Day number 86!

Day number 86!!!

I am sober today! And back from California! I had a great time! I saw my step-sister and her beautiful kids, all 5 of them! I saw my Step-mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my step-aunt, step-cousin, and step-grand mother!

Lots of people, mostly saw them all on Thanksgiving and on Friday! I don't believe I have ever gone out there and stayed sober before! I use to drink all of their wine, and/or bought myself a fifth of whiskey to tide me over for my stay. Not this time! I woke up early, and with a clear head, I enjoyed my family, which is a first, and I played with the kids, which surprised even myself!

I found myself looking forward to playing with those kids then I did anything else! My neices and nephew are 16, 13, 7,7, and 6 years old. So, as you can imagine, a lot of fun! The two older ones are all grown up, which is cool, seeing them grow, the younger ones were just hilarious and too much fun. I have tons of pictures and video, so all is good. I think I pretty much documented the entire day with them!

I am so thankful I was able to enjoy my family this past weekend, sober. If I was not sober, I would have been one unhappy camper. Thank you so much!

I am even grateful to experience jet lag on the trip home, and not drink over it. As I sufferred through the headache last night and shear blahness from the 12 hour travel day, I realized that that too shall pass! And it did, well, almost. I still feel kinda blah, but naturally, that too shall pass!

I can't believe how much I enjoyed my family, I really am soooo blessed to have all of them in my life, even though they live 3,000 miles away!

Day number 81!

I have been pretty darn good lately.

Today, my older brother and I will get on a plane headed towards California! I love traveling! It is a great time to catch up on all the reading I have been missing out on! I should probably bring atleast two books and two magazines, otherwise I will end up buying a book at the airport! Agh! And we don't want to do that, inflated prices and all...

Being with my Dad's side of the family is usually pretty safe as far as drinking goes, not too much insanity in that side of the family. Regardless of that, I would like to try to hit atleast one Cali meeting.

One thing I am wondering about... I told my dad last year that I was going to AA meetings, I don't think I ever told him I am an alcoholic, or even mentioned that I had a problem. My dad probably has no clue, and neither does my step mom as to me ever having a problem. I was always successful enough in business that they really probably didn't percieve anything to be wrong. When around them, I just didn't drink usually...
That being said. Should I tell them? If so, how? I don't want them to worry about me, or think they have to act any different around me. Anywhooo, I will be sure to ask my sponsor and other AA friends about this.

Peace!

Day number 80!

Day number 80!

Yesterday, I must say, I had a pretty darn good day. I went home after work, made some food and watched the boob tube. I started feeling slightly off, and almost felt like just going to sleep.

Instead, I went to a meeting, which had been moved to another church do to fumigating, or something to that effect.

Then I went to the starbucks, after the meeting and hung out with some other AAs. I had not called anyone to meet me up there, but felt like I needed to stay out of my house, and around people. So when I showed up at the "buck", low and behold.. .there was Mark, chilling outside. He doesn't even live over here, so that was def my HP working for me. After a while, Jeff showed up, and then Megan, and then Jen, and then Theo! My god! All of these people! My night was truly blessed. That is pretty much my post for the day!

I must say, Megan was looking quite fine. Although I know I am only sober 80 days, I can't help but think about the possibility.... I could tell she was into me, but that naturally changed when she heard I only had 80 days. Just a small change in her demeanor, a small change in her body language. Very interesting, but not unexpected.

Not that I should be dating anyone anywhooo, you all know how that goes. I couldn't help but just feel really good about myself last night, socializing and hanging out. Girls interested in me and all that. Although nothing will come of it, as that would probably go against her program and mine. I just was glad I didn't stay home, and would like to continue trying to hang out with people after work, rather than my lonesome.

It is very hard for me to get out after hours, as I love my home and my loner-self. I need to take my sponsor's advice, and try to enjoy the people in this program. I can not do that if I am always at home, work, or in-between.

Laters!!

Today I am grateful:

For thanksgiving coming up so quick!
I will see my dad in 1 day!
California dreaming!
Our trip tomorrow!
AA in California!
My friends in AA
My friends in AA
My job
My cats
My mom
My sister
My brother
My dad
My family
Today

Day number 79!

