Merry Christmas...

Just found this pic on my mom's computer... me and sister in Santerini Greece

And stuff...

Today I am grateful for:

AA

Friends

My family

My cats

My roomy

My roomy's dog

My health

Getting sick

Feeling feelings

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For...

Peanuts
My cats
Roomy's dog
School
Tacos
Being alive
Being sober
AA
Friends who invite me over for their holiday parties!

Jonathan

This early morning, I am grateful...

.

For:

Good times... with little to no stinky thinking!
7 Pounds... what a movie! I went and saw the ten oclock showing!
Movies in general
My two cutie kitty cats
Getting sick... fracking stuffy nose
My health
Working out and stuff
My roommate
My family
Friends
AA
Being alive
Sleep.... I am tired.

Good night!

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For...

Max
Hoshi
Keiko
AA
Being Sober
My friends
And everyone who goes out after and before meetings... without you I would not be sober

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For my cats
AA
My roommate
Her dog
My health
My gym membership
Not drinking, nor smoking, nor chewing
Life in general
The sun
And tacos...

Ok, the tacos is just a random comment :)

Long day today...

I planned on having just the guys over tonight, but somehow each guy I invited over invited a girl along with him without checking with me first. Therefore, some chicks showed up extra, plus my roommate. At that point I invited the rest of the girls I usually hang with due to the obvious fact that some may have felt left out when the word got to them that I was having people over. I did not intend to step on any toes tonight, or put certain girl friends in awkward positions. It is unfortunate if that is what happened.

I really am a people pleaser... man, I gotta work on that. But hey, you can't please everybody. I do my best to try!

So that's about all that happened tonight. I had a good trip back, a bit of a flight delay in Baltimore but I got home alright. After the dinner, everyone left and I went out for a nice jog in the cool weather. Running down the street was just what the doctor ordered! So relaxing... And now I am back... chilling, getting ready for bed.

Tonight I am grateful

Jonathan

Granpa, you are sooo uplifting! Gee, thanks!

My grandfather has been dieing for the last 25 years. Every year, it is a pity part with him. He makes everything about him. Every time I leave here, he says "I hope I am still here next year..." :( "I won't be here long..." :( "poor me, poor me, woe is me, woe is me.... I have been through hell... I have been through hell. " Seriously... he is not dieing, just says he is.

He always twists everything into why he is gonna die and how his life sucks. He has been in pain I am sure... the doctors call it chronic pain. I don't believe them... He has been on opiates strong enough to kill a horse for the last 15 years. He use to drink too... alcoholicly, he had to quit due to health reasons. Anywhoo... he is basically 84 years old and will always be on these pills... he will also always be an angry bitter person... I understand this. It is sorta a joke in our family. We honestly have no idea how grandma can put up with his crap. He stretched me thin today. I do my best to ignore all of the negative crap.

My cousin got married today. On the way out of the house, I am not kidding, he looked at my other cousin Tim and I and said: "I hope I am dead by the time you get married". He was referring to how he didn't want to go to the wedding and how he is dieing... so I didn't take it personally. Lol, but man, isn't that just the most random comment! My cousin and I had a good laugh over that one.

Any whoo... that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Jonathan

Into the depths of my soul...

I am reaching... reaching for something.

Ep, got nothing. Nothing to discuss. For some reason my brain shuts off while I am in Baltimore. I can not explain it. It is like I want to say something but I can't... there just isn't anything there man! Well, I am pretty sure I posted some good "this is what I am feeling" posts earlier in the week. Everything I posted is still spot on...

Maybe I just suck at blogging.

Well, I feel like I don't talk completely about everything I'd like to say... you know, I want to just lay it all out there. I want to talk more about my fears and dreams. I have some dreams you know. I want to tell them to you. I also want to share with you my fears and why they hamper my progress. Specifically, I'd talk about that fear of rejection.

Key word progress... not perfection.

Well, how would I begin? I have a dream. I dream that one day I will be a doctor. That is in the future, so I keep that dream in the back of my mind... not totally in the conscious. My big dream today is to live in the moment, one day at a time. My fear is that you will reject me. That she will reject me. That people in the rooms will reject me. I don't like that fear, so I ask that God remove it from me when it crops up. I still don't know what to do about my feelings for the window flower. I am not sure I ever will.

