Howdy!

Called Greg,

I left a message and told him that I am changing sponsors and going back to my hoidy toity meetings at 7:00 with all the old successful drunks! I am excited! Still haven't talked to him, so I am nervous, because he will surely tell me how wrong I am... but if he does, then I will know it is the right thing to do. My previous sponsor was sooooo supportive when I changed to having Greg be my sponsor.

Any how... things are good today at work. My boss is firing this one guy in our office, and giving me his work load. I feel bad about it, and weird that he confides this in me. Also, my boss thinks I am older which may be why he pays me so much! Weird huh? I make more than most successful 30 somethings! Any how, it should be good for me, the whole industry is changing and he has to lay someone off. I guess this is God's plan. I will pray for the fellow who is getting laid off.

Today I am Grateful for:

God
My friends
AA
My family
My two cute kitty cats
My job
My extended family
My HEALTH
My kick ass sexy body! JK!
My computer!!! Ha!



Peace..

Day number 6!

Ok! So I have made it to day numero seis! I must tell you though, last night, I was very close to picking up a drink. I actually think that I was riding my bicycle, about 13 miles or so, and was thinking about how I was going to go buy a pint of Vodka after dinner. Then I went home, and called my mom, and asked her where her and my sister were dining that evening. We agreed to meet at a Sushi Restauraunt around 7:00pm. What I had decided in my head was that I was going to skip the AA meeting, and drink. Well, at dinner, something weird happened. I knew I wasn't in the right staight of mind. I started to think, and realized I was just a little pooped with AA since I had 3 straight evenings with like 4 hours a night of AA. That was just way too much!! So, I decided right then that rather than drink, I could just skip the meeting and go home and read! Wow, what an idea! Still though, it was very hard. I really think I just don't enjoy the YPG folks... need to do something about this, maybe a new sponsor? Fred seems to know his shit... I feel like I get along and connect better to older men and women, who are successful in their lives... Not young teen age kids who act like teenagers, shit, even I acted more mature than my age when I was their age! Ha! What do you think man? If I don't feel comfortable with these folks what should I do? I miss going to my older 7:00 meetings, every night... I hate these late night, young meetings... I feel out of place. I really think I may call Greg and tell him thanks but no thanks... he makes me feel guilty when I tell him I am going to a different meeting, as if the YPG folks are the only way to stay sober... I feel like my resentment towards the group causes me to relapse... but what do I know?? And, if I keep relapsing, why not try something new?

Day Number 2!

I feel that it is the utmost importance for me to report to you, me, and myself, that I have managed to stay sober one more day! Well, that would make today, day number 2, and my sobriety date, July 26, 2006. My plan (lol, shouldn't start a sentence with "my plan") is to not do it my way. I will do what ever my sponsor tells me to do. I will go to the meetings I need to, I will not isolate, and I will socialize with AA members, and help out. Tonight is the Thursday meeting, no brainer there... tomorrow is Friday, I need to plan accordingly and find out where everyone is going, Saturday is some sort of event that I am helping with, and Sunday is the House meeting. So it looks like I will pick up another easy 4 days here... just gotta keep praying and staying in the "now".
Its hard at work, cause it's so easy to get in my shit. But I will try doing something novel today, like actually working.
Will let you know how it goes.
Peace

I am back

Is today the day I completely surrender to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous? I do not know... there is a part of me that wants to go home right this instant, dump out the remaining Vodka from last night, throw away the pizza (long story) and go to a meeting. Problem is, life don't work that way. You see, I have to work till about 5:00 today... so it's like, I don't feel like working, or doing anything right now, because I feel bad about the fact I drank last night. I am not even hung over. But the guilt persists... I know in my soul that I am a drunk. And I keep drinking!!! What the heck! I don't know what to do about it! Yet I do know what to do! I have the tools sitting right in front of me, yet I don't use them.
This is so frustrating. I do not want to look at my mom because I feel like she can see right through me... although the chances are she does not know I have been drinking. I need to stop this nonsense... I need to stay sober for my mom, for my sister, for my brother, but most importantly, for me damn it!! I should go home and throw that shit away the second I get a chance today... lunch time. Maybe I should get a freaking tatoo or something to remind me daily who I am. I need to immerse my self into this program asap.
God help me stop drinking... just for one day.

CAbo San Lucas

Well, I went on vacation to Cabo San Lucas, and remained sober the entire time. Then, when I got home, I fealt completly loss and almost as if my soul had been sucked out of my very skin. Well, actually, it was more of a process then just "bamm!" It was more like, over time, in Cabo, with my mother... I slowly lost it. By the time I got home, I was so messed up in the head I had no hope left. Sunday, I could have gone to a meeting. But, it was raining, and I was pissed off at the world... or not really. I am trying to remember my feelings... but I can't. I just remember feeling like i didn't want to work, that maybe there was something better some where, all the typical stuff that comes out after being away from AA for a week. So, I drank. Then I woke up, went to work, relaxed Monday night, and Tuesday. I was way in my head yesterday and Monday too. As I am almost right now, but less so.
Tuesday I started feeling sick... sore throat, sore neck. I got some nyquil and some emergen-C... and hopefully I will be feeling better. But as far as the hopelessness goes, and depression. I think that has been lifted from me this morning. I no longer am thinking about quitting my job... it's as if that prayer book answered my prayers this morning... something about being average and being happy about it... since we are all average and the program is about spiritual progress rather than perfection..
This made me feel good because I know I have made a whole lot of spiritual progress... even if I continue to have lapses.
Peace