Finally, nice weather

It's Funny how nice weather can really turn Your attitude around. I Was in a bad mood last week, and now I'm super happy. Granted, it could just be that I am no longer working nights.  Regardless, i am looking Forward to doing some Serious yard work in the cooler weather.

On the other hand I am super excited to return to the land of the living and never in my life will I work nights again... good riddens!

Peace...

Pink Eye

Seriously, the day care thing is killing me.  Both my wife and I work and we have no family in the area, so we have to take our kid to day care. Well half the time he seems to catch something at the daycare and then they send him home.

So not only do we spend half our time at home, not working... we pay for the full month of the day care.

I don't like this arrangement one bit.

Plus they throw a fit when he is just mildly sick.  I struggle to not roll my eyes at them when I pick him up.  Yea ok, pink eye... oh whats that?  Its going around your entire daycare?  Good, congrats, you're the problem.  Let all the kids get it and be over it... seriously, not a big deal.

Ok, end rant.

On another note my kid is being super cute and smiling at the doggies... awe.  Makes it worth it I suppose.  Work sucks anyway no?

I'd love to work for myself and not "the man".

Peace...

You can't handle the truth

Wow, every time I see this movie I think to myself, hey you've already seen it... Boring.

Then I start watching it, and damn what a good movie!!

Can't get over it, just love the story and the acting.

Today I am grateful...

For stuff...

Damn dogs

I have no idea how, but my dog is an acrobat.

She can jump over a fence that is 5 feet tall.  I thought I made it high enough that she'd not be able to get over it.

So she climbed under it.

I then blocked the bottom so she couldn't get under it.

So she figured out how to climb the fence.

That's right.  She climbed the freaking fence, skillfully using a bush next to it as a foot stool.

I'm headed back to home depot.  Time to get more wood, and a saw to cut down that bush.

Today I am grateful...

For my dogs, for keeping me on my toes, and successfully getting me out of the house!




Peace...

Suicide is legal in California

Just found out today that suicide is now legal in California and a doctor may prescribe life ending drugs in patients who have less than 6 months to live, as long as they are essentially not insane.

Wow, slippery slope there.  Could you imagine being a doctor and doing that?  That would be so hard emotionally, I don't know if I could do it personally.

Where I was going with this though, I think suicide should be legal... and this is somewhat sarcastic, but imagine if suicide were legal.  All of the people that show up in the ER claiming they are suicidal when in fact they are not, would now have to change their story.

"I'm sorry sir, suicide is legal... what would you like me to do about that?  Admit you?  No can do, but I can help you with that suicide if you want!"

OMG we would have homeless crack heads running from the hospital instead of running to it.

Insensitive?

Maybe.

But come do my job for a day or two and you will see what I mean.

Peace...

Grass is Greener

Why do I always feel the grass is greener over there?

I mean, at this point in my life, could the grass not be any greener in the spot I am standing now?

I am an M.D. for God's sake.  I mean, how cool is that?  Who the hell wouldn't want to be a doctor?

I've got tons to be thankful for... which I won't list off, but I do, I know I do.

I think I've pretty much decided that I am a pessimist.  That's the problem.  I'm always looking at the down side of things instead of the up.  Always the worse stuff instead of the cool stuff.

I need to figure out how to change my outlook on life to being more positive.

Hmmm... I suppose I just need to keep on trucking.

There was a time in my life when I knew some seriously true happiness.  I was unemployed, out of school, out of work, and single.  Those were some seriously serene days.  Not that I wan't to be single or unemployed again!

Just saying.  It's all about perspective and stuff.

Trump on Syria

I was just thinking about this...

Wait, so the Russians are willing to get involved in the messy business of the middle east?

This is absolutely brilliant.

Let them.  That's right.  Pull out of the middle east completely.  Just do it.  Why are we even there?  To protect out Allies in Saudi Arabia?

Screw that I say.