Tiny steps, on at a time.

I will continue to dream big while keeping my feet in the moment. I do that with the help of those random people I meet in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. With out them, I would be lost, helpless, and alone.

Jonathan

Today I am grateful and thankful.

The Raven...

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
'Tis the wind and nothing more."

Chilling out with the grand parents today... my aunt is picking me up for lunch with aunt #2 who will promptly take me to grandma for more food. My wrists are still sore from the handcuffs from the other day, when my grandparents handcuffed me to the dinner table while forcing me to eat copious amounts of chocolate cake and ice cream. Eat young one eat... hhahahaha!

Lol, not quite like that, but close.

I am still excited to get studying for the MCAT. Nothing new there. I fashioned an antenna out of some copper wire and stuck it in the laptop's wireless card. I think it is working better now! My cousin's wedding is tomorrow, and tonight I am having dinner with my Dad's brother, my aunt and my cousing over here at my dad's parent's house. Anyway... exciting I know.

Nothing really deep to say or talk about... still on vacation and excited to go home on Sunday.

Today I am grateful and Thankful

Jonathan

Of oysters and blue crab

I like to eat...

One thing I don't like, is being away from my gym! I feel a bit like I am trapped with nothing to do but eat! Lol, good thing I brought my computer with me to Baltimore. Otherwise this trip would be super boring.

Don't get me wrong. I love my grandparents, and we spend a lot of quality time together! Maybe I am just struggling in figuring out what to type. How do you guys do it? Come up with good stuff? Hmm..

Yea, I got nothing... I am sober!

Woot!

Jonathan

Today I am grateful for:

My sponsor
My friends
My family
AA

Of scrapple and eggs... mmmmm

Just ate a shit-ton of scrapple and eggs. Not sure if you know what that is. Scrapple is like all the left overs from the pig all ground up and put into a cube of meet. A big hunking cube of yummie goodness.

I had a girl friend tell me not to eat too much while I was up here since I had a "good body". I blushed... then promptly told her my grandparents had strapped me down to the kitchen table and were gleefully forcing food down my throat! Death by gluttony!

I think the plan today is to go to the grocery store. I think I will visit my grand father's grave while I am here too... its only a mile or two walk from their house. Tomorrow I will get to see my grand father's surgery... fun stuff. That kinda sucks though, cause we have to get up there at the butt crack of dawn. Eh, oh well. I don't mind getting up early, more time to spend with the grand parents!

Currently I have been hand-cuffed to the chair and am being forced to watch "the price is right"! Arrrghhhh help! Lol, jk. This is what my grand parents do! I think I will crack open that book I brought with... Anywhoo...

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Dr. Bobs Last Message

DR. Bob's last message, Cleveland Ohio 1950

My good friends in AA and of AA. I feel I would be very remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to welcome you here to Cleveland not only to this meeting but those that have already transpired. I hope very much that the presence of so many people and the words that you have heard will prove an inspiration to you - not only to you, but may you be able to impart that inspiration to the boys and girls back home who were not fortunate enough to be able to come. In other words, we hope that your visit here has been both enjoyable and profitable.

I get a big thrill out of looking over a vast sea of faces like this with a feeling that possibly some small thing that I did a number of years ago, played an infinitely small part in making this meeting possible. I also get quite a thrill when I think that we all had the same problem. We all did the same things. We all get the same results in proportion to our zeal and enthusiasm and stick-to-itiveness. If you will pardon the injection of a personal note at this time, let me say that I have been in bed five of the last seven months and my strength hasn't returned as I would like, so my remarks of necessity will be very brief.

But there are two or three things that flashed into my mind on which it would be fitting to lay a little emphasis; one is the simplicity of our Program. Let's not louse it all up with Freudian complexes and things that are interesting to the scientific mind, but have very little to do with our actual AA work. Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service. We understand what love is and we understand what service is. So let's bear those two things in mind.

Let us also remember to guard that erring member - the tongue, and if we must use it, let's use it with kindness and consideration and tolerance.

And one more thing; none of us would be here today if somebody hadn't taken time to explain things to us, to give us a little pat on the back, to take us to a meeting or two, to have done numerous little kind and thoughtful acts in our behalf. So let us never get the degree of smug complacency so that we're not willing to extend or attempt to, that help which has been so beneficial to us, to our less fortunate brothers. Thank you very much.

