Merry Christmas...

Just found this pic on my mom's computer... me and sister in Santerini Greece

And stuff...

Today I am grateful for:

AA

Friends

My family

My cats

My roomy

My roomy's dog

My health

Getting sick

Feeling feelings

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For...

Peanuts
My cats
Roomy's dog
School
Tacos
Being alive
Being sober
AA
Friends who invite me over for their holiday parties!

Jonathan

This early morning, I am grateful...

.

For:

Good times... with little to no stinky thinking!
7 Pounds... what a movie! I went and saw the ten oclock showing!
Movies in general
My two cutie kitty cats
Getting sick... fracking stuffy nose
My health
Working out and stuff
My roommate
My family
Friends
AA
Being alive
Sleep.... I am tired.

Good night!

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For...

Max
Hoshi
Keiko
AA
Being Sober
My friends
And everyone who goes out after and before meetings... without you I would not be sober

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

For my cats
AA
My roommate
Her dog
My health
My gym membership
Not drinking, nor smoking, nor chewing
Life in general
The sun
And tacos...

Ok, the tacos is just a random comment :)

Long day today...

I planned on having just the guys over tonight, but somehow each guy I invited over invited a girl along with him without checking with me first. Therefore, some chicks showed up extra, plus my roommate. At that point I invited the rest of the girls I usually hang with due to the obvious fact that some may have felt left out when the word got to them that I was having people over. I did not intend to step on any toes tonight, or put certain girl friends in awkward positions. It is unfortunate if that is what happened.

I really am a people pleaser... man, I gotta work on that. But hey, you can't please everybody. I do my best to try!

So that's about all that happened tonight. I had a good trip back, a bit of a flight delay in Baltimore but I got home alright. After the dinner, everyone left and I went out for a nice jog in the cool weather. Running down the street was just what the doctor ordered! So relaxing... And now I am back... chilling, getting ready for bed.

Tonight I am grateful

Jonathan

Granpa, you are sooo uplifting! Gee, thanks!

My grandfather has been dieing for the last 25 years. Every year, it is a pity part with him. He makes everything about him. Every time I leave here, he says "I hope I am still here next year..." :( "I won't be here long..." :( "poor me, poor me, woe is me, woe is me.... I have been through hell... I have been through hell. " Seriously... he is not dieing, just says he is.

He always twists everything into why he is gonna die and how his life sucks. He has been in pain I am sure... the doctors call it chronic pain. I don't believe them... He has been on opiates strong enough to kill a horse for the last 15 years. He use to drink too... alcoholicly, he had to quit due to health reasons. Anywhoo... he is basically 84 years old and will always be on these pills... he will also always be an angry bitter person... I understand this. It is sorta a joke in our family. We honestly have no idea how grandma can put up with his crap. He stretched me thin today. I do my best to ignore all of the negative crap.

My cousin got married today. On the way out of the house, I am not kidding, he looked at my other cousin Tim and I and said: "I hope I am dead by the time you get married". He was referring to how he didn't want to go to the wedding and how he is dieing... so I didn't take it personally. Lol, but man, isn't that just the most random comment! My cousin and I had a good laugh over that one.

Any whoo... that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Jonathan

Into the depths of my soul...

I am reaching... reaching for something.

Ep, got nothing. Nothing to discuss. For some reason my brain shuts off while I am in Baltimore. I can not explain it. It is like I want to say something but I can't... there just isn't anything there man! Well, I am pretty sure I posted some good "this is what I am feeling" posts earlier in the week. Everything I posted is still spot on...

Maybe I just suck at blogging.

Well, I feel like I don't talk completely about everything I'd like to say... you know, I want to just lay it all out there. I want to talk more about my fears and dreams. I have some dreams you know. I want to tell them to you. I also want to share with you my fears and why they hamper my progress. Specifically, I'd talk about that fear of rejection.

Key word progress... not perfection.

Well, how would I begin? I have a dream. I dream that one day I will be a doctor. That is in the future, so I keep that dream in the back of my mind... not totally in the conscious. My big dream today is to live in the moment, one day at a time. My fear is that you will reject me. That she will reject me. That people in the rooms will reject me. I don't like that fear, so I ask that God remove it from me when it crops up. I still don't know what to do about my feelings for the window flower. I am not sure I ever will.

Tiny steps, on at a time.

I will continue to dream big while keeping my feet in the moment. I do that with the help of those random people I meet in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. With out them, I would be lost, helpless, and alone.

Jonathan

Today I am grateful and thankful.

The Raven...

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice:
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;-
'Tis the wind and nothing more."

Chilling out with the grand parents today... my aunt is picking me up for lunch with aunt #2 who will promptly take me to grandma for more food. My wrists are still sore from the handcuffs from the other day, when my grandparents handcuffed me to the dinner table while forcing me to eat copious amounts of chocolate cake and ice cream. Eat young one eat... hhahahaha!

Lol, not quite like that, but close.

I am still excited to get studying for the MCAT. Nothing new there. I fashioned an antenna out of some copper wire and stuck it in the laptop's wireless card. I think it is working better now! My cousin's wedding is tomorrow, and tonight I am having dinner with my Dad's brother, my aunt and my cousing over here at my dad's parent's house. Anyway... exciting I know.

Nothing really deep to say or talk about... still on vacation and excited to go home on Sunday.

Today I am grateful and Thankful

Jonathan

Of oysters and blue crab

I like to eat...

One thing I don't like, is being away from my gym! I feel a bit like I am trapped with nothing to do but eat! Lol, good thing I brought my computer with me to Baltimore. Otherwise this trip would be super boring.

Don't get me wrong. I love my grandparents, and we spend a lot of quality time together! Maybe I am just struggling in figuring out what to type. How do you guys do it? Come up with good stuff? Hmm..

Yea, I got nothing... I am sober!

Woot!

Jonathan

Today I am grateful for:

My sponsor
My friends
My family
AA

Of scrapple and eggs... mmmmm

Just ate a shit-ton of scrapple and eggs. Not sure if you know what that is. Scrapple is like all the left overs from the pig all ground up and put into a cube of meet. A big hunking cube of yummie goodness.

I had a girl friend tell me not to eat too much while I was up here since I had a "good body". I blushed... then promptly told her my grandparents had strapped me down to the kitchen table and were gleefully forcing food down my throat! Death by gluttony!

I think the plan today is to go to the grocery store. I think I will visit my grand father's grave while I am here too... its only a mile or two walk from their house. Tomorrow I will get to see my grand father's surgery... fun stuff. That kinda sucks though, cause we have to get up there at the butt crack of dawn. Eh, oh well. I don't mind getting up early, more time to spend with the grand parents!

Currently I have been hand-cuffed to the chair and am being forced to watch "the price is right"! Arrrghhhh help! Lol, jk. This is what my grand parents do! I think I will crack open that book I brought with... Anywhoo...

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Dr. Bobs Last Message

DR. Bob's last message, Cleveland Ohio 1950

My good friends in AA and of AA. I feel I would be very remiss if I didn't take this opportunity to welcome you here to Cleveland not only to this meeting but those that have already transpired. I hope very much that the presence of so many people and the words that you have heard will prove an inspiration to you - not only to you, but may you be able to impart that inspiration to the boys and girls back home who were not fortunate enough to be able to come. In other words, we hope that your visit here has been both enjoyable and profitable.

