HALT!

HALT!

Hungry... no
Angry... no
Lonely... maybe a little
Tire... F@!# Yea!

Lol, I need to sleep...

So I am gonna do just that...

Peace out!

Jonathan

What what!?

I am a LOST HERO onboard BATTLESTAR GALACTICA! Lol, ok... just kidding. I love those shows though. I am dissapointed that BSG is over now... they found earth, but the ending to the series seemed kinda off... almost like it was not that great of an ending. I was hoping for better anywhooo.

So. Not much new with me really. I am really getting into school lately. I am way more active on campus than I have ever been in the past. Today I joined one society based on my major... pretty cool actually. We are going to the local Medical School for a visit here on the 10th of April... so that should be cool.

Relationship wise, no complaints today. I really have very little drama to complain about. Oh wait, nope... found one. My mom. My brother called today and said he thinks that she is an alcoholic like me.... and for him to say that is pretty big. Appearently she swore off the booze about a week ago, claiming to be a whole 3 days sober and a new person. I mentioned AA, she kindly declined... said she could do it herself. My brother took his daughter over to see her for lunch the next day... my mom says to the waiter "Do you have any decaf, unsweet, green tea??" Waiter says "no, we have some ice tea though..." My mom says "In that case, how about a glass of wine?" 3 glasses later... you get the picture.

So... I am not really all that affected by this, but it is annoying, and a source for fear and anxiety to crop up.... but not much, I immediately ask for these fears to be removed and pray about it. It seems to work for me... imagine that. It works if you work it!

Peace out

Jonathan

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two great friends during revolutionary times, had a slight falling during Adams term as President... Adams and Jefferson did not speak but once while Adams was President and Jefferson was Vice President. They did rekindle their friendship later in life, and got passed old agrievences.

The last thing Jefferson's hand wrote to John Adams, rather how he closes his letter to Adams:

Oct. 12 1983

"Beseeching you then not to suffer your mind to be disquieted by this wicked attempt to poison it's peace, and praying you to throw it by, among the things which have never happened, I add sincere assurances of my unabated, and constant attachment, friendship and respect."

Awesome qoute...! Man those guys could really write!

Jonathan

What it means to be a friend

It means not to be deceitful, it means to not ignore them, it means to just show up once in a while. It means to not be hateful... it does not mean to completely disappear. It means to be sincere and to not be selfish. It means not to reject them. That is what it means to me...

When people act negatively in this regard, I usually take it in passing.. but when a friend suddenly acts differently... and treats you as if you are some other Joe... that hurts. That hurts my feelings. It makes me feel rejected. It hurts. Let me say it again, and let me emphasize the word "HURTS". That indicates pain, real emotional pain. It hurts... It hurts my very sole, or ego, whatever... friends don't suddenly act different towards their friends. If you do, and you don't tell them why, then you are hurting them! It is emotional pain... it hurts... It really does.... as occured in the past recently when I figured out after a while.. (I am dense) that I was being treated less then ideally.

So I looked at that, and decided to get over it. What do you do to get over it? The rejection of me by someone else is by no means an assult on my perona or person. It is merely that person making the decision that they no longer want to be in my life in that capacity. At first, that's not what it feels like! Naturally it has taken some time, but I feel like I am getting over the loss. That is what it is to me... a loss. I didn't make the choice, it was made for me and the actions made were clear indicators.

As I was saying. The rejection of me does not diminish me. I am still me! Some people do like me for me and do not have ANY expectations outside of me staying sober and present...

Random post tonight

Yall can figure it out, had to get it off my chest.

Jonathan

Beach Day!

It's a beach day today! I got up early and am ready to roll! My good friend from school, Megan, and I are going. None of those weird feelings between us either... she is cool, has a bf who is cool, and pretty much is one of the first normal people I have met in the bay area outside of AA.

Its nice to have some normy friends... I've noticed that they tend to NOT dissappear like 90% of the AAs. I figure if people in the program are gonna relapse or stop hanging out, I need to have friends I can count on.

Good to be sober today ya?!

Yippee!

Jonathan

Leaving Indiana

Headed home today.

I feel like the trip was a success. Really have no complaints about it. It was however taxing to hang out with one of my friends. He seems to not have changed much from high school and there was a bit of just pure boredom in the air when we were together. It totally brought me back man... that was just how I remember it! lol... Oh lordy, why we hang with those we do I do not know.

I really had fun at Luke's place and with Nick. I also thought it was pretty fabulous seeing the old haunts and places I use to see day after day for 10 years. I miss home. I wish my parents had laid down some damn roots and stayed. But that wasn't meant to be I guess. I think after seeing home again it makes me feel that leaving home was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. My manerisms and personality would not have grown and changed as they have over the past 5 years if I had returned to Indiana. Just sitting with Nick last night, and watching him throw in a big fat chew made me feel that old desire to fit in and be one of the guys. I told him that. And kinda speculated at that time how I would have turned out. I thought if I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to stay sober or quit tabaco. Not with buddies that still drank and smoked and dipped all the time. Nick and I had a laugh about it.

