I am back!

Well I am back from Baltimore! All went well, I am sooo still sober! And tired too, it is 12:30 in the morning, so I must be off to bed.

Here are some shots from my trip!

My brother, grand ma, and I...



My self portrait in front of the USS Constellation...


Me in front of the USS Torsk...

Day 109, oh yea!

I am going to be out of town from the 22nd to the 29th. I don't think I will have internet access. So everyone have a merry x-mas, and take care. I will be thinking about you!

Good news!

The oral doctor guy said I don't have a dry socket and that the pain is normal.

Any how, I am not going to be lazy anymore, slowly but surely I am getting back into the swing of things. I think today is the first day at work that my jaw isn't preoccupying my brain.

It's funny how in the past, I use to think I was not like you people, with my scattered thoughts and anxieties. Today I am grateful that I am learning to be happy with me as I am. For the longest time, I was a basket case, always thinking way to much. Because of AA, I don't think to much, and I am beginning to enjoy life. This Christmas will be the first sober christmas in a long time. Thank you for that!

I leave you with a poem from my favorite American pimp... ok not really a pimp.

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Eveningby Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Day 108 baby!

My lord, my mom just called and is talking to me about her ass-hole exhusband. It is very hard to listen to this. It is all about her and how her ex doesn't want her and only wants to hurt her. But, big surprise here, she has to go have dinner with him! Ha, to listen to him tell her how much he hates and despises her. To basically make her feel like shit. Um, hello, your getting a divorce, he hates you, why agree to meet him? She is hopeless.

Any how, through her whole schpeel, I basically say, "I am sure you will be ok" and "I am sure you will make the right choices".. and maybe one "If it were me, I would not have dinner with my ex."

Any how...


Today I am grateful:

That I don't have to drink today,
Or ever.
That I have a kick-ass job.
For my family
and friends
and kitty cats
and that damn pain in my jaw.

My kitty cat Hoshi got "tagged" by another kitty cat out there named Boots. Here is Hoshi's list, she typed it earlier this morning :)

1) I am long... my tail flops over my back and hangs in front of my head. I am a Maine Coon cat... hence my long body and tail.
2) I head-butt my human slave in the morning to get him out of bed... he just loves that!
3) I like to chase this little red dot that occasionally appears on the floor, walls, and ceiling. It's like it's really there but when I lunge at it, it disappears or moves real fast out of my way. Sometimes I wonder if it were just an illusion... Maybe this could be the mysterious laser creature the humans talk about?
4) I like to tackle my friend Keiko, she is twice my age, but I am twice her weight! She growls, hisses, and swipes her paw at me; I am sure because she loves me so much.
5) I think I am a dog, trapped in a cat's body, I will run to wherever my pet human goes just to be next to him.
6) I am the most softest, cutest, prettiest kitty cat alive!

Well, Hoshi typed that up, I swear... she's such a miss prissy. Any who, life is good. I am still struggling with the pain in my jaw, luckily tomorrow morning I get to go to the doctor for a follow up visit, and she will surely let me know if the pain is normal or not.

I need to get my ass to a meeting tonight, and try to get back into my normal routine as best I can. I am leaving on Friday to go to Baltimore for a week. I don't know if I am going to bring my laptop or not, but if you don't hear from me for a week, that is where I am. Not to worry, my family are not drinkers, and I think i am spiritually in a good place, so I do look forward to it.

Thursday night we have a big book study group meeting over at Jeff's house, so that will be essential, reporting in with all those guys before I leave. Jeff called yesterday, and that was a blessing, he just wanted to talk to get rid of some fear before doing part of his fourth step. That made me feel pretty darn good. Jeff has 19 years sober and is very spiritual, so when he calls to look for some inspiration from someone like me, that makes me feel good, ya know?

Well folks. That's all I got for today.

Peace...

Day 107

My wisdom tooth extraction has taken a bit of a toll on me over the last few days. Yesterday I tried to come in to the office, but left after an hour, went home, and slept all day per doctor's orders. The pain was so great...