Wind and a Window Flower

LOL!

I love living bicariously throug my mom. She is too funny. She saw Hulk Hogan at the mall and went up to him and said "Hi Terry! I'm your neighbor!" She is nutz... Then she is going out tonight with an old BF who drives a ferrari... Nice. I told her I approve of the relationship as long as I get to drive the car! :) Actually, he is a good guy. I know he means well.

Hehe... Oh! I found a poem I like, which relates to a guy, liking a girl who does not like him back! I think that is what it means anyway... so that's what I am posting. Me the wind and she the flower.

Wind and a Window Flower - Robert Frost

LOVERS, forget your love,
And list to the love of these,
She a window flower,
And he a winter breeze.
When the frosty window veil
Was melted down at noon,
And the caged yellow bird
Hung over her in tune,
He marked her through the pane,
He could not help but mark,
And only passed her by,
To come again at dark.
He was a winter wind,
Concerned with ice and snow,
Dead weeds and unmated birds,
And little of love could know.
But he sighed upon the sill,
He gave the sash a shake,
As witness all within
Who lay that night awake.
Perchance he half prevailed
To win her for the flight
From the firelit looking-glass
And warm stove-window light.
But the flower leaned aside
And thought of naught to say,
And morning found the breeze
A hundred miles away.

One more day in Tampa

Just sitting up at the Panerra Bread up off Howard before I hit the bank, workout, and go to a meeting. I am excited to be able to travel to Baltimore tomorrow. I get to stay with my grand-parents and go to my cousin's wedding.

On top of that, my grand-father is getting some surgery done on his eye, and my Aunt Kathy is going to try and get me to scrub in during the procedure! I have found it tedious lately to get motivated to go up to Pasco County and shadow my doctor friend... so it will be nice to get into a surgery. Plus, how cool is that to see your own relative go under the knife? Well, I think it's kinda cool anyway.

Not much else to report. Just moving along and doing the next right thing. Trying to stay motivated with the schooling too. I can't wait to get my study materials for the MCAT so I can get started asap.

I am going on a cruise the week after Christmas to Mexico and Belize, then I get back to Tampa and am flying to London, BY MY SELF! Its going to be great! I am staying with a British family I met in Turkey. I know... random. But cool right? I am stepping out of my comfort zone big time. When they invited me to stay with them, the old me would say no thanks... who wants to socialize anyway right? The new me said yes, but fear was screaming no in the back of my head! So anyway... random posting again...

Today I am going to a meeting at some point. I look forward to it... my moment of serenity.

Jonathan

Dinner and sobriety..

Tonight I went to the Bayshore meeting, and then hung out with a group of folks afterward. I really enjoyed the evening. All of my friends are just so cool.

I am really grateful for my roommate right now. I don't know why... just glad she is here. We are total opposites, so it's interesting. I get to practice patience with her and also my social skills. I realize that acceptance is the answer in everything I do today. We have different life styles, so in accepting her and including her in my home will result in some growth on my part! I get to see my character defects due to her being here.

I heard that relationships bring the defects out... this is no different, except we aren't sleeping together :)

That is about all for now. I am going to Baltimore in the morning and I plan on staying up fairly late tonight to pack and finalize some stuff on this end.

Oh yea, one more thing... need advice from the blogosphere...

I think I have a crush on one of my friends. Not sure what to do about it. I need to post this stuff, that is why I write a blog. This is one of the few places I get to be honest... almost as honest as I get with my sponsor. So yea, I think I like one of my friends. I don't think she is interested in me, so I really haven't pursued her. I have not ever even talked to her about this... and unsure of wether I should. But it is interesting feeling the way I do... its like I think there is no chance in hell that she'd remotely be interested... so I shut that thought down when it comes to mind. Typical low self esteem and huge ego.

So yea, I think my low self-esteem kicks in and says "NO WAY buddy! You loser! Girls don't think you are good looking! You suck! You are not COOL!". Anytime I think I like a girl these thoughts enter my mind and I immediatly go to friend mode... its easier that way, no risk for rejection! LOL! I have lots of girl friends as a direct result of this mechanism! Or maybe I am just a nice guy, and people want to be my friend too! Haha... I am cracking myself up tonight. Eh, I am tired. You know, it will all work out. God has a plan and I am just gonna keep on following his path and see where it leads.