My lord, 79 days sober!

Wow. That's all I have to say about that.

I know things in sobreity tend to go up and down like a roller coaster, and lately that has been the case. I am happy, I am sad, I am crazy, I am serene, I am basically insane, yet generally pretty darn good. This weekend during a meeting I began to fantasize about drinking, and thought about how good it would feel to have that warm fuzzy feeling again. Then I realized what I was thinking and immediately refocused onto the meeting.

I don't like it when I think thoughts like that. It seems like my subconscious is trying to plant seeds in my head, and when those seeds are planted my conscious mind takes over and grows them into gigantic trees that will eventually tip the balance.

It is good to know that I am not alone, and that these thoughts are normal for people like us. This to shall pass, and naturally it did. But I won't stop there, I need to pray about this.

Sooo, new prayer for today!

"God, thank you for keeping me sober today. Please grant me the willingness to be willing to not pickup a drink today. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove the obsession to drink. God, please remove...."

You get the picture. Clearly this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful. We do not have to pickup a drink today, or ever for that matter. One day at a time. I am not alone, you are not alone. Together we will overcome!

Day number 76

Your totally right Daave. I even heard that shared at a meeting this week, and "chose" not to hear it. My negative attitude towards work needs to be adjusted... and probably is negative to begin with because I am being selfish in some way.

In order to feel good and not be such a selfish, daft, fool I should speak positively about my work. It's hard, but I think since we identify that issue, me always trashing my job, now I can take some action to think a bit more positively.

Did I mention project management ain't so bad? Some good things about my job:

I get paid alot.
I make important decisions
I accomplish things
People want to be included in our "deals"
I have the ear of our President
My boss loves me
I have great coworkers
My job mainly consists of taking notes, calling people, going to meetings, and shooting emails... Very easy.

Day numero 75!

Just a quick update this morning.

Today I have 75 days!! So thats almost 11 weeks! Very cool, sometimes even scary. I don't want to drink, and know I don't ever have to, but every now and then I get a thought or an image, the obsession lurks behind every corner!

I imagine only an alcoholic could possibly know what I am talking about.

Any how, today is a good day. I feel a little peeved because I need to read a chapter in the Big Book, and do some questions for my big book study tonight... but I don't have any damn time to do it! Well, I could probably steal away for an hour at work today to do it or just do it before Tang So Do tonight, regardless, I meant to get it all done last night, but ended up staying in and messing around on the computer, watching tv, and reading...

I know, I know, I am suffering now because I was lazy and didn't do it yesterday. Funny thing though, I don't think suffering is the right word. I think I am just over-analysing the situation as usual. It takes less than an hour to get caught up in the big book study. No sense in being to hard on myself! I actually enjoy doing the work too, so it's not like it's a chore. I do it because I want to do it. And every time, every week, I grow a little more. Just wish I did it last night is all.

Busy today at work. Very busy. Project Management sucks a big one, but I think that is good, because when I am idle, my mind becomes a big cluster f-ck, and my thinking tends to go to the insanity.

Today I am grateful:

For my car
My house
My two pertty little kitt cats
My job
My job
My job
AA
My friends in AA
My friends outside of AA
My mom
My family
Everything!!!

Day 74

It still amazes me how I don't feel much like working... ever. I don't like doing things, unless someone has a gun pointed at my head and is ready to pull the trigger. Case in point: I was sittting around, thinking of everything I needed to do, and not doing anything. Then, I talked to this girl in my office about what she needed from me. She said "I need these documents and I need them by Friday" I went back to my desk and made the phone calls I was procrastinating about.

Why do I not feel like working? Why do I act the sloth? Am I not grateful or something?

Well, as you well know, this is an issue that continues to crop up. I feel like I am making progress though, reading through some of my old posts... man like 6 months ago, I don't know what the heck I was thinking!! Work wise and life wise. Like, I know today I am great. Work is great, I am getting things done, even if I don't really feel like it, and with a tiny bit of sloth. (Thanks for the new word Dave!) One thing I do realize, I hate it when people ask me to do stuff for them. Is that weird or what? Maybe I am meant to be my own boss, my own business someday???? I don't know. Any how, I am great today and look forward to a great evening filled with AA fun!