We should protect Israel, that's it... it is literally the only democratic government in the region.  Ok, simple enough.  Plus Russia seems willing to play nice with the Israelis.

Furthermore... if we leave, the russians will then get the brunt of all the blame that the US has had in the last 20 years messing around in the middle east.

What, oil prices may rise?  Possible, but not a big deal.  If anything, that helps us as our crude costs a lot to extract.  Oil prices stay low?  Awesome, the Russians suffer as do all the middle eastern thugs.

The point is... there is no real good reason to be in the middle east.

It just seems stupid to waste our resources on this area.

Ugh.  Just disappointed with the world.  What a mess.

Syria and the Middle East

So the Russians enter Syria and start bombing the people the US is supporting.

So now we have russian airforce in the same airspace, bombing targets that the US is protecting while the US bombs targets the russians are essentially pledged to protect.

At first I thought maybe this was just muscle flexing on the russian's part, I mean they did release some videos that show their bombing campaign, which is interesting, because I'm so use to seeing our videos.

Now we see the other side, they are saying: hey we got bombs too, we are powerful too.

But then I thought, damn... this could get messy.

I wish I didn't live in a big city, with the state of the world as it is, I'd really love to move to Utah in the middle of a mountain valley in a small town... just doesn't feel safe watching the news.

Financial Markets and CNBC

I was just watching CNBC this morning and thought how silly the stock market seems.  If anything, it is a giant casino.  One large, sanctioned, legal, world-wide Indian Casino.

Do you have some money, well I have a high yield bond for you!  What's a high yield bond you say?  Oh don't worry your little head!  It pays 8% dear sir!  Well sign me up!  Don't mind that high yield bonds are essentially junk bonds and based on crap financials to begin with.

What really makes me smile is Kramer or Cramer, however you spell it... this guy is wrong all the time and is essentially a clown.  Everyone on CNBC is a clown.  Come on, I mean it is what it is, the stock market sucks.  I have stock, I own stock, I've been up and down.  I don't spend any time on it to be honest.  I don't have much money to spend on it.

It is all a joke.

I've been thinking about taking all my money out and investing it in my life, like say in my own personal business.  Problem with that is I don't have any grand ideas to spend it on, but I think my money may be safer with me and spent on my own free will and mind.

Perhaps my mind has been warped by shark tank, but there are people on there all the time like you and me, and they make money spending their own hard owned money and time on their ideas.

So what's your idea?

What's my idea?

I stole this from here:

Grass is not greener!

There is an old joke that goes something like this:  neurotics are those who build castles in the sky, psychotics move in to them, and psychoanalysts charge them rent!

Like all good jokes, there is a strange kind of truth in it.  The joke reflects the idea that many troubles of the mind involve turning away from reality by being preoccupied with the search for anotherlife, a different life, perhaps a better life somewhere else.  Psychoanalysts have job security because we have anunderstanding that the only way to find mental health is to turn toward the life that you have and to deal with it.

Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein called this human task "the acceptance of reality"— and she viewed it as a cornerstone of mental health, contentment, inner security, and peace of mind.  She is in pretty good company, as this philosophy can be found throughout the ages.  Buddha once said that the way to happiness is actually quite simple; the secret is to learn to want what you have and not want what you don't have.

Troubles in life come when we believe the myth that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  We are taken over by envy, believing that other people have the good stuff and then feeling depressed, anxious, and persecuted by the belief that we have so little.  We are taken over by greed, wanting more and more and more, feeling that what we have cannot ever be enough. 

The reason why this attitude undermines mental health is that it leads us to turn away from the main task of life which is to make the most of what we have.  By denying the goodness of our very own lives, we believe that we have nothing good to work with nor the capacity to work with it.  We lose focus, self-confidence, and hope.

Psychoanalysts spend a lot of time trying to help their patients re-orient themselves to dealing with the life that they have.  At first, this can feel very deflating.  We must bust the myth that we can have someone else's life, someone else's castle, someone else's lawn. 

