance: my job. I don't want to quit because it's easier if I just go layed off!

Another tangent, and something I should not obsess over but will anyhow because that's what we do! I was shooting emails around this morning and one of the ladies in the office who got layed off recently returned my email, (I asked her if I could use her as a referance, she has been very supportive and could see how unhappy I was before she left) she said she had "heard" that there is another round of layoffs coming in October! That's the end of our fiscal year so now I am thinking my job could still be on the line. After thinking about it, I could see how my position could be expendable... in which case, I am going to B-town anyways...

Well, not so fast! What I have decided to do after talking with countless people, is to find a job teaching in Baltimore. Once I get said job, I will pack up the car and leave... Pretty simple really. Don't leave a job without having a new one in place. But this happening over night is nuts... will probably take time. So I will relax and see what my options are and stop obsessing over this. If I can't get work up there, no big deal. Stay here. If I get fired, no big deal... no sense in worrying about that or anything.

Pray and let let God

Peace....

Day number 10!

I believe today is day numero 10... not that anyone is counting or anything! I am trying to do it one day at a time, and not think about how many days this or how many days that. I relapse every time I do that. I have prayed every morning and every night, even if just for 30 seconds... like this morning. I am trying to be happy with me as God made me... and of course I am looking for gratitude... daily!
One thing. I have been thinking, and this has been a recurring thing throughout my ENTIRE life, since I left Frederick Maryland in 1986. I have always wanted to move back to Baltimore, where my extended family is. Every christmas and summer, I spend my vacations going to B-town, because I just love my family, and want to see them. Ever since I left, when I was little, I always said to my self that I would move back after high school. Then I said I would move back after college... now, three years after college I have lost one of my grand parents... yet everyone else is still there in Baltimore... I am in Tampa Florida.

I came to Tampa to work for my Step-father and Mom, because they thought that would be best for me... not because I really liked Tampa... I was chasing the money. I know people say don't make any big changes, but this is something that I might not be able to wait for. If I wait, I feel like I will miss out on those Sunday dinners at my Dad's folk's house, or my Mom's folk's house. And of course my grand parents are only here for a short while longer. I also have uncles, aunts, and cousins I'd like to reconnect with. Mostly, I just want to live in Baltimore, because that is where my family is from and my parents dragged me away when I was little.

So, my question to you is: what shall I do? Stay here and not make any changes for a year, or sell my house, quit my job, and move up to Baltimore?

Peace....

Day number 6!

Just wanted to give a quick update! Everything is well... and I am still sober! Today was a bit of an up an down day. It's funny how it happens even when I am not working. I went to a 10:00 am meeting this morning, and I just did not want to be there. I was shitty and just not in the mood. I realized by about noon that this was odd, since I was not working and usually associate the bad moods with working. So now I realize that the mood swings are normal! And I can do something about them! Like praying and geting out of my head.. not obsessing, and letting go...

Any how, I felt shitty, and excepted that... even during lunch with everyone. I think I am just tired from a long week of AA and work. Tonight, it is about 10:30pm, and I am going to hit the sack.

Also, I am going to do some of the things that were suggested to me again tonight. I have been praying, and learning to let go of things.

Peace...

Day number 5!

Okie dokie...

Every thing seems to be going well. I must admit that emotionally I am a bit up and down... don't feel like working, feel like working, feel like working out, don't wanna work out, wanna go to a meeting, wanna tell everyone to f-off. Want stay the heck away from my home, want to go home and sleep.

I know this too shall pass.

I am grateful for Jeff G. meeting up with me last night at Barnes and Nobles after the meeting.
I am grateful to be sober today
I am grateful for everything
I am grateful grateful grateful... for everyone's advice

I plan on giving up the most important thing I have been holding onto... the evenings by myself at home. The last two nights, I have stayed out late.. until 10 or 11pm with AA folks. I need to feel more comfortable about giving up the control. I always feel like I gotta do this or I gotta do that... wel shit, I just need to be good with doing whatever. And right now, whatever means getting out of my head, going to meetings and hanging out with AAs... And let us not forget service work. Okie dokie.. I totally do need to work out tonight though... starting to feel depressed about missing two nights of exersize.

That's about it, I am still sober, and I am going to listen to people. I prayed last night and this morning, really got on my knees, and plan on doing so every night and morning.

Thats all I got folks.

Will ty to get you an update this weekend... Lord knows that is when I reeeaaally need to stay out of my head!

Peace...