:)

I am grateful for being single
I am thankful for my friends
and happy to be sober!

Jonathan

Dinner with friends in St. Pete

Two of my closest guy friends and I, drove to St. Petersburg tonight to have dinner at an awesome mexican restaurant. It was a lot of fun.

I have only been done with the semester for half a week, and I feel like I need to start studying again! I have to prepare for the MCAT and rock all of my classes next semester. I figure that the MCAT study material should be here by the time I get back from Baltimore, next Sunday. That will give me a good solid two weeks during the holidays when I can study for atleast a few hours each day.

I just feel weird not doing anything... I can't be unproductive with that huge test out there... gotta stay focused. Just a few hours a day.

Hmmmm, not much else to report. I got a new laptop computer.... very cool. No complaints yet. I leave for B-Town on Tuesday. So I will not be posting due to lack of computer access. Unless of course I decide to take this bad boy wih me.... probably won't. Gotta enjoy the family.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Of Mice and Men

Random title... has no meaning here. Theoretically it could refer to our human existance and what it means to be a part of humanity. How little we leave behind but how meaningful our existance is... Read the book if you are scratching your head.

I had breakfeast this morning with a good friend. I think friends are important in our lives. Friends that really truly look out for your best interests, selflessly. Key word: selfless. Not selfish. I have no time for selfishness.

Ok, so selfishness in its self is not really a bad thing all the time. I selfishly look out for myself alot. I go to meetings selfishly. I go for me, not you. Sometimes I will go to a meeting specifically to meet someone who asked to hang out. That is a mix of selfless and selfish. I go for you, but I am really there for me... deep down anyway. Ah... interesting life we live. I think today we will do dinner. I shall call some folks and see about it anyway.

Time to get off my ass and go do something!! I hate sitting around my house... how lame is that? I use to sit on my couch and watch alot of tv. I use to spend a lot of time at home. I use to not go to a lot of meetings. I relapsed often. I have no business sitting around doing nothing. Ok, unless its quality me time. But seriously... I need about 1 hour of me time, and that is it. Anymore than that and I am being a selfish, foolish, self-defeating, wallowing in self-pity, douche bag. LOL Thank god my lifestyle has changed since way back when... man, funny how you change when you TRULY get sober.

Today I am grateful...

Jonathan

Great evening!

I had a grand time tonight at the party. My friend Megan invited me to come over to her christmas party! I quickly observed who was drinking heavily and who was hardly drinking. Quite a few of the guys were completely tanked. Even though they were wasted, I totally found it slightly entertaining. I wasn't even that nervous. It turns out that her bf's grand parents know my ex-stepdad. We talked for a good hour or two about real estate development up in New Hampshire and in Tampa.

Crazy small world. Another guy there appearently manages one of our FAVORITE pizza places in hyde park. I told him I'd hit him up the next time we were there. Also, this other dude is a private investigator, and he totally knows my friend Chris!? Random.

So the guys were all hillarious, the girls were nice, and my friend was super cool as usual. She bought me some diet coke, so I was good for the evening. I really had a pleasant time. You know, back in the day, I use to feel like I didn't fit in, and drank because of it. Tonight, I didn't feel that way. I talked, I laughed, I got out of my head, I enjoyed the night. I left not wondering what everyone thought of me, but thinking of how nice of an evening it was.

These people were normal folks my age... mostly military, so you can imagine how drunk some of them got. Any whooo, fun night. I was tired and getting bored after watching them do the silly things drunks do, so I came home. And now I am going to sleep, happy to be a part of society rather than apart from!

Tonight I am grateful and Thankful

Jonathan

Merry Christmas!

Going to a "normal" people party tonight. I am a tad bit nervous, since I only know the girl who is throwing the party. I do not know all of her friends or anyone in her social circle. So I guess this will be interesting... Practicing the socializing with out a bunch of alcoholics I can immediately relate too!

:)

Wish me luck!

Jonathan

Serenity

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

My mind isn't working yet this morning. I think finals sapped it of most of its power. Lol. I am just sorta staring at the screen while my oil is getting changed. I am up at the Lexus dealer getting the 30,000 mile check-up thingy ma-bob. It is pouring down rain today in Tampa. I don't want to look outside mostly because it just looks nasty out.