I get a big thrill out of looking over a vast sea of faces like this with a feeling that possibly some small thing that I did a number of years ago, played an infinitely small part in making this meeting possible. I also get quite a thrill when I think that we all had the same problem. We all did the same things. We all get the same results in proportion to our zeal and enthusiasm and stick-to-itiveness. If you will pardon the injection of a personal note at this time, let me say that I have been in bed five of the last seven months and my strength hasn't returned as I would like, so my remarks of necessity will be very brief.

But there are two or three things that flashed into my mind on which it would be fitting to lay a little emphasis; one is the simplicity of our Program. Let's not louse it all up with Freudian complexes and things that are interesting to the scientific mind, but have very little to do with our actual AA work. Our 12 Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words love and service. We understand what love is and we understand what service is. So let's bear those two things in mind.

Let us also remember to guard that erring member - the tongue, and if we must use it, let's use it with kindness and consideration and tolerance.

And one more thing; none of us would be here today if somebody hadn't taken time to explain things to us, to give us a little pat on the back, to take us to a meeting or two, to have done numerous little kind and thoughtful acts in our behalf. So let us never get the degree of smug complacency so that we're not willing to extend or attempt to, that help which has been so beneficial to us, to our less fortunate brothers. Thank you very much.

Wind and a Window Flower

LOL!

I love living bicariously throug my mom. She is too funny. She saw Hulk Hogan at the mall and went up to him and said "Hi Terry! I'm your neighbor!" She is nutz... Then she is going out tonight with an old BF who drives a ferrari... Nice. I told her I approve of the relationship as long as I get to drive the car! :) Actually, he is a good guy. I know he means well.

Hehe... Oh! I found a poem I like, which relates to a guy, liking a girl who does not like him back! I think that is what it means anyway... so that's what I am posting. Me the wind and she the flower.

Wind and a Window Flower - Robert Frost

LOVERS, forget your love,
And list to the love of these,
She a window flower,
And he a winter breeze.
When the frosty window veil
Was melted down at noon,
And the caged yellow bird
Hung over her in tune,
He marked her through the pane,
He could not help but mark,
And only passed her by,
To come again at dark.
He was a winter wind,
Concerned with ice and snow,
Dead weeds and unmated birds,
And little of love could know.
But he sighed upon the sill,
He gave the sash a shake,
As witness all within
Who lay that night awake.
Perchance he half prevailed
To win her for the flight
From the firelit looking-glass
And warm stove-window light.
But the flower leaned aside
And thought of naught to say,
And morning found the breeze
A hundred miles away.

One more day in Tampa

Just sitting up at the Panerra Bread up off Howard before I hit the bank, workout, and go to a meeting. I am excited to be able to travel to Baltimore tomorrow. I get to stay with my grand-parents and go to my cousin's wedding.

On top of that, my grand-father is getting some surgery done on his eye, and my Aunt Kathy is going to try and get me to scrub in during the procedure! I have found it tedious lately to get motivated to go up to Pasco County and shadow my doctor friend... so it will be nice to get into a surgery. Plus, how cool is that to see your own relative go under the knife? Well, I think it's kinda cool anyway.

Not much else to report. Just moving along and doing the next right thing. Trying to stay motivated with the schooling too. I can't wait to get my study materials for the MCAT so I can get started asap.

I am going on a cruise the week after Christmas to Mexico and Belize, then I get back to Tampa and am flying to London, BY MY SELF! Its going to be great! I am staying with a British family I met in Turkey. I know... random. But cool right? I am stepping out of my comfort zone big time. When they invited me to stay with them, the old me would say no thanks... who wants to socialize anyway right? The new me said yes, but fear was screaming no in the back of my head! So anyway... random posting again...

Today I am going to a meeting at some point. I look forward to it... my moment of serenity.

Jonathan

Dinner and sobriety..

Tonight I went to the Bayshore meeting, and then hung out with a group of folks afterward. I really enjoyed the evening. All of my friends are just so cool.

I am really grateful for my roommate right now. I don't know why... just glad she is here. We are total opposites, so it's interesting. I get to practice patience with her and also my social skills. I realize that acceptance is the answer in everything I do today. We have different life styles, so in accepting her and including her in my home will result in some growth on my part! I get to see my character defects due to her being here.

I heard that relationships bring the defects out... this is no different, except we aren't sleeping together :)

That is about all for now. I am going to Baltimore in the morning and I plan on staying up fairly late tonight to pack and finalize some stuff on this end.

Oh yea, one more thing... need advice from the blogosphere...

I think I have a crush on one of my friends. Not sure what to do about it. I need to post this stuff, that is why I write a blog. This is one of the few places I get to be honest... almost as honest as I get with my sponsor. So yea, I think I like one of my friends. I don't think she is interested in me, so I really haven't pursued her. I have not ever even talked to her about this... and unsure of wether I should. But it is interesting feeling the way I do... its like I think there is no chance in hell that she'd remotely be interested... so I shut that thought down when it comes to mind. Typical low self esteem and huge ego.

So yea, I think my low self-esteem kicks in and says "NO WAY buddy! You loser! Girls don't think you are good looking! You suck! You are not COOL!". Anytime I think I like a girl these thoughts enter my mind and I immediatly go to friend mode... its easier that way, no risk for rejection! LOL! I have lots of girl friends as a direct result of this mechanism! Or maybe I am just a nice guy, and people want to be my friend too! Haha... I am cracking myself up tonight. Eh, I am tired. You know, it will all work out. God has a plan and I am just gonna keep on following his path and see where it leads.

:)

I am grateful for being single
I am thankful for my friends
and happy to be sober!

Jonathan

Dinner with friends in St. Pete

Two of my closest guy friends and I, drove to St. Petersburg tonight to have dinner at an awesome mexican restaurant. It was a lot of fun.

I have only been done with the semester for half a week, and I feel like I need to start studying again! I have to prepare for the MCAT and rock all of my classes next semester. I figure that the MCAT study material should be here by the time I get back from Baltimore, next Sunday. That will give me a good solid two weeks during the holidays when I can study for atleast a few hours each day.

I just feel weird not doing anything... I can't be unproductive with that huge test out there... gotta stay focused. Just a few hours a day.

Hmmmm, not much else to report. I got a new laptop computer.... very cool. No complaints yet. I leave for B-Town on Tuesday. So I will not be posting due to lack of computer access. Unless of course I decide to take this bad boy wih me.... probably won't. Gotta enjoy the family.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Of Mice and Men

Random title... has no meaning here. Theoretically it could refer to our human existance and what it means to be a part of humanity. How little we leave behind but how meaningful our existance is... Read the book if you are scratching your head.

I had breakfeast this morning with a good friend. I think friends are important in our lives. Friends that really truly look out for your best interests, selflessly. Key word: selfless. Not selfish. I have no time for selfishness.

Ok, so selfishness in its self is not really a bad thing all the time. I selfishly look out for myself alot. I go to meetings selfishly. I go for me, not you. Sometimes I will go to a meeting specifically to meet someone who asked to hang out. That is a mix of selfless and selfish. I go for you, but I am really there for me... deep down anyway. Ah... interesting life we live. I think today we will do dinner. I shall call some folks and see about it anyway.