No, we only have our own.  But that is the pivotal spot.  If we can accept reality for what it is, we have the chance to develop it, to improve it, and to grow it. 

Robert Fulghum, author of that classic book "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" put it this way:  "The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you are." 

Copyright 2011 Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D.

Like it! Tweet it! Share it!

Today I am still grateful

For my son, poor guy.  Got a tummy bug this morning so I had to go pick him up from the day care.

I was thinking about more stuff that annoys me about an unnamed university hospital.

You know, I thought my PTSD I developed while dealing with the staff at the VA was bad enough.  You'd think I wouldn't have to do everyone's job for them, but apparently this is what medicine has become.  Not only do I have to do the nurses job, I apparently also have to do the social worker's job and the registration desks job.

When you write on the sheet that the patient is uninsured, I will get paged in the middle of the night to see them.  That's my job.  My problem is that the registration person wrote: uninsured when in fact they had insurance.  I know, not a big deal and I'm just whining.  Where in deed is the wambalance?

Well, that little mistake means I have to wake up, drive to the hospital, and over all spend about 4 hours of my time working up a patient that ultimately is not my patient, but the other doctor's patient.
So, what have I learned about this experience.  Yes you guessed it.  It was my fault when I asked and trusted the nurse when she told me over the phone the patient's insurance status.  It was my fault when I asked the second and the third time.  It was also my fault I didn't personally call the registration person to verify they put the correct info.

If I spend all day verifying info, however... stuff will never get done!  That's why there are other jobs in the hospital besides doctors...  Ok sorry, just getting this out there cause its annoying when this stuff happens and happens all the darn time!

Still grateful and thankful I get to go to work and then bitch about it.

And I'm grateful for my son.

And my wife.

And my animals.

Dogs

My word, these dogs are going to kill me or get themselves killed.  I was sitting at home eating some delicious pizza when my neighbor rang my door bell.

Much to my surprise he gestured at me and said something in Chinese I didn't understand, then pointed across the street.  I recognized my rascal dog from a distance.

She must have climbed under a fence and then jumped a wall, then squeezed through my neighbors fence to get out there.  She was so pleased with herself too.  I yelled across the street and she instantly came trotting up, rolling over onto her back.

Damn dog...

The other dog had followed her but was too fat to fit through the fence, so I had two dogs in two different neighbors yards!  2 hours later I had taken all the spare wood I had laying around and built a fairly solid wall, blocking the opening they had squeezed through.

Take that dogs!

It looks super ghetto, but I'm happy with it.

My wife would probably go into a deep depression if anything happens to these dogs...

Today I am grateful and thankful for my neighbor and the fact I was home when they got out.

Peace.

Overnight Shifts at the Hospital

I am unsure how I feel about overnight shifts.

Its this weird world, where you feel good about being here, the elevators all work super fast and there are not any throngs of people getting in your way.  The nurses even seem nicer, almost like everyone has an unspoken agreement to be likable.

My problem with the night shift, you get comfortable, you think to yourself: I'm going to get some sleep.  You get 7 hours of sleep!  Wow, you just inflated your expectations.  The next night you think to yourself:  I can't wait to go in to work, cause I'm gonna sleep all night!  You lay down in your call room, thinking your going to get a few hours of sleep and then bamn!  Pager goes off 45 minutes into your nap.  Now your tired, groggy, what's that nurse?  I need to go see a pt... grumble grumble.  Now your awake for the next hour or 2.  Ok, back into the bed you go, that has to be the last patient... but no, rinse and repeat, you got 5 more the rest of the night, and no sleep. Crap, now nights are the worst in your mind.

My problem with nights is not that I expect to fall asleep at some point, its that I am able to at some point.  Originally I usually go in expecting to get absolutely no sleep, then when I do I am thrown off and expect to get some sleep.   You'd think a good strategy would be to just stay awake even on slow nights... this doesn't work.  Try doing it, you get very bored for 10 hours overnight.  Sleep is always on your mind.