I was thinking about going to see "Bolt" the movie.... it looks funny. I think my brain could use that today. I may not though. My mom said she wanted to have dinner today when she gets back from Miami.

I was reading the wall street journal thins morning. The status of our economy worries me. China even is shedding jobs with exports decreasing for the first time in 7 years. Apparently even their middle class is disappearing, sapping growth and eliminating prospects for millions of their countries poor. I read once that most revolutions in history occurred just after a period of growth. Primarily when a society is pulled out of poverty and then have their new-found wealth taken from them... Could that be happening in China?

Its like giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. People revolt. I am wondering if this may happen in China, India, Pakistan, or other places where growth has pulled people into the middle class. I still think living in America is the best place on the planet. No doubt about that. Any down turn we face is nothing compared to what third world countries will experience. We are spoiled here. I am grateful for that. (Not grateful for all of the world's poor, I mean, what can we do??)

Evolution, survival of the fittest... that pretty much sums it up for ya.

Fighting between two different populations in the same species occurs when resources are drawn thin, and each group seeks to protect its young and secure resources to survive. They will fight each other when in the same proximity and must compete. Life is like this across the planet in millions of different species. I think we forget sometimes as Americans that the human race is a species, and we are but one population. We need to look out for our population sometimes, and be wary of others... 7 Billion people on the planet, we are but maybe 5% of the total population.

This is why I don't think we should be so quick to try and appease the rest of the world. Screw them. Take care of America first.

I have nothing really super spiritual to say today. The coffee is starting to help wake me up.

Jonathan

What the heck you looking at buddy?!

Grrr...

I think I will take that computer there, nice and secluded in the corner. Why would I want someone else reading my awesome personal stuff? I am feeling fiesty today. I think finals are wearing me a bit thin. I look forward to this evening. I went ahead and called my buddy and asked him if he wanted to chill for a bit later on. The answer is maybe, so maybe we will, maybe we wont, or maybe I will find someone else to chill with if he falls through.

No biggy.

Damn that chick was hot.

Sorry, in the library computer lab and my mind wanders....

Where was I? Oh, ok, so what's up? Nada, zilch, zippo, nunca... nothing. But is nothing really so bad? Not really. Its a good thing. I was just thinking today about stuff. Yea, me thinking, always a good thing. I think it is funny, rejection and the whole dating thing. I can see why people shouldn't date within the first year, or perhaps first few years. It seems like you put all this energy into someone else and it may or may not work out. Rejection sucks. It like totally can throw me through a loop for about... 5 minutes or so. Lol. It wasn't always like that. When I was in Highschool, I took rejection really bad. Same in college but to a less extent. Back then, I had alcohol to cope... and cope I would!

Today I get rejected and I am like... "eh? rejected! Awe man...! How un-cool! That b-i-t-c-h! Haha!" Then I realize that I am attracted to her and she is just not attracted to me. I can see why we are different and why she isn't into me or me her depending on the situation. Its easier when its you not into her, it sucks when your on the other end. After getting the rejection letter, I move along and ask for forgiveness because I am a selfish being not living in acceptance when I react negatively like that. Sure it hurts a little, but if I don't atleast take a few chicks out, I will never know.

For people new to sobriety, I can see how this dating thing can take you out. You have to put energy into it, but you HAVE to keep sobriety first. That is the hardest thing to do. And its funny, cause you don't mean to put sobriety second... not consiously anyway. It slowly happens, I think your inner-self thinks that the solution is in a relationship and not the rooms. I am telling you that the solution is in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, and that is where I go to stay sober. Staying sober still trumps getting laid. I am glad I still feel that way.

So you... you there, hot chick over on the next computer! Stay away! I know you want it... lol ;) I wish.

Some people I think take the relationship thing to far, and make it the center of their little world. I know a few of these people. I am glad they found their higher power. My higher power is currently not another person. I don't put too much stock in other people as they tend to fail to live up to our expectations. I certainly won't rely on another person for my emotional well being. I feel sorry for those that do. That must suck to be so codependant. I like being independant.

In spite of recently rejecting a few girls and being rejected atleast a few times myself, I am still going to keep an open mind to relationships. I do want to have kids one day, I have heard that finding a female is step number 1 in that quest... (naturally you could get kids by unconventional means... adoption, etc...)