Day number 4!

Howdy!

Funny, looking back at the last post... I can see a whole lot of self will and self-centeredness. I was really depressed yesterday guys, I mean, feeling hopeless and all that shit. Probably because I hadn't picked up a white chip yet, and I really hadn't told more than my sponsor and Jeff G.. But never fear! I surely went to a meeting, and sure enough, a thousand people were there, and only about 80% of them I knew. So I shared in the beginning of the meeting that I relapsed and was going to pick up a white chip. I never share by the way, so I thought I'd do something different.

Afterwards I felt great... went to have dinner with some folks even though I didn't want to, and then I went home and read the big book for an hour before going to sleep. That's where I was yesterday. Today I feel alright. Early this morning I was a little down... my usual not feeling like working mentality. I prayed about it and soon enough I was having a good day! Felt busy and wondering why I was down earlier!

Tonight I have a meeting with my psycologist... he thinks I should get on some meds for my depression... I don't know about that. I like to go to him cause I get to talk to him for an hour about me... I don't know how I feel about getting on anti-depressents... last time I took that, it made me nervous and I ended up drinking on em... so maybe I should stay away from them?? I don't know... I imagine if I work the program all that shit will work it self out in the end. Right?

Oh well. Gotta go do some work.

Peace....

Howdy! Day 3!

What gives? It's like, when I hear someone's story, I always am hearing in my head "wow, that person is messed up!". It's like noone with a high bottom ever shares. Even the highest bottoms experiance shit I haven't... any how, I am still sober! I have 3 days today! I told my sponsor, and instantly he was like "I don't know what we are going to do with you... I need to call my sponsor." I know he will naturally go straight to worst case scenerio and claim I need to be put up in a half way house for a few months... never mind my super high bottom...

How do you react to that? People seem to think that I need certain measures which I know would work, but simply can't do to my job and responsibilities... I know it sucks, I need to get sober while holding down this job, I need to get sober living my life but giving up enough of it to God that it makes a difference this time. I know I am still holding on to certain things... like being alone, at night, watching TV. I should not be doing that. I need to be out at a meeting or with someone until like... 10:00pm every night.

Does it help to write down a schedule or something? I will call my sponsor anywhooo... we are meeting tonight at 6:00pm. Got tonight covered...
Peace :)

I've relapsed!!! Day number 2!!

I relapsed!!! :) I know that you all are soooo dissapointed in me! Well, honestly, that is another problem of mine, I don't want to tell you I relapsed because I want you to think I am doing well. I care way to much what people think of me. I don't want to tell my sponsor, I don't want to tell my psycologist, I don't want to tell any one, but I am telling you all now, so that maybe it will be easier for me to tell my sponsor and everyone else.

I am sorry, once again, my way has proven to not exactly work! It's funny, I was sitting there at the Tampa Bay Round-Up, and I knew I didn't want to drink, but then I thought "well... I am planning my next drunk, I know I am going to relapse, so I might as well do it tonight so Labor Day can be my new sobriety date!" Seriously, that was what I was thinking. So then, I went and got a bottle, and drank it. Didn't have any fun... pretty much drank and watched tv... then I passed out and felt like shit on Monday. I actually feel great today... but don't let that fool you. I can't stop thinking about how I need to tell my sponsor about this...

Well, this is me being honest. I have two days of sobriety. So do I need to tell my sponsor I relapsed? If you think about it, I am making progress! 1 drunk in 30 days!! Thats not so bad is it?

Peace...

Bored

Can't think today, I believe I need a bit of sleep perhaps... I am not quite sure... Maybe I need a reeeaaly good bike ride, you know, one of those 20 miles ones... yea, the one you never do. The one you think about doing but don't do cause you are a lazy ass. Go do it! I think I will plot a course right now...

5 minutes later.... Ummm so, I think I have found a route that could be about 15 miles... maybe i shall try it? Gotta get into the mood...

I am grateful today that:

I was not fired yesterday
That my boss sees something in me that I do not
My cats love me
I am sober
I got a legal copy of Windows XP Pro, which I will install tonight, which I paid for...
I have my health
I am one damn sexy mother f$cker
My ego is huge, but slowly deflating


Peace

Hola!

Well it's official, the company has laid of like half of our department.... and I am still here. Soooo, it looks like I am going to be a little bit busier than I have been as of late. Appearently my boss loves me, cause he laid of two guys who could have taken my job, but now i have taken their's. That is really all I have got for you for now.