Anyhow, just a few thoughts on sleep as I did have a good night last night and I am fairly certain the next night won't be so kind!

Peace

Today I am grateful for my job

Poem

William Wordsworth: Daffodils

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o’er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced, but they

Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;

A poet could not be but gay,

In such a jocund company!

I gazed and gazed but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

Dog shaming

I love my dog, she gives me ample opportunities to dog shame, even let me video tape her while holding the sock.

On Moms and stuff

Get to go visit my mom today, super excited.

She essentially is someone who is reliving what she perceives as a lack of fun growing up by drinking too much, spending too much money, gambling, and relationships.  She perceives all this as being fun, I enjoy it somewhat because I go see her once a month and she tells me all the drama, all the drama, all the BS that she is worried about.

Its usually really idiotic things that she gets worried about.  For instance, she has successfully bought and sold 5 houses in the last 10 years, selling each for less than she bought it!

Did you say LESS?

Yes I did.  You see, she moves not for profit, but because she is uncomfortable in her surroundings.

But why didn't you stop her!?  You ask...

Of course I tried years ago to talk sense into my own mother, but this has been a pervasive patter for the last 20 years.  I suspect now that I'm in the medical field that she has a severe personality disorder.

But she is my mom!  And I do love her.  I love her from a distance.  We have a relationship that is more hands off than on.  More phone calls that house calls... more of never ever being able to ask her for anything, and I mean anything.

I have a baby, a baby!  And my wife's family lives 3,000 miles away.  Do you know who the only family member within 45 min drive is?  That's right, my mom.  You'd think she would be excited to be a grandma and hold babies and stuff, but she isn't and I don't ask her to.  You see, I watched from a distance when my brother had kids and tried to get mom to do normal grandma stuff, like invite her to parties, to birthdays, to babysit etc.

 My mom is probably the most interesting mom you've never met.  I think she should write  book.  Wait, maybe I should write a book, cause I'm fairly certain she doesn't see her craziness.

Anyhow, I look forward to seeing her briefly today for lunch and here's to all those out there who have a mom they gotta keep at a distance lest they get pulled into a dependent/histrionic/narcissistic personality nightmare!

Today I am grateful for my mom!

Continuing on...

From the time I get out of my car every morning to when I get into the office ~ 15 minutes or so, I have ample time to get into my head and think about the future and the past, all the awful things that could or could not happen.


If you are in recovery or some other self help program, you've probably heard that this is not a good thing to do!  As a matter of fact, all the stuff I was thinking about is no longer in my head, and it was all silly things. 


Like the following:


I should have said this to them
I should have wrote this note not that one
I should have done this not that
I'm sure someone is going to call me about this or that
What am I going to do about this on Monday
What about that, what about this.
Blah blah blah.




I actually have no idea what I was thinking as I was walking, the point is that none of it was useful and none of stuck.  All it did was get me into a bad mood which is probably why my wife and others think I tend to be more of a negative nancy at time depending on the day.


So I thought, how do you get into a good mood and live in the present?  Well, I already know that answer because I have been at this a good long while.


I remember when I was unemployed, oh the fun I had.  Yea I had no money, no job, no girl, no car, and a shitty apartment...  But what I did have was excellent peace of mind.


I use to read a lot of Buddhist stuff, which I should probably get back into practicing, like mindful walking. 


Mindful walking is an amazing tool you can use when just walking to work.


Here is a link.


Try it out, I know I need to do more of this.

God's Garden

Because Robert Frost is awesome:


Gods Garden by Robert Frost


God made a beatous garden
With lovely flowers strown,
But one straight, narrow pathway
That was not overgrown.
And to this beauteous garden
He brought mankind to live,
And said: 'To you, my children,
These lovely flowers I give.
Prune ye my vines and fig trees,
With care my flowerets tend,
But keep the pathway open
Your home is at the end.'