Jonathan

Finals almost done!

My brain is completely fried. I can't study much more... I have a Biology final tomorrow morning and Physics in the afternoon. I feel like sleeping. I think I may just do that, since I have to get up early in the morning. Study smart, not hard!

If you can't do what you gotta do, just walk away and do it later. That has worked for me in the past... so I shall do that. Maybe I will take a nap or just veg-out on some t-vo!

Lol.

It was really nice today. It must have been in the mid 70's around two o'clock, so I went for a swim! The water was freaking cold! But that's OK. It woke me up temporarily. I then laid out for about an hour. So yea, that was nice. I went up to Starbucks to study, but just kept yawning and feeling drowsy. I couldn't study. So now I am home.

I have to start studying for the MCAT this month. I have an idea for a study plan... basically it's a 6-month study plan... so that should be fun! As soon as finals are over I am gonna work on that. Soooo, more on that later!

No complaints today. I am serene and my mind is clear of thought.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Letter to future me...

Letter to me. This is me sitting down, and looking across the table at me 30-60 years from now. I read about doing this in psychology monthly... love that magazine.

Dear Me,

Jonathan. Hi. First I want to say I am sorry if I did not do the things you dreamt of doing, and that I tried my best to get there and live a full life. I tried the best that I knew how, to enjoy the day and keep it at just one day at a time. I regret never moving to Baltimore... I somehow think that life would be better (or worse) for you if I did. I am sorry if you did not get to spend as much time with your grand parents when they were still here. I did however try, and returned twice, sometimes three times a year to spend time with them. I hope you forgive me if that was not enough. Sometimes, it does not seem to be enough.

I am trying to become something great. I am ok with mediocre, if that's what God's will is, but I am shooting for the stars anyway! It will take many years and sacrifices to achieve, but I feel that looking back, you will be proud of me, and what we became. Sometimes I wonder if I am on the right path. I pray for your sake that I am. I do not want to let you down. I only want the best for you and hope my choices led you to a full life of happiness and love; with many friends and family.

I am sorry that we lived away from family. I know it can be rough. Perhaps I can still change that, and keep those whom I hold dear the closest.

I hope you and your brother are still "the usual suspects" and that your relationship with him is awesome. I hope Katie has found her way, and that you've done your best to love her like a good brother should. I bet that you did, you are a good guy. I'd like for us three to live close together some day, you, Katie, and Gregory... that would be nice. Has that come to be?

I work out almost daily, and eat healthily. I hope that has paid off for you and allowed you to age well. I also quit chewing tobacco and do not smoke or drink alcohol anymore. I take care of my teeth like grandma always said, and recently had the dentist screen me for oral cancer. I am trying my best to look out for you. I'd like to live a long time, and I assume you do to. In looking at you across the table, I feel like your physical and mental health or the two most important things. I hope you are happy with the way I treated your body in your younger years. It is the least that I can do for you. We are the same person, you and I...

Do you have kids or grand kids? Are you married or single? Do you have many friends? How is your professional life? All questions I'd love to hear about. Maybe you'd be so kind and write me a note back? Regardless of what you are doing, I bet its still just one day at a time. I bet you lead a peaceful life.

I must admit, you and I aren't the best at the love thing. I try at that too, I hope I can come out of my shell for your sake, a bit more. I think I have come out a good bit. At this point it seems I just have to meet the right girl who likes what she sees. I am coming into my own and feel at ease. Discovering myself is paramount to this thing called love. How can someone love me if I do not know who I am in my heart?

I hope one day I will meet your wife, and she will like me for me, and see the good she sees in you. Looking back, do you see all the dating and silly games girls play and see how funny it all is? I will continue to do the footwork, and put that in Gods hands. I hope that you, sitting there in your golden years, have a warm home and grandchildren on your mind. If not, I am sorry. I will try my best to not let you down.

I am sorry if it took a few years, but I think I don't yet know my true self. Its getting closer everyday, that moment of pure clarity. I am happy today. I am taking steps in the right direction. I hope they lead you to even more happiness. It seems I am on the right path, picking flowers God has given, and avoiding thorns of av'rice. (Robert Frost)

In closing, I wish you well. I hope you've aged as well as I think you will. I hope you bring happiness to all those you touch, just like grandpa Herman, with a hint of pop-John. I bet you were successful, and happy... and now looking back at me realize how little you knew way back when. Now, late in life, I bet you smile when you think about how little faith you had; and how that changed when you challenged your self. I hope you smile remembering all of the trials and tribulations. I bet you made out alright. I have faith in you. With that faith, I will trudge the road to happy destiny.

