Baby almost here!

 So a month has gone by, feeling better, about a week or two ago, I restarted my lexapro.  The truth of the matter, I am an anxious person and worry a lot, modern life and me just don't get along, so for the near future I will be on my SSRI.  I have already started feeling better.  Maybe it is placebo, but basically my brain worries less when on the meds, and worry was/is killing me.  I want to be happy for my kids and family's and my sake.

Construction on the back deck starts this week, so that is exciting, FINALLY!  Relief from the damn rain and the leak.

Also, need to finish taxes.

Mom is coming today, omg not looking forward to that, she comes and makes it all about herself.  Selfish.  

My sister is milking my mom to the tune of 5k per month, I try not to think about that, no comfort to be had there.

Lucy is giving birth next week - wow things are going to change around our house!  I think she will enjoy the 6 weeks off though... and a baby is cute to snuggle.

Work is interesting, interesting I've done this now for almost 7 years... is this what my life is?  Yes it is, I talk to people each day, read books, play video games, go home work out, hang with kids, go to sleep rinse repeat.  Life is interesting, monotonous, but my life is better than my parents and grandparents could ever be.

I dream of retirement. But now feeling better about it and no longer depressed, progress not perfection.

 Had a pretty good weekend considering.

I keep wondering about happiness and everything going on in my life, what makes me feel negative or have bad feelings.  It is weird ya know, I think a lot of parental guilt... just thinking of the kids and beating myself up thinking I am not doing this parenting thing perfectly... when rationally that is insane, I really do tons for the kids and with the kids, my wife even tells me so, so I know compared to other parents I am pretty dang involved.... but its weird.  If I see a picture of them, I miss them, I miss their younger selves... those memories...

Reading an interesting book, something about how to have courage to let people dislike you or something, very eastern philosphy sort of Adlerian. 

Any who, it's a slog.  I prefer the Art of Happiness to be honest, easier to digest.  But I will keep trying.

I'm in a weird spot, feel weird.  Not sure if its because I quit my lexapro... I think it is, but fuck that I'm not going back.  Let's see if this weirdness improves.  

Been sober for 18 years, so that is great.

Kids are doing amazeballs.

Wife is doing great.

3rd baby is coming in a month.

Work is pretty good.

Worse case scenarios are all manageable... Donald Trump is president (that sucks) like seriously wtf is this shit show of the Country thinking to elect that man again?  Who knows... I worry about the world, he could really ruin things for everyone on the planet!!

Ah, anyhow, back to reading the Art of Happiness!

So was thinking I should get back into journaling online, I like it because you can get more of your thoughts out on the PC instead of writing by hand, which I also do, but those journal entries are really short and not too insightful into my thinking at the time.

Lately I have been struggling with a depressed mood, which is really interesting as I have never identified that emotion as being a problem for me.

Sure, anxiety, panic, social anxiety, ocpd, those things I always knew about myself, but starting this last year, depression?!!    I kept telling my wife "I think I'm depressed", and of course she would say "you don't get depressed" or in her own way let me know it is odd for me to feel that way, which I agree, it is weird. 

I can't really pin why I feel this way.  We moved to a new neighborhood, we had problems with the neighbors where you get that nightmare neighbor who reports you to the HOA etc, I think we have the squashed, but they are still are neighbors and really the wife is a terrible person.  But hey, trying to come at it from Compassion as The Dalai Lama says in "The Art of Happiness" by Howard C. Cutler, MD.

What else, well, we are pregnant, I am calling that my mid life crisis baby.  We decided to do it last august, and she is due soon-ish.  

The kids are doing really good, but parental guilt is a thing and my wife tells me or reminds me that I really am a good father compared to most people my age.  

In the midst of this depressed mood, one other thing I did was I stopped my Lexapro, which I took for anxiety, so perhaps this depression is actually an SSRI discontinuation depression?  I was on it for over a decade!  I think I would like to stay off of it... I hope this is not due to the SSRI, but if it is, screw that!  

I have decided recently to stop with my running habit and work out in the gym, a bit more low key and more open schedule so I can help the kids out, play with them, go bike riding etc.

What else... I have a headache today, am at work, work has been ok, no complaints there really.  I do think now more about a future retirement. 

In an effort to combat this depressed mood, I am committing to reading tons of books on happiness, starting with the one mentioned above.  Gonna fill up a book case shelf of self help books this month and knock this mood thing out of the water.  To hell with depression.

COVID-19. 

I hear I'm supposed to write about my experience.  What to say honestly.  Videos and pictures should cover most of our experience.  We have plenty of that to go around, mostly of the kiddos.

The kids seem to be taking it well.

I have not yet lost my job.

Income is decreased now by about a quarter. 

Also, I got a new job working in the Crisis Stabilization Unit in a local hospital ER.

The kids are ok.  Both are out of school/daycare.

I fear for their social development.  I worry that somehow this is all going to go sideways and the kids will be social awkward or some such thing.

Work is ok.  Clinic life is killing me a little with all this Zoom bull shit. 

Not too happy about Zoom, I miss seeing people in person. 

Having to stand 6 feet from people and wear a mask is difficult.  People scowl at you if you get too close.  It's kind of funny.

South Beach

Well,

I have been accepted to the --- School of Medicine!  So since my last post, I have moved to the beach! My cats are adjusting, I think well enough. I'm a little worried about Kieksters, cause she was always looking out the window at the squirrels in Tampa. Now there are no squirrels for her to look at.

Otherwise, I suppose it will all go well.  Thinking of living in South Beach... Although I'd prefer going to Kings Beach in Tahoe!

J

You know, living out here in the midwest, I sometimes wonder what it might be like to travel to Lake Tahoe!

It has been on my bucket list a while now, and me thinks we may go out there for a ski trip, or even for summer vacation. 

I've been looking into airbnb as an option...

J

Finally, nice weather

It's Funny how nice weather can really turn Your attitude around. I Was in a bad mood last week, and now I'm super happy. Granted, it could just be that I am no longer working nights.  Regardless, i am looking Forward to doing some Serious yard work in the cooler weather.

On the other hand I am super excited to return to the land of the living and never in my life will I work nights again... good riddens!

Peace...