The pain has gotten a little less, but it's still there today. It's kinda like a constant ache... plus my cheek is still poofed up a bit, but looks like it could be coming down. Work was not so bad today, so I am hopeful that tomorrow my pain will subside even more, and by this weekend hopefully I will be back to normal.

This thing has really thrown a wrench into "my plans". Originally, missing all of my AA meetings, Tang So Do, and work was disconcerting and made me feel like I was letting someone down. Really, the only person I was letting down was myself, by being negative about the pain in my jaw. Today, I am fine with it. I am happy with me as I am, and I am a good person. Sitting at home, nursing my jaw, is not fun, but I can enjoy it by reading, painting, and watching the boob tube. Most importantly, I will not let myself get me down.

Letting go pain... is that possible? Maybe I will try that today and turn one more thing over...

Today I am grateful for:

My job
My home
My cats
My family
My friends
AA
getting my wisdom tooth out

Day 104

Ok, DG was totally right, it definitely has taken a swipe at me today. My left cheek is getting sorer, and puffing up. The doctor called today to check on me, and said that it should get worst tomorrow and then level off.

I think the anesthetic hadn't completely worn off until this morning, then I felt all motion sick and pain in my cheek when I was out at panerra this morning. I got a bit nervous and hurried on home... where I am taking it easy per doctor's orders.

My mom wants to do Christmas over at the beach tomorrow, so we shall see how that goes. Maybe I will take some pics! Should be fun!

Any how, thanks for the love and support. I am so lucky to be sober.

My kitty cat Hoshi is sooo cute!

Day 103 accomplished

Ha, yea, so I went in this morning to do the wisdom tooth thing.

They stuck a needle in the back of my hand, and then put some monitors on me and then blind folded me, and then put some earphones on (the eagles, to drown out the sound of the saw), and then I can't remember what happened next! The next thing you know I went from "the eagles" to wide awake and numb in the cheek, sitting up straight... I was a bit loopy, but I thought it was totally crazy that one second I was about to go under, and the next I was sitting walking out to the car. Nuts! And my mouth doesn't hurt too bad! Gosh! Simple, dammit next time, I look forward to getting knocked out!

I think I macked on the nurse while I was there too... although that could have been the aneasthesia goggles talking :)

Heya, day number 103

I'd like to share about something I am going to be going through tomorrow, and it's kinda blowing my entire day, and maybe even the weekend....

I have to get my wisdom teeth ripped out tomorrow. Generally, I am not really worried about the pain and blood... but I am a little worried about having my weekend suck and also getting knocked out with an anaesthetic. I have never been "put to sleep" before, and I have no clue as to what to expect. I have been told by most people it is not a big deal, you go sleepy and wake up and it's cool... so why worry? Just nervous I guess.

The doctor says I should be sleeping all day tomorrow after my surgery, I am not looking forward to being a lazy ass on Friday and Saturday. I also don't want to feel bad about waking up and feeling "messed up" like I heard one girl share in a meeting once. She woke up from an operation and busted out crying because she felt like she relapsed.I can see where guilt can creep in and blow the whole thing way out of proportion... waking up and feeling groggy or what not, but I think if your spiritually fit, that shouldn't bother you. So thankfully, I am glad to be spiritually right up there today!

I do know that I have plenty of friends to check up on me, and numbers to call if my thinking gets out of whack.

But anyhow, that's what's going on in my life tomorrow.


Today I am grateful:

That my insurance covers ALL of my operation
That I am sober going into this
That it's sooo not a big deal
That I can finally get that damn tooth out that has worried me since I found out about it 10 years ago
My family
My mom
My brother and sister
My job, which I am totally procrastinating on today
AA
My sobriety
Oh yes, and my two little kitty cats ;)

Sober for 3 and a half months

Well today is day number 102!