I bet you're content, grateful, and thankful for all of life's gifts.

Be good, say hi to everyone that made the journey with you. Say a prayer for those who didn't make it. And Jonathan... don't do anything I wouldn't do. :)

Sincerely,

Jonathan

Sober one more day... ;)

Sober one more day.

That is fabulous!

Last night I got bogged down in studying for the O-Chem Final today. (I just got done taking it) So I get all bogged down and tired studying, and decided to meet a friend for coffee out in Brandon. Yes, Brandon, that's like 15 minutes east of Tampa. You know, just sitting with someone and hearing what they are going through, really puts it into perspective for me. I had absolutely no idea that his person had some of these "issues" going on with them. They are not an alcoholic, and I would consider them to be super normal... very at ease and seemingly comfortable in their own skin.

Last night, somehow we started talking about family, which is something we hadn't really ever talked about before. I have known her for a while, so I really wasn't expecting any huge Revelations when she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was thinking.. "oh cool, a quick break from studying to break the monotony!" Awesome right?

Yes, it was awesome. As we were talking, I realized just how good I have it.

Side note: I usually don't raise my hand in meetings to complain about stuff going on in my life, because I feel like there really isn't anything worth complaining about. Ok, so if a family member dies, my cat dies, or my job is lost... I get it, I will share about it maybe...... but none of that day-to-day crap like "I hate my job, or I hate my coworker..." I feel like if I can't share about the solution then just stay quite and listen. I know some people feel the need to share about everything and anything... more power to ya; it does not work for me.

So yea, she totally opened up to me about her family. Estranged father, mother committed suicide, older sister is a drug abuser, in and out of jail, and money is in short supply. She mentioned how much she was saving and how the car payment was gonna eat into her savings. I mentioned that I thought she was going back to school, and asked how it was going. She said she had to work this year and save, so she could go next year.

I am pretty sure there are some other tragic things I am forgetting, but seriously, her mom killed herself, her dad left, her sisters are self destructing, and here she is... she's surprisingly happy. Just happy. I was so taken back by how freaking happy she was and calm about everything. It was like she was totally cool with how things were turning out in her life. I just kinda thought about how cool that was. Not only is her immediate family situation the way it is, her extend family is equally MESSED up! So she has almost no family that is worth being around. Its hard not to feel sorry for her. Naturally, she is the type that wouldn't have any of that self-defeating behavior. But looking at her I saw the awesome things in my life I take for granted. I think I do sometimes take for granted all of the things that had to occur in my life to get me where I am today. I mean... going allll the way back to 1981. My grandparents, uncles, cousins, mom, and dad, all played a huge role in raising us kids. Family is huge, and I am glad I got a good one.

I was just so thankful for my own family. Looking at my mom and dad, sister and brother, cousins, uncles and grandparents.. just looking at them all - Man I am freaking lucky! My family is awesome. I have good, kind hearted people surrounding me. I just wanna say that I am grateful for them, and today really have nothing to complain about.... not a damn thing. ;)


Jonathan

Turn it off...

Just needed to turn off my brain temporarily! I have been studying quite a bit today and yesterday. It is very stressful!

So let's recount what went on this weekend. I went to the Friday nigh Bayshore With Room to Grow group at 8:15pm... it was nice. A good solid group of friends turned out, and it was super nice to see everybody again. It had been a good week or two due to the thanksgiving holidays. Afterword, we all went out to dinner and ate some sushi till about 10:30ish.

It was mostly us guys plus one girly girl, whom I have known for a few years. We had a blast! I didn't eat, but did order two large waters to rehydrate after drinking a bunch of coffee at the "bucks" up off Hillsborough Ave. It was awesome to hang out with the guys, as usual.

On Saturday, the studying continued. I had breakfeast with yet another friend at Pinky's restaurant on Bay to Bay. That was uber cool, as usual. I did tons more studying for the rest of the day, and then went to my commitment (for the last two+ years), to set up the saturday night fever meeting. We have to get there a good hour and fifteen minutes early to set it up. It is my favorite meeting of the week. I do not ever fore-see me not doing service there. It keeps me plugged in to the group, just like all the other meetings.