Peace!

Day 73!

Day number 73 I think!

Um, so does anyone else think they have ADD? I was sitting around last night, after my meeting, at home watching TV and think I may have realized something huge. Well, not so huge as it is an annoyance, but I think I have ADD. I am not trying to self diagnose my self, and am not looking for medicine or anything, just an "underlying suspicion".

It's like, whenever I am doing something, I think about doing something else. Whatever project I decide to work on, or whatever thing I read or study, I think about what else I want to study or read. At night, this particularly bugs me. It's like there are all these things I want to do, and want to do it now. I have 3 or 4 books I am kinda sorta reading, 3 magazines I pick up every once in a while, 2 news papers I try to read at lunch, computer games I'd like to play, Playstation games I'd like to play, and TV I'd like to watch. And naturally, AA meetings and friends I want to hang out with.

Last night I was watching TV, but couldn't decide on wether I should read, play PS2, go to bed, begin to write a novel (ok, this is new for me, but have been thinking about it) or watch the boob tube. It bugged me until I finally went sleepy.

During the day sometimes, I think about what I'd like to do with my life in general. I get all sorts of crazy ideas like; move to Baltimore, move to Indiana, move to Alaska, move somewhere, work as a teacher, work as a garbage man, work in a park, go back to school for finance, go back to school for computers, go back to school for history... all sorts of weird fantasies... This is pretty much my internal going ons... and it feels like maybe I need to let most of it go, and focus on AA. Are these thoughts normal? Did drinking supress all these ideas? What do I do about them? How do I focus on one thing, one goal? Well, these are just rantings and ravings. I am pretty sure the answer is to focus on staying sober one day at a time, and getting involved in AA.

Any thoughts on the ADD, can't seem to stick to one past time thing... would be much appreciated.

Laters!!

Day 72... Monday!!

My god it's Monday morning, I have been in the office a whole 45 minutes, and I totally do not want to be here. I am tired, cranky, and did I say tired? Just kinda Mondayish if you know what I mean. There is a whole bunch of stuff that needs to get done, and once I start working on it, I am sure things will get better... like when 5:00 pm rolls around... :)

This weekend was a good weekend. Not too much to report. I found someone to help make coffee when I am gone next week. Yesterday I kinda sorta stayed in my house from 5:00 - 10:00, and I think that may have been a mistake which I am paying for right now. Kinda still in my head and none to positive. Does that make sense?

Well, no sense in living in the past! Gotta stay here and look at my own two feet and realize that all life is is the here and now! Tonight, I will go to my home group and check in, all is well, my HP is taking care of me!

Today I am grateful for:

The sun
The wind
The rain
The snow
My sobriety
I am sober
My sobriety
My job
My job
My responsibilities
My job one more time
My big book study group
My commitments
My family
My cats
My house
My car
My body
My mind
My sobriety!!!
I am still sober!!!

Just give it away...

There's nothing in this house worth keeping, and we're both tired anyway, just give it away...

Yea, so you country music fans will recgonize those lyrics. Any how, I totally only had to say like 5 sentences in that meeting I was scared of, and now I am not so scared. Next week I think I will just let it go, and maybe I will have more to say with a little more confidence.

Bottom line is that it wasn't a big deal, and I sufferred all week because of it. Thank you God and all of you who help me get through this simple thing called life... sober!


I am grateful for... 5:00pm!!!
I gotta get out of here!! Thank you for the weekend!! And that coffee commitment and all that stuff.

Just letting it go... day 68

Well, the whole sister thing resolved itself. Kinda sorta just let that go, as I had no part in it.

So on to what's bugging me today! Work. As usual, freaking work. I need to turn it over to God, every time I do or get close to that peace feeling, something irks me. Right now, I am in total irrational fear about a meeting we are having tomorrow where I need to bring our Regional VP up to date on some projects that are my responsibility. Problem is, things aren't going the way I want them to, and therefor, there are delays... and I am scared shitless that the Pres. is going to look at me and see a failure, when there really is nothing I could have done in the first place. It's like there are always these deadlines that are impossible to meet, and then they blame us for not meeting them when they were too optimistic in the first place. Any how, I am sure it aint a big deal, but I need to let it go to God.