Time to get off my ass and go do something!! I hate sitting around my house... how lame is that? I use to sit on my couch and watch alot of tv. I use to spend a lot of time at home. I use to not go to a lot of meetings. I relapsed often. I have no business sitting around doing nothing. Ok, unless its quality me time. But seriously... I need about 1 hour of me time, and that is it. Anymore than that and I am being a selfish, foolish, self-defeating, wallowing in self-pity, douche bag. LOL Thank god my lifestyle has changed since way back when... man, funny how you change when you TRULY get sober.

Today I am grateful...

Jonathan

Great evening!

I had a grand time tonight at the party. My friend Megan invited me to come over to her christmas party! I quickly observed who was drinking heavily and who was hardly drinking. Quite a few of the guys were completely tanked. Even though they were wasted, I totally found it slightly entertaining. I wasn't even that nervous. It turns out that her bf's grand parents know my ex-stepdad. We talked for a good hour or two about real estate development up in New Hampshire and in Tampa.

Crazy small world. Another guy there appearently manages one of our FAVORITE pizza places in hyde park. I told him I'd hit him up the next time we were there. Also, this other dude is a private investigator, and he totally knows my friend Chris!? Random.

So the guys were all hillarious, the girls were nice, and my friend was super cool as usual. She bought me some diet coke, so I was good for the evening. I really had a pleasant time. You know, back in the day, I use to feel like I didn't fit in, and drank because of it. Tonight, I didn't feel that way. I talked, I laughed, I got out of my head, I enjoyed the night. I left not wondering what everyone thought of me, but thinking of how nice of an evening it was.

These people were normal folks my age... mostly military, so you can imagine how drunk some of them got. Any whooo, fun night. I was tired and getting bored after watching them do the silly things drunks do, so I came home. And now I am going to sleep, happy to be a part of society rather than apart from!

Tonight I am grateful and Thankful

Jonathan

Merry Christmas!

Going to a "normal" people party tonight. I am a tad bit nervous, since I only know the girl who is throwing the party. I do not know all of her friends or anyone in her social circle. So I guess this will be interesting... Practicing the socializing with out a bunch of alcoholics I can immediately relate too!

:)

Wish me luck!

Jonathan

Serenity

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

My mind isn't working yet this morning. I think finals sapped it of most of its power. Lol. I am just sorta staring at the screen while my oil is getting changed. I am up at the Lexus dealer getting the 30,000 mile check-up thingy ma-bob. It is pouring down rain today in Tampa. I don't want to look outside mostly because it just looks nasty out.

I was thinking about going to see "Bolt" the movie.... it looks funny. I think my brain could use that today. I may not though. My mom said she wanted to have dinner today when she gets back from Miami.

I was reading the wall street journal thins morning. The status of our economy worries me. China even is shedding jobs with exports decreasing for the first time in 7 years. Apparently even their middle class is disappearing, sapping growth and eliminating prospects for millions of their countries poor. I read once that most revolutions in history occurred just after a period of growth. Primarily when a society is pulled out of poverty and then have their new-found wealth taken from them... Could that be happening in China?

Its like giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. People revolt. I am wondering if this may happen in China, India, Pakistan, or other places where growth has pulled people into the middle class. I still think living in America is the best place on the planet. No doubt about that. Any down turn we face is nothing compared to what third world countries will experience. We are spoiled here. I am grateful for that. (Not grateful for all of the world's poor, I mean, what can we do??)

Evolution, survival of the fittest... that pretty much sums it up for ya.

Fighting between two different populations in the same species occurs when resources are drawn thin, and each group seeks to protect its young and secure resources to survive. They will fight each other when in the same proximity and must compete. Life is like this across the planet in millions of different species. I think we forget sometimes as Americans that the human race is a species, and we are but one population. We need to look out for our population sometimes, and be wary of others... 7 Billion people on the planet, we are but maybe 5% of the total population.

This is why I don't think we should be so quick to try and appease the rest of the world. Screw them. Take care of America first.

I have nothing really super spiritual to say today. The coffee is starting to help wake me up.

Jonathan

What the heck you looking at buddy?!

Grrr...

I think I will take that computer there, nice and secluded in the corner. Why would I want someone else reading my awesome personal stuff? I am feeling fiesty today. I think finals are wearing me a bit thin. I look forward to this evening. I went ahead and called my buddy and asked him if he wanted to chill for a bit later on. The answer is maybe, so maybe we will, maybe we wont, or maybe I will find someone else to chill with if he falls through.

No biggy.

Damn that chick was hot.

Sorry, in the library computer lab and my mind wanders....

Where was I? Oh, ok, so what's up? Nada, zilch, zippo, nunca... nothing. But is nothing really so bad? Not really. Its a good thing. I was just thinking today about stuff. Yea, me thinking, always a good thing. I think it is funny, rejection and the whole dating thing. I can see why people shouldn't date within the first year, or perhaps first few years. It seems like you put all this energy into someone else and it may or may not work out. Rejection sucks. It like totally can throw me through a loop for about... 5 minutes or so. Lol. It wasn't always like that. When I was in Highschool, I took rejection really bad. Same in college but to a less extent. Back then, I had alcohol to cope... and cope I would!

Today I get rejected and I am like... "eh? rejected! Awe man...! How un-cool! That b-i-t-c-h! Haha!" Then I realize that I am attracted to her and she is just not attracted to me. I can see why we are different and why she isn't into me or me her depending on the situation. Its easier when its you not into her, it sucks when your on the other end. After getting the rejection letter, I move along and ask for forgiveness because I am a selfish being not living in acceptance when I react negatively like that. Sure it hurts a little, but if I don't atleast take a few chicks out, I will never know.

For people new to sobriety, I can see how this dating thing can take you out. You have to put energy into it, but you HAVE to keep sobriety first. That is the hardest thing to do. And its funny, cause you don't mean to put sobriety second... not consiously anyway. It slowly happens, I think your inner-self thinks that the solution is in a relationship and not the rooms. I am telling you that the solution is in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous, and that is where I go to stay sober. Staying sober still trumps getting laid. I am glad I still feel that way.

So you... you there, hot chick over on the next computer! Stay away! I know you want it... lol ;) I wish.

Some people I think take the relationship thing to far, and make it the center of their little world. I know a few of these people. I am glad they found their higher power. My higher power is currently not another person. I don't put too much stock in other people as they tend to fail to live up to our expectations. I certainly won't rely on another person for my emotional well being. I feel sorry for those that do. That must suck to be so codependant. I like being independant.

In spite of recently rejecting a few girls and being rejected atleast a few times myself, I am still going to keep an open mind to relationships. I do want to have kids one day, I have heard that finding a female is step number 1 in that quest... (naturally you could get kids by unconventional means... adoption, etc...)

Jonathan

Finals almost done!

My brain is completely fried. I can't study much more... I have a Biology final tomorrow morning and Physics in the afternoon. I feel like sleeping. I think I may just do that, since I have to get up early in the morning. Study smart, not hard!

If you can't do what you gotta do, just walk away and do it later. That has worked for me in the past... so I shall do that. Maybe I will take a nap or just veg-out on some t-vo!

Lol.