We went out to 220 down there on Davis Island after that. It was a good turn out, with 2 tables! I got invited to hang out with Max afterwords and hang out his brother's art gallery for a bit. I helped him break down everything and put some furniture away because it was late and they were closing down shop. I was grateful to be able to spend time with Max, and also his brother. I think that they are cool dudes.

At that point, I went home and went to sleep! Today I studied for 4 hours in the morning at Borders book store off Dale Mabry... nothing exciting about that. I went to work out for an hour break, then I heard that our Professor was having office hours today at 2:00pm, so I am at the library typing this so I can go talk to him!

Exciting life eh?

No complaints today. I gotta study some more... trying to keep in the moment and be well!

Jonathan

Don't forget!!! :)

Always we hope someone else has the answer.
Some other place will be better, it will all turn out.

This is it.

No one else has the answer.
No other place will be better,
and it has already turned out.


~~Lao-tzu

I am tired!

Man, totally tired.

I have finals on Monday and Wednesday. I had two lab finals yesterday and got only a few hours of sleep last night due to the late night and more studying. I still feel well and in the zone. I just dashed home to take the dog out before returning to school.

I am going to England in January to visit with an awesome family who were so kind as to invite me to stay with them for a week! Bill emailed me this morning just to follow up to see how I was doing. These english folk are really nice! It should be interesting. I am looking forward to the cultural exchange!

Not much else to report. I look forward to hanging out with my friends this weekend. It's great to be sober today... inspite of the headache and sniffles! :)

Today I am grateful!

Jonathan

As Ferris Bueller said... "Life can pass you by if you don't stop and take a look around."

So look around already!

One day at a time...

Thank you for my sobriety today. I am incredibly grateful to all my blogger peeps out there, who share with me how you do it. I am also grateful to all of those in AA in the Tampa Bay area... especially those few who helped me out through all of the relapses and early sobriety.

Today my computer somehow died on me. I am not sure how, but certainly now I have to troubleshoot it at some point. I think I will wait until after finals :). Luckily, I am a nerd at heart, and had a spare computer or two lieing around! :)

As I went throughout my day today, I tried to stay in conscious contact with that serene feeling, knowing that everything was going to be alright. I had very little worries, inspite of all of the pressure I am feeling at school. It's amazing how we can stay sober through this. It is as if the obsession has been removed. Lately, even more so than say... last week, I have been a.o.k. When I say ok, I mean devoid of restlessness, self-pity, worry, and other self-destructive thinking. I am in the zone. This too shall pass, I know. But I also know that all thoughts and feelings come and go. It is the nature of the mind. I feel like I am starting to get it, the more I feel the more I let go. And the answere is to keep on coming back, to keep on pushing the envelope of serenity and sobriety. To do those things we are told will make us better and keep us in God's hands.

God let me do your will today! Not mine, yours! Anything but mine! Let me do what you will have me do, and pray for what your will is, because that is the only thing I know of that will keep me sober, and serene.

Okie doke, so beside the above... I have an organic chemistry and biology lab final tomorrow! Fun stuff. I also have two lab reports which need to be finished... I plan on doing that in the morning. So good night and be good!

Thanks for reading my blog, blog-o-sphere friends, you help keep me sober!

Today I am grateful and thankful,

Jonathan

Gratitude List...

Today, I was at the dentist and I realized how incredibly grateful I was for:

My awesome clean white teeth!
- appearently, the coffee stains are removable... sweet!
My top score on the O-Chem Exam...
My cats are alive and well
My health
My physical fitness and awesome physique :-)
My social network
My place in the world
AA
AA DAAve... who actually posts comments for me to approve! Thank you Dave!

And, I was incredibly grateful to spend a few hours at the dentist! Got my teeth cleaned, a potential cavity was spotted, x-rayed, and drilled on, and naturally the conversation is always awesome!

My dentist of 5 years and I, talked about school, vacation, and family. It was fun. I didn't get the chance to complete all of my school work, but I hope to do that later tonight.

Hmmm, can't think of anything really "deep" to say at the moment.

Today I am grateful and thankful!

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

-- Robert Frost