Today I am grateful for

My job
My cats
My tang so do
My sponsor
My AA friends
My AA friends
My sobriety
I am totally sober today!
This beautiful weather
My sobriety
That I live in such a great Country
AA
AA
AA
AA
Seriously, AA

Day number 67!

Here is a conversation between my brother and I about my sister. In advance, I am totally not trying to control the situation and am leaving it to God. Being family however, we do talk, and we do try to atleast make a suggestion or two and then let it be. The bold is my mom's instant message to my brother... he is typing it in to me. You can see the denial in her statements... agh!


My Brother [9:03 A.M.]: flying out to baltimore on the 25th and coming back on the 31 with jenny
My Brother [9:05 A.M.]: what r ur plans when u get there? are u staying with norma and heidel Me [9:10 A.M.]: Dec 22 - 29, i don't know, prob Normas as usual... may switch it up, but prob normas
My Brother [9:11 A.M.]: Norma felt one more time than that is it also kt knows she is a failure
"mom"
My Brother [9:12 A.M.]: she feels she is worth less......I hope by doing this she gets the self esteems she needs to succeed....otherwise she will have to come home"mom"
Me [9:12 A.M.]: kt knows she is a failure?
Me [9:12 A.M.]: i dont know man, she has a huge ego and extreme self centeredness
Me [9:13 A.M.]: i think its called denial
My Brother [9:13 A.M.]: thats what mom said she said about herself
Me [9:13 A.M.]: oh
Me [9:13 A.M.]: Kinda like Katies response to me... BS
Me [9:14 A.M.]: I talked to Norma, and she is just as miffed by this as you and i
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lets love her and pray for her to get better she cannot get worst jewish parents take care of their children and young adults if need be "mom"
My Brother [9:14 A.M.]: lol
Me [9:14 A.M.]: haha, that is her friend in miami, whos daughter is 40 and he still takes care of her
Me [9:14 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:14 A.M.]: She is looking for fucking support from people she knows will give it to her
My Brother [9:15 A.M.]: a friend of mind with adult kids told me he still pays for his daughter car at age 40 girls need more help than guys sometimes until a guy comes along to take care of her
Me [9:15 A.M.]: hahaha
Me [9:15 A.M.]: seee
Me [9:15 A.M.]: did you tell her to grow some fucking balls?
Me [9:16 A.M.]: no use trying, mom is just as in denial as katie is
My Brother [9:16 A.M.]: mom do u want to be that person thats fine and dandy but in my mind the way I was raised thats not right
Me [9:18 A.M.]: you know you can just copy and paste the entire convo
Me [9:18 A.M.]: instead of typing
My Brother [9:18 A.M.]: im calling moms help for kt a Charity
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:19 A.M.]: kt wants to start a charity for herself and shes doing well so far
Me [9:19 A.M.]: Oh thats right, isn't that what she is going to do in CA?
Me [9:19 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:20 A.M.]: So she is the charity, I get it. Take care of Katie Charity!
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: haha
My Brother [9:20 A.M.]: She will drive out there with Chris and I will take care of her until Jan 31, 2007. The gal she will be living with sells real estate for a living. she told me a job will be available in her office shortly. she will try to get kt the job - lets hope kt takes the job
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: maybe kt likes girls
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: mom just sent that
Me [9:21 A.M.]: hahaha
My Brother [9:21 A.M.]: i wouldnt be surprised if kt likes girls instead of boyz
Me [9:22 A.M.]: did mom say that?
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: the way she talks about mcquinn nstuff
My Brother [9:22 A.M.]: yea
Me [9:22 A.M.]: haha
Me [9:22 A.M.]: that was a bit odd, all the "love" for mcquinn
My Brother [9:23 A.M.]: yae
Me [9:23 A.M.]: still doesnt change the fact that mom is enabling katie and katie is using mom
My Brother [9:24 A.M.]: yup
Me [9:27 A.M.]: well, appearently kt is coming tonight to pick up her stuff with chris. I told her and mom I won't be there, I have an AA meeting and gotta hang with my sponsor
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: she is
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: o
My Brother [9:27 A.M.]: does she have a uhaul or something Me [9:27 A.M.]: thats what she told me..