It was really nice today. It must have been in the mid 70's around two o'clock, so I went for a swim! The water was freaking cold! But that's OK. It woke me up temporarily. I then laid out for about an hour. So yea, that was nice. I went up to Starbucks to study, but just kept yawning and feeling drowsy. I couldn't study. So now I am home.

I have to start studying for the MCAT this month. I have an idea for a study plan... basically it's a 6-month study plan... so that should be fun! As soon as finals are over I am gonna work on that. Soooo, more on that later!

No complaints today. I am serene and my mind is clear of thought.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Letter to future me...

Letter to me. This is me sitting down, and looking across the table at me 30-60 years from now. I read about doing this in psychology monthly... love that magazine.

Dear Me,

Jonathan. Hi. First I want to say I am sorry if I did not do the things you dreamt of doing, and that I tried my best to get there and live a full life. I tried the best that I knew how, to enjoy the day and keep it at just one day at a time. I regret never moving to Baltimore... I somehow think that life would be better (or worse) for you if I did. I am sorry if you did not get to spend as much time with your grand parents when they were still here. I did however try, and returned twice, sometimes three times a year to spend time with them. I hope you forgive me if that was not enough. Sometimes, it does not seem to be enough.

I am trying to become something great. I am ok with mediocre, if that's what God's will is, but I am shooting for the stars anyway! It will take many years and sacrifices to achieve, but I feel that looking back, you will be proud of me, and what we became. Sometimes I wonder if I am on the right path. I pray for your sake that I am. I do not want to let you down. I only want the best for you and hope my choices led you to a full life of happiness and love; with many friends and family.

I am sorry that we lived away from family. I know it can be rough. Perhaps I can still change that, and keep those whom I hold dear the closest.

I hope you and your brother are still "the usual suspects" and that your relationship with him is awesome. I hope Katie has found her way, and that you've done your best to love her like a good brother should. I bet that you did, you are a good guy. I'd like for us three to live close together some day, you, Katie, and Gregory... that would be nice. Has that come to be?

I work out almost daily, and eat healthily. I hope that has paid off for you and allowed you to age well. I also quit chewing tobacco and do not smoke or drink alcohol anymore. I take care of my teeth like grandma always said, and recently had the dentist screen me for oral cancer. I am trying my best to look out for you. I'd like to live a long time, and I assume you do to. In looking at you across the table, I feel like your physical and mental health or the two most important things. I hope you are happy with the way I treated your body in your younger years. It is the least that I can do for you. We are the same person, you and I...

Do you have kids or grand kids? Are you married or single? Do you have many friends? How is your professional life? All questions I'd love to hear about. Maybe you'd be so kind and write me a note back? Regardless of what you are doing, I bet its still just one day at a time. I bet you lead a peaceful life.

I must admit, you and I aren't the best at the love thing. I try at that too, I hope I can come out of my shell for your sake, a bit more. I think I have come out a good bit. At this point it seems I just have to meet the right girl who likes what she sees. I am coming into my own and feel at ease. Discovering myself is paramount to this thing called love. How can someone love me if I do not know who I am in my heart?

I hope one day I will meet your wife, and she will like me for me, and see the good she sees in you. Looking back, do you see all the dating and silly games girls play and see how funny it all is? I will continue to do the footwork, and put that in Gods hands. I hope that you, sitting there in your golden years, have a warm home and grandchildren on your mind. If not, I am sorry. I will try my best to not let you down.

I am sorry if it took a few years, but I think I don't yet know my true self. Its getting closer everyday, that moment of pure clarity. I am happy today. I am taking steps in the right direction. I hope they lead you to even more happiness. It seems I am on the right path, picking flowers God has given, and avoiding thorns of av'rice. (Robert Frost)

In closing, I wish you well. I hope you've aged as well as I think you will. I hope you bring happiness to all those you touch, just like grandpa Herman, with a hint of pop-John. I bet you were successful, and happy... and now looking back at me realize how little you knew way back when. Now, late in life, I bet you smile when you think about how little faith you had; and how that changed when you challenged your self. I hope you smile remembering all of the trials and tribulations. I bet you made out alright. I have faith in you. With that faith, I will trudge the road to happy destiny.

I bet you're content, grateful, and thankful for all of life's gifts.

Be good, say hi to everyone that made the journey with you. Say a prayer for those who didn't make it. And Jonathan... don't do anything I wouldn't do. :)

Sincerely,

Jonathan

Sober one more day... ;)

Sober one more day.

That is fabulous!

Last night I got bogged down in studying for the O-Chem Final today. (I just got done taking it) So I get all bogged down and tired studying, and decided to meet a friend for coffee out in Brandon. Yes, Brandon, that's like 15 minutes east of Tampa. You know, just sitting with someone and hearing what they are going through, really puts it into perspective for me. I had absolutely no idea that his person had some of these "issues" going on with them. They are not an alcoholic, and I would consider them to be super normal... very at ease and seemingly comfortable in their own skin.

Last night, somehow we started talking about family, which is something we hadn't really ever talked about before. I have known her for a while, so I really wasn't expecting any huge Revelations when she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I was thinking.. "oh cool, a quick break from studying to break the monotony!" Awesome right?

Yes, it was awesome. As we were talking, I realized just how good I have it.

Side note: I usually don't raise my hand in meetings to complain about stuff going on in my life, because I feel like there really isn't anything worth complaining about. Ok, so if a family member dies, my cat dies, or my job is lost... I get it, I will share about it maybe...... but none of that day-to-day crap like "I hate my job, or I hate my coworker..." I feel like if I can't share about the solution then just stay quite and listen. I know some people feel the need to share about everything and anything... more power to ya; it does not work for me.

So yea, she totally opened up to me about her family. Estranged father, mother committed suicide, older sister is a drug abuser, in and out of jail, and money is in short supply. She mentioned how much she was saving and how the car payment was gonna eat into her savings. I mentioned that I thought she was going back to school, and asked how it was going. She said she had to work this year and save, so she could go next year.

I am pretty sure there are some other tragic things I am forgetting, but seriously, her mom killed herself, her dad left, her sisters are self destructing, and here she is... she's surprisingly happy. Just happy. I was so taken back by how freaking happy she was and calm about everything. It was like she was totally cool with how things were turning out in her life. I just kinda thought about how cool that was. Not only is her immediate family situation the way it is, her extend family is equally MESSED up! So she has almost no family that is worth being around. Its hard not to feel sorry for her. Naturally, she is the type that wouldn't have any of that self-defeating behavior. But looking at her I saw the awesome things in my life I take for granted. I think I do sometimes take for granted all of the things that had to occur in my life to get me where I am today. I mean... going allll the way back to 1981. My grandparents, uncles, cousins, mom, and dad, all played a huge role in raising us kids. Family is huge, and I am glad I got a good one.

I was just so thankful for my own family. Looking at my mom and dad, sister and brother, cousins, uncles and grandparents.. just looking at them all - Man I am freaking lucky! My family is awesome. I have good, kind hearted people surrounding me. I just wanna say that I am grateful for them, and today really have nothing to complain about.... not a damn thing. ;)


Jonathan

Turn it off...

Just needed to turn off my brain temporarily! I have been studying quite a bit today and yesterday. It is very stressful!

