Howdy

What is interesting, is that in the last week or two, since not drinking, I have prayed much less. I usually would go out to the car and pray. Maybe sit for a few minutes and relax. I feel like I have not done that. Why? It could be because of the move from the Condo to the Town House... very stressful. Weird. I don't know what to freakin expect with life at this point! I have more then two weeks today, yet feel like something is off. I am committed to stay sober... so that is all that matters. I am going to Indiana on Friday, and will not drink. I feel like I should go out with my friends, so I may see other people who are still there, but be the DD, and plan accordingly.
My brother bought me a cool shirt... it says "back in the day..." with a picture of pacman chasing those little dots and the ghost. Cool, I am going to wear that to the meeting on Thursday. Tonight, I should probably go to the dinner at 6:30pm, with the guys. I wonder how I will be able to fit that in if I am going to ride my bike for an hour.... also, I need to go to the bike store and get some sort of adapter for the pump.... maybe today i can take a few minutes and do that. How can people stay sober, work full time, work out, and go to meetings? I don't get it.... hopefully I can fit it all in today.
Peace

BLAH

Well,
Today is Monday, and officially about 16 days of sobriety! Wow, I done did it again! I feel ok today, pretty busy with work, I really need to get out there on my bicycle today and do some riding. This entire weekend I felt extremely BLAH. And that sorta has carried into today. As far as AA goes, I really don't feel like I belong when I am hanging out with everyone. It seems like we have different interests... even though being an alcoholic, we all share something in common. Alot of the YPG folks are into hanging out, smoking cigerattes, and socializing. I am not. So, I think I am going to go to the Monday Night Bayshore meeting this evening... that was the first meeting I ever went to. I feel like I belong there... not sure why. Just less pressure to "hang out". I leave in 4 days to go to Indiana for the weekend, Carmel, to be exact. I am looking forward to it, although I am a little nervous, because I will be hanging out with people I have not seen in 4 years, and we use to drink all the time when I did. My plan is to be the designated driver... hopefully, that will work for me. If not, I am back to square one! Although I don't think I will end up drinking. By that time I will have three weeks, way too close to a month to have a slip up! Any how, peace out!

Good freakin week... now some ranting for you!

Well, today is Friday! I read what I wrote on Tuesday and it's like.... wow, interesting! Funny thing, we had a pretty good week at work. Lots of good stuff keeping me busy. I remember actually having a pretty good day on Tuesday, now that I look back. Recently, my mom has decided to move in with me, for a while. She was going to buy a condo in Trump Tower Tampa, but decided against it do to possible price increases. If she did buy there, she would probably rent from me for three years! Wow, talk about a financial wind-fall! Plus she likes to clean and all that jazz. Plus, plus the fact that if she is living with me, I won't be able to drink, even if I wanted to. So that would be really good for my sobriety. Any how, today the new couch, tv set, and bedroom set are arriving, plus my mom's new Lexus. So that should be cool. I think she may need help returning the mercedes back to Indian Rocks Beach, but whatever. If we do go over there, I may sneek an hour or two on the beach! Haha! Good idea me! Maybe we can go straight over 'round lunch time tomorrow after my karate class! I am strangely happy today. Jake called, and is going to pick up my check from my first closing. So I betcha I get another grande or so, plus the 10 grande I will get from the balance of the closing. What to do with the money.... no idea. I keep toying with the idea of getting rid of the motorcycle and getting my money back from that... but I don't know. Honestly I just don't know. I love riding it, but it seems like I don't ride it enough, ya know? Maybe I should just hold onto the darn thing.... hmmmm. Maybe I think too much!
Well. I have not been playing eve-online at all this week, because my internet won't be hooked up until Saturday, so I am a bit peeved about that. I love that game, but really I just like the control of it, and making my character super-uber. I bet I could clear $700 - $1,000 when I start selling off him and his assets. But why do that when I can just keep playing and making even more money? Hmmmm.... why get into a long shpeal about this here? Anyone out there reading would be like "what is this guy talking about?" Well, this is more for me anyhow.... here goes.
K, so I have what? About a half a billion isk in ships? Including a Rook, Raven, 2 Thorax, Ferox, Brutix, 3 Badger II, whats the smaller version of the thorax?? Well, maybe not nearly a half billion in ships... probably more like 300 - 400 million isk. But then add on the 1 billion isk I have, plus all of my assets that I need to sell... maybe he is worth close to 2 billion isk. Now, I think I may need to re-evaluate my tech 2 drone sales do to some increase competition... maybe I need to diversify eh? I could specialize in buying tech 2 stuff all over, and sell it at a premium in systems and regions where non exist in high traffic systems. This may take some thinking... but if I do this for like an hour or two a night, that may turn a nice profit once it is setup and running... probably I should spend about 200 million, and see about selling it all for 400 million plus??? Interesting... I will see what I can see tonight or tomorrow.
I am taking this laptop with me tonight and will check the availability of wireless connections in my home! Plus I could take it with me at lunch and go to panerra.... but that may be pushing it... what about going at around 3:00 to panerra... that is more reasonable! Can't wait to have mom all moved in and some rent money coming in! Plus that freakin check I am getting today!
Peace