Then came another master,
Who did not love mankind,
And planted on the pathway
Gold flowers for them to find.
And mankind saw the bright flowers,
That, glitt'ring in the sun,
Quite hid the thorns of av'rice
That poison blood and bone;
And far off many wandered,
And when life's night came on,
They still were seeking gold flowers,
Lost, helpless and alone.


O, cease to heed the glamour
That blinds your foolish eyes,
Look upward to the glitter
Of stars in God's clear skies.
Their ways are pure and harmless
And will not lead astray,
Bid aid your erring footsteps
To keep the narrow way.
And when the sun shines brightly
Tend flowers that God has given
And keep the pathway open
That leads you on to heaven


This is one of those poems that really makes me just get into the present.


Peace...

The war against doctors

So, my sister posted something on facebook that made me smile this morning. 




I'm not going to give her the pleasure of linking to it, however it was one of those: "Click here to see how much your doctor is being paid by pharm companies" type websites.




Now, I don't actually get paid by any pharm company, in fact... I make a salary which is paid to me from the hospital.  Now, sure I'm sure some doctors make money from pharm companies, but I certainly don't. 




I was thinking I should post something in response to my sister.  Since she is a waitress and apparently an expert on M.D.s and Pharm companies, as well as an expert in multiple fields of medicine I figure she would get the point if I posted something like this:




"Click here to see how your waiter and waitresses make money off of evil food supplier companies and unassuming innocent customers who eat their evil wares."




Is that subtle enough?  I dunno.  I'm assuming my sister has some deep seated issues that even I can help her with as she literally attacks my profession daily.  From her anti-vaccine rants to the evil-doctor rants its hard to take it personally. 




Ah, I suppose I do take it personally.  But at least I know I do and have some insight into my crazy thoughts.




Sorry for the rant,




Maybe you can relate... maybe not.




Peace


Today, I am grateful for my baby, my wife, my job, my damn dogs, my cute cats, and all the other stuff.

Two Roads Diverged

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Mornings with Mommy and son

Did I mention I have a son?

How cool is that.  He is a couple months old now, he smiles, he cries, he shits, and he vomits all over the place.

Looking back now I didn't really know what to expect about being a father.  I thought maybe it would be  ground breaking, like I wouldn't suddenly be this awesome dad, husband, and person.  Somehow becoming a dad was going to be a life changing experience.

You know how all over the internet and book stores you see people posting about how you won't know what it's like being a parent until you do it... you won't understand those sleepless nights... you won't appreciate all the free time you had before... you just don't get it cause you don't have a kid yet.
You know what I'm talking about, right?

My siblings and cousins use to hold the fact that they were parents over me, like some sort of all powerful trophy "I'm better than you".

I'd say that having a kid basically did that one thing.  Now other parents can't look at you and be like - oh you don't know what it's like.  Cause yes I do know what it's like, and let me tell you parents, I disagree with your assessment on being a parent.

I think being a parent is pretty much exactly how I thought it would be.  Hard sometimes, but not ground breaking, and no my wife and I do not need a trophy nor do we need a cookie.

Being a parent is about as easy as this: being responsible.  Shit, I mean, people with 5% of the responsibility of my wife and I are able to be parents, why the hell couldn't we do it?  I'm already trying to knock her up again, but she says it's too much too fast.  She's probably right.  Are life does revolve around the little guy now, and things are harder, we don't get to do all the fun stuff like going to movies, but we still eat out all the time and do pretty much everything else we use to do.  We just lug the screaming baby around with us.  Easy as pie.

I would mention this... omg single people, I do not know how any single mom can have a baby.  The only way, I imagine, is with help.  I mean wow... i just can't wrap my mind around doing this on your own.  Two working parents is doable, that's what we are... but take away one of us and man that shit doesn't seem possible.

Ok, sorry for the rambling post.