So let's recount what went on this weekend. I went to the Friday nigh Bayshore With Room to Grow group at 8:15pm... it was nice. A good solid group of friends turned out, and it was super nice to see everybody again. It had been a good week or two due to the thanksgiving holidays. Afterword, we all went out to dinner and ate some sushi till about 10:30ish.

It was mostly us guys plus one girly girl, whom I have known for a few years. We had a blast! I didn't eat, but did order two large waters to rehydrate after drinking a bunch of coffee at the "bucks" up off Hillsborough Ave. It was awesome to hang out with the guys, as usual.

On Saturday, the studying continued. I had breakfeast with yet another friend at Pinky's restaurant on Bay to Bay. That was uber cool, as usual. I did tons more studying for the rest of the day, and then went to my commitment (for the last two+ years), to set up the saturday night fever meeting. We have to get there a good hour and fifteen minutes early to set it up. It is my favorite meeting of the week. I do not ever fore-see me not doing service there. It keeps me plugged in to the group, just like all the other meetings.

We went out to 220 down there on Davis Island after that. It was a good turn out, with 2 tables! I got invited to hang out with Max afterwords and hang out his brother's art gallery for a bit. I helped him break down everything and put some furniture away because it was late and they were closing down shop. I was grateful to be able to spend time with Max, and also his brother. I think that they are cool dudes.

At that point, I went home and went to sleep! Today I studied for 4 hours in the morning at Borders book store off Dale Mabry... nothing exciting about that. I went to work out for an hour break, then I heard that our Professor was having office hours today at 2:00pm, so I am at the library typing this so I can go talk to him!

Exciting life eh?

No complaints today. I gotta study some more... trying to keep in the moment and be well!

Jonathan

Don't forget!!! :)

Always we hope someone else has the answer.
Some other place will be better, it will all turn out.

This is it.

No one else has the answer.
No other place will be better,
and it has already turned out.


~~Lao-tzu

I am tired!

Man, totally tired.

I have finals on Monday and Wednesday. I had two lab finals yesterday and got only a few hours of sleep last night due to the late night and more studying. I still feel well and in the zone. I just dashed home to take the dog out before returning to school.

I am going to England in January to visit with an awesome family who were so kind as to invite me to stay with them for a week! Bill emailed me this morning just to follow up to see how I was doing. These english folk are really nice! It should be interesting. I am looking forward to the cultural exchange!

Not much else to report. I look forward to hanging out with my friends this weekend. It's great to be sober today... inspite of the headache and sniffles! :)

Today I am grateful!

Jonathan

As Ferris Bueller said... "Life can pass you by if you don't stop and take a look around."

So look around already!

One day at a time...

Thank you for my sobriety today. I am incredibly grateful to all my blogger peeps out there, who share with me how you do it. I am also grateful to all of those in AA in the Tampa Bay area... especially those few who helped me out through all of the relapses and early sobriety.

Today my computer somehow died on me. I am not sure how, but certainly now I have to troubleshoot it at some point. I think I will wait until after finals :). Luckily, I am a nerd at heart, and had a spare computer or two lieing around! :)

As I went throughout my day today, I tried to stay in conscious contact with that serene feeling, knowing that everything was going to be alright. I had very little worries, inspite of all of the pressure I am feeling at school. It's amazing how we can stay sober through this. It is as if the obsession has been removed. Lately, even more so than say... last week, I have been a.o.k. When I say ok, I mean devoid of restlessness, self-pity, worry, and other self-destructive thinking. I am in the zone. This too shall pass, I know. But I also know that all thoughts and feelings come and go. It is the nature of the mind. I feel like I am starting to get it, the more I feel the more I let go. And the answere is to keep on coming back, to keep on pushing the envelope of serenity and sobriety. To do those things we are told will make us better and keep us in God's hands.

God let me do your will today! Not mine, yours! Anything but mine! Let me do what you will have me do, and pray for what your will is, because that is the only thing I know of that will keep me sober, and serene.

Okie doke, so beside the above... I have an organic chemistry and biology lab final tomorrow! Fun stuff. I also have two lab reports which need to be finished... I plan on doing that in the morning. So good night and be good!

Thanks for reading my blog, blog-o-sphere friends, you help keep me sober!

Today I am grateful and thankful,

Jonathan

Gratitude List...

Today, I was at the dentist and I realized how incredibly grateful I was for:

My awesome clean white teeth!
- appearently, the coffee stains are removable... sweet!
My top score on the O-Chem Exam...
My cats are alive and well
My health
My physical fitness and awesome physique :-)
My social network
My place in the world
AA
AA DAAve... who actually posts comments for me to approve! Thank you Dave!

And, I was incredibly grateful to spend a few hours at the dentist! Got my teeth cleaned, a potential cavity was spotted, x-rayed, and drilled on, and naturally the conversation is always awesome!

My dentist of 5 years and I, talked about school, vacation, and family. It was fun. I didn't get the chance to complete all of my school work, but I hope to do that later tonight.

Hmmm, can't think of anything really "deep" to say at the moment.

Today I am grateful and thankful!

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer,
To stop without a farmhouse near,
Between the woods and frozen lake,
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake,
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep,
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

-- Robert Frost

I can dream can't I?

I hate being away from home, I always feel like I am missing out on everything... It's like, say there is a single girl you like. You go away for a week and come back, but lo! She is taken by the time you have returned! Oh man, that sucks. That's kinda how I feel about traveling. I love traveling, but hate missing out on the social opportunities back home in Tampa. I feel like I am missing that one chance to say what is on my mind or that one opportunity in that one place in time that will only come once yet could be missed and gone forever I can dream can't I? I am such a dreamer... ;)

Lovely... dreaming that is.

So... let's dream of a simpler time... in Ireland perhaps!

William Butler Yeats:

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.

And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today...

It is really. Acceptance of where I am and who I am. I have a goal I am working towards; Medical School. I should not be freaked out by a possible "B" in organic chemistry. I need to accept that good doctors don't always do well in archaic classes that have little to do with medicine.

A friend of mine once said that he knows many great doctors that didn't get an A in organic chemistry... I am thinking that may be me! For a few days there I think I was going into "contingency mode"... thinking of all the possible outcomes of what may happen in the future. Basically, projecting like a typical alcoholic. I am back into acceptance. I went to an AA meeting last night with my step-mom's sister here in California. She is new to the program and has 3 months clean from Methanphenamines.

When I walked into that meeting last night I was just absolutely amazed at how at home I felt. I knew that if and when I ever decide to move somewhere, that I would always have a home and family in these rooms. I didn't know what to expect at the meeting. You know what I found? It was exactly the same. I saw all of the same characters that I usually see. I immediatly could pick out those people I would connect with. I saw friends there. I saw family. I saw that I could be of service here as I could anywhere, and it didn't really matter where I was in the world.

So I got out of my selfish self, my insanity, my self-loathing, my self centeredness, my disease. I got out of it and it felt good. I realized that God is providing and that I am doing the foot work. Life throw's up it's road blocks, and I can keep on going, one step at a time; around each one as long as I keep my hand in my HP's hand. There is nothing to worry about. Life is good. Just reach out and ask for help. Just be there, be present, and accept the way things are.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Jonathan is pissed...

His text messaging was turned off for the last 4 days... so every message I sent I never got a reply, and was like "why isn't anyone responding??".

So yea, if you texted me in the last few days.... I did not recieve it! Sorry about that!