Let's Motivate

Let's Motivate! It's hilarious that in what ever I do, I find it very hard to get motivated. It's like, once I do it and figure it out, my internal clock just shuts down... this may be a huge issue in my life, that I need to figure out. I really need to think more positively about every thing. As I type this, I am actually forcing my self to smile :). We choose our reactions to every situation. So why am I such a negative ass? Through prayer and positive thinking, I should be able to really start enjoying the day! Or so you'd think that would happen. So, since we are keeping track of my sobriety here, I may as well let you know, I have 10 days today! I picked a really bad time to get sober too, just moved and have not had the chance to relax or do much of anything I'd like to do. Hell, I missed some meetings do to the move.... TODAY I WILL GET TO A MEETING! My sponsor and I have completed steps one through three, and now it is time to get serious and tackle step 4. That should be fun.
My cats are barely touching the food my mom bought them, so today I need to go buy some of the old stuff, and mix it in with the new, and see how that goes. I have Tang Soo Do, tangsodo, tang so do, tonight... not sure which way it spells correctly! So I really need to get everything squared away before that so I may do some more unpacking at home in the evening, with some time to spare.
I still will need a roomate eventually. Mom may move in temporarily do to her divorce, which is cool, because she is mom and moms need help to. Course she will take a lode off of some of my stress... like helping out with the unpacking and all the other fun stuff going on.
KK, gotta get back to work.... er, smiling at work!

Tired

I don't particularly like Mondays... I feel so out of it, almost like I want to just go to sleep. Couple things going through my head, my Mom invited me to stay with her if I want to, and hence not close on the Town House. I don't know what to do about that... it seems like it could be a good idea. No mortgage payment, and living on the beach again. I am struggling to find the negatives. One negative is that it would be an entire life change. Living a half hour from where I currently live would be just a huge change. Living on the beach though.... :) Going home to the beach on a daily basis.... lol, the more I say it the more it sounds like a good idea. But what about the Townhouse???? I guess I could put that off, and just wait... ya know??? But then, what about AA??? Would I start all over in St. Pete?? Or keep the same sponsor and continue to try to go to AA over here?? I really am in a pickle. We are going to be closing very soon and I need to make up my mind. Maybe I need to call my sponsor and ask him what he thinks. Maybe I just need to get rid of my eve-onine account! Duh, that may be all I need to do... get rid of that shit... exactly. Will do tonight.

K, so I totally have no actual desire to drink, but I find my self day dreaming about getting drunk during the day. People will say something, like "what kind of beer do you drink?" Or make a wise crack about downing a bottle of whiskey, and all of a sudden, I feel that warm fuzzy feeling I use to get when drinking. It's really scary. I know what I need to do to stay sober, and that is to go to a meeting and hang out with the YPG folks. My problem is that I do like getting drunk, like any alcoholic, yet my damn consequences aren't so high... what a hang over in the morning and feeling resentful towards my self for drinking?? Funny thing is that that is bad enough. I really hate slipping, and that alone may keep me sober. It;'s like, read this shit, and just don't drink. I sound like a fool talking to my self rationalizing drinking.
Any how, I am supposed to close today on my condo, and on the new town house. I am a little worried, but not really. I am just kinda like "blah" today. I don't feel like drinking, but it is sooooo scary how fast the obsession hit me last time. I sure do hope we close today. I am terrified of the huge payment, but I am confident I can find a roomy. Not much else to report. I am also scared shitliss of having to do the due diligence on this property I may have gotten under contract. My boss is outta town next week, and he is putting it all on me. Great! Not....

Shitty days

Ok, Fuck It. I am writing this thing to document what I am going through so I might as well tell you about the shitty feeling days. Last night my mom stayed over at my place so that I could take her to the airport early in the morning. For the most part, it was a good evening, except one thing. I was doing my "shitty stinking feeling" all night. I was just negative and depressed. I played a bit of zelda, with not much enthusiasm, then watched tv and what not, and even felt kinda anxious. I jumped in the pool, which was refreshing, then I started thinking about closing on the condo, and no knowing where I am going to move to and all that shit, and it is just too much right now!! Ya know? I have to freaking worry about looking at new places, karate, AA, sobriety, and all this shit!! Agh, the movers! Moving and the move date???! I really want to close this Friday, because I have the movers all set up. If that happens, then I can rent whatever place I choose to buy until the closing. This is of course, my plan, not God's plan. But is God going to make a move in/move out plan for me? Don't think so. I need some major prayerage, and an AA meeting. Today, I am going to go to subway, and try to enjoy my lunch for a change.

Howdy!

So, today is day 2 after a slight relapse. I feel very good today, and even on Sunday I felt alright.... problem is that I drank on Saturday night. I had a pint of whiskey. Funny thing, I did not really enjoy it at all. I drank from 10:00pm - 2:00am... and ordered a pizza. I mean, what a freaking waste of time! I could have gone to sleep and got up early. But didn't. I feel really bad about this, but not so much that it is crippling me. I know I shouldn't drink, I just don't understand how this happened. Today, I am going to get the second step done. I went to the house meeting on Sunday, over at Cliff's. And it was really cool. I felt loved and even shared, of course I didn't volunteeer to share, but was instead called on. I don't think I am going to tell anyone about my relapse.... I prefer to just forget about it... and after this letter, I am soooo forgetting about it. I am going to pick up just like nothing happened and sub-merge myself in AA.
I don't take paxil any more, so I wonder how that effects my anxiety and all that shit... and also my obsession. I wonder if paxil made me more suseptible to drinking.
Mom is spending the night at my place tonight, I have to take her to the airport on Tuesday around 5:00 AM... not looking forward to that. I wonder if it would be out of line for me to tell her to just sleep at the airport??? I need to call my sponsor and ask him about that.