He asked if I wanted one and I kindly decined. :)

The C-Family are certainly the most awesome family in Carmel. I can't say how much they make me feel at home. It was almost like it is my home. I stayed there often growing up and it seems to me to be the only place where I can go and everything is still the same.

Just killing time at the moment, chilling in the Indianapolis Airport.

Barry is picking my ass up today in the afternoon. I am eternally grateful for him and the other friends I now return to.

Feeling grateful for:

Scifi
Books
The moon
The Future

Today was a grande day in Broadripple

I think I spelled that correctly... any whoo. I met Nick's fiance tonight. Nick invited me to Bdubbs or better known as buffalo wild wings in broadripple. We sat at the bar for about 2 hours and just had an awesome time. Nick drank his beers and I drank my diet coke. His fiance was absolutely wonderful behind the bar. Very cool girl.

Nick and I just talked and talked about the good ol' days. He went to school with me for a few years, and pledged the same fraternity as I did... I totally forget sometimes all of the stuff that happened. With him there tonight, I was able to remember some more of the good times I totally seem to forget about! I was like... "wholly shit!" I totally forgot about that night! Or the relationships we had between different guys and the whole group of guys we pledged with. Man, the flood gates were open tonight and the memories just poured out. I can't believe how I forget how much Nick was apart of my youth and into my early 20s... I mean, he was there for some MAJOR memories.

Awesome... just so incredibly awesome. Not only were we bonding over the old stuff, but we were talking away about the new stuff. He asked if I had a sponsor in the program. I said yes but didn't go to far into the AA stuff. Not my place to even go there... but what is really cool, is that I am an example to him and my other friends if they ever decide they have a problem. I know one or two may have an issue, but that is not my call.

I also think I learned this week how everything is still here. Most of the people that are here, probably aren't moving any time soon. I REALLY enjoyed staying at Lynda's house. Her son is flying out here in July, so I plan on returning during the intermission of the summer sessions. I just can't get over how much fun I had hanging with the guys and being sober while doing it. It was like I was finally myself, comfortable in my own skin. My friends are super awesome people... just awesome to get in some face time with the folks that know me from way back when we were little!

That is allllll I have for now! I am flying out in the afternoon at the new Indianapolis Airport!

Peace out...

Jonathan

Creativity

I don't think I am very creative... I can never think of anything really interesting to say on here beside just reporting what is going on with me for the day.

Hmmm..

I miss Tampa... look forward to being home. I am happy to be sober today. I feel good that I have never ditched any of my friends for a girl yet, that I stuck around the rooms regardless of how busy I was or who I was dating. I am glad I do not get pre-occupied with other people and remain focused on staying sober.

I had a few friends that have occasionally dropped off the face of the planet. Looking at these folks it is interesting... a couple guy friends and girl friends both. It really brings to mind some dangerous behaviors which seem to always take folks out. Either that or they are just a mess emotionally. I have this one friend that always calls me... and it is so sad... but they are like always talking about "poor me" "screw her" or "I hate so and so"... I am like... dude, grow up. I don't appreciate you trash talking anyone. Even if I don't particularly like someone, I don't ever say the words "I hate so-and-so." Hatred is one of those character defects I think... and totally says more about you then the person it is directed at!

So smile... :)

Basically, bottom line... they alienate themselves... and I don't it often, but they aren't growing spiritually... they are going BACKWARD! So I talk to them less. Poor guy won't learn, but he seems to take all the advice from the rooms and disgard it and do it HIS way. Not cool... I don't appreciate friends that act like junior high schoolers... One of my friends tells me people will slowly disappear from the rooms as we get more years in sobriety... people you get sober with slowly go away.

You know, I don't ask for much. To be my frend, all you really need to do is occassionally call me, ocassionally hang out with me, and don't be a selfish dick or dueche bag. Not calling and not going to meetings, and then suddenly showing back up... ONCE, is ok. I will give you chance... sometimes more than one. Do it multiple times? That makes you a dueche bag and a dick, and slowly but surely I learn that you won't change. I think I have two guy friends currently working on dueche bag status.

Stick with the winners..

Jonathan

Holy crap I am tired

So tired tonight. I was at the pub with Chad and told him I was really feeling up for the poker-smoke filled local pub. I promptly left and went on back to miss's C's house. Eric and I hung out and watched Entourage instead! He is Luke's little brother... otherwise known as... Peanut. Yea, that is because back in the day he was usually the smallest kid on the hockey team. But... he was awesome too. So yea, we hung out and I get to sleep at Lynda's again tonight, in a nice warm bed. In the morning it will probably be death by mass quantities of food... but I am prepared for that.