Jonathan

Black Friday!

I just saw on the news that a man was trampled to death at a Walmart in New York. How unfortunate... I don't think I'd like to go that way, run over by a mob of people looking for cheap deals at Wal-Mart! Ha, it's almost funny... yet soo sad too.

Can't think of much to type today. I am in California and have 2 more days here. I look forward to going home. I miss my cats and friends. Still feeling the desire to move away from Tampa, I guess that moment will come soon enough with Graduate School. I think moving will suck. I do not look forward to making new friends and going somewhere new. But, I think, isn't that a good thing too? An opportunity to face our fears and surpass them?? If I stay in fear of moving and never leave to try new things, is that not me living in fear? Noone should live in fear. I just read a cool little book called "How starbucks saved my life". He talks alot about doing whats in your heart, and just going for it. He spent 60 years in this privilaged lifestyle, yet did not find true happiness until he lost everything and found happiness without ever realizing that it could be found, or that his life could ever be profoundly different than what it was before.

Any whoo... rambling.

Gotta hang out with the step-family today and go to the County Fair! Fun Stuff!!!

Jonathan

Shawshank Redemption

I love that movie by the way. So memorable, such a good story... morally and uplifting. Here are some qoutes that moved me:

Get busy living, or get busy dieing.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Thank You Samuel Adams!

Samuel Adams' Thanksgiving
Another article from the WSJ:

In 1778, a Thanksgiving resolution drafted by [Samuel] Adams was approved by Congress on Nov. 3, setting aside Wednesday, Dec. 30, as a day of public thanksgiving and praise, "It having pleased Almighty God through the Course of the present year, to bestow great and manifold Mercies on the People of these United States."

After the Revolution, Adams, who was eventually elected governor of Massachusetts, maintained the practice of declaring these holidays. In October of 1795, the 73-year-old governor proclaimed Thursday, Nov. 19, as "a day of Public Thanksgiving to God," recommending that prayer be offered that God "would graciously be pleased to put an end to all Tyranny and Usurpation, that the People who are under the Yoke of Oppression, may be made free; and that the Nations who are contending for freedom may still be secured by His Almighty Aid."

A year later, Gov. Adams offered a similar Thanksgiving proclamation, declaring Thursday, Dec. 15, 1796, as "a Day of Public Thanksgiving and Praise to Our Divine Benefactor." He recommended "earnest Supplication to God" that "every Nation and Society of Men may be inspired with the knowledge and feeling of their natural and just rights" and "That Tyranny and Usurpation may everywhere come to an end."

Amen.


I am not sure how many people will actually read that whole thing, but I think it is a nice little article. I read it on the airplane yesterday and thought... "hmmm, I should post that one too!".

I love to read, I love to learn, I love this Country, and I love reading about our history! Are we not the most fortunate people on the planet?? I hope you think so, if you are a citizen of any Western Country... especially the US of A!

On another note, being out in the Mountains in California, I have been doing some thinking! Great, right? I was thinking that it would be really neat to move out west for school. I know, it's crazy right? Why not? Why do we live in Tampa anyways?? Nice weather... I like the people I have met, but why am I still there when there are other places I have always wanted to live in, yet haven't done so yet because I am such a co-dependant ass? I am thinking... yes thinking... Perhaps it is time to cut the bonds and head out into the great wild west... perhaps not. I just love it out here, the mountains specifically... I have always wanted to live near them or in them...

I was just thinking out loud there...

Any how, maybe I am just freaked out by finals coming up... feeling stressed and alone. Self pity was creeping in there, to be honest, yesterday and today. I don't know what it is... I think I feel like a failure and rejected on a couple of different levels. I am attracted to someone I don't think is remotely interested in me, failure to perform to my standards in school... B vs A, and guilty for asking the old Mum for money.

Good thing I have AA and my higher power to get me through it all. You know, I just wanna do the next right thing. I think maybe my expectations are way to high and I am trying to control everything too much... maybe I should stop thinking and go to a meeting! That usually helps... :)

Speak of the Devil, my Step-Aunt has 3 months sober and just asked me to join her to go to a meeting! Fun!

Today I am grateful and thankful!

Jonathan

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving yall... in spirit of the holiday, I am totally gonna plagarize the Wall Street Journal and post their yearly article here... although because it is from a historical document, that's probably not plagarizing anywhoo...

The Desolate Wilderness

Nathaniel Morton describes what he and other Pilgrims saw in 1620.

Here beginneth the chronicle of those memorable circumstances of the year 1620, as recorded by Nathaniel Morton, keeper of the records of Plymouth Colony, based on the account of William Bradford, sometime governor thereof:

So they left that goodly and pleasant city of Leyden, which had been their resting-place for above eleven years, but they knew that they were pilgrims and strangers here below, and looked not much on these things, but lifted up their eyes to Heaven, their dearest country, where God hath prepared for them a city (Heb. XI, 16), and therein quieted their spirits.
When they came to Delfs-Haven they found the ship and all things ready, and such of their friends as could not come with them followed after them, and sundry came from Amsterdam to see them shipt, and to take their leaves of them. One night was spent with little sleep with the most, but with friendly entertainment and Christian discourse, and other real expressions of true Christian love.

The next day they went on board, and their friends with them, where truly doleful was the sight of that sad and mournful parting, to hear what sighs and sobs and prayers did sound amongst them; what tears did gush from every eye, and pithy speeches pierced each other's heart, that sundry of the Dutch strangers that stood on the Key as spectators could not refrain from tears. But the tide (which stays for no man) calling them away, that were thus loath to depart, their Reverend Pastor, falling down on his knees, and they all with him, with watery cheeks commended them with the most fervent prayers unto the Lord and His blessing; and then with mutual embraces and many tears they took their leaves one of another, which proved to be the last leave to many of them.

Being now passed the vast ocean, and a sea of troubles before them in expectations, they had now no friends to welcome them, no inns to entertain or refresh them, no houses, or much less towns, to repair unto to seek for succour; and for the season it was winter, and they that know the winters of the country know them to be sharp and violent, subject to cruel and fierce storms, dangerous to travel to known places, much more to search unknown coasts.

Besides, what could they see but a hideous and desolate wilderness, full of wilde beasts and wilde men? and what multitudes of them there were, they then knew not: for which way soever they turned their eyes (save upward to Heaven) they could have but little solace or content in respect of any outward object; for summer being ended, all things stand in appearance with a weatherbeaten face, and the whole country, full of woods and thickets, represented a wild and savage hew.

If they looked behind them, there was a mighty ocean which they had passed, and was now as a main bar or gulph to separate them from all the civil parts of the world.

Nice...

You guys, ok like... totally.

Awesome.

I had a great day today. I think I may have totally bombed the Organic Chemistry Exam, but besides that... I had a fabulous day! We had an awesome meeting tonight down there at Bayshore Prespaterian Church... I think that's the church....

There was a new comer there tonight, and somehow the meeting was just filled with so much joy and love that half the time everyone was laughing. I mean... some people were trying to be serious, but a few people shared and just took it to a whole new level. The newcomer, at one point got up to walk out, and we had the door locked! Somebody was like "We gotcha now boy!"... Haha! Cool. I got the opportunity to check in with a few good friends... naturally. I get to talk to A-Dog, now that I think about it... sorry about that man, if you are reading this. :)

So life is good... life goes on. I can't express how happy I am right now.... for no appearant reason. I think it has to do with... ah... being sober?! Yes, that's it. Oh yea, and going to meetings.... very good for my health.