I woke up late today, again, but that's ok! I woke up without a hang-over! Which is really fabulous news! I use to wake up late and blame my drinking, but man, I might have a "waking up problem"... or maybe I need to start hitting the sack before 12:00am!! For more insite on this, visit Brad's New Blog, he is attempting to get up earlier too for his new project!

Appearently the two ladies in charge may have a problem with sleeping too, what do you guys think?



I also actually use to use alcohol as a way to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier, especially in college. Nothing like a few beers to take the edge off, and keep my mind from spinning out of control! I'm glad that I can fall asleep today without thinking about alcohol, and obsessing over it. It has been nearly 2 months since I have "had the urge" if you know what I mean.

You know what's great? I don't have to drink today. I don't want to drink today. And I feel pretty damn good about it. I have AA to thank. Thank you for the humility, thank you for the ego-deflation, thank you for being there for me, thank you to all my friends who have taken my phone call, thank you to you guys for being there and being blunt and to the point, thank you for everything!

Stop by and visit HippieChick... today I am grateful for:

Hippie chick, you are not alone!! Hippie Chick's Blog
My sister
My brother
My mom
My dad
The rest of the family
My friends
My AA friends
My blogger friends
My two kitty cats
My kick-ass car
My bad-ass town home
My health
Anybody I can help today

Peace...

Day 100!!

100 days sober! Wow!

Appearently I have been tagged by many of you to do this list of 6 wierd things about me! Oh God no! You guys are going to find out more crazy things about me! Along with this list, I thought I'd post my first picture, crushing my anonymity. Enjoy!



6 Wierd things about me: (Honestly, after thinking on this for quite a while, I think I am pretty normal!)

1) I am attracted to older women more than younger women
2) I enjoy eating lunch alone, with my news paper
3) I have always thought my left leg is slightly smaller then my right leg, even though I am probably just insane...
4) I use to have all of the star trek books... like over a hundred, and yes, I read them all
5) Did I mention I am trekkie?
6) I have a fear of answering the phone - (this one is a new one since I got sober)

I don't think I will tag anyone, seeing how all of you have been tagged already ;)

So, life is good. I had a great weekend, a little busy. I went to a "normy" party on Saturday at a friend's house. He was having a big poker game and gift exchange, so I showed up with my friend Kim, and we had a blast. I was there till about 10:00pm, and as you probably know, I really would have rather been out doing my thing. I let Kim show me a good time though, as I had promised her dinner that night. (Just a friend people! :) Any whooo, had dinner with her, my brother, and his girlfriend at a Korean Resteraunt, then went to the party.

There was drinking, but Kim is aware of my problem, and I felt spiritually fit, so I went and had fun! My friend Scott is an attorney, so him and his dorky buddies were there... fun stuff.

Saturday I decided I wanted to try to paint. So I went to the store, bought some acrylic paints, brushes, pallat, canvases, and an eisel! Then I was kinda nervous, not knowing what to do... and then I just got started and painted my very first painting. I never thought I had an artistic bone in me. In the past, I was always too busy for something like this... anyhow, my friend Jeff said I would probably try things like this, and discover new things about me in recovery. I really enjoyed painting. After finishing the thing, I hung it up on the wall, and then went a bought 4 more 20" x 24" canvases.... I am excited!! Here is the painting, my first crack at this... not sure if I want constructive critisism or what, but here it is!

Day 96 and a half

Ok, so I deleted my post on accident. I really wanted to share about it though! So I decided to do it again! Joy!

Ok, so on Tuesday, I was totally looking forward to an evening of Tang So Do and my scheduled plans for the evening, when my boss informed me of a business dinner I should attend. I actually thought for a second about how I hate doing anything that is not "my plan", and actually toook a few seconds before telling my boss that, yes, I would attend. Usually, in times past, I declined and turned down many "business networking" opportunities.

Anyhow, the point is, I actually saw the light. I am slowly coming to the realization, that if my plan for one night does not work out as I planned, that it is no big deal, and that I should actually enjoy these opportunities I am receiving. Generally I do my thing, my way, after work. Whether it be AA, Martial Arts, Working Out, Reading, or watching TV, I usually do what I want in the evenings, and it use to be very very hard to do anything for or with anyone I didn't want to or previously plan to... unless I was drinking of course! Take the drink away, and I really am a stubborn guy.