Peace

J

Medicine at the VA - AKA the veteran's administration

Ok, so I'm not sure how to post this without coming across as a bit of a nagger.

I occasionally have to work at the VA in the emergency room for some extra cash here in the glorious midwest USA.

Did I mention I hate the VA?

Yes I am grateful for my job.  But some patients man... just press your buttons

This morning, in the little check box thingy on my computer, I almost filled in the "Reason for admission" as:  Malingering.

Then I thought, no wait I can't do that, try again.  Ok, how about: "Factitious disorder".

Nope, they probably wouldn't like that one either...

Ok, how about: "Antisocial personality disorder", nope can't put that...

Ok, I know:  discharge patient to self.

Good Job me.

J

Today I am grateful that I don't want to be admitted to a hospital and unlike most of my patients I have a home I can go home to.








.

Trying to get into the present

And failing to get out of it at the same time. 

I'm so in the present with things at work that I can't think of anything else but work.  I suppose that's normal.  Work sucks.  I'd really like to quit my job and write full time.  Maybe some self help books, fantasy, or scifi. 

This is a fairly useless post today I know.

I'm sober today, which is a good thing.  I'm fairly certain my anniversery was 9/3/15, which makes it nine years sober!  Wow, that is amazing.

If there is anything I can say today is that you can live a normal life sober. 

You can do great things sober.

In fact, you'd probably find that getting sober is the single most important thing you  could do in your life.  I was unhappy before.  I've been happy for the last 9 years and have done things and accomplished things beyond my wildest expectations. 

Go get sober people.

Today I am grateful:

For my cat
My dog, damn dog jumped over the fence yesterday :)
My wife
My baby
My wife's mom:  thanks for helping out with the baby
And everyone else.


























.

Headed to Wisconsin today

Driving to Wisconsin today which reminded me of Robert Frost for some reason... so here is one of my favorite poems:


Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening
By Robert Frost 1874–1963
     

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

So pretty, I love Robert Frost.  Makes me want to move to New Hampshire.

Today I am thankful for poetry

Jonathan

Good morning.

I was just talking to a patient this morning regarding his chronic back pain which lead me to think to myself how thankful and grateful I am for my current health.  It's funny how life is, we go about our daily lives, work work work, go home, hang out with family, take care of our kids, the dogs, the wife, go to sleep, get up, rinse and repeat.


I've got really nothing to complain about today.


Life is good. 


It sucks sometimes, but it gets better.


Did I mention the week my son was born, I had to put down one of our pets who died from cancer?


Yes, that sucked. 


But amazing how life goes on and no one is the wiser. 


Don't dwell on the past folks.  Always look forward. 


Jonathan

I'm officially back

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update, not that you care.  For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jon, I live in the Midwest where I am a resident physician at a hospital.  I have 9 years sober tomorrow!

A little about me...  I got sober 9 years ago in Tampa, hence the blog name.  I spent 4 years getting sober going to AA, then I decided to go to medical school in a small Midwestern State.  After medical school I completed one year of residency and will be graduating from that in a few years.  A lot of things have happened over the last 5 years, one of those being that I haven't been to an AA meeting  in about 4 years.  I stopped going because I don't have time.

I don't however want to be completely disconnected so I've decided to continue my work online, read blogs, talk about sobriety, and just lend a helping hand if my blog helps anyone... its a plus right?

So that's me.

Today I am grateful:

For my wife
My son,
My mom,
My dogs,
My cats,
My residency
My friends
The beautiful weather in the Midwest today.

Jonathan

What is up...

Been a little while since I wrote. Let's see... update: I got straight A's in all of my classes. I went to Baltimore for a few days to visit with my family.  

Moved

It has been quite a while, I apologize about that.

I just republished all my old blog postings, I figured they actually helped a few people in the past, so maybe some others will find some help in them.

Enjoy and hopefully I can gain back some readership as I did have a few people following me in the past... very few.  lol.

Peace