Now, I gotta take the dog out for a walk... it's just me and him tonight, the Roomy is out of town on business.

Jonathan

Today I am grateful and thankful...

For... lots of stuff. Seriously...

At this moment though... and this is super cool... I was just thinking of a fun little qoute from an awesome book: DUNE

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

That jumped out at me immediately after reading it... about 2 years ago now! Wow.... anyways, just reposting it!

Good Night!

Gobble Gobble!

Thanksgiving is almost here!

I have an Organic Chemistry Exam tomorrow... oh boy! It's gonna be a blast. I had so much fun studying tonight that I decided to waste an hour making this video... lol. Sorry if I offend anyone in my joking in the credits btw... I am not being serious... more joking... haha.



Man, it is getting late.

It's been a good week. I look forward to the next one.

Not much new to report. I was thinking about stuff and I thought of yet another Poem by Robert Frost... or rather a part of one... here is a smidgen of it...

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

Anywhoo... today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Almost Thanksgiving...

Almost Thanksgiving...



I totally wanted to hang out some more tonight, because I really enjoyed myself, and I wanted to chat some more with a certain girl. But... a few of the folks were going to watch a band in a bar. I totally would have gone, but had no cash to pay the door dude. But that's not the point. I also don't like bars very much, so I was kinda luke-warm to the idea anyways... you know, I am an alcoholic, and the LAST place I need to be is in a bar trying to fit in. I am sorry I missed out in hanging out, it probably was fun... But still, bar+Jonathan=bad. I will only go so far when trying to talk to a girl, even if she does have a nice ass ;).

Time seems to fly by now, since getting sober, faster and faster... zooming along. I remember this time last year like it was yesterday! It's funny, going to California every year for thanksgiving, it's like a barometer which we can use to measure the years passing by. Last year at this time I was planning to go back to school. I had a roommate, Lindsay, who has since moved out. I was sober then, as I am still sober today. One major difference that I think we can clearly see is that I am happier now than I was back then.

Today my life is packed with all sorts of good things, it seems to keep getting better. Ah... as I leave out quite a bit of dramatic things I'd love to talk about, but can't because to many of my friends read this darn thing... ;)

I could just get really honest, and just put everything out there... couldn't I? Ah, that would be lovely. But no, I think not today. You know, it's about midnight now, which brings something to mind...



How about some Edgar Allen Poe? Yes, how about it...



Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore--
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door--
Only this and nothing more."







Here is me... in the ghetto right next to Edgar Allen Poe's house in Baltimore... it's actually just the place he stayed right before he died. Anywhoo... fun stuff.

Let's see... honesty. I am selfish in the extreme. I get lonely at times. Sometimes I put all of my self worth into a grade at school. Although I do get lonely and have the occasional bad day, it's very rare a far between, and I have AA to thank. I am a dork. I enjoy hanging out with other dorks. Screw you if you don't like nerds, geeks or dorks. We are cool. My cats are cute, screw you if you don't like cats. I just got a new 5x5x5 rubik's cube... yes, that is super cool, and you suck if you don't think so! I don't know what's up with the attitude tonight ;) don't take it personal.

Well, now my brain hurts, and I have a shit-load of studying to do tomorrow. Time for sleepy sleep. Good night folks, don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Jonathan

Dow at a 11 and a 1/2 year low!

Awesome! Not really... more like... Fudge!

Thank God I don't need any of the money I have in the stock market... lost half so far this year!

I don't know... I actually don't really care much for what's going on in the market. I was thinking about something else just now, and now I can't seem to think. I talked to someone earlier about something going on with them, and trying to help them, I got myself to thinking!

I don't like thinking too much, it's not a good place for me to be!

Of cats and men...

I think today is going to be the first day I allow my cat, Hoshi, to roam around the house un-attended. She is starting to put more pressure on the leg... I am still worried she may try some jumps which may be to lengthy so I am going to attempt to block off those areas where she may hurt herself. The other cat, Keiko... is being lazy. The dog, Max... is just sleeping like a champ.

I gotta go to lab today... :) Awesome! Not really, but it can be fun at times. Not much else to report. I am hoping for a dry lab in Organic Chemistry. I think that's what he had planned, but am unsure.

Gotta study study study too! Crap, I gotta get off my butt, and go do some work!

Lol,

Today I am grateful and peaceful...

Jonathan

Breaking the dog's anonymity!

Rubik's Revenge...

Man that 4x4x4 rubik's cube is tough! Once I get it down pat I will post a video in high speed showing me completing it! I have done it twice now, but appearently there are a few cases that require rather lengthy algorithoms to solve... it makes my head spin a bit.

Today was a good day. No complaints on the school front... Physics exam on Friday, Organic Chemistry Exam on Monday, Bio Lab quiz tomorrow, and on top of all the classes and stuff, I need to start studying for the MCAT!

Sweeet... plus I'd like to master this darn cube! My cat got her cast off and is currently hopping around on one leg... she is a cutie. I can't think of anything clever to say at the moment... except that I am going to Grass Valley and Nevada City on Wednesday for Thanksgiving out in California. It shall be a blast!


Jonathan

301 House Rocks!

Lol, just putting in some tags for more random people to find my blog! Sneeky.... Erin will think it is funny though!

I was just thinking about another one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost:

Robert Frost: The Road Not Taken (1915)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

You know, I am pretty sure I know what that means to me... two roads meet, both equally the same, in the passing there had been worn just the same. In leaves no step had trodden black! I love that line, oh I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way I doubted if I should ever come back.... I just love typing this! So you choose a road, but what's really cool is that you could choose the road less traveled by, and that could make the difference!

Yes, all ambiguous... but I still like to dream about what different roads in life... like school, work, geographical and social.

I just bought an awesome cool Rubik's Cube tha is 4x4x4 and a 5x5x5... Stuff even Spock would have a hard time with. Ok, random thoughts. Good feelings though, and no depression or loneliness to speak of! So that's a good day right :). Well, actually... I haven't been depressed or lonely since getting sober! Imagine that... working the program and things get better.

Anywhooo... here is another pic!

Jonathan

Today, I am thankful!

I think...

Wow, so much I'd like to say... but honestly I can't type this out in vague statements open to speculation, that just leaves it way to open for people to figure out what I mean. We need to cut through the crap and do some "straight talk" (lol! John McCain!). Oh wait, that's vague isn't it! Oh well...

That's a picture of me and my sister at Starbucks over the summer! Awesome pic eh?!

I am tired now... maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Jonathan

I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

I am in a fairly good place at the moment. No complaints today. I went and saw the new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace out in the theaters now! It was very cool. We naturally got there 30 minutes early, yet still everyone and their mother showed up before us.

We got stuck sitting in the front row! Awesome fun! Honestly though, my eyes adjusted to the screen and I enjoyed the movie. Lol, my eyes are having trouble readjusting back down to normal! I feel like they are bulging out of my head slightly. But... I digress.