I noticed on Tuesday, these feelings, and just let it go. I ended up going to this dinner, where everyone was drinking, except me. Not a problem. And funny thing, noone said anything about me not drinking. I must have been the only person to notice! The firm who took us out to dinner, took us to the "Columbia" restaurant in Ybor City. Very posh, very nice. They spent $2,000 on us, 4 people from my company, and 3 from theirs. Basically, they were trying to wine and dine us to get our business. Very fun guys and a good time. I was a bit tired though, didn't get home till 10:00pm, and then had to get up early the next day.

A coworker of mine, called in sick the next day. She later confided in me that she stayed out with the other folks from that evening until 4:00am and could not come in because she was so hung over. I was smiling on the inside, as I know exactly what she is talking about!

Wednesday, I had another meeting late in the evening down in Bradenton, which I had to attend. This one was far less exciting, and amounted to a bunch of citizens complaining about road way improvements, of which they had no control, to staff members at the County. Fun stuff. I got home around 9:00pm last night, and was just pooped. 2 late nights at the office, 2 nights which were not my plan, 2 nights on someone elses plan wore me out, and I basically really was out of it when trying to figure out what to do with myself last night. I did nothing, and went to bed.

Today I feel good. Just happy I enjoyed those previous evenings to the best of my ability when the old me was screaming "Do my plan!! Not theirs!!"

Slowly I am learning to enjoy other people, and get out of myself.

All do to my HP of course.

Day 96

Ok, now I am just pissed. I just wrote a great-hunky-doory post about how great the day was, how I was really busy at work, and how I went to a couple work meetings after hours, and how it all went great... and then I deleted the whole damn thing. What a damn farse!

Any how, I am having a great day! Hope you all are too. Maybe next time eh?

Peace

Day number 93

Day number 93 and... I don't really feel like drinking at all.

This weekend was good, mostly hit all of my meetings except for the Sunday night one, which seemed to be cancelled do to the church's activities last night.

I spent some time at home, as is usual, and dwelt a little bit on the third step prayer. It seems that daily, I am having trouble turning over certain things to my HP. Work for instance is a big one... but there is more to it than just that. I think maybe I am unhappy with myself and my past choices in my life. So in this respect, I need to turn that over to my HP, and be happy with me as I am.

I was thinking about that this weekend, and again this morning. I kinda every now and then started telling myself "I am happy with me!", "I am ok with me as I am!". This seems to help. It's like I am always thinking ahead to the future, what if this, what if that... This all needs to be turned over.

How can I do that on a daily basis?

Today I am grateful for:

My mom
My brother
My sister
My cats
My home
My car
My bicycle
My coffee cup
My health
My body
Being able to help out Friday and Saturday night
Hanging out with some other AA's over the weekend
These tools which slowly but surely I am learning to use ever so more often then the day, week, or month before

Day 90!

Yea! Today I pick up my 90 day chip!

Recently I have found that at the office I have been extremely crazy and self-seeking, judging from previous posts and the help of you folks! So today I prayed quite a bit, asking God to remove my self seeking ways, and praying for him to take care of all of the things that I don't need to control although I'd like to.

Specifically, with work. Sometimes I don't agree with my boss, fear picking up the phone, or worst yet: fear this weekly Friday meeting with the Regional President!! Agghh!! Ok, it's not that bad. I asked God to help me out here, to take away my worries... and guess what? I actually worked my ass off today, and feel pretty darn confident of this meeting.

I am still scared shitless, but I am sure my HP will help me through it.

Today is 90 days, and I am grateful to have woken up sober today and to remain sober throughout the day and night! I am grateful for everything!

Like:

My cats
My house
My job
My family
My sobriety
My AA friends
My friends... in AA
And naturally, I am just happy to be alive!

Peace to you all