Tomorrow night I meet Nick's fiance and him for dinner and then it is back home on Wednesday.

Like it says up above... I am freaking tired and need to get up early to do some studying!

Peace out...

Jonathan

Amazing!

How cool is it to have your computer with you when you are on these trips? Awesome cool... that's what.

I find I have time to kill every so often, with nothing to do, and I then find myself at panerra or starbucks leaching off the internet.

Megan has 3 kids! Tracy is still married and just became a cop! Haha, now that is random! I was like "Really?!".. . "Really?" "No way... Tracy?" lol... seriously. Tracy does not look like a cop... totally small body frame. We really had a good lunch and some good reminiscing. I talked to them alot about what it was like for them to stay in Indiana. It seems like they were all about how they are "over" Carmel... and would love to live somewhere else. I think that seems to be the case where ever you go... you know? The grass is greener over there! It seems lots of people from highschool never got through college, and mostly ended up back on the north side of Indianapolis. So I guess I am doing alright for myself... working on a second bachelors degree and then an MD/PhD... heck yea man. Way to go.

I am so glad I have good friends down in Tampa now, guys I can call at a drop of the hat and say hey! Lets hang out!

Linda and I were talking about how some people are totally connected to there parents in an unhealthy manner... like having the parents lingering over the kid's every move. I am so glad that I had the nerve to leave my step-dad's company and cut that damn chord. I use to feel so depressed working for them... living their life and not my own. It feels great to be happy living my life without my parents telling me what to do.

Anywhooo, just bored at the moment. I am sure I could probably go say hey to Linda or maybe just drive around... but for now I am going to surf the web and maybe do some studying.

Peace

Jonathan

Carmel

I miss my house...



Pretty cool though how Google had a better pic than I could take with my cell phone!

Today I am going to see two old acquantences... Two girls I haven't seen in probably 10 years. We are doing lunch. Not sure how I feel about it, but these two girls were the original original crew from like... 9th grade. I hung out with them that year and had a crush on one of them. I think it was my first ever crush. Wait a sec... probably had a crush on both. But any way, they are girls, still friends after all these years, just like Chad and I. Chad is headed to Muncie today, so I am gonna go over and meet them for lunch. Megan said... "just like old times". Haha, not quite. Megan has 2 kids... and Tracy is married. But, it will be like old times in that it's just us three. I have fond memories of those days in ninth grade. Megan was the first girl I got the nerve up to talk to. She was also the first girl I never asked out when I should have. You know, that first chick you were just too scared to get rejected from, so you just avoided the rejection and stayed friends?

Awesome... awesome life lessons.

One thing I always wondered... would I have married someone from highschool if I had stayed? All my friends from here seem to hook up with someone we graduated with... and its random too, people in different groups of friends totally married. I think knowing so many people from highschool, you'd run into them more and randomily have more chances to date due to the ice-breaker "Hey! I went to high school with you! Remember that time when...".

Just saying... Although, I think moving away has its benefits too. I think you get much more growth living away... you are challenged to make new friends and meet new people. I think... we will never know will we, which is better and which is worse. You'd have to go back and live it all over... which we can't do can we?

I had a few cool ideas for a website today. Was thinking of possibly making some sort of help website for chemistry. I had trouble finding anything online for my class, so I though... why not make one myself and help others!

I am still super stoked to get home. I am really enjoying Indiana though. Last night it was poker till midnight at a local pub and then a movie back at Chad's till three in the morning. Just like old times except I am sober! It is interesting... and I find bars completely boring. The poker made it more fun than it would have been. Chad has not changed one bit... especially with the fact that he stays up till 4:00am and smokes cigerettes in his house.

Him and his girl freaking smoked cigs in the room I was sleeping in with the door shut.... I was like... what are you all doing in there. Then I realized they were smoking in there so the rest of the apt didnt smell. They were like "oh, sorry, didn't realize this is where your sleeping". Yea... thanks guys! Haha, its cool. I expect no less from Chad. Just like old times... smoking cigs and keeping my ass awake way to late.

Not sure what we are doing tonight... just trying to stay in the moment and out of my head so I can enjoy these moments while being there for him. (his dad just died)


Welp... thats all for now...

Peace out

Jonathan

Carmel Indiana

Up in Carmel for the weekend... till Wednesday. Nothing else new with me. Spring break is this week. School is great. The more I talk to people about school I feel like a PhD could be in my future instead of the MD. I think I will apply to Medical School regardless... but am really stoked about my back up plan.

I am excited to see some old friends over the next few days. I am staying at Luke's parents place for now.. may stay at Chad's tonight. Should be cool. I saw Nick and his Dad yesterday...

I am also naturally stoked to get home. I think a day or two at the beach is in order. My friend Megan wants to hit the beach when I get back. We may invite some other folks from school...

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan