LoL

Wow, time flies eh? I keep forgetting to update my blog, but I do write stuff down in my journal at night before bed! They submitted that darn letter on the Friday after I made the posts... My application is complete at all the schools I applied to and have gotten invited to interview at 3 medical schools already! Yay!

First interview is on November 11th... I am ready to rock it!




Today I am grateful for:
My kitties
My mom
My dad
My bro
My sis
My friends
God

Its a good day today

As is usually the case... I'm waiting on this committee letter, and feel that subconsiously it is affecting my daily routine. Its out of my control, but I am sure they will submit it soon!

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&

31 Q

Is my score on the mcat... Initially I was disapointed because I thought I had done better, but then I realized that anything over a 30 is considered "good" and "competitive" for medical school. I did better than 85 percent of all test takers... So that says something. That test is rough, and am glad I don't have to retake it!

Sent via BlackBerry by ATT

Ate...

Just got done eating with Jeff at IHOP, and now am home. I have to have to have to do some studying like right now. Suddenly I feel tired though... man, gotta get motivated! Perhaps the 5:45pm meeting is in order...

Just talked to my grandma and she made me promise I'd call her tonight and let her know how I did regardless of what time it is!

A promise

I am not gonna hit refresh for one hour!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Getting nervous

... And thinking about going to the gym. I gotta also stop by target and get a notebook. Boo, I gotta busy day today. :)

Must stop hitting refresh!

J
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Today is the day...

Forgive me for what will appear to be psychotic posting today, but today is the day my MCAT scores are to be released.

I wanted to sorta chronicle the day and just see where my thoughts go as it progresses...

It is 11 in the am, and I am trying to study analytical chem. Things are well... Jeff and I are gonna do lunch. I keep hitting refresh to see if the scores are in.

J
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

40S

I woke up this morning convinced I'd scored a 40-S on the mcat. It was disapointing to discover I was dreaming! Haha... I guess the amount of times I am hitting the "refresh" button on the mcat reporting website is getting to me... :).

I am starting to project more and more, convinced I've failed one minute and then convinced I've got the highest score ever the next. I'm pretty sure the disparity between the 40 and the S in my dream reflect my inner turmoil!

Its all good, I kinda enjoy the suspense...

:)

J
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Funny!

As I walked into my house tonight I had this very thought, and since it rhymed I figured I should post it!

"How crazy you see, that I should tell me how grateful I should be!"

J

Food

I was debating where in the world I should eat this afternoon, and I went with Havana Village up off dale mabry.

I think I was feigning a cuban sandwich... It was quite good, and I am well satisfied.

I am nervous to get my MCAT scores. They should be out Tuesday or even before... I'm wondering where is a good place to be when I click that refresh button and find the score glaring back at me.

Hmmm... Perhaps the bookstore would be most appropriate.

Today I am grateful

J
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Test

Testing mobile blogging...
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Three Years Sober soon!

I will have three years on September 3rd! Hurray! My roommate was like "I thought it was odd you go to so many meetings having soo much time, like I thought you'd go to less meetings as you have more time!" Silly little normie, they don't quite understand do they! lol

Got back from my cruise in Baltics... very nice. Lots of fun. Met lots of people, and facebooked them all. Some are already planning a Las Vegas weekend in the near future! I can't explain how much fun I had, once again. It seems like I have had more fun sober on cruise ships than I ever did in the past being drunk on cruises. If they go to Vegas, I will probably go as well if the flights are cheap.

Back to reality now. I have lots of secondary applications to fill out for med school. It's hard to stay motivated because I caught ANOTHER cold. Anywhooo... good to be alive!

Jonathan

2 Years and 11 months sober...

I can't tell you how grateful I am that some of you blog and continue to blog. Looking back at my 6 posts over the last 5 months, it is appearent that I am not good at blogging. But it does help me occassionally to type this stuff out which goes on between my head.

I leave for Europ in a few days, and will be gone for about 2 weeks. I am nervous about that, sorta, and the fact that I have to leave my kitty cats. I also feel slightly stressed about what comes next in the application process, which is filling out all the secondary applications and writing a bunch of essays. I think my plan is to take all the essay questions and write out my responses while on the cruise and airplane. What better time is there, ya know? I know, I know, I should enjoy the cruise and relax... well, I find it relaxing to get things done and out of the way, and as Medical School is important to me, I will find it very relaxing to get these applications done before the next semester starts in September.

I will miss my friends as well, and hope that they don't miss me too much. Not that I am really all that important. :) My life is really great today. I hope to only make more meaningful relationships in the future, and to discover a deeper love for life and others as I trudge the happy road to the best years of my life.

Jonathan

Pivot

Just took the MCAT. I do not want to dwell on it, and such is the reason for my post today. This is the last I plan on mentioning it until I get my scores (1 month!). I feel that I did well on it, but naturally I am in my mind obsessing over questions, second guessing, and even confirming wrong answer choices that I made! This is classic pre-med behavior... and classic alcoholic behavior too! So... I hid all my study material, and am eliminating all possible reminders of the test. Hopefully not too many folks will ask how I did or what not, cause it makes me think about it!

When doubts creep in I shall remember:

To pivot away from the bar and towards the here and now. Turn over all the doubts and fears and live in the present. I felt really good and confident while I took the exam. I will get a good score!

End of story. Check back in a month and we shall see how I did!

Jonathan

I feel...

Slightly stressed.

With so much going on upstairs... I made a list to get it all off of my mind and am now gonna do something about it. But, naturally I am not a hundred percent A.O.K., I need to let go of my expectations with regard to medical school. I feel some fear creeping in... "Im not good enough" "not doing enough" "not trying hard enough" etc....

I think I'd like to take a break today from the world, and maybe go see a movie by my self here in the next few hours.... perhaps I will. Any whoo, that's what is going on with me today. I think there is some emotional hangover from the family attempting to include me in their drama yesterday. Never a good thing....

Today I am grateful to be sober!

Peace!

Jonathan

MCAT study days...

And so begins the month long ordeal we shall come to know as... MCAT hell! Ha ha ha! Just kidding, it is not really that bad... or is it? I just got my OOficial guide to the MCAT from the AAMC. Basically only 400 pages of pure MCAT knowledge. This little guide I could easily complete in one day, if that tells you anything about the amount of reading and problems I do daily. I have all these books that are literally about half a foot thick when added up together. They encompass my soul.

So I got done with Biochemistry the other day. I ended up getting an AB, which is a 3.5 out of 4 on the 4 point scale. Appearently our school does not do A- or B+, so the AB is like in-between them. Which is fine by me... I am totally cool with the AB. It was by far the hardest class I have ever taken and completed in 6 weeks. Jack and I had the highest grades in the class. This one guy who went to school in Georgia and was here for the summer, TOTALLY failed the class (who by the way acted like he was soooo smart on account he went to an ivy league school). The dude was always talking about how his school was sooooooooooo much harder then normal schools. Appearently it was hard to him because he was a moron, obviously.

The guy from USF did about the same as the guy from Georgia. Except the guy from USF said USF's classes were a total joke compared to our classes at UT. The girl from UF got a B and the girl from UT got a C. So I guess it really doesn't matter where you go to school, IMHO. It's what you make of it and if you can handle the material...

End Rant

I am going to go on amazon right now and buy about 10 different fiction books that I need to add to my library. Basically all sci/fi or fantasy type books which are part of series that I have been reading... I am about done with the 7th book in the Sword of Truth series and need the next one asap! Any whoooo... good to be alive today ya?

Peace...

Jonathan

What I would do...

Oh what I would do. I would do anything to have normal lower extremities which do not hamper my attempts at running. I can go for about a mile and half and then my legs just hurt too much. I blame my lower portion of my legs... that bone below the knees...

I feel so good after a good run, yet its not really a good run! I have to go slow cause my legs can't take the pounding they use to... I go slow but the heart still races to some extent and I feel like a million dollars when I look up at the trees reflecting the lamp light... with darkness surrounding... and music filling my mind... such a good feeling. Every thing becomes clearer...

So... a good day. Let me tell you about it. I woke up at 7:30am, went to a local church and helped feed the homeless until 10:30am. Then I went to the book store and studied until 12:30. Then I went to the gym and lifted weights until 1:30ish, I called my dad in-route and said "happy fathers day". I then went to subway and ate until 2:00 at which point I went to Starbucks and resumed studying... until 4:00, when I went to the grocery, and bought 30 eggs and scrapple. I had about 9 people over for dinner at 5:00pm, we cooked out and had break feast for dinner, and then watched a movie at 6:30pm until l 8:30...

Everybody left, and I went for a run for about a half hour... covered 3 miles and just chilled out... took in the evening and experienced the thrill of my heart racing... I do like that...

Now I am here... and will probably do some studying... maybe an hour of it, and then I am off to bed. The whole point is... I had such a full day and am sober!

Good times...

Jonathan

Hmmm...

Well now, been a few weeks since my last post. I have been super busy with school as of late and am feeling quite bogged down with my studies. I have about a month and a half until I have to take the MCAT and about 2 weeks until biochemistry is over.

I am handling it quite well. I have to surrender often, throw up my hands and say "I can't do it! Not now, go relax... let it go!" Haha... it is good, really. I guess I am sorta concerned about the MCAT... but am sure it will alright. People seem to really have this idea that I am really smart and am going to blow it out of the water. My one professor thinks I am gonna score high enough that he suggests I apply to the top 20 medical schools... ya... hmmm... lets hold off on that and just see how I do eh!?

Any whooo... tired. Life is good today, my cats are beautiful, I have a nice roomy, sobriety is AWESOME, and there is nothing to complain about.

Much love

Jonathan

Hello again my friend hello

Not much in the way of anything new and exciting to report. Although the semester is over, and I most assuredly will recieve a 4.0, I still manage to find the time to stress out about learning! Whats new to me is learning how best to study for the MCAT. I feel stressed as I go through the material myself. I know, or atleast think, I am doing the best I can... and that I will get a good score based on my effort... but its weird, because the test encompasses so much information... and in one sit down study session, you can only really review a small portion of that information.

The test is broken into 3 sections including verbal reasoning, physics, chemistry, organic chemistry and biology. I have study material for each subject... basically 5 different subjects, each with 10 sections. Each section can be gotten through once by reading and writing the info into notecards within 3 hours. So that is 50 sections at about 150 hours! My plan so far has been to hit the bio hard, and generally review the easy stuff (everything else) by reading the sections and doing the quizes and tests.

What is odd, and interesting, is feeling stressed after a day of studying. It's not like normal stress, cause in school, you know you have this test tomorrow and it just covers this amount of info.... with this, its not over, you just gotta keep on studying, day in and day out and stay on schedule. It feels good to write about this... I could feel the cortisol levels rising earlier today ;)

Now all is good, I think I will take a bath and relax... I am leaving for Baltimore on Thursayd... I will be gone for a few days... I will probably bring the computer along for the ride.

Much love

Jonathan

Hello again...

Sorry to drop off the face of the planet like that... the last few weeks have been extremely busy! I have finally gotten done with finals for the semester. Now I get to take biochemistry over the summer, be a lab assistant, and study for the August MCAT.

Good times. I have actually already begun studying for the MCAT. Today I went and bought a crap ton of note cards as that seems to be the best way for me to get all the body systems memorized... We shall see how it goes. I have given myself one week to complete the biology review section.

I am going to Baltimore on Thursday to visit my grandparents. Yeup, going home! I love staying at my dad's parents house... very comforting. It's the only place that has NOT changed my entire life. They still live in the same house, and I still sleep on the same couch every time I go... it is such a blessing to have them still here on this earth... I know they are getting old and pretty much are ready to go anytime... but I will miss them :(

Which is why I make the time and just go veg-out at their house for a few days... litterally... I won't leave their house! HAha...

Oh well... not much else to report.

Good to be sober today... one day at a time. I am going to the Bayshore meeting tonight...

Peace

Jonathan

One week left

One week of school left and the year is over. I will have completed all of the prereqs for med-school with straight A's.

I am doing pretty good. The one thing I would say is that I have been distracted by real life issues, which sometimes can hamper my ability to study. I just wanna get through this week and next so I can relax for a few days before I start studying for the MCAT. Ah... haha, seriously, maybe a little relaxing... but most likely will start studying immediately!

Jonathan

Eh

Tired this evening... jut need some sleep. HALT... Hungry - nope! Angry - Nope! Lonely - Yeaaaaaa - Nope! Tired - Definetily!

Hmm... nothing new to report... school is school. Life is good today. Need a new room-mate... I have a girl moving in from school in the summer, she needed a place to stay and is super cool. No... nothing like that, if that is what you are thinking!

Jenn should be moving out soon... but am unsure when. I gotta tell her about that... plus the damn HOA enacted some BS rules on parking and I need to get some info asap to the property management company...

So yea.. not complaining... just stuff that needs to happen...

Jonathan

lol

Loving my post from two posts down about the lady friend. Yes, it is still unfolding... I have laid back, and have let her go pretty much. I find it interesting how much attention girls want even when they are NOT interested in a romantic relationship...

It's like... come on, seriously... I am not 18 and I am not interested in games or attention seekers...

So, everything else is good... Lost is on tonight, my sister is in town, and I am absolutely slammmmed with homework... which I will now get back too before I have a mental breakdown.

:)

It is awesome to be sober today! Awesome I tell ya!

Jonathan

PS: WTF, my sponsor won't call me back. (not normal for him)

HALT!

HALT!

Hungry... no
Angry... no
Lonely... maybe a little
Tire... F@!# Yea!

Lol, I need to sleep...

So I am gonna do just that...

Peace out!

Jonathan

What what!?

I am a LOST HERO onboard BATTLESTAR GALACTICA! Lol, ok... just kidding. I love those shows though. I am dissapointed that BSG is over now... they found earth, but the ending to the series seemed kinda off... almost like it was not that great of an ending. I was hoping for better anywhooo.

So. Not much new with me really. I am really getting into school lately. I am way more active on campus than I have ever been in the past. Today I joined one society based on my major... pretty cool actually. We are going to the local Medical School for a visit here on the 10th of April... so that should be cool.

Relationship wise, no complaints today. I really have very little drama to complain about. Oh wait, nope... found one. My mom. My brother called today and said he thinks that she is an alcoholic like me.... and for him to say that is pretty big. Appearently she swore off the booze about a week ago, claiming to be a whole 3 days sober and a new person. I mentioned AA, she kindly declined... said she could do it herself. My brother took his daughter over to see her for lunch the next day... my mom says to the waiter "Do you have any decaf, unsweet, green tea??" Waiter says "no, we have some ice tea though..." My mom says "In that case, how about a glass of wine?" 3 glasses later... you get the picture.

So... I am not really all that affected by this, but it is annoying, and a source for fear and anxiety to crop up.... but not much, I immediately ask for these fears to be removed and pray about it. It seems to work for me... imagine that. It works if you work it!

Peace out

Jonathan

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two great friends during revolutionary times, had a slight falling during Adams term as President... Adams and Jefferson did not speak but once while Adams was President and Jefferson was Vice President. They did rekindle their friendship later in life, and got passed old agrievences.

The last thing Jefferson's hand wrote to John Adams, rather how he closes his letter to Adams:

Oct. 12 1983

"Beseeching you then not to suffer your mind to be disquieted by this wicked attempt to poison it's peace, and praying you to throw it by, among the things which have never happened, I add sincere assurances of my unabated, and constant attachment, friendship and respect."

Awesome qoute...! Man those guys could really write!

Jonathan

What it means to be a friend

It means not to be deceitful, it means to not ignore them, it means to just show up once in a while. It means to not be hateful... it does not mean to completely disappear. It means to be sincere and to not be selfish. It means not to reject them. That is what it means to me...

When people act negatively in this regard, I usually take it in passing.. but when a friend suddenly acts differently... and treats you as if you are some other Joe... that hurts. That hurts my feelings. It makes me feel rejected. It hurts. Let me say it again, and let me emphasize the word "HURTS". That indicates pain, real emotional pain. It hurts... It hurts my very sole, or ego, whatever... friends don't suddenly act different towards their friends. If you do, and you don't tell them why, then you are hurting them! It is emotional pain... it hurts... It really does.... as occured in the past recently when I figured out after a while.. (I am dense) that I was being treated less then ideally.

So I looked at that, and decided to get over it. What do you do to get over it? The rejection of me by someone else is by no means an assult on my perona or person. It is merely that person making the decision that they no longer want to be in my life in that capacity. At first, that's not what it feels like! Naturally it has taken some time, but I feel like I am getting over the loss. That is what it is to me... a loss. I didn't make the choice, it was made for me and the actions made were clear indicators.

As I was saying. The rejection of me does not diminish me. I am still me! Some people do like me for me and do not have ANY expectations outside of me staying sober and present...

Random post tonight

Yall can figure it out, had to get it off my chest.

Jonathan

Beach Day!

It's a beach day today! I got up early and am ready to roll! My good friend from school, Megan, and I are going. None of those weird feelings between us either... she is cool, has a bf who is cool, and pretty much is one of the first normal people I have met in the bay area outside of AA.

Its nice to have some normy friends... I've noticed that they tend to NOT dissappear like 90% of the AAs. I figure if people in the program are gonna relapse or stop hanging out, I need to have friends I can count on.

Good to be sober today ya?!

Yippee!

Jonathan

Leaving Indiana

Headed home today.

I feel like the trip was a success. Really have no complaints about it. It was however taxing to hang out with one of my friends. He seems to not have changed much from high school and there was a bit of just pure boredom in the air when we were together. It totally brought me back man... that was just how I remember it! lol... Oh lordy, why we hang with those we do I do not know.

I really had fun at Luke's place and with Nick. I also thought it was pretty fabulous seeing the old haunts and places I use to see day after day for 10 years. I miss home. I wish my parents had laid down some damn roots and stayed. But that wasn't meant to be I guess. I think after seeing home again it makes me feel that leaving home was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. My manerisms and personality would not have grown and changed as they have over the past 5 years if I had returned to Indiana. Just sitting with Nick last night, and watching him throw in a big fat chew made me feel that old desire to fit in and be one of the guys. I told him that. And kinda speculated at that time how I would have turned out. I thought if I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to stay sober or quit tabaco. Not with buddies that still drank and smoked and dipped all the time. Nick and I had a laugh about it.

He asked if I wanted one and I kindly decined. :)

The C-Family are certainly the most awesome family in Carmel. I can't say how much they make me feel at home. It was almost like it is my home. I stayed there often growing up and it seems to me to be the only place where I can go and everything is still the same.

Just killing time at the moment, chilling in the Indianapolis Airport.

Barry is picking my ass up today in the afternoon. I am eternally grateful for him and the other friends I now return to.

Feeling grateful for:

Scifi
Books
The moon
The Future

Today was a grande day in Broadripple

I think I spelled that correctly... any whoo. I met Nick's fiance tonight. Nick invited me to Bdubbs or better known as buffalo wild wings in broadripple. We sat at the bar for about 2 hours and just had an awesome time. Nick drank his beers and I drank my diet coke. His fiance was absolutely wonderful behind the bar. Very cool girl.

Nick and I just talked and talked about the good ol' days. He went to school with me for a few years, and pledged the same fraternity as I did... I totally forget sometimes all of the stuff that happened. With him there tonight, I was able to remember some more of the good times I totally seem to forget about! I was like... "wholly shit!" I totally forgot about that night! Or the relationships we had between different guys and the whole group of guys we pledged with. Man, the flood gates were open tonight and the memories just poured out. I can't believe how I forget how much Nick was apart of my youth and into my early 20s... I mean, he was there for some MAJOR memories.

Awesome... just so incredibly awesome. Not only were we bonding over the old stuff, but we were talking away about the new stuff. He asked if I had a sponsor in the program. I said yes but didn't go to far into the AA stuff. Not my place to even go there... but what is really cool, is that I am an example to him and my other friends if they ever decide they have a problem. I know one or two may have an issue, but that is not my call.

I also think I learned this week how everything is still here. Most of the people that are here, probably aren't moving any time soon. I REALLY enjoyed staying at Lynda's house. Her son is flying out here in July, so I plan on returning during the intermission of the summer sessions. I just can't get over how much fun I had hanging with the guys and being sober while doing it. It was like I was finally myself, comfortable in my own skin. My friends are super awesome people... just awesome to get in some face time with the folks that know me from way back when we were little!

That is allllll I have for now! I am flying out in the afternoon at the new Indianapolis Airport!

Peace out...

Jonathan

Creativity

I don't think I am very creative... I can never think of anything really interesting to say on here beside just reporting what is going on with me for the day.

Hmmm..

I miss Tampa... look forward to being home. I am happy to be sober today. I feel good that I have never ditched any of my friends for a girl yet, that I stuck around the rooms regardless of how busy I was or who I was dating. I am glad I do not get pre-occupied with other people and remain focused on staying sober.

I had a few friends that have occasionally dropped off the face of the planet. Looking at these folks it is interesting... a couple guy friends and girl friends both. It really brings to mind some dangerous behaviors which seem to always take folks out. Either that or they are just a mess emotionally. I have this one friend that always calls me... and it is so sad... but they are like always talking about "poor me" "screw her" or "I hate so and so"... I am like... dude, grow up. I don't appreciate you trash talking anyone. Even if I don't particularly like someone, I don't ever say the words "I hate so-and-so." Hatred is one of those character defects I think... and totally says more about you then the person it is directed at!

So smile... :)

Basically, bottom line... they alienate themselves... and I don't it often, but they aren't growing spiritually... they are going BACKWARD! So I talk to them less. Poor guy won't learn, but he seems to take all the advice from the rooms and disgard it and do it HIS way. Not cool... I don't appreciate friends that act like junior high schoolers... One of my friends tells me people will slowly disappear from the rooms as we get more years in sobriety... people you get sober with slowly go away.

You know, I don't ask for much. To be my frend, all you really need to do is occassionally call me, ocassionally hang out with me, and don't be a selfish dick or dueche bag. Not calling and not going to meetings, and then suddenly showing back up... ONCE, is ok. I will give you chance... sometimes more than one. Do it multiple times? That makes you a dueche bag and a dick, and slowly but surely I learn that you won't change. I think I have two guy friends currently working on dueche bag status.

Stick with the winners..

Jonathan

Holy crap I am tired

So tired tonight. I was at the pub with Chad and told him I was really feeling up for the poker-smoke filled local pub. I promptly left and went on back to miss's C's house. Eric and I hung out and watched Entourage instead! He is Luke's little brother... otherwise known as... Peanut. Yea, that is because back in the day he was usually the smallest kid on the hockey team. But... he was awesome too. So yea, we hung out and I get to sleep at Lynda's again tonight, in a nice warm bed. In the morning it will probably be death by mass quantities of food... but I am prepared for that.

Tomorrow night I meet Nick's fiance and him for dinner and then it is back home on Wednesday.

Like it says up above... I am freaking tired and need to get up early to do some studying!

Peace out...

Jonathan

Amazing!

How cool is it to have your computer with you when you are on these trips? Awesome cool... that's what.

I find I have time to kill every so often, with nothing to do, and I then find myself at panerra or starbucks leaching off the internet.

Megan has 3 kids! Tracy is still married and just became a cop! Haha, now that is random! I was like "Really?!".. . "Really?" "No way... Tracy?" lol... seriously. Tracy does not look like a cop... totally small body frame. We really had a good lunch and some good reminiscing. I talked to them alot about what it was like for them to stay in Indiana. It seems like they were all about how they are "over" Carmel... and would love to live somewhere else. I think that seems to be the case where ever you go... you know? The grass is greener over there! It seems lots of people from highschool never got through college, and mostly ended up back on the north side of Indianapolis. So I guess I am doing alright for myself... working on a second bachelors degree and then an MD/PhD... heck yea man. Way to go.

I am so glad I have good friends down in Tampa now, guys I can call at a drop of the hat and say hey! Lets hang out!

Linda and I were talking about how some people are totally connected to there parents in an unhealthy manner... like having the parents lingering over the kid's every move. I am so glad that I had the nerve to leave my step-dad's company and cut that damn chord. I use to feel so depressed working for them... living their life and not my own. It feels great to be happy living my life without my parents telling me what to do.

Anywhooo, just bored at the moment. I am sure I could probably go say hey to Linda or maybe just drive around... but for now I am going to surf the web and maybe do some studying.

Peace

Jonathan

Carmel

I miss my house...



Pretty cool though how Google had a better pic than I could take with my cell phone!

Today I am going to see two old acquantences... Two girls I haven't seen in probably 10 years. We are doing lunch. Not sure how I feel about it, but these two girls were the original original crew from like... 9th grade. I hung out with them that year and had a crush on one of them. I think it was my first ever crush. Wait a sec... probably had a crush on both. But any way, they are girls, still friends after all these years, just like Chad and I. Chad is headed to Muncie today, so I am gonna go over and meet them for lunch. Megan said... "just like old times". Haha, not quite. Megan has 2 kids... and Tracy is married. But, it will be like old times in that it's just us three. I have fond memories of those days in ninth grade. Megan was the first girl I got the nerve up to talk to. She was also the first girl I never asked out when I should have. You know, that first chick you were just too scared to get rejected from, so you just avoided the rejection and stayed friends?

Awesome... awesome life lessons.

One thing I always wondered... would I have married someone from highschool if I had stayed? All my friends from here seem to hook up with someone we graduated with... and its random too, people in different groups of friends totally married. I think knowing so many people from highschool, you'd run into them more and randomily have more chances to date due to the ice-breaker "Hey! I went to high school with you! Remember that time when...".

Just saying... Although, I think moving away has its benefits too. I think you get much more growth living away... you are challenged to make new friends and meet new people. I think... we will never know will we, which is better and which is worse. You'd have to go back and live it all over... which we can't do can we?

I had a few cool ideas for a website today. Was thinking of possibly making some sort of help website for chemistry. I had trouble finding anything online for my class, so I though... why not make one myself and help others!

I am still super stoked to get home. I am really enjoying Indiana though. Last night it was poker till midnight at a local pub and then a movie back at Chad's till three in the morning. Just like old times except I am sober! It is interesting... and I find bars completely boring. The poker made it more fun than it would have been. Chad has not changed one bit... especially with the fact that he stays up till 4:00am and smokes cigerettes in his house.

Him and his girl freaking smoked cigs in the room I was sleeping in with the door shut.... I was like... what are you all doing in there. Then I realized they were smoking in there so the rest of the apt didnt smell. They were like "oh, sorry, didn't realize this is where your sleeping". Yea... thanks guys! Haha, its cool. I expect no less from Chad. Just like old times... smoking cigs and keeping my ass awake way to late.

Not sure what we are doing tonight... just trying to stay in the moment and out of my head so I can enjoy these moments while being there for him. (his dad just died)


Welp... thats all for now...

Peace out

Jonathan

Carmel Indiana

Up in Carmel for the weekend... till Wednesday. Nothing else new with me. Spring break is this week. School is great. The more I talk to people about school I feel like a PhD could be in my future instead of the MD. I think I will apply to Medical School regardless... but am really stoked about my back up plan.

I am excited to see some old friends over the next few days. I am staying at Luke's parents place for now.. may stay at Chad's tonight. Should be cool. I saw Nick and his Dad yesterday...

I am also naturally stoked to get home. I think a day or two at the beach is in order. My friend Megan wants to hit the beach when I get back. We may invite some other folks from school...

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

Days gone by...

Well well. Another weekend has arrived. I believe I shall go to the meeting tonight as I usually do. This school week has been crazy busy, as will next weeks. But the week after that... I am headed north to Indiana. That should be a good for me. The last time I was there, I was still drinking. I look forward to setting a good example of how one can remain sober and have a good time too! I wonder if my friends will notice the difference?

Ah well... The death in the circle will be sad, but hopefully they will find some comfort in my effort to be there.

No grand revelations today. No ruminations, thoughts or ideas. I am naturally still in a good place mentally... as is usually the case. I feel content...

Jonathan

Today I am grateful

A loss...

Many years have passed, but all those memories of days gone by persist in the back of my mind, as if they are images seen through a fine haze. I smile when I think of them... I spent many days and nights at your house. You were as much as a father to me as you were to your own son. In those days of loss of direction, exploration, and youth, I sought refuge day after day. Your house became a second home for me, a place to escape from life's worries, a place where the parents seemed to genuinly care about me, and would level with me, instead of the oh so typical level above... where most parents stay.

Skipping school today? No problem, take a nap on the couch Jonathan. Do you need a blanket? No hockey this morning? How about a round of gulf? I think, the image of countless cigarettes, poker and coca-cola will forever be ingrained in my mind. Let us not forget the good times... all those days and nights. I looked forward to those early morning crossword puzzle sessions at Burger King, drinking coffee and smoking a cigerette... school? Screw that, I will go after lunch. You didn't ask questions...

Chad, Jack, and Jonathan... that was the original crew back then... We were all from seperate families, but were like brothers because of you and the hospitality you provided.

I am sorry I left Indiana. I had to leave for school, and one road lead to a fork which lead to another road... which lead me to where I am today. Where I go from here... we shall see. But knowing how way leads on to way... who knows.

I do miss you. I regret not being able to see you again. The last time I saw you was about 2 years ago. Shortly after your first heart attack and surgery. Like a true American hard-ass, you were smoking a marborol red, just weeks after your near death experience.

I will try my best to live a good life, and to enjoy life as you did, and perhaps one day to do it in style. You were a true man's man. A womenizer, a cigerette smoking, golf playing, american dad.

I won't be there for your funeral this weekend, but will fly up the next week to visit with your wife and son. You will be missed.

Jonathan

Feeling...

Very tired today. I have been extremely busy with school and feel the pressure pushing down! Actually, it's not that bad... but the last two weeks have been all work and no play for me. Adding on top of that baby sitting my brother's child on Saturday shot my favorite night of the week in AA in the foot. So that sucked, but I did enjoy playing with little lil.

I feel like there is nothing more to say.

My sponsor told me I should go to sleep. HALT! HAha, hungry angry lonely tired. TIRED!

My body aches... 2 weeks straight of pure adrenalin working on school, going to meetings, and being fairly social!

I am going to sleep!

Jonathan

I see a little silhouetto of a man

Well, the cat is ok. She did not break her leg! Yeah, good times..

Went to my AA meeting tonight and really enjoyed listening to the speakers. I like identifying with em... you know, it's like you get in the zone and just zoom in on em, and think of your self in their shoes... awesome man... awesome.

Got to see my friend Jeff G. up at barnes and nobles.... been studying there alot lately. Ran into him around 10:30pm... cool, we chatted for a bit and then I took off to come home.

I am doing my brother a big solid this weekend, helping him out. I look forward to that... I have to set aside "my time" and give myself over to him for a few hours... my sponsor says this is a good thing. I tend to agree.

Got a physics exam tomorrow... pretty sure I will get another 100%. I look forward to a productive and fun weekend. I plan on studying ALOT saturday morning and Sunday. Feel like I am playin catch up in O-Chem II... oh wait... I always feel that way with that class! Haha! But I like it, so its all good.

No complaints today as usual... what is up with that? Oh wait... thats a damn good thing! F-ing good man.

I am tired...

But you know what? I promised myself that I'd read the bigbook regardless, every night, and journal... so that is what I am gonna go do. Right now.

Peace out... good too be free from drugs and/or alcohol today!

Jonathan

I am grateful and thankful for:

Being alive
My cats
My mom
My brother
My dad
The rest of em...
My friends
My sponsor, bless his heart
School people/friends... wow, awesome!
AA
Being sober today, one day at a time
Being serene...

Kitty Cat

Well, I am flattered!

So, what is new with me? Not too much. My damn cat jumped on the refrigerator and promptly did a half nelson to the floor. I heard her jump up there knocking everything off, then I stood up to see what all the commotion was about, and she just dived off.

Guys, seriously... this is what she did to break her damn leg before, and it just happened again. So... now I am feverishly looking at her, seeing if she starts to limp. Kinda worried, kinda pissed. I mean, we blocked that area off, and she still got up! I need to like... put a freaking wall up there, cause I just don't have the energy to take care of another broken f-ing leg. Excuse my french. She is licking herself atm... cats can take a while to show pain. We shall see. I will try to get some sleep and not worrry so much about it.

Today I finally got all my lab work done. Forgot to mention that on Tuesdays I work with one of my professors doing polypeptide synthesis... it has been uber fun. Got to mix some funky stuff up and play the part of a mad scientist! Tonight I watched LOST!!! Ahh! I am sooo freaking lost with that show!

My cat is now sleeping... perhaps a good sign...

Jonathan

Wow!

Where does all the time go?! :)

I am struggling to fit in EVERYTHING that needs to happen in one day! Studying mostly... but on top of that, AA meetings, friends, family, opening mail, washing clothes, dishes, taking care of a dog and two cats, working out daily, being awesomely cool, striking a pose, and of course saving the world. Ok, just threw in that last one... for shits and giggles. Hehe, funny guy.

Well, actually I am not really struggling much at all... maybe struggling to think of something worthy to type about! Hmmm, well I made a promise to read the big book and write in my journal DAILY. That was a resolution I made and have stuck to it! Awesome! Ah, I also made one to get up earlier each day... that one is 50/50 at this point. I am not good at waking earlier than usual. Hmm... oh well.

Busy busy busy, a little bit of this a little bit of that, a little bit of life. Loving it and living it! :)

Enjoy the light of the day! Or night, since its kinda like midnight atm... Hmmm, random. Okie doke. Thanks Dave for being a constant "commenter" on my blog since I started out three years ago! You are a true blogger friend!

Jonathan

305 Posts!

Wow... lots of posting going on!

Today I will keep it short as I need to get back to studying!

Today I am grateful for:

My family
My Sister-in-Law
My brother
My mom
My sister
My dad
The rest of em...
My roomy
Her dog
My cats
My stuff
My health
and...

Being completly drug/alcohol free! Hurray!

Mmmmm... I like Chicken and eggs with ketchup and ranch dressing.... yum-ee!

Well well..

Today is my birthday! Hurray! I get to study... alot, on my birthday! But, I will make time for a meeting and some fellowshiping with friends!

Awesome!

Jonathan

LoL

Haha, loved that last post of mine... Just read it again and it made realize HOW MUCH that show rocks!!!! Argh!

Hehe...

Ok, chill-ax Jonathan... take a deep breath.

Ok. I need to tell you guys something super important about me. So LISTEN UP! This is something I have really been meaning to get off my chest lately, and I don't want to tell any of my friends cause it is kinda personal.

I just wanted to tell you that I am happy!

Yeup. That's it, that is the big secret. Not just today. Not just now. I am happy most of the time. Its like a content, calm, serenity. I smile and enjoy my alone time. I also smile when I am with others. This is genuine... and I just wanted to let you guys know that. Let the WORLD know! Well... not the whole world, just Dave and the other fellow bloggers who may or may not actually read my post!

Well, now that the secret is out, I should mention that occasionaly clouds can gather, and the mood temporarily dips into a shadow. Those are fewer and fewer and farther and farther between. I should mention that everything is temporary, and everything that once was and is will pass on. In accepting that everything changes, accepting life on life terms, we can find happiness!

Jonathan

BSG Battlestar Galactica!

OMG OMG OMG~!

I love that damn show! THE BEST show ever on tv. The absolute best. No joke, best ever... If you have not watched it, get your ass to the computer and watch the first couple episodes... I just watched the latest episode... man! I am just sooo freaking stoked with the story line. Character development, freaking drama, death, life, mystery, and espionage!! Argh! I can't stand it! It soooo awesome!

LOL

Just excited about it...

Today I am having a super bowl gathering at my house, could be upwards of 15 to 20 people. Nice for a last minute gig eh? Before, when I was drinking, I had no friends. Even after just stopping drinking, like in the first six months, I was fairly isolated. Today I am a social butterfly and I freaking love it.

Happy to be sober one more day at a time... every day.

Enjoy the light of the day.

Jonathan

Super Bowl

The super bowl is this weekend!!!! I am excited! I think I am having people over on Sunday!

Jonathan

Is happy...

I don't have a drug induced serenity this morning!

Will post something on Step 2 tonight!

Or fly to the moon in a scifi adventure.

Jonathan

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageble.

For me, I understood that I was powerless over alcohol. It had a grip over me like nothing else. It was an obsession of the mind. Clearly, the first part of step one was obvious to me on some small level, even if I was in denial.

It was the second part of the first step that I found diffulcult to accept, and to this day have to be wary of thinking my life is somehow manageable by me on my own. When I first got sober, I thought maybe self medicating would help. Specifically, I turned to tabacco products and had a doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety/anti-depressents. This was me saying to the world "My life is manageble, see look at me manage! I know what is best for me!". But low and behold... I know not. I am an alcoholic. I look back on it, and realize that me trying to handle things, me looking to doctors to cure my anxiety, looking to tabaco to ease my nerves, looking to nyquil to help me sleep... all these things were huge glaring signs of my life being unmanageble.

People sometimes can't sleep. People get anxious. People have nerves. We have feelings. No drug can fix that. No alcoholic bevarage will change it. I needed to accept this. I had to be completely ready to live with myself as I am and completely accepting of who I was to get by this step. I needed a sponsor to point me in the right direction. Stop looking for the solution and accept that a spiritual life is the answer.

So I got one. I got a sponsor I hate to take direction from. I can't stand calling him. I still can't stand calling him. You know why? He calls me out on my shit... ALL the time. 3 years later and he still finds all the little things I miss. I miss shit because I am an alcoholic. I stick with my sponsor because he takes me through the steps and advises me on spiritual matters. He is sober, and I respect him for who he is. Very geniune.

Anyhow, I am off on a tangent I guess... but, point is that I am powerless and my life is generally unmanageble if I am trying to run the show. I know this. I know it still can be unmanageble. I know I need help. Nothing has changed. I still go to the same number of meetings weekly. I still have the same sponsor. I call him. I call others. Stick with the winners. Try to help someone.

Peace

Jonathan

Tacos...

Random.

So I was just thinking about what in the world to write about. Hmm.. How about what is going on with me. I like school, alot. Enough in fact, to think perhaps I should go for a PhD instead of MD, or both. Any how, it is on my mind. Not stressing over it, just an idea which may or may not unfold.

Yea... at a lost for things to write. I am sorry. No drama in my life. Shit.. even crazy thinking is not present. Well. I am off to class. There are some things bugging me when it comes to other people's behavior. I need alanon for that. Anywhoo... life is good. There are no drugs giving me false serenity today!

Jonathan

Good evening!

Two Years and almost 5 months sober! Hurray!

Today I am grateful, thankful, and my mind is at ease. Such is my daily routine... free of worry and remorse. Free from stinky thinking and obsessions of the mind and body. I don't need any drugs today to calm my nerves or get me through the day. I am ok just the way I am. Not even tobacco has a hold on me anymore. Life is good. We live, we die. Life goes on. Try to stop and smell the flowers sometime... I just ran 3 miles... randomly in the middle of the night. It was awesome. I am grateful I can get my ass off the couch daily to exercise.

Jonathan

Random post tonight...


Executive Mansion,
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864.

Dear Madam,--

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.

I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,

A. Lincoln

Fudge it...

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

Leatherhead, Surrey England

I am in England at the moment! Not sure I have much time to type much but I shall try! Lets see here.,.

My mom left yesterday. The whole time she was here, every night, she drank at least 4 if not more glasses of wine. I am sure she is one of us, but naturally it is for her to decide and not me. I had fun regardless. It was annoying to see her personality go from nerotic in the day time to happy go lucky in the evening. At one point she was convinced that I was going to make millions doing the rubiks cube with my feet.

Anywhoo... like a good alchi, she left early on Wednesday to "take care of stuff" back home. Which basically means she was uncomfortable being away from home. I know that feeling. Today however, I can enjoy being in the moment and being in new settings like you wouldn't believe. I am happy regardless it seems... from Honduras, to Belize, to Tampa, and then to London. It all is the same... All new places but the same person experiencing it all.

I think I appreciate home the more time I spend away from it. I love it here. The family I am staying with is beyond sincere and in to the realm of saints. I feel nothing but graciousness for their hospitality. They have treated me like I am a cousin coming home for a visit. Very cool. Every night I have enjoyed. Furthermore, the whole family is really enjoying my company. I thought it would just be Bill and I having the fun, but no... his son and wife both really seem to be enjoying my stay. Its gotten to the point now where his son wants to stay up late, play on the ps3, get on facebook, or go out with us out on the town... past his bed time, to hangout with the silly american.

Anywhooo, I saw my friend Kristine,, from Indiana... she is great. Actually knew more about London than Bill did. She played the part of tour guide. Today I am off to see Mimi in London... she is cool, and I look forward to spending another day in the City... experiencing it on my own and with a friend. It seems life is all about our social relationships and being apart of rather than apart from. I see that more and more as I go from place to place and meet new people, at home and abroad.

School starts in a few days. I look forward to it. I was thinking of delaying taking the mcat for two months so I don't self destruct this semester... The more I think about it, the better the idea sounds.... The path to Medical School is there, just need to take it at a good pace so I don't over do it. Take it easy so I can experience life instead of obsess over success. Anyway... I think that is a good idea... relax a bit. Well... relax is a relative word... school is ALOT of work... 80 hours a week atleast. Adding the MCAT on top of that is nearly impossible...

It is a beautiful cloudy, windy, slightly wet day here in England! I believe it is almost time to go to the train station, so I am off!

Life aint too bad today. I still have no complaints. I have met many good people here, and plan to return soon!

Today I am grateful and thankful

Jonathan

What What!