Here is a picture of my mom enjoying some Greek Coffee while we were in Rhodes over the summer. My sister and I had decided we wanted to trek off into the old city, away from all the tourist traps. We walked for ten minutes down narrow cobble stone streets, where people left there doors and windows wide open to the summer breeze. Dogs slept on the sidewalks and motorbikes were parked outside of homes. Eventually, we came upon a cafe, open to the air with a tree over hanging a little garden. We stopped in and just took in the view for a bit. I thought the cups were super cool, and insisted on my mom posing for the photo. (That involved me saying "look over there!") I left Greece with a feeling that one day I'd like to come back, and stay a while longer. Life just seemed to move to a different beat over there.



Today I am grateful for:

Good Greek Coffee
My mom
My family
My friends
My kitty cats
You for believing in me

Jonathan

Enjoy the light of the day....

One day at a time

One day at a time. Seems to work for me. Sometimes it is more like one hour at a time, getting through something which I may be "grasping" on to. Today, there was very little grasping, and more acceptance.

Faith without works is dead... I have faith today. But... I also have works. This week I have been very active in the groups, and reaching out to other alcoholics. My sponsor is huge on helping others. I wish, in this respect, I was more like him! I think the seventh step prayer from the big book is applicable here:

"My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen "

Thy will be done... Man, I am just gonna go ahead and qoute the Third Step Prayer from the Big Book of AA!

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!"

The third step prayer to me, means acceptance! Accepting God's plan, not Jonathan's plan! God's plan is for me to do his will, and his way of life. Not mine.

Any how, not really sure why I am qouting the big book today, just wanted to throw thoughs out there for anyone who is looking for them! On another note, how about those Alabama Crimson Tide??! Can I get a Roll Tide? We are finally number one and have a shot for the big one this year. It's about time. I haven't been back to Tuscaloosa in a number of years... I miss that school man.

Soooo, good night my friends! Hope everybody is well, enjoy the light of the day!

Jonathan

I am...

I recently realized how the other day, I got down over a B+ on an exam. I feel like if I don't do well (B as opposed to A), then that makes me somehow less than. Well, not consciously anyways... it's all in my head, like underneath... When I don't perform to a set standard, I beat myself up. I think this is very alcoholic of me, and needs to change. Perfectionism... not a good thing! Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today...

That being said, I thought I'd think of some things that I am:

I am a friend...



I am a brother...

A silly brother...

I am a son...

I am a grandson...

I am a cousin...

I am an Uncle!

I am a loving cat daddy!

I am a dork!

And I just might be your doctor one day!

Any whoo, I just wanted to have fun with some pictures and count the blessings I have today!

Today I am grateful and thankful!

Jonathan

Robert Frost: God's Garden

A treat for yall! I went to Turkey with my mom and sister recently, here is a pic or two!








Me and sister in Greece, up to no good naturally! Look at those evil smiles!
And a poem by Robert Frost...



God made a beauteous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: "To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end."

Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.

O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven



Going for a swim in Turkey...

Kitty Cat

So my cat broke her leg recently :( Here is a nice video for those interested!



Besides that, not much else new to report. I recieved an 87 on my Organic Chemistry exam... that really boiled my blood for a few minutes. My teacher is sorta vague on what he wants to see in the test, so he took off for some stupid stuff. But I digress, I am giving that over to God and letting go. Plus, he is reminding me that I can do better. So I need to do some more studying and move along!

Sobriety is going great. I honestly have no complaints. I have a big group of friends, a couple close friends, a sponsor, and I go to a lot of meetings. Life is challenging at times, and I can get down. Most of the time I am pretty darn serene.

Ok, so I am gonna say it. I think I like someone in the program... messed up I know. She is older than me though, so I am unsure of her interest level. Not sure older girls are much into younger guys... You know, I think I made it kinda clear I was into her... I think... I mean, I did ask her to hang out once or twice. But... I got a fairly luke-warm, so-so response. I am the type of guy who does not waste my time chasing chicks that are not interested in me. So I think I may forget about it. I kinda felt shot down... but it's cool, I am happy being friends. My sponsor says I should be honest and ask her out. But man! Screw that! Haha! If she is sending me let's be friends signals, then I am picking them up and tuning in. I am not an idiot, and naturally wouldn't want to make her feel weird around me in the future. Of course, my sponsor said it's fear and I should face my fear of rejection! Maybe I should. Or maybe girls should pick up on our signals better! And maybe girls will also one day stop dating guys that just aren't into them. And stop dating jerks that just want sex. And maybe pigs will fly, and maybe one day a girl will come along who wants a relationship, just like I do, and we will live happily ever after! :) Lol, Jonathan appearently is feeling rejected... hehe! That's ok though, life is good today. END RANT!

Moving right along... We are totally still having Sunday dinners, Sunday breakfeast, Saturday Dinners, Friday dinners, and starbucks at just about any time of the day. I think that is prettty cool, being able to do all these things in Tampa.

Random stuff, this is more of a journal entry tonight than anything....

Now I am up at school typing the remainder of this post. School is tough. I have lab reports to write, outlines to write, tests to take, quizes to take, and homeword to do. It's like you work hard to get one thing done and bam! More stuff! I feel kinda sorta like that today... I want to go up to Pasco County tomorrow to visit a doctor friend of mine, so I gotta do some extra studying tonight...

My roommate went out of town today, so I get to care for the dog for the next few days as well! Awesome fun! He is a cute dog, I look forward to picking up large pieces of pooh for the next week! The highlight of my day! :)


Today I am thankful and grateful for:

Picking up pooh
My roomy
My family
My friends
My health
AA
And my health again!

Good day!

Nothing new to report! But, I did do school shit for a record 12 hours today! On top of that, I fit in a meeting at 7:00 at Bayshore, which I consider to be my most favorite meeting in all of South Tampa!

I saw Jeff and Tom there, among some other folks.

Such a busy day, and not even done yet. I should probably finish my lab report tonight, but I am tired and will probably just do it first thing in the morning...

I am so glad to have seen W. today too, he is just so spiritual... you know, when he talks it's like... damn, I want what you have man! So I listen intently and try to apply the things I hear into my daily life. Tonight, I will probably end the night with a quiet mind, which is always a good thing!

Jonathan

Today I am grateful... for my cat who is totally bugging me while being cute at the same time!

And of course being sober

Testing email thingy again!

I am at the school atm and typing this.

 

Mike finally left today, thank the Gods I can get back to work on school and stuff.  Tonight I am going to the Wednesday night meeting on Bayshore.  I am excited.  I have not been there in a few weeks due to the stars aligning and stuff. 

 

Nothing new to really report, I got a 98 percent on my physics exam!  Highest in the class once again.  Yes I am an over-achiever, and my 86 in O-Chem disturbs me to all hell, so I am studying super hard for that next class.

 

I look forward to a relaxing meeting tonight, where I can just decompress for one hour and just sit there agains the wall.  It's my meditation time... do you know what I mean?  After that, I will probably go out to dinner with some friends, I know my buddy Felipe probably wants to hang out, he was out of town recently and just got back.  The other friend who has disappeared do to his new sponsor... I mean girl friend, will probably not be there.  That's about all she wrote.

 

Jonathan

 

Today I am grateful for:

 

Good friends

Mike for buying me all my food the last two days!

My family

My cats

My house

All that crap I own

Living in America

 

And last but sooooo not least, being sober today, one more day at a time