Day 66: My family, enabling, resentment

Today I found out that my little sister has talked my mom into, once again, paying her way to Hollywood CA. This includes paying her rent which appearently is $1,200 a month. My sister, naturally, told my mom that she was going to hitch hike to CA if she did not get what she wanted... which includes the car my mom bought her 6 months ago. She also told my mom she was going to become homeless and live off the streets if my mom did not help her. She also probably employed the guilt trip and every other ploy she has used these last 3 years to weasle money from my mom.

I can not tell you how pissed I am about this. Can you imagine, your own sister, using your mother to pay her own way? Not working, ever, never holding a job, always being supported by your mother? My brother and I both work and do not ask our parents for anything, yet my little sister, who is 23 years old, continues to not work, to do absolutely nothing, and continues to act like my mother owes her something!

To boot, my mom is very caring, and easily manipulated. So it's easy to see how this will never end. Seriously, never. I don't think my mom will ever grow some fucking balls and learn to let her go. She continues to "try" to control my sister, who then turns that against her, demanding money and rent. Of course, this time my sister is "following her destiny, and plans on making MILLIONS of dollars out in Hollywood!"

Ok, call me a pessimist, but you have not EVER held a steady job for more than a month. Yea, your going to make it BIG out there. Geeze... freaking amazing how idiotic my sister is... and mother for supporting her. My sister gives a bad name to hippies everywhere. Seriously.

Which leads me to me. How do you deal with this? A part of me wants to tell my sister how I feel... which is basically becoming the "bad brother" and telling her straight up what I said above, which of course will lead to her hating my guts for the next year. The other part wants to shut up and not say a word, act like I have no clue what's going on. One part wants to tell my mom off, and to not talk to either of them indefinetly. I feel like me not saying anything is enabling. If I just do nothing, is that not like telling both of them it is ok to act like this??? I feel like if I do give my opinion I am breaking with the suggestions of these 12 steps. What should I do? Nothing? Say something? Make a suggestion? I have already made the suggestion to my mom, what I would do in her shoes, and kinda let it go at that. As far as my sister goes, I have not said anything yet... she still includes me in her blog circle, emailing me about how great it is looking for her destiny and all this other BS I find amusing. It's like she is on drugs. I know she had a problem in the past, but I don't think she has ever been a part of our circle.

Any whooo, thanks for letting me share!

Irrational fears and anxieties...

Man, I can totally feel the fear today. I have all of these irrational fears with my job. You see, my boss asked me this morning, that I include myself in the 4:00 weekly meeting on Friday with the Regional President. Sooooo, it will be me and the Regional in her office, and my boss and another guy conferanced in on the phone. I am none to excited about this. Why? Accountability comes to mind... low self esteem, and a general fear of my capabilities... did I mention low self esteem/self confidence?

I am sure it will be fine, but Iam just scared shitless about having to talk to the Regional President about stuff. It's like I don't mind reporting to my boss, but with her, I feel unworthy, out of sorts, and almost like a fraud. Kinda like I have this job, but am not qualified...

Well, I have had these feelings in the past, and when I end up meeting with the Regional President, it ends up going great and I always end up telling you how great it went and how good I feel. So I will get on back to work and try to just let it go. Any advice people, would be much appreciated... irrational fears and anxieties...

Peace!

Day number 63

Well it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be! I needed some support from you all and others here in town, and ended up calling her and just coming out with it. She was none to happy about it... promptly hanging up on me after my suggestion to remain friends.

I feel so much better!

Well, it is Saturday, and a beautiful Saturday it is! I just wanted to say thank you, and I am off to enjoy the beauty of the weekend!

I am grateful today!

Day 62

What's bugging you today?