I need to pack!

I have 2 and a half hours until my friend Barry is picking my ass up and taking me to the airport! At which point, I will board a boeing 777 plane headed for London, Gatwick International Airport! Uber!

I have never been to England and it has always been on my list of "I gotta go there" places! My mom is going, so she will help take the entertaining pressure off of me. She tends to be a spotlight hog... so no worries there. We are staying in Surrey, South of London, in the country-side! Appearently on Saturday, I am going hunting with Bill. He asked if I had mole-skin trousers... not sure if he was serious or what... Also twead hats... hmm, no I don't have any. But I will bring my american ass over and see if we can't experience the English culture.

I can't wait... I am nervous, but I think the good times will out weigh any crazy thinking on my part. I have two friends who live in Europe, both of which will be in London this weekend. Mimi, and Kristine... I am gonna bug Mimi to come hang out for sure. She will be there all week, so maybe she's up for showing me around... we shallll see!

Yesterday I watched 3 movies! I know, crazy... but it was a lot of fun, and am happy to be experiencing life. School starts in about two weeks... I am kinda stoked for that too. Busy busy busy! I need to pack... seriously, 2 hours and twenty minutes now... hmmm.

Peace out

Jonathan

Comments

I appreciate your comments Dave, you are a true blogger friend! I have a few people in the Tampa Bay area who read my blog as well, but most of them don't ever leave any comments, and I have no idea who they are except for maybe a general location from where they came from. I love looking at the map to see where people are from who check out my site! Sometimes I wonder who these Tampa folks are and if they know me.

Anywhoo, my mom wants to go with me to London, I am unsure about it though... I actually think she would help make the trip better since she drinks and the folks I am visiting drink as well. That takes the spotlight off of my not drinking! If I recall correctly, on the cruise to Turkey she and these folks got along quite well. Anyway, I am looking for a ticket for her online at the moment and waiting to hear back from the folks in London to make sure they are ok with an additional guest.

I am leaving tomorrow... yippee! I have dreamt of going to London before, and never actually done it or anything remotely like it. Staying in the English country-side... in the dead of winter no less! I appearently am going hunting on Saturday?! Haha, yea, this is gonna rock. The guy I am visiting is really something else...

Not much else to report at the moment. I am at Panerra and need to get going back on home to do some laundry.

Jonathan

2 days until London!

So last night instead of seeing a movie I found myself loitering around Borders bookstore. I saw a fellow AA and chatting for a bit. Then I started talking/flirting with the baristas as is usually the case since I tend to go up there allll the time to study.

Around this time, a girl came up to the counter dressed in Hooters sweat pants and tatoos all over, and asked if a lot of people study up here. I said yes... "all the cool people", meaning me of course! She laughed and said she was studying too because she is a Doctor! Haha, I was like really? The Hooters pants and barbie doll looks had me fooled. I guess looks can be decieving. And shame on me for judging. We ended up talking quite a bit and she insisted we study together in the future. I look forward to having a new study buddy. Plus... what an awesome resource. I think she has lots of Medical School hookups, and is really trying to genuinly help me out. Very positive person... wow. Crazy how people are put in my path huh?

So today, I really want to go see a movie. I think regardless of what happens to day. I will be going to the movies at some point! There is one I really want to see, and since it may not be in the theatre for long I have to go see it this week!

I also ran into another AA person who disappeared from the meetings, she was at the Bayshore group last night. I was glad she is back. I am not sure if she was "out" or what, but it's nice to see familiar people coming back in.

I officially can solve the 7x7x7 rubiks cube and 6x6x6, 5x5x5, 4x4x4, and 3x3x3! Yea me. I solved the 7x7x7 last night after a good hour. Random...

Anywhooo, today I am thankful and grateful

Jonathan

Back from the cruise and read for London

I just got back from the cruise yesterday, and am starting to get back into the usual routine. It is interesting, I think, to go away for a week and come back, leave again... come back again. It kinda puts everything into perspective.

I have gone on three trips so far this winter break, and each is like a little adventure. I come home and appreciate things a little more.

On the cruise, we went down to Grand Caymen, Cozumel, Belize, and Honduras. It was freaking hot down there... I got plenty of sun to get me through the trip to London though. My experience on the cruise ship was a good one. Those ships can get boring after the 4th day if you start missing home. I kinda stayed out of my mind, so I did not suffer to bad from home-sickness. I stayed in the moment and experienced new things.

I went dancing with the family almost every night. I did so well in-fact that I managed to make a few new "facebook" friends who are excited to see some pictures and video of themselves. On new years eve we danced the night away on the Lito deck under the stars until 2 in the morning. The ball dropped and everyone was wasted except for a select few. Even the crew was allowed on deck (I think) and were partying it up with the guests. The shows were great in the evening. Every night I was sure to watch the productions with a new appreciation for this thing called life. The last big cruise ship we went on, I was drunk and pretty much stayed drunk the whole cruise. This time was different... it was real and will be remembered.

We had the whole family on board, so there were a ton of typical family memories and moments. I laid out almost every day and went through an entire bottle of sun tan lotion. In Honduras I gave a local tour guide a twenty dollar tip, the abject poverty in that Country is just crazy... worse I think than Mexico. In Belize we went snorkling... it was fun. I swam with the fishes and then on the boat ride back talked with a man who recently lost his wife to cancer. He was traveling with his daughter and they were basically starting out the new year remembering their loved one.

I met two girls from Baltimore, who were accountants. I met a family from Chicago with a son who was dubbed "Barby Girl" from his performance on stage the first night! I also attended an AA meeting and met a british woman who lived in the Yukon territory. Her husband and her said that they live an hour from Yellowknife and that AA meetings up there are few and far between. Regardless, they are still sober, and once again it is shown that you can get sober anywhere!

Well, today I am studying and working out. Yesterday I got off the boat and had dinner over at my house. Not much time to relax before the next trip, but I shall try. I think tonight I will go to the Monday night meeting over on Bayshore... then maybe a movie up at the Veterans... There are a few I need to watch!

Thats it for now, today I am grateful

Jonathan