Me, well, I am trying to figure out how to let this girl go without hurting her feelings. Ok, well, I guess I really am just trying to get up the damn courage to call her and to tell her I am just not interested. It would be so much easier to just not call her ever again, but then I run the risk of being a total ass, and running into her I am sure. Well, that's what is on my mind today. I feel so bad!! Jesus, why do I get myself into these situations. This is actually wrecking my damn serenity right now. Don't feel like working or anything. I haven't "done" anything sexual with this girl, so it shouldn't be a big deal... but I sense that she likes me way more then me her. So this sucks.... errrr hrmph.. I need to call her and just tell her.

Dammit!

Still trying to get the strenght to do the next right thing here.

Damn...

Need to focus on mty sobriety!

Today I am thankful:

For my cats
My job
My family
My mom
My brother
My sister
My dad
Everyone
Life
This beautiful day
My sobriety
My 63 days!
Today I am sober
Still sober!
I'm sober!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of sloth and work... seven deadly sins

Maybe I should include a day counter so I don't have to keep typing it in as the subject... hmmm, maybe I will look that up.

Yesterday I shared with another alcoholic my feelings about work and such. He happened to be a psychaitrist, so that was cool. Basically it comes down to me and my ego. While at work, on shitty days, I live in self, and do not get out of it. The problem lies within, and only God can help to remove that. Daily, hourly and by the minute, at the office, I need to seperate myself from "the job", and do the job. My friend said the most important thing about work is seperating your self out of the equation and just doing the job. If you have a confrontation at the office, you remove your self from it, and react as the job requires. Usually I am cool with that, and do not react to any BS. My problem is that I am also lazy, and lazy because I am selfish. I must pray to have God help give me the willingness to do a good job, and to do my job to the best of my ability. So today, I pray, and tomorrow, and the next day.

I pray to God to give me the strength and the willingness to do my job.

Today I am GrAAteful

Day number 60!!!!!

Edit...
-----------------------------------------------------
Man, it is hillarious how fast my day changes... I feel much better than I did earlier, because I have gotten a few things done, due to some "in your face" action here in the office. It also seems I need a constant fire under my ass or I feel unworthy, depressed, and unmotivated. What can I do to fix this? Or how can God help me fix this? I hate being lazy, and need constant direction. I wonder what needs to be done to help give me what I need in this business environment.
------------------------------------------------------
Earlier in the day....

60 days! Wow! It is amazing that God has given me this! I don't know how I have managed to stay sober, but surely it is because of God, and his love for me. Surely without him, I would not be sober today.

Some days are just so hard and stressful that it amazes me that I stay sober through it. Other days are so full of joy that I utterly try to hang on to that peacefulness until I fall asleep. Today is more of an inbetweener. On my 60th day, I'd like to just talk about what the recurring issue is in my life. No it's not women, money, or prestige. It is simply: work.

Work seems to be the recurring issue and theme in all of my posts dating back to November of last year and beyond. I have been unhappy with what I do for a living since almost a year after college, or about 2 and a half years ago. I left my last job during a heavy part of my drinking, and God gave me another opportunity to work in the same industry with a much better boss. I thought "Maybe it wasn't the job, maybe it was the boss." Well, clearly the boss had something to do with it, but primarily, it seems that the problem is with me. I am still prettty damn unhappy with my job. It's not every day, but every so often that these feelings surface. Its as if I have this problem which noone in the program seems to be able to help me with... although sometimes I wonder if I am just not listening as well as I should be. Also, I think I may be just ungrateful, and not living with God as I should. Like maybe I preach the program yet don't work it, and then place the blame on my job.

Maybe once again I am blaming my job for my restlessness and need to take some action, or maybe I am right to not like my job. How is one to know if it is God's will to stay or to go? Is God's will for me to be happy? Then surely if I am financially capable, I could try out different professions? I don't know, but people say not to change anything huge in the first year. So I will not do anything rash, and I will continue to try and pray to be useful to others at work and outside of work. I just can't help but wonder what my destiny is as far as work goes.

No matter how life is going, I don't have to pickup a drink for or over anything!

Today I am grateful for:

60 Sober days!
My two cute cats!
My family
Speaking of... gotta call my grand ma!
My job
My boss
My work
My house
My car
My job
My job
My sober
I am sober
My sobriety dammit! Totally grateful for my sobriety! Thank